John Cleese: ‘Syria and Alert to threats in Europe’

[byronius]

By John Cleese

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

A final thought – ” Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC”.

[NYC_SKP]

1. Very funny.

I'd love to hear what he's say about American threat levels.

[tk2kewl]

3. yeah... why so shy, John?

[dickthegrouch]

6. He might want to come back

For another performance or two without being subjected to "retaliatory" 9 hour interviews.

Although I'd love to be a fly on the wall during one of said interviews if goes anything like "The parrot" or "Spanish Inquisition"

[treestar]

27. His wife is American

per wiki, he has been married 3 times, all 3 times to an American.

[riqster]

2. Not related to Syria.

And not from Mr. Cleese:http://message.snopes.com/showthread.php?t=70255

Still funny, though.

[DirkGently]

21. I thought that wasn't him. Bad on "21st Century Wire."

[riqster]

29. I liked the two-stage Scot setup.

Being half-Scot, it does fit with that side of the family.

[freshwest]

24. Loved the 'letter of revocation' attributed to him in 2000, too. n/t

[treestar]

31. The story of how it got attributed to John Cleese is

interesting - a slice of human nature.

[riqster]

33. Indeed.

Still funny,

[sufrommich]

4. Hilarious. nt

[MisterP]

7. hold on--that's Hafez Assad!

[progressoid]

8. This is 8 or 10 years old. And not from John Cleese.

[Fantastic Anarchist]

9. Hilarious. Didn't he do this for the Iraq war, too?

I seem to recall something.

[Puzzledtraveller]

10. YES!!

[Wolf Frankula]

11. The Highest American Threat Level is Invade the Wrong Country.

Good thing Austria isn't a problem, or we'd invade Australia.

Wolf

[Enthusiast]

15. No, New Zealand.

They are smaller