The Borowitz Report-Hegseth Bans Microphones at Pentagon After Press Briefings Make Him Sound Like Idiot

[LetMyPeopleVote]

Hegseth Bans Microphones at Pentagon After Press Briefings Make Him Sound Like Idiot
open.substack.com/pub/borowitz...

— eugene (@eugene290390.bsky.social) 2026-03-20T08:26:42.266Z

https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/hegseth-bans-microphones-at-pentagon

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth imposed a total ban on microphones at the Pentagon on Friday, complaining that press briefings were making him sound “like a giant idiot.”

“I’ve been watching so-called news coverage of me and every word out of my mouth sounds stupider than the last,” he said. “I blame microphones.”

After expelling all sound-capturing equipment from the Pentagon media room, Hegseth proceeded to conduct an hourlong briefing entirely in mime.

According to a new poll, Americans strongly support Hegseth’s new policy since it saves them the trouble of muting him.

[efhmc]

1. Here's an idea. Have a vocal interpreter on hand to "translate his meanness" and the truth will get out.

[marble falls]

2. Like this? ...

?si=0TAw1gxC7iNPSLk_

[efhmc]

6. That is so clever. Can we clone him?

[Kid Berwyn]

3. No Japanese camera ban?

Guy’s wife has a great sense of humor, going by how she dresses him.

[Yo_Mama_Been_Loggin]

4. It's not the microphones Pete

[dalton99a]

5. NEXT: Hegseth to prevent cameras from capturing his soul