Schoolhouse Rock for the 113th Congress

[jmowreader]

Back in the old days when we had only three channels on TV, not counting PBS, and Saturday morning cartoons were less educational than they are now (unless you count the weekly lesson on why not to shop at Acme), ABC slipped in a bit of book-learnin' with its "Schoolhouse Rock" segments.

One of their better ones was the "I'm Just A Bill" short that President Obama referred to yesterday. It is unfortunately a bit out of date, so let's fix it for the current Congress...

Boy: Woof! You sure got to climb a lot of steps to get to this Capitol Building here in Washington. But I wonder who that sad little scrap of paper is?

Bill: I'm just a bill
Yes, I'm only a bill
And I'm sitting here on Capitol Hill
Well, it's a long, long journey
To the capital city
It's a long, long wait
While I'm sitting in committee
But I know I'll be a law someday
At least I hope and pray that I will
But today I am still just a bill

Boy: Gee, Bill, you certainly have a lot of patience and courage

Bill: Well I got this far. When I started, I wasn't even a bill, I was just an idea. Some folks back home decided they wanted a law passed, so they called their local Congressman and he said, "No, we just need to enforce the laws we already have." So they called their friends in another congressional district who had enough sense to not elect a teabagger, and they called their local Congresssman, and he said, "you're right, that ought to be a law." Then he sat down and wrote me out and introduced me to Congress. And I became a bill, and I'll remain a bill until they decide to make me a law.

I'm just a bill
Yes, I'm only a bill,
And I got as far as Capitol Hill
Well, now I'm stuck in committee
And I'll sit here and wait
While a few key Congressmen discuss and debate
Whether they have enough time between their attempts to repeal Obamacare to let me be a law
How I hope and pray that they will
But today I am still just a bill

Boy: Listen to those congressmen arguing! Is all that discussion and debate about you?

Bill: No, they're discussing and debating whether to order pizza for lunch today. But they'll discuss me next. I might get five minutes of consideration. Most bills never even get this far. I hope they decide to report on me favorably, otherwise I may die.

Boy: Die?

Bill: Yeah, die in committee. And then I go to another committee.

Boy: What do they do there?

Bill: They decide whether to amend me to a tax cut, a post-office rename, or an Obamacare repeal bill.

Boy: What's 'amend' mean?

Bill: "Amend" is a fancy word that means "add." Nothing gets out of this session of the House of Representatives unless it contains a tax cut, a bill to rename a post office, or an attempt to repeal the president's healthcare reform law. So if I want to be a law, I have to be amended to one of those three things.

Boy: And what's "repeal" mean?

Bill: That means "to get rid of."

Boy: Why do they want to repeal Obamacare?

Bill: Why is the sky blue? Why do dogs bark? There are things that just are, and one of them is that the Republicans try to repeal Obamacare every Tuesday.

Boy: What happens if they name all the post offices?

Bill: Then we're screwed, but don't worry: there are enough post offices out there that the teabaggers can't rename them all before the voters come to their senses and vote them out of office.

Boy: And if they find one of those bills to amend you to, then what happens?

Bill: Then the bill I'm amended to gets sent to the full House, and they vote on me. I hope they vote yes.

Boy: What if they can't find one of those bills to amend you to?

Bill: Then they'll write one. It doesn't take very long.

Boy: If they amend you to another bill and vote yes, what happens?

Bill: Then I go to the Senate and the whole thing starts all over again with the Senate removing the tax cut or the Obamacare repeal language from the bill.

Boy: How about the post office name?

Bill: Oh, they'll leave those alone. And then the Senate does all the same things to me that were done in the House.

Boy: Oh no!

Bill: Oh yes!

Boy: Can a bill that the Senate changed become a law?

Bill: No. The same bill has to pass both the House and the Senate, so I become a Reconciliation Bill.

Boy: That's an awfully big name.

Bill: And it's an awful process, but after I become a Reconciliation Bill I have to go back to the House.

Boy: To be voted on again?

Bill: Yup. But they can change it too. And if that happens I have to go back to the Senate, who can change it again and again...

Boy: It doesn't sound like there's much chance of you becoming a law if you go into reconciliation.

Bill: No. But sometimes the lucky Bills pass through reconciliation, and then...

I'm a reconciliation bill
Yes, I'm only a reconciliation bill
And my lack of Obamacare repeal just gives me a thrill
But if they vote for me on Capitol Hill
Well, then I'm off to the White House
Where I'll wait in a line
With a lot of other bills
For the president to sign
And if he signs me, then I'll be a law
How I hope and pray that he will
But today I am still just a bill

Boy: You mean even if the whole Congress says you should be a law, the president can still say no?

Bill: Yes, that's called a veto. If the President vetoes me, I have to go back to Congress and they vote on me again, and by that time you're so old . . .

Boy: By that time it's very unlikely that you'll become a law. It's not easy to become a law, is it?

Bill: No!

But how I hope and I pray that I will
But today I am still just a bill

Congressman: He signed you, Bill! Now you're a law!

Bill: Oh yes!

[shenmue]

1. Woohoo!

Nail on the head.

[demwing]

2. To compare to the original...here you go!