Tiresome Tyrant's Tariff Tantrum Tickles
So the biggest, shittiest bully of the whole dang century had his favorite bullyin’ stick snatched away. As a longtime fan of humanity, any failure of any tyrant is cause for celebration. But I want to do something I’ve never done in the history of this blog. I want to thank Donald Trump.
Because that was one satisfying tantrum, old man. (Links await ye: https://showercapblog.com/tiresome-tyrants-tariff-tantrum-tickles/
The primal yap of a turd turning stale. Easily the most embarrassing human behavior yet documented, expanding our understanding of the limits of cringe in terrifying, if hilarious ways.
If you saw that press conference in the cold open of a Star Trek show, you’d think, “Mmmm, this week, they’re encountering a bizarre alien culture that lacks the concept of dignity, how interesting!”
He doesn’t understand how the Supreme Court could take away his precious tariffs after he used them to stop eleventy-two wars and save trillions of lives. I don’t know how to tell him that in the fine print, Gorsuch says he has to give back the FIFA Peace Prize, too.
Sort of fascinating to watch a narcissist flail through his catalogue of delusions, seeking a safe space from reality, though I do like this new detail where he’s perpetually besieged by “young, handsome men” who want to kiss him.
Anyway, the Justices he appointed are commie RINO traitors in the employ of foreigners or lizard people or well I guess we can’t use the global pedophile cabal anymore but the point is if anybody with a hammer or a nail gun would like to earn a spot in Valhalla or at the very least a nifty pardon certificate…
All in all, he’s never looked smaller, though I imagine this particular lardlump has a ways to melt yet.
Yeah, I’m gonna dig this And Fall stuff. Megalomaniacally mediocre Icarus’ wings of shit finally caught fire, and now he’s plummeting face-first towards the Forest of Very Tall Trees With Many Branches. I intend to enjoy every sweet, slapstick collision.
Because, like many of you, I spent the week with my nose pressed against the international news pages, watching the likes of Great Britain and South Korea hold princes and presidents to account for their crimes. “H-how much is that functioning democracy in the window?” I whimpered.
For pity’s sake, we hung a rapist’s portrait on the Department of Justice this week. That the unveiling of graven images seems to be increasing at a rate directly proportional to the Dotard’s cerebral decline is a point of particular national shame, I think.
But what if that’s been the plan all along? What if these videos of shirtless RFK Jr. and Kid Rock lubing one another up with raw camel milk are designed to eliminate opposition to the regime by snuffing out the species’ reproductive impulse altogether?
You read stuff like “Steve Bannon tried to team up with Jeffrey Epstein to take down the Pope,” and suddenly perpetuating civilization doesn’t seem like the greatest idea, y’know?
They must not cover the Streisand Effect on cognitive tests, because the Reich’s attempt to squash Stephen Colbert’s interview with Texas Senate candidate James Talarico certainly didn’t backfire in any wily, unpredictable ways.
Didja catch Lil’ Lord Hassett threatening to “discipline” Federal Reserve researchers for reporting the painfully obvious truth that American consumers have been paying these damn tariffs? Adorbs. Who’s a big, scawy authoritawian official? YOU are, Kevin!
The Board of Peace convened for the first time in their skull-shaped, submergible headquarters in Slaughter Swamp outside Gotham City to watch a game show host with advanced dementia threaten to start a war with Iran. Hard to believe the Pope turned down his invite to such an awesome party.
Oh right, we might be going to war with Iran, by the way. If Lindsey Graham eats all his peas. I know previous American military excursions to the Middle East have tended towards the debacle-y, but don’t worry, Pete Hegseth’s in charge now.
Junior n’ Eric have had it up to their soft, devolved chins with your condemnation of the family grift. After failing at every endeavor up to and including the freakin’ casino business, they finally stumbled into a Trump-proof business model: 1) Seize control of the United States government, 2) Distribute bribe jars every six feet.
Florida Congresscreep Randy Fine announced on social media, for no particularly pressing reason, that he prefers dogs to Muslims, and let me say that I totally get why, after two years of petty, racist shitposting while abdicating responsibility to the mad king, the GOP would prefer masked paramilitary occupation to defending their record in a free and fair election.
We keep finding our way back to the core problems of kakistocracy, don’t we?
Like, of course the GDP numbers were bad. Why would they be anything but bad? Societies have traditionally opted to empower competent people; we’re trying something a little different these days.
You watch a mom double down on anti-vax kookery while her kid’s in the hospital with brain swelling from the measles he caught, and it’s flabbergasting, right? Folks’re petulantly bludgeoning their way past fundamental evolutionary instincts with their fucking foreheads.
Why? Fuck if I know. Maybe if I were a goat psychiatrist, I’d understand.
I’m not, though I could always go back to school. Assuming we still have colleges in six months.
Okay, I know I missed stuff this week; had some computer trouble. Don’t sleep on this And Fall shit, though. I think it’s important to savor these moments. When a narcissist tries to destroy your country, it’s your patriotic duty to toast each humiliating setback.
With beer, ideally. As I have a prodigious amount of toasting ahead of me this weekend, I wouldn’t decline any contributions to the ol’ beer fund (now accepting PayPal, Cash App, and Venmo!), or any new followers @john_luzar for that matter. Stay safe out there, chums…
Oh, PS, I was kinda disappointed I wouldn’t get to deliver the expected third Pope reference, but something popped up at the last minute.
= new reply since forum marked as read
