Spurious News: Tesla to use privately-owned cars as robotaxis, whether their owners agree or not!
AUSTIN, TEXAS (Spurious News Network) -- "Tesla will have the largest fleet of taxis on Planet Earth," said Tesla CEO Elon Musk. "All Tesla owners who have purchased the Full Self Driving option for their cars will participate, and all of them are excited to make this dream a reality."
At a press conference today in Texas' capital city, Mr. Musk introduced TeslaCab, which he proclaimed as the greatest thing since sliced bread.
"Every self-driving Tesla, whether it be a sedan, an SUV or a Cybertruck, will receive an over-the-air upgrade to enable it to report its motion status to TeslaCab headquarters," explained Mr. Musk. "When someone uses the TeslaCab app, available for iPhone and Android, to request a TeslaCab, the system uses xAI artificial intelligence to find the closest Tesla to the requester. It will then start the car, direct it to the requester's location and fulfill the ride request. No one needs Uber or Lyft, much less legacy cabs, when TeslaCab is available."
Tesla owners disagree.
"I drove my Model S to Whole Foods to do my daily grocery shopping," said Mary Smith of Cincinnati, Ohio, who has owned six Teslas. "As soon as I parked the car and got out of it, it immediately turned on and pulled out of the parking lot. It returned half an hour later smelling like cigarettes and spilled beer. I don't smoke and only drink Cognac, so the condition of my car when I got it back was alarming."
"I parked my Cybertruck in my garage and closed the door," said Joshua Harrison of Dallas, Texas, who has owned five Teslas. "Two hours later I heard an enormous crash. I went outside to investigate and my Cybertruck had driven through my $4000 garage door. It returned two hours later. I know I didn't sign up for this when I spent $106,490 on a new car. I called Tesla and they said they wouldn't fix the door because it was my own damn fault I didn't leave the car where it could be TeslaCabbed safely."
Some owners are especially alarmed by what TeslaCab customers are doing in their cars.
"After a TeslaCab takeover of my car yesterday," said Ellen Gray of Denver, Colo., who has owned eleven Teslas, "it came back smelling like someone had smoked a pound of marijuana in it. I got pulled over for making an illegal left turn. When I rolled down the window to provide my documents to the officer, he got this real weird look on his face. Then he asked me one question, which was 'Ma'am, does your car have Full Self Driving?' When I said yes, he told me I'd suffered enough and let me go without even a warning. Before I drove off he gave me a list of five companies that can get the smell of weed smoke out of your car."
"The police called me yesterday," said Frank Catton of Las Vegas, Nevada, who is on his first Tesla. "They said they'd seized my car because they found twelve illegal machine guns in the trunk. I told the officer they weren't mine and he said, 'we know, because a lot of people are calling TeslaCab to get cars to commit crimes in.' The cops were super nice about it...they gave me a ride to the impound lot in an unmarked car, and when I got there not only did they give me my car back without asking for any money, they'd even charged it and washed it."
Some Tesla owners are going to extreme measures to ensure their own cars don't become taxis against their wishes. "I traded my car in on a Volkswagen ID4 yesterday," said Susan Holcomb of Portland, Maine, who had owned three Teslas. "I love electric cars. I loved my Tesla. But I want a car that's completely mine, and Teslas aren't that anymore."