LA Times: Why bisexuals stay in the closet

[Luminous Animal]

Only 28% of bisexuals said most or all of the important people in their lives knew about their sexual orientation, compared to 71% of lesbians and 77% of gay men, Pew found. The numbers were especially small among bisexual men: Only 12% said they were out to that degree, compared to one-third of bisexual women who said the same.

Closeted bisexuals told the Los Angeles Times that they had avoided coming out because they didn't want to deal with misconceptions that bisexuals were indecisive or incapable of monogamy — stereotypes that exist among straights, gays and lesbians alike.

Elizabeth, who declined to give her last name, said that when some new friends chatted about women kissing women, she just kept quiet. "I wouldn't come out to them because they would say things" — that she was "sex-crazed" or was making it up.

John, a married man who realized that he was bisexual three years ago and has told his wife, said he worries about bringing her shame if he comes out more publicly. He suspects she would hear, "Surely you must have seen the signs," and, "How do you put up with that?"

http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-bisexuality-20130715,0,6117839.story?page=1&track=rss

[WinkyDink]

1. Why would married "John" need to "come out more publicly"? Ain't nobody's business!

[Luminous Animal]

2. Why would anyone come out of the closet?

[pnwmom]

3. Because living a lie isn't fun. n/t

[Luminous Animal]

5. Exactly.

[marshall]

4. Assuming he is and wants to remain monogamous, I agree

And at any rate, I tend to agree with Freud and Jung who said we are all bisexual.

[Luminous Animal]

6. What does coming out have to do with anyone's commitment to monogamy?

[DeadLetterOffice]

12. Thank you.

Yes, exactly. But very few people seem to understand that.

[marshall]

13. I mean that it is his choice

He should not feel compelled to come out, as he owes no explanations to anyone.

[jollyreaper2112]

7. how does it work in practice?

As someone who is heterosexual, I'd feel pretty ripped if I had to deny that part of myself like joining the Catholic priesthood. Not fun.

Wouldn't an active bisexual want engagement with both genders? Is that a phase gone through in dating and they settle with a marriage partner, have an open marriage, etc? How does it work in practice?

[Luminous Animal]

8. Sexual attraction does not automatically lead to acting on those desires.

Just like straight and monogamous couples who don't cheat even though they might feel sexually attracted to someone who is not their partner.

A friend of mind used to edit a magazine for the bi community. The magazine was called (tongue-in-cheek) "Anything That Moves" because that is a common insulting mindset regarding bis.

[Heddi]

11. I'm a bisexual woman. I've been married to my husband for 13 years.

I don't feel cheated, or that a part of me is denied because i"m married to a man instead of a woman. If I had fallen in love with a woman back in 1997 I'd have married/civil unione'd with her in 2000 instead of with my husband.

I like sex with women, I like sex with men. I don't feel denied if I'm having sex wit one and not the other.

On occasion we have had an open marriage, it's not a constant thing, and sometimes we have "friends" but most of the time we don't. That lets me have the fun of being with a woman sexually, but that's something we've only done rather recently in our relationship. WE've been together since 1997, married since 2000, and only started inviting others to the bedroom since 2010 or so. So the majority of our relationship I was "heterosexual" and just fine with that.

Prior to that, I never had an issue with the idea of not being with a woman again. I love my husband, he's enough for me.

And that's how it is with the bisexual women I've known, either through just friends at work or whatever, or through the people we've brought into our marriage. If the opportunity is there, great. If not, awesome.

We're normal people who just like to have sex with one more gender than homosexuals or heterosexuals do. We're not sex-starved and we're not incapable of monogamy. I know that sounds odd coming from someone who's admitted just above to "swinging," but to me, monogamy is more than sex. Firstly, all the encounters we've had have been with the both of us there, so it's still sex with my husband. And I'm not in love or even "in like" with any of the people we're "friends" with. I'm monogamous with my husband. I'm not cheating on him. Everything we do is consentual between ourselves, and works with our marriage.

[datasuspect]

9. i always thought of sex like a buffet

[MrScorpio]

10. How about the Trysexuals?

You know... If it's sexual, those people will try it?

[Behind the Aegis]

14. This isn't surprising.

Bisexuals face quite a bit of discrimination from both the gay and non-gay community (see above comments). The idea that someone is bisexual translates to many non-gays as "doing anyone, and everyone" and "incapable of being monogamous." In the gay community, many see bisexuality as a "phase," which is, of course, highly ironic (and wrong).