Well I'm Glad We Got Through the Week Without Committing Genocide (Ferret/Shower Cap)
When I saw him talking about killing a whole civilization, I just assumed he meant ours. That the Project 2025 termites had finally gnawed through enough support beams to bring the whole motherfucker down around our ears.
Then I remembered Donnie Dotard’s late-onset megalomania.
(Incidentally, ye know not what wonder await ye if read this post here: https://showercapblog.com/well-im-glad-we-got-through-the-week-without-committing-genocide/)
“Oh right! We handed command of the most awesome goddamn military force in human history to an amoral narcissist who grows more desperate to rewrite his legacy with each fresh application of concealer to the ever-expanding death splotch on his left hand.”
“Open the Fuckin’ Strait, you crazy bastards, or you’ll be living in Hell,” he mashed out with his stunted, ineffectual fingers, no doubt hoping random miscapitalizations would make his madman act seem extra madman-y.
And maybe Catturd was impressed, but the Iranians sure weren’t. If their centuries-old culture did indeed face genocide, at least they’d troll their annihilator with surprisingly amusing AI Lego videos first. And let me say, I was already plenty ashamed of my country before we lost a meme war to medieval theocrats.
He needed a little help from Pakistan to chicken out this time, but Power Plant Day and Bridge Day are best left unobserved, don’t you think? I never know what to bring to the parties. War crimes? Olive oil? Maybe I’ll just hang out in the corner and watch the Ayatollah play with his new toy.
Yes, this holiday season, every autocrat in your life will be clamoring for a Strait of Hormuz of their very own. Who needs more than two dolls when you can make the global economy dance to your merest whim? Why, even the President of the United States of America can’t help but fantasize about all that sweet, sweet toll revenue.
…all he has to do is work out the details with the religious fanatic whose father he killed. How hard could it be for the master dealmaker? I’ve already preordered the challenge coin.
Until then, we’ll just have to tide ourselves over with all this inflation. Luckily, there’s plenty to go ‘round.
Everybody assumes our “next conquest” will be the invasion of Cuba, or maybe even Greenland, but my money’s on the Vatican. That’s right, if this so-called Pope insists upon preaching peace, Uncle Sam might have to get Avignon on his anointed ass.
Although at the rate we’re going, there won’t be any military left to do the conquerin’. Shit, if Hegseth keeps purging the Pentagon of all personnel more impressive than himself, who’ll do the vacuuming, for starters?
Am I a hypocrite for wanting peace in the Middle East while simultaneously hoping this MAGA civil war slides into mutually assured destruction territory as soon as humanly possible? Trump, Tucker, Candace, Megyn, Alex Jones…let’s dig these kids some trenches and let ‘em work their shit out. There’s gotta be some old mustard gas lying around someplace, right?
JD Vance flew to Hungary to campaign for Viktor Orbán, because convincing an electorate to sign on for a second helping of shit is integral to his own political future. Oddly, the Vice President declined to visit any other NATO allies on his trip, just the flailing Putin puppet. Hmm. And his speeches are usually such big hits on th’continent, too.
I suppose I should be madder to see Russian propagandists cavorting around the White House lawn at the Easter Egg Roll, but if you really wanna spend your leisure time around a decomposing rapist while he rants at children about the autopen, knock yourselves out, dorks.
Turd Reich apparatchiks probably shouldn’t place too much faith in their boss’ (alleged) promise to hand out blanket pardons on the way out the door, because there’s no fucking way the old man’s reading and writing skills survive another three years.
Acting AG Todd Blanche will love him no matter what, though. But not in a Fatal Attraction sort of way, or…y’know what? In an extremely Fatal Attraction sort of way, actually. Don’t tell Lindsey Graham, or the battle for the spot at the foot of the bed might get bloody.
After a reeeeeeeal rough stretch, it looks like Bryon Noem is finally back on the path to a quiet, simple life of normalcy and digniOPE, NEVER MIND.
Goddammit, Donald Trump didn’t launch a 200-front trade war just so Donald Trump could build his ballroom out of European steel! Or wait, since the aforementioned Eurosteel was clearly a bribe to get out from under tariffs, maybe the system is working precisely as intended. MURICA FIRST!
Melania wants you to know that Jeffrey Epstein didn’t swap her to the Donald for fifty bucks and a case of beer. Called a whole-ass press conference to say so, in fact. Say, speaking of the Epstein files, wasn’t there something about a game show host sexually assaulting a 13-year-old girl? I wonder whatever happened to that guy…
Marjorie Taylor Greene seems to know! I wasn’t exactly a fan of Marj’s work in Congress, but I think she’s found her calling. If she keeps it up, I say we let her fire the space laser. Just once. On her birthday, maybe.
The CDC doesn’t want the public to know that Covid vaccines work, which strikes me as maybe not the most efficient way of controlling diseases, though I suppose we should be thankful they’re not promoting ivermectin. Or bleach.
The regime announced the end of the U.S. Forest Service, which is obsolete now that we understand all of our woodlands’ problems can be solved with six or seven brooms.
A little light this week because THE NEW COMIC BOOK ARRIVED FROM THE PRINTERS!
That’s right, GENERAL WASHINGTON AND THE LIBERTY TREE #1 is here! In fact, it’s ALL OVER MY APARTMENT, as I prepare packages for shipping!
Now, because I am not necessarily the brightest masked blogger on the block, I neglected to send out my Kickstarter backer surveys until this week. So if you haven’t already, check your email for your survey so I can get your rewards shipped to you!
And if you didn’t back the last Kickstarter, FEAR NOT, because GENERAL WASHINGTON AND THE LIBERTY TREE #2 is riiiiiiiiiight around the corner!
But if you just can’t wait to give me some of your money, why not toss a few bucks into the ol’ tip jar (via Cash App, PayPal, or Venmo) to keep me in beer while I work? Joining the email list and following @john_luzar are still free, of course! Thanks for reading, and stay safe out there, friend-o…
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GENERAL WASHINGTON AND THE LIBERTY TREE #1
Thanks for everything. ❤️
