Spurious News: Philly jewelers confused as Trump pardons "most hated jeweler in America"
PHILADELPHIA, PA (Spurious News Network) -- As the story goes, some guy bought his girlfriend an engagement ring from Philadelphia jeweler Steven Singer. Months later, caught up in the stress of the couple's first baby he screamed out, "I hate Steven Singer!"
Steven Singer has used the phrase in his advertising ever since. It's the name of his website, and he put it on all the windows of his Philadelphia jewelry store.
Today, King Donald Trump, in an attempt to make people in Philadelphia like him, granted a "full and unconditional pardon for any legal or illegal acts performed, whether prosecuted or not," to Mr. Singer.
"I have no idea why President Trump would do that," said Gabrielle Grazi, president of the Women's Jewelry Association, a trade group for jewelers. "None of us like the guy because he makes things hard on the rest of us - he's really good at making and selling jewelry and customer care and people expect the same from every jeweler - but he runs as clean of a business and has as clean of a personal life as you're going to find. He even plugs parking meters and leaves big tips at restaurants! The last thing he needs is a pardon."
Steven Singer is also confused by this pardon. "When the White House Office of Pardons called me to congratulate me on my pardon, the first thing I asked is if they called the wrong Steven Singer. Nope, it was me. I'm thinking of all the things I might have done in my life and came up empty. Never declared bankruptcy falsely. Never stuck up a jewelry store...which would be strange if I had because I own one of those. Always paid all my taxes. I even clean up after my dog. I have no idea why the president wants to give me a pardon, but I got one. It's got his signature on it, so maybe I'll sell it for twenty bucks to a Trump supporter."
The White House Office of Communications reports that "since everyone hates Steven Singer, it's obvious there's a reason for it, and that reason is his harsh and unrelenting criminal record. If he won't save himself from his crimes, President Trump will do it for him." Mr. Singer's attorney replied to the White House, "if you fuckin' assholes say my client is a crook one more time I'm going to sue the pants back onto that orange prick, and we'll fuckin' win because we can prove my client is an honest man."
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