Markets Surge After Trump Claims He Had Sex With An Angel

[Zorro]

NEW YORK—In what came as a welcome shock to investors amid recent dips in the global economy, markets reportedly surged Tuesday after President Donald Trump wrote in a Truth Social Post that he’d had sex with an angel.

“I AM PLEASED TO REPORT THAT OVER THE LAST TWO DAYS AN ANGEL HAS VISITED ME IN MY SLEEP AND I HAVE HAD VERY GOOD AND PRODUCTIVE SEX WITH IT,” read the lengthy, all-caps post, which with its claims that a heavenly being had done “INCREDIBLE THINGS TO [the president’s] PENIS” immediately sent the S&P 500 soaring 2.1%.

“DUE TO TO THE TENOR AND DEPTH OF THIS FEMALE ANGEL’S LOVE MAKING, I ORGASMED MULTIPLE TIMES BEFORE WAKING UP NUDE IN HEAVEN. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER! I DID NOT WEAR A CONDOM!”

At press time, global markets had reportedly crashed to their lowest point this year after Trump posted a follow-up message stating that the angel he had sex with may have in fact been an alien.

https://theonion.com/markets-surge-after-trump-claims-he-had-sex-with-an-angel/

[dalton99a]

1. Should have stayed in heaven, dumbass

[Wounded Bear]

2. I don't even believe in heaven and I know that trump ain't going there...

[malaise]

13. Meh!

not even an imaginary angel could raise that flaccid tiny pecker from the dead😀😀😂

[dem4decades]

3. Angel Sweetcakes, the porn star?

[Norrrm]

4. Almost surprised that it was from the Onion and not real.

[niyad]

8. Same here.

[Midnight Writer]

5. I figured a succubus would have better taste.

[gordianot]

6. You have to get really wild if you write satire involving Donald Trump.

Reality is so bizarre few on the planet can come up with a fiction that surpasses the reality of this deranged monster.

[niyad]

7. I had to check the link!

[Amaryllis]

19. I always have to check the link on satire to see if it really is satire.Used to be you could pretty much tell without

checking to see if it was Borowitz or the Onion if it was satire.But no longer.

[maspaha]

9. OMG! thought

Because of the ridiculous delusions that spew from his foul mouth, for a hot minute, I actually thought he said it.

Obviously, I need a break!

[Grim Chieftain]

11. Same here

[BaronChocula]

10. Better mark that as sarcasm

But not really.

[chouchou]

12. Angels name was Bruce.

[Farmer-Rick]

14. Then he f*cked Satan

That's why the right side of his face has been drooping more than ever. Satan slapped him across the face. Pedo Trump will soon be in Hell.

What's wrong with his eyes? He looks bug eyed. Did he just snort too much Adderall? Keep snorting that shit, it will kill you pedo.

[Norrrm]

23. Who on South Park slept with Satan? Was it Saddam Hussein, leader of Iraq?

[Farmer-Rick]

24. And pedo Trump

I saw it on South Park.

[twodogsbarking]

15. A sheep named Angel. Baaaah.

[calimary]

16. Simple misspelling. He had sex with an angle.

[Joinfortmill]

17. You almost had me. He's that crazy.

[C Moon]

18. The Onion has been knocking them out of the park lately.

[Buckeyeblue]

20. Satire with Trump is different. Because it could become the truth

If Trump had written this his MAGA base would have exploded with glee.

[allegorical oracle]

21. Wasn't fooled, for once, because I was sure that no self-respecting angel would

ever touch him.

[steelyboo]

22. "When you're a dead president, you can do anything you want. Grab'em by the halo!"

My favorite part of the story is the Trump being dead part.

[eppur_se_muova]

25. Stocks rebounded when he said it was an illegal alien ... because we all know he's always wanted to f*** those.

Even got them special visas.