Scalia Offers to Help Pope Judge Gays - as revealed by Andy Borowitz

[Mira]

www.borowitzreport.com

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Responding to Pope Francis’s suggestion that the Pope is not capable of judging gays, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia contacted the Vatican today to say that he would be “more than happy” to help the Pontiff do so.

“If he’s having trouble judging homosexuals, well, then I’m his man,” Scalia told reporters after making his offer. “I have over a quarter century of professional experience.”
Justice Scalia said that he was sympathetic to Pope Francis’s difficulty in judging gays, but added, “Once he spends a few weeks watching the master at work, I’m sure he’ll get the hang of it.”
“I wasn’t great at judging homosexuals my first year in the job, either,” he said. “But now I can do it without thinking.”

Justice Scalia said that once Pope Francis feels confident about his ability to judge gays, he would help the Pontiff learn how to judge minorities and women.

[JoePhilly]

1. Love to see the Pope smack fat Tony right in the forehead

with that staff.

Not hard enough to draw blood or knock him unconscious ... but just one nice, quick, WHACK.

[longship]

2. Oh come on! At least he could knock him silly.

But that would presume that Fat Tony wasn't already silly. Also there's the problem that as a Franciscan, the Pope wouldn't likely smack anybody.

Still, the possibilities are intriguing. Another win for Borowitz.

[JoePhilly]

3. I went to a Jesuit University as an undergraduate ...

And I'm pretty sure that a few of those guys had smacked a few heads.

Borowitz is always great.

[longship]

4. Ah! The Jesuits. Always pushing for more education.

I am an atheist. But I kinda like some of the Catholics. Not so much the Vatican. But this guy is stirring the pot and I am beginning to like that a lot.

More than one DUer has noted that this is a reminder of times past, liberation theology, when Catholic clergy stood on principle instead of dogma.

It is refreshing to see it, especially after a particularly (IMHO) horrible Pope.

[JoePhilly]

6. Funny thing ...

I'm not a Catholic, never was. My family either.

Always more of an agnostic / atheist. Spent parts of my youth getting yelled at by Presbyterian and Baptist ministers. Meanwhile, my closest friends were Catholics.

So I've always found religion interesting, and St. Joe in Philly is a great school. Wide range of liberal arts.

My favorite part was how the Jesuit priests would take the good little catholic kids who showed up as freshman and beat the snot out of their memorized version of faith. You couldn't just recite some nonsense about Catholicism that you learned in Sunday school. They forced them to question their own faith very deeply.

I agree about this pope and the last as well.

My wife and I were discussing this yesterday. The new pope is clearly focused far more on social justice issues than any in recent times, where as the prior pope seemed like a pope from the 1600s or so.

[msanthrope]

5. Papa a Iesuita. nt

[longship]

7. I think you are attempting to say something to a non-Catholic, I recommend using English.

I suspect, without utilizing Google translate that you are saying Pope Francis is a Jesuit. But since I am at least as ignorant of Latin as I am about Catholicism, I may have to do a mea culpa here.

[msanthrope]

9. I am telling you that the Pope is a Jesuit, not a Franciscan. Say an "Ave Maria," and this

atheist will forgive you.

[longship]

12. Well, I kinda gave you a mea culpa.

I am in a good mood this afternoon and I couldn't resist pulling your chain a bit.

BTW, I was right about the translation in spite of never taken Latin.

Well, one can understand why one would think the Pope was a Franciscan. He named himself after the guy.

Alas! One has to keep up. Thank you for your correction.

[reformist2]

8. "Fat Tony"... LOL!

[UTUSN]

10. R#4 & K for, bwah-HAH!1 n/t

[Scuba]

11. "... I can do it without thinking."

That's our Tony.

[Scurrilous]

13. Heh.

[midnight]

14. Pope reminded Judge:In Matthew 7:2-5, Jesus warns against judging someone else for his sin when you

yourself are sinning even worse. That is the kind of judging Jesus commanded us not to do.