Saw something today that I just cannot get out of my head . . .

[markpkessinger]

. . . It's not the first time I've seen it, nor will it be the last. Indeed, what I saw was a replay of something I've seen probably hundreds of times over the years. The setting may change, and the persons involved may be different, but the dynamic is unmistakeable.

So, I'm on the subway today. Seated opposite me in the car are a young couple, a man and a woman, could be married or just dating, in the midst of a very intense exchange. They're voices are low enough that I cannot make out what they're saying from where I sit. The young woman is seated, her body and head facing straight ahead, her eyes cast downward. She appears to be embarrassed for the two of them; she's clearly uncomfortable, and looks as if she would give just about anything for this little drama to be playing out somewhere -- anywhere -- other than in this public setting. The young man is seated next to her, his body turned towards and leaning into her, crowding her. His head and eyes are staring straight at the young woman, his flushed face less than two inches from hers. He is going on and on about something; although I can't hear his words, I can see the intense energy that is going into his enunciation of them and the pulsating veins in his neck and forehead. There is a menace in the young man's energy towards her; everything about his body language suggests an implied threat of violence, an intent to intimidate. Here and there, she appears to try to respond, although she never turns her head to look at him, and she never allows her eyes to look upwards or outwards, lest she catch the gaze of those around her, but the young man's rant continues. Finally, after the young woman has given up even trying to respond to him, it appears as if he has finished. His body turns to face forward again, his back comes to rest against the back of the set, his arms cross and he turns his head as if to look in the opposite direction from her. A look of relief begins to spread across the young woman's face, and the tension that had gripped her body seems as if it is about to abate. But only momentarily. After no more than 5 or 10 seconds, he's at it again.

As this all continues to play out, I know -- I KNOW -- there is much more, and much worse, that happens between them behind closed doors and out of public view. Inside my head, I am saying to her, "Don't let him do this to you! Don't let anyone do this to you! Drop him like the scum he clearly is!"; and to him, "Who ever told you that you had a right to do that to her or to anybody else?". For a moment, I think about giving actual voice to those thoughts. But no, I reason with myself, they're total strangers, and it isn't my place to intervene. And in any case, I don't know the whole story between the two of them. I pull out my phone and start reading my text messages -- anything to try to ignore what is happpening a few feet away, and to convince myself my conscience is clear. But that little voice continues to nag: "Hmm . . . 'Not my place to say anything' -- sounds a lot like rationalizing your own inaction. How many others whose paths have crossed with this couple have similarly rationalized looking the other way?" My internal debate is interrupted by the sound of a computer-generated, female voice intoning, "This is . . . Seventh Avenue . . .Fifty-Third . . . Street." The couple exits the train, and I am inwardly relieved that the decision of whether or not to speak up has been taken out of my hands, that my little crisis of conscience has been resolved for me. Until the next time, that is. And, barring my own untimely demise, there almost certainly WILL be a next time.

Ultimately, of course, I realize that if I had presumed to say what I wanted to say to this young couple, it might have had the unintended result of making things a whole lot worse for this young woman when the couple got home. But two questions continue to bother me (even though they are both really rhetorical ones): (1) who teaches young men that they are entitled to control, to own, the women they date and/or marry; and (2) who teaches young women that they should ever accept that kind of controlling behavior from someone else?

[mike_c]

1. I am 58 years old today...

...and I am STILL ashamed of some of the arguments I had with women who loved me 30 and 40 years ago. And I was never violent, just vehemently self centered and manipulative. I can't explain it. I don't even understand how that young man came to be the one I am today.

I will say that life is a process. It takes living it and making mistakes in order to learn, at least if we are trying to learn.

I work with mostly twenty-somethings in higher ed, so I see my younger self in young men all the time. It makes me sad for myself and sad for them. I suppose it has always been this way-- with wisdom, comes understanding of our own shortcomings.

[jaysunb]

3. +1

I see myself in your post....

Happy birthday.

[markpkessinger]

5. Thanks for so honestly sharing your perspective. . .

. . . It helps me put things into some perspective. I'm 52 myself, but, as a gay man, have never understood why so many young, heterosexual men are so possessive and domineering of the women they date or marry.

[Demeter]

8. My Ex is your age

and he will NEVER come as far as you have...never. He doesn't have the capacity to change. Be grateful that you can still grow in wisdom, maturity, humanity. It might be nice to make amends to those women from your youth, by the way...

