If sex is a constant rerun of how we lost our virginity, we're screwed

[xchrom]

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2013/jan/30/sex-rerun-lost-virginity-screwed


'Everyone knows that the sex you have in college is some of the worst you'll have in your life.' Photograph: Justin Pumfrey/Getty Images

Having trouble in the sack? Bedroom antics feeling a little lacklustre? Well, put down the ben wa balls and the ginseng, and stop what you're doing. According to a new study featured in the Atlantic, it could be down to the very first time you ever had sex. That's right – apparently how you lost your virginity shapes your entire sexual life, and not just in an obvious way in that you weren't having sex before it and now you are, but in all kinds of deep, psychologically penetrating ways.

If you're sad when you do the deed, for example, then you will be sad forever, and are doomed to a life of crying after sex while wailing "I'm just so happy!" at your stricken-faced lover. However, if you were basking in the warm afterglow (their word, not mine) of your lover's sticky embrace, then you will have fantastic, orgasm-ridden sex for the rest of your days – just like Meg Ryan in that diner.

I don't know about you, but I find the notion that your virginity scenario can have such a dramatic effect on your sexual fate somewhat disturbing. It's as though the minute the guy withdraws, a genie appears and booms "let me show you your sextiny", as myriad dissatisfying encounters flash before your still-bulbous eyes. Considering that I spent most of my teens initiating sex in order to avoid having to watch The Matrix, it wouldn't have boded well for my sexual future. Would you, like some kind of Ebeneezer Screwge, be given the chance to right your wrongs and change the course of history forever? Or could you go back in time and stand eerily behind your past lovers and, instead of interrupting their pottery making, just yell "WEAR A CONDOM!" in their ear repeatedly? So many questions.

Of course, we all know that the survey is rubbish. It was conducted on US college students, for a start, who probably lost their virginities about five minutes ago. Furthermore, they were made to keep sex diaries for two weeks, as though that constitutes an accurate snapshot of anyone's sex life. Everyone knows that the sex you have in college is some of the worst that you'll have in your life, and nowhere near as frequent as people tell you it is. They will imply it's like the last days of Rome, when in fact it amounts to months of frustration punctuated only by the occasional two-pump encounter in the utility room at a house party with someone who reeks of Grolsch and ketamine, and talks about how funny Stewart Lee is throughout.

[lunatica]

1. Yeah. Sex in college is pretty bad

Real people don't have that much experience when they get to college, and there's mostly a lot of fumbling and stumbling. Awkward.

[seabeyond]

2. at least a little honesty, finally, when talking about sex and these stupid ass studies.

Of course, we all know that the survey is rubbish. It was conducted on US college students, for a start, who probably lost their virginities about five minutes ago. Furthermore, they were made to keep sex diaries for two weeks, as though that constitutes an accurate snapshot of anyone's sex life. Everyone knows that the sex you have in college is some of the worst that you'll have in your life, and nowhere near as frequent as people tell you it is. They will imply it's like the last days of Rome, when in fact it amounts to months of frustration punctuated only by the occasional two-pump encounter in the utility room at a house party with someone who reeks of Grolsch and ketamine, and talks about how funny Stewart Lee is throughout.

[CincyDem]

3. First time ???? Hell...I can't even remember the last time ! n/t