Borowitz tells it first: Issa Demands Hearings Into Why No One Listens to Him

[Mira]

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The House Oversight Committee Chairman Rep. Darrell Issa (R-California) today called for hearings to investigate why no one has paid any attention to him in the weeks of hearings he has called for thus far.
“There is mounting evidence that no one listens to me, not even one little bit,” he told reporters on Capitol Hill. “The goal of these hearings is to find out why.”
He said that he first became aware that people might not be listening to him when he read a recent poll indicating that Americans’ primary concerns are jobs and the economy.
“Anyone in his right mind would know that this nation’s No. 1 problem right now is Benghazi talking points,” he said.
The California congressman said that he also intended “to investigate the chain of events that have led to people changing the channel the moment they see my face.”

“There is a consensus out there that I am an odious, self-serving tool who uses congressional hearings to advance my own petty political agenda,” he said. “I think it’s important to know who created that impression.”

Finally, Mr. Issa said, he hoped that the new hearings would “determine, once and for all, to what extent my moral authority has been undermined by allegations that I have been involved in car theft and arson.”
“The question is, what do the American people know about me and when did they know it?” he said.

www.borowitzreport.com

[cilla4progress]

1. Taking over from The Onion*!

*Is it really dead?

[ChairmanAgnostic]

4. naw, that was meta-snark.

but funny, and too close to the truth.

[BlueStreak]

2. Further adventures of "The Boy who Cried Wolf"

[Brother Buzz]

3. Boom!

Borowitz is on a hitting streak that will eclipse DiMaggio.

[louis-t]

5. Ha! Borowitz kills me.

[rurallib]

14. I am always amazed one person can be so productive,

so funny without being nasty. He is a treasure.

[KauaiK]

6. Issa is an imbecile in training

....if he keeps it up someone will investigate him (please please please!).

[Initech]

17. In training? You have to be born an imbecile to be as stupid as Issa.

[freshwest]

22. Born imbeciles act better than Issa. Darrell's behavior is a maladapted. Just sayin' n/t

[Enrique]

7. using his youthful indescretions is a low blow

who among us can honestly say we haven't stolen cars and burned down our own companies?

[Half-Century Man]

10. Got it backward once.

While stealing my own company I set my getaway car on fire. Awkward.

[Jack Rabbit]

8. It is not true that no one listens to Darrell Issa

The same people who listen to Alex Jones and Glenn Beck also listen to Darrell Issa and even take him seriously.

[siligut]

13. Yes, and the people who do listen are mesmerized

How else can they get away with such idiotic crap?

[patrice]

9. On a more serous note: Issa could be Borderline Personality disordered, a 100% user/manipulater.

I think it's called Borderline, because there's nothing central, no core, that one could call the individual's personality. There are only various processes that defend and obscure the 0 by getting others to do whatever happens to be "needed" at any given moment. All about power to do anything and everything to others by means of others.

[Cali_Democrat]

11. Awesome. n/t

[Monk06]

12. Issa makes Boner look like a genius, which is a kind of genius in it's own low brow way.

[ReRe]

15. That is too good...

Shoot that over to Freeperland.

[Gothmog]

16. I love good satire

Borowitz is in good form

[IcyPeas]

18. spot on. I hope darrell sees this.

[Hubert Flottz]

19. "Darrell Issa (R-California)" TYPO?

Shouldn't that read: Darrell Asshole (R-California)?

[Thor_MN]

25. They often get it wrong... Darrell Issa Asshole (R-CA)

[arcane1]

26. He'll always be "Issahole" to me

[Hubert Flottz]

27. Me too.

Where do they find all these freaks and con artists?

[neffernin]

20. Classic

“There is a consensus out there that I am an odious, self-serving tool who uses congressional hearings to advance my own petty political agenda,” he said. “I think it’s important to know who created that impression.”

Sometimes I hear those words when these guys speak

[Snake Plissken]

21. Testing 1-2-3, Testing 1-2-3 ... is this thing on?

https://soundcloud.com/mike-in-raleigh/right-wing-troll-notification

[Nanjing to Seoul]

23. “I think it’s important to know who created that impression.”

For your investigation, Darrell, you will just need this at the hearing:



Investigation concluded.

[Blue Owl]

24. The Preening Fuckstain

n/t

[Coyotl]

28. What do the American people know about my car thefts and when did they know it?

[Skidmore]

29. Let use this moment to start complaining about how Issa is wasting tax payer money

while tying up the House's time and not passing vital legislation. This needs to be said.