New Study Finds Nothing That Will Actually Convince You To Change Your Lifestyle So Just Forget It

[octoberlib]

CHICAGO—Though it contains several significant discoveries with a direct bearing on human health, a comprehensive study published this week in The Journal Of The American Medical Association has found no data that will in fact convince you to change your lifestyle in any way, so what’s the point of even telling you about it?

“Rigorous, controlled study of hundreds of volunteers has revealed a dramatic trend toward nothing that will make you take better care of yourself, or alter your behavior in a meaningful sense, thus leading us to conclude we’re all wasting our time here,” said study author Dr. Janice Carlisle, who added that 85 percent of Americans probably tuned out the second they heard the word “study” anyway, because isn’t that just how people fucking are.

“Well-established scientific facts about long-term health meant nothing to you last year, and they’ll mean nothing to you this year or any year after until you die, so forget it. Just do what you want.” Carlisle added that the new research might also help explain the role a sedentary lifestyle plays in—look, no one has even read past the first sentence of this news story, so there’s really no reason to go into it, now is there?

http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-study-finds-nothing-that-will-actually-convinc,32259/

[Warren DeMontague]

1. Yes, but what if your lifestyle includes continually believing you can change your lifestyle

even if you can't?

[octoberlib]

2. Good point, lol nt

[uriel1972]

3. I read the headline and thought, maybe Onion, maybe not.

That I thought "maybe not" is telling, after working in and being around the healthcare world for around 25 years I have learned it is very difficult to change long term patterns for good.

I am a prime example of that, but I'm still working on that Sisyphean task.

[Pholus]

4. The onion is FOLLOWING reality on this one...

I remember catching my father smoking with an oxygen concentrator, mask on his face.

Mortified I reported it to the home health rep who was responsible for the machine.

She just laughed and said: "If I took every one of those away from a person who smoked while using it, I would have a warehouse full of unused machines."

So again, the humor is that it is true.

[laundry_queen]

9. Sounds like my grandfather

He even sustained burns on his face from several small explosions while smoking w/oxygen. The only effect the burns had was to make his wrinkles go away, and make his skin smooth. He looked years younger than what he was. My great aunt - with a wonderful sense of humour and many wrinkles, said on my grandfather's 97th birthday, "Look at his face. It's like a baby's bum. Well, maybe he has found the cure for wrinkles - maybe I'm doing it all wrong - all this exercise and healthy eating...what I should've been doing all this time is putting on some oxygen and lighting up a cigarette and blowing up my face! Small price to pay for that skin, look at him!"

[patricia92243]

5. "A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still." n/t

[oberliner]

6. New study finds that The Onion is not funny anymore

All good things I guess.

[alterfurz]

10. Too true to be good...

...or funny.

[oberliner]

11. Calvin and Hobbes

Happy memories!

[HiPointDem]

7. people change their habits when the environment changes. that can work in many ways, from

small to large changes.

that's why modern attempts to target and penalize individual health behaviors are so stupid.

[Zorra]

8. Meh, if people want to kill themselves, it means more space, air, and water for me.

I mean, hey, why should I bother telling people about how I learned how to stay 35 yrs old and live forever? They won't listen anyway, so fuck 'em, ya know?

Here. have a fatty 20 oz T-Bone, a coke, and a smoke.

Regular or menthol?

[smirkymonkey]

12. I love the Onion. Sometimes I think they are more truthful than the so-called

"real" news.