A short family visit - mending fences, watching a parent fail, and a dash of politics....
I just returned from a really enjoyable, and important, visit with family. Long story made short - my dad passed away in 2007, my mom did poorly emotionally after that and couldn't stay in her small RI home - so my brother and I realized she needed to go to an assisted living facility in FL - she is just a few miles from him, and I am in Raleigh, so quite distant. It put a terrible strain on my relationship with him, naturally - we've seen it over and over; the relative nearest the elderly family member takes on such responsibilities, and it is not easy for the distant ones to fully understand.
So this was an important trip - my mom, now 86, is failing quite badly both physically and mentally - but she (our whole family) were/are very fortunate to have a fine life in most respects. Spending a few hours per day with her, eating lunch with her at her facility, helping her with her thoughts and memories, enduring some pretty bad entertainment with her (not too much dignity in those places, though they sure try their best), understanding her world - all so important. My brother (who is very different from me in many ways) and I managed to find so much common ground, and experienced mutual joy in reconnecting - it is just he and I, in our tiny, scattered family (my wife feels similarly apart from her sister and brother, hundreds of miles away and with their own pretty heavy problems).
So I am sitting here feeling so good about the love I received, and the love I gave.
Where does politics come in? I read DU here and there on my phone - and there are such divisions showing - which given our big tent and high emotions and the time we live in are to be expected. But I thought about where we are in the country, the world - our own little slice at DU - and what I just experienced - a big rift that lasted for a long time, then a coming together and relishing where we met and sensing a foundation for even more closeness - and it made me both wishful and hopeful for us all to find those spaces that feel the same for us all - there are come clear common issues most if not all of us agree on - perhaps it is the methods, the timing, the who and how that divide us - but usually, not the what.
My final piece - talking to my wife at the airport, she heard this morning that her best friend from her youth (and a great friend to this day) was killed suddenly while just waiting to turn at a stoplight in her car - an out of control jeep crashed head first into her car and that was that.
Life is pretty short, even if we are young - and life is pretty precious. The trip, the passing of my wife's friend - the recovery of my dog Buddy (I owe DU and update on that one), seeing my mom grab onto every remaining day she has (which won't be many), finding family love again with my brother - it is all so precious.
Just wanted to share that. It's a tough time for many reasons. But hopefully - and usually - there is some good stuff too.
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a ray of sunshine. I think we all occasionally need to take a step back and relish what we're grateful for despite the trials we all endure. I'm glad you reconnected with your brother, too; I have two and we don't speak, haven't for years.
Yes, what's to be done about aging family members. It can become very problematic if the caretaking is done by only one person. My 92 year old dad has lived with me for 2 years, and we've had our moments. Luckily, he gets around with a walker and goes online, reads voraciously and writes, so I can escape for a few hours at a time. He's definitely got all of his marbles, but it's the constant sense of responsibility I think that wears caretakers down. My brother and I haven't seen eye-to-eye for years, but I'm in CA and he's in MA, so that helps. He checks in periodically, but we all realize Pop is best off with me. My goal is to let him live out whatever remaining days he has and to not feel guilty about anything.
And to remember there are no perfect families.
