Spurious News: Trump taps "Boss" Hogg as new Attorney General
PALM BEACH, FLA (Spurious News Network) -- After King Donald Trump fired Attorney General Pam Bondi, a totally expected personnel move, debate immediately arose on social media as to who would replace her.
Initial indications that were Mike Nifong, the disgraced Durham County, N.C., district attorney who was disbarred for railroading three defendants in the Duke Lacrosse Trial, would be the new Attorney General of the United States. After Mr. Nifong turned out to be too honest to serve in the Trump Administration, they moved on from him.
King Donald finally settled on the one man who he believed would be perfect for the job.
"I am nominating Jefferson Davis Hogg, prosecuting attorney of Hazzard County, Georgia, as the new Attorney General of the United States," said King Donald in a televised address. "They call him Boss Hogg, and he's the boss of crime-fighting. He totally ended crime in Hazzard County and now he'll end it all across America."
Reaction came quick and sudden.
John Schneider, who played Bo Duke on the classic action-comedy series "The Dukes of Hazzard," said, "You know Boss Hogg ain't real, right? And how are you going to get him anyway when he's been dead 32 years?"
Tom Wopat, who played Luke Duke on the same series, said "what the hell is that idiot talking about Boss Hogg cleaning up crime in Hazzard County? Except for a little speedin', bootleggin,' car-jumpin' and blowin' stuff up with dynamite-tipped arrows, the only person committing crimes in Hazzard was Boss Hogg."
Catherine Bach, who played Daisy Duke in the same series, said "I have said for a long time Trump was slipping. I'm not anymore. Nominating Boss Hogg to be Attorney General shows the cheese has slid completely off Trump's cracker. Besides, Boss Hogg wasn't no damned prosecutor, he was the county commissioner - and crookeder than a dog's hind leg."
In further news, The Kraft Heinz Company has halted shipments of ketchup to all stores and distribution centers located east of the Mississippi River for the next three days. Said Steve Cahillane, CEO of Kraft Heinz, "our ketchup is intended to be enjoyed by eating it, not throwing it against the wall."