When mom earns more, it's tough on dad

[davidn3600]

(CNN) -- A new study by Pew Research Center finds that, more and more, married mothers are earning more than their husbands -- about 23%, up from 4% in 1960. That's nearly one in four families. And although men say they support equality, they are struggling with this new reality.

Take Mina and Rich. They had been married for five years when Mina was appointed dean of admissions at an elite liberal arts college across the country. The couple decided that Rich, a busy attorney in private practice, would take some time off to stay home with their two children, who were 1 and 3, until they decided whether the new town, and her new job, would be a long-term fit.

The new arrangement worked out well, at least at the start. But a few months into her new job, Mina wondered if Rich was really as happy as he insisted he was. She wondered the same about herself.

Although Rich was home all day, he still often expected Mina to cook dinner. Laundry piled up. He hadn't made an effort to make friends or form any connections outside the house. "I began to worry about our marriage for the first time ever," Mina told me. "As if I'd forced some change on him. He'd become a different person."

Although most men say they support -- even welcome -- the idea of a dual income household and equality in marriage, evidence shows that men whose wives earn more may actually be suffering on a number of levels. And that although the social pressure that once discouraged women from working outside the home has given way, the pressure on husbands to be the primary earner remains.

http://www.cnn.com/2013/05/30/opinion/drexler-women-breadwinners

And that's a big part of the problem... society still does not view a relationship as being equal. Social pressure still exists for the man to be the breadwinner. Society has not accepted the fact that women can or should be filling that role in a family.

[FrodosPet]

1. Who is this "Society" person, anyhow?

Society is an ass. Society is the cause of so many problems. Society is a racist, a misogynist, greedy, and so many more bad things.

Shame on Society. Somebody oughta do something about that sleazeball. If I weren't so busy, I would give Society a piece of my mind. And hoo boy...they would know they've had a talking to!

[cali]

2. social pressures still exist for women to stay home and take care of men and children

is another way of putting it.

[justiceischeap]

17. Social pressures still INSIST that a working woman come home after a day of work to her 2nd job

of taking care of men and children and housework and food preparation and laundry and housework.

I'm not saying all men leave it up to women to do but some do and don't have a thought about it.

[marions ghost]

3. Not surprising

---this is how it is when a centuries-old paradigm changes. The old societal expectations don't jive with the new reality.

Sounds like Rich's time on the home front is not permanent. He needs to take a cooking class, deal with the laundry, and get out more. Find a house husband group maybe? I don't have a line on this but I'm sure they exist.

We do need more outlets and help for men doing home duty while a wife works.

[Le Taz Hot]

4. This needs to be filed under

"He needs to get the fuck over it" file. Does anyone else see this as a sexist article because I sure do. Why CAN'T he do the laundry? HE'S supposed to be the homemaker. At least for now. Why is SHE feeling guilty? What the hell has SHE got to feel guilty about? See? Everything would be all better if it was HER who stayed home and he was the breadwinner. Pffffttt!

[cali]

5. That's what I meant to say!

Yes. Exactly right.

[Le Taz Hot]

6. cali, you and I may not always agree

but I swear to goddess we talk/write exactly the same. I've noticed that before when I've read one of your posts and thought, "that sounds like something I would say." LOL! 'Course that's when I'm writing "street." Other times I slip into academia-speak just to keep 'em guessing.

[sibelian]

9. Totally agree.

One's role does not define one's personality.

[Behind the Aegis]

10. Did you read the entire article?

Eventually, through hours and hours of conversations with Mina and many ups and downs at home, Rich came to not only accept his role as stay-at-home dad, and the lesser earner, but also to enjoy the opportunities it afforded him.

He was able to coach their son's soccer team, and he never missed a ballet recital. Once the kids began school, he reopened his private law practice part-time, taking only those cases that truly interested him. "I'd been worried he was becoming a different person, and he did become one," Mina told me. "But turns out different was better. At least for us."

[Le Taz Hot]

12. Nope.

But apparently he did get the fuck over it so, as it turns out, I was right.

[Behind the Aegis]

13. Only partially.

Sexism runs both ways.