[Brickbat]

2. The answer to both your questions is the same:

Society, which (1) does not speak up and tell them not to, and (2) tells them they probably deserve it, unless they're showing their bewbs and stuff.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

4. I was never taught to assert myself, as a female.

Parents violated boundaries, so I was expected to be a doormat. I was not taught that I did not have to put up with abusive, negative men who hated everything. There are a lot of them out there.

[PDJane]

6. My father taught me to be totally passive...and then got angry when I didn't stand up for myself.

I think it's fairly common with women, and the dynamic changes slowly.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

7. Yeah, my mom would complain about my being taken advantage of.

But did she ever tell me to walk away from these people??? No.

[RebelOne]

9. Fortunately, I had a mother who was married 3 times

and would not take abuse or shit from any of her husbands and I learned from her. I never allowed any man to abuse me, and if they tried, I fought back and they were usually the ones who ended up on the short end of the stick. I even knocked out my husband who was 6 foot 3 with a cast iron frying pan.

[OldHippieChick]

10. Abuse takes place over a long time

First they fall in love. The abuser is charming and reins her in. She will do anything for him. He begins nit-picking - her clothes, her hair, her cooking, etc. She changes to please him. He begins to criticize and belittle. She tries harder because she loves him. Soon he begins to cut her off from her friends, her family and starts controlling her time and distrusting her if she is even 5 minutes late. He watches her gas tank. He calls or texts her numerous times each day. He checks her cell phone each night. By now, if she dares stand up for herself, he can - and often does - turn physically violent. It is all her fault he says. Next day he brings flowers and tells her how much he loves her and how he'd die w/out her.

And the cycle begins anew ...

And it is a cycle and it often comes from parents, but it may be that the mother was just very, very weak even though the father was not a beater, but she learned to be weak. And maybe his father was not a beater, but he was the boss and always in control. So many possibilities ...

The answer is to break the cycle.

[Triana]

15. +1 - in my experience it was learned

Submissive accommodating mother and abusive father -and another male in the family who is a pedophile. Unless you're pretty or cute, submissive and showing skin and/or putting out, you're worthless or worth less.

And society teaches girls to always be 'nice' and not complain. No matter what is being done to them. They must fit in, be smart (but not "too" smart), pretty and physically perfect. And if they're not perfect by whatever measure of perfection is in vogue (now it's thigh gaps, among others), they're deemed inferior, less-than - even by their own female friends - and certainly by society as a whole - for that and myriad other reasons.

The pressure put upon young women and girls is horrendous. It was in the 1970s as I remember and it's now probably worse - or is just different now - but it's still there.

I think it often is learned in the home. Not always but often. Society teaches men to be 'tough' and not to 'let any woman tell them what to do'. It teaches women to be submissive, accommodating, servile, to please. Men are taught to please themselves and to use/force/mold the world and others in it to please or serve them. Women are mostly taught to please and serve men - though they're more career and education-oriented now - but the base teaching is still prevalent.

Edit: this is how I experienced abuse ie: it happened over time. Started out with a very charming 'sweep you off your feet' type (red flag #1, IMO). Then the nit-picking and 'defining' starts, which over time escalated to outright verbal/emotional/physical abuse, constant criticism, name-calling (mean shit), public humiliation, projection, control. It now has another victim. I wish her luck.

[Skittles]

11. see, I DO interfere

I get right in their face - if anything it lets the victim know the behavior is sickening and unacceptable

[mercymechap]

12. I didn't learn it from my mother, who was way too nice to

speak out like I do, but I have never been passive or restrained. And, my daughter is way more assertive than I ever was. I don't know that it is a thing that is taught/learned, but something in our genes that makes us assertive or doormats. I can't imagine what that scene described by OP would have been like if it had been me and my boyfriend/husband. I probably would have punched him in the face.

[olddots]

13. Its predator and prey how many thousnds of years later ?

We aren't even beginning to be civilized even with our toys and science we are dumb animals and this is why if there was a superior
life form from another planet they would avoid us like a fresh dog poop.

[1StrongBlackMan]

14. OP ...

I would suggest that what you witnessed, in her body language, was not “embarrassment”; but, fear.

But you are quite correct … your intervention, at that point, very well could have led to his “Just wait til I get you home.” Personally, I draw the line at: when he/she gets physical … then, and only then, will I/have I intervene(d).