Gorilla Sales Skyrocket After Latest Gorilla Attack

[Nye Bevan]

SAN DIEGO—Following the events of last week, in which a crazed western lowland gorilla ruthlessly murdered 21 people in a local shopping plaza after escaping from the San Diego Zoo, sources across the country confirmed Thursday that national gorilla sales have since skyrocketed.

“After seeing yet another deranged gorilla just burst into a public place and start killing people, I decided I need to make sure something like that never happens to me,” said 34-year-old Atlanta resident Nick Keller, shortly after purchasing a 350-pound mountain gorilla from his local gorilla store. “It just gives me peace of mind knowing that if I’m ever in that situation, I won’t have to just watch helplessly as my torso is ripped in half and my face is chewed off. I’ll be able to use my gorilla to defend myself.”

“Law enforcement and animal control can only get there so quickly,” Keller added. “And you never know when you’ll need to use a gorilla to save your life.”

Reports confirmed that gorilla sales have historically risen sharply in the immediate aftermath of a major gorilla attack, most notably after the 2010 tragedy in the small town of Logan, NM, where 14 people, including two 5-year-old children and a 92-year-old woman, were viciously beaten to death by a 12-year-old gorilla who spontaneously attacked patrons of a crowded grocery store.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/gorilla-sales-skyrocket-after-latest-gorilla-attac,30860/

[blogslut]

1. Oh. My. God.

Damned Onion.

[lob1]

2. Funny article. To be fair to gorillas, tho, they are very gentle animals.

They can rip you to pieces, but they really don't want to.

[MoonRiver]

4. Yes, because they know we have the guns.

But seriously the article does express the madness of our gun culture.

[Buns_of_Fire]

3. "Everybody's got something to hide, 'cept for me and my monkey."

My gorilla goes with me everywhere. I don't have a Concealed Gorilla Permit, since it's hard to conceal a gorilla.

[librarylu]

5. I could buy an AR-15 at Walmart.....

.....but where do I go to get a Gorilla?

This isn't satire:

http://www.thenation.com/article/171808/how-walmart-helped-make-newtown-shooters-ar-15-most-popular-assault-weapon-america

[ThoughtCriminal]

6. January 31!

&feature=share&list=UU8bLjSPWztWzdzbIyImx6yg

[muriel_volestrangler]

11. Damn, I'd forgotten just how good Don Martin could be

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

[Bigmack]

7. We won't let them interfere with our god-given right to bear gorillas....

If they start implementing a mandatory waiting period for gorilla purchases, it's going to be 17,000,000 BC all over again!

[Bigmack]

8. Are those assault gorillas...?... with a 30 banana magazine..? nt

[Bigmack]

9. I'm going...

... to get my Silverback today! You just know those jackbooted thugs are going to change the law.

[baldguy]

10. You'll get to take away my gorilla when you pry it fom my cold, dead hands!

[alcibiades_mystery]

12. When you pry me from its filthy paws

[Yavin4]

16. Gross.

I don't care that she can talk. It's still a damn, dirty ape.

[Liberal_Dog]

13. K & R

I'm going to look for gorillas on Amazon.

[A Simple Game]

14. Whoopdedo, everyone knows a mountain gorilla is

useless against a lowland gorilla.

[dionysus]

15. brings new meaning to the term banana clip...