[Le Taz Hot]

14. Yeah, OK.

Wait. Whut?

[Behind the Aegis]

15. It isn't a difficult concept to understand.

"Men are/should be raised to be the breadwinners, if they aren't they aren't real men."

"Women should be homemakers and raise their children, if they don't they aren't real women."

Both are sexist assumptions.

[Le Taz Hot]

16. Yes, I understand the concept

but thanks for explaining it to me anyway 'cause I haven't been a feminist since, like 1968. The question is, what has that got to do with what I posted?

[Behind the Aegis]

18. I said "Sexism runs both ways." Your response was "Yeah. OK. Wait Whut?"

I answered your question.

[Le Taz Hot]

19. Yeah, I was there.

Your "sexism runs both ways" response seemed like a non-sequiteur.

This is gettin' stupid.

Have a good night.

LTH

[Behind the Aegis]

20. Then why did you ask why I posted what I did?

You are correct in that this is stupid because we are either talking past one another or something else is at play. Either way, the point still remains, sexism runs both ways.

[stevenleser]

41. I think Matt Baggins #23 and #32 below explain what BTA was thinking. I could be wrong and am open

to being corrected.

A severe and instantaneous lifestyle change can be jarring and potentially a catalyst for depression for anyone. I think you inadvertently perpetuated gender stereotypes by bashing the man for having a period of adjustment.

I would expect a woman who was a lawyer in private practice who became a stay at home mom to also go through a period of adjustment and perhaps have difficulties as well. Humans in general do not deal so well with change.

[madmom]

39. When my 2 children were young, I worked a

40 hour a week job outside the house. I also did laundry, cooked meals, did the shopping and I never missed a recital or ball game.... it's called being a parent!!!!!!

[Dash87]

22. Yup. This is bs and he's just lazy.

Get off your butt and help out. It should be equally shared. It sounds like the guy wants a servant.

[MattBaggins]

23. Nice sexist comment there

Could the primary key to his problem be found in the comment that he wasn't making friends outside of the house?

The idiotic comments about him are the same ones that used to be made against women who had to stay at home and often suffered depression from a lack of self actualization. If anyone were callous enough to say that a woman was lazy and needed to get over it, they would be called out on it.

I hope the people in this thread are not counselors of any form. This is a case of basic depression due to a life style change one was not really prepared for. This would have been disruptive for an individual of any gender. I don't think beating a person up for depression is very effective, although it is the American way, so I suppose it is to be expected.

[Dash87]

29. Haha how is that sexist?

He just sounds like he doesn't want to help out with the laundry, and would rather be a couch potato. It has nothing to do with all guys.

I don't know if he's depressed but he could at least help his wife so that she doesn't have to work all day and then come home and clean everything. It's common courtesy.

Plus he eventually "accepted his role" and started helping out. That doesn't sound like he was depressed, but more like he felt like his wife should do everything just because its 'traditional' or some crap like that.

[MattBaggins]

32. He was most likely suffering from depression

which many on this board jump on as him being lazy. When typically well adjusted people suddenly stop doing even simple basic tasks, it is a sign of depression, and calling them lazy does not help the situation at all.

If this were a story about a woman having difficulty adjusting to such a drastic lifestyle role and posters jumped on her for it, I would call that sexist as well. I call it sexist since many comments on this board or going down the road of "men are lazy and can't do housework". That probably wasn't the case here.

[uponit7771]

38. SUDDEN or DRAMATIC drop in activity usually means depression not laziness

[Demo_Chris]

33. Great post! Thanks for making me think and reconsider my position. nt

[Hekate]

7. deleted by me

on second thought, deleted

[sibelian]

8. FFS

MAN UP, buddy. You can't do the fricking laundry?

Pfffffff...

[Behind the Aegis]

11. Did you read the entire article?

Eventually, through hours and hours of conversations with Mina and many ups and downs at home, Rich came to not only accept his role as stay-at-home dad, and the lesser earner, but also to enjoy the opportunities it afforded him.

He was able to coach their son's soccer team, and he never missed a ballet recital. Once the kids began school, he reopened his private law practice part-time, taking only those cases that truly interested him. "I'd been worried he was becoming a different person, and he did become one," Mina told me. "But turns out different was better. At least for us."

[Phentex]

21. I read it but the point is the same...

so they worked it out and everything is sunshine and rainbows. The point is NO ONE should feel diminished if they earn less than the other person, man or woman.

But they do. Women traditionally have felt this for ages. Now, some men are starting to experience what that's like.

The title of this article gets a big Boo Hoo. That's why people are saying so what?

[MattBaggins]

26. "Women traditionally have felt this for ages."

Would the title merit a big boo hoo if it were about women suffering from depression?

Come on America let's play "make fun of the person suffering from depression"

He should just suck it up like a man and pull himself up by the bootstraps.

[Phentex]

27. No, he should not have to deal with it at all...

NO ONE should be made to feel inferior based on income. It's not one or the other, men vs women. He should not have to suck it up any more than a woman should have to.

[MattBaggins]

28. I doubt it was about income

I would say difficulties in forming friendships in his new lifestyle was the bigger culprit.

A general sense of self worth and self actualization was most likely a bigger problem then just making less money.

[Phentex]

31. That's probably true, but nearly every paragraph

mentions money, income, earnings. To me the author is clearly trying to make this about who earns more and the effects of that.

Either way, I think people have to be very secure with themselves in order to make this work.

[MattBaggins]

34. I think the author is wrong for doing that.

Perpetuate a war of the sexes, instead of examining the simple concept of how difficult it is for any person to deal with such drastic lifestyle changes.

If we had better counseling services in this country and were more sympathetic to issues of depression, perhaps this would have been a better article.

[Phentex]

35. Exactly!

[MattBaggins]

24. This is America Aegis. We berate people for depression.

Wait for the obligatory..."but my life story is worse, so that invalidates any experience this man may have had".

[HiPointDem]

25. these days its tough on dad when she earns less, too

[La Lioness Priyanka]

30. there are other studies that show that stay at home fathers enjoy that role

when they chose it rather than when it accidentally became their lives (by losing jobs). usually they have some non-traditional jobs (musician, novelist etc)

however men do less housework when their masculinity is threatened at work.

[Jennicut]

36. Staying home with young children at first is a big adjustment, I have been there. It was lonely

at first. I stayed home with my baby as we had just moved and the job was an hour away. I tried part time but then ended up pregnant again and with my kids a year apart (like having twins, only more complicated) I stayed home. My husband helped less because I was home more. Stuff piled up and I missed adult contact. I missed being able to buy my own things without asking for money from someone else. But I adjusted and ended up enjoying that time with my girls. I would not say this man was a jerk. He just had to adjust to a new role.

[Dawgs]

37. I'm offended that they jump back and forth between begin parents and just being married.

Not all married couples have kids.

This "article" screams of lazy reporting.

[LibertyLover]

40. I am the sole wage earner in our family now and always earned more than my husband

My husband has stayed home for the last 11 years or so, even before we adopted our daughter. While we were in the process of doing so, we decided that since I made more money it made sense for him to stay home for a couple of years with the kid. But he decided to start early - to "see if I can handle being at home". Boy howdy, could he. He hasn't bothered to look for work now in more than 5 years. We lost our home to foreclosure because he wouldn't find a job. Since we now rent, there's not much to do in the way of house chores. He runs a vacuum around once in a while, cooks dinner 3 or 4 times a week and will sometimes do his own laundry. He does mow the lawn, but that's about it in terms of yard work. Most of the time he watches tv, plays video games or works on models. When I get home I take care of the dogs, do the laundry for at least my daughter and I and usually him, cook 3 or 4 times a week, shop, etc. He gets really cranky if I get home later than about 6:15 pm and the Gods help me if I fall asleep while watching tv in the evening because I'm tired - I'm not available to talk to him. After dinner he watches more tv while I do the dishes - the house we currently rent does not have a dishwasher. Usually he complains to me about all the work he's done, meaning that he might have vacuumed the living room. Yeah, being the breadwinner is such a rewarding occupation.

[Arugula Latte]

42. Oh boy. That does NOT sound healthy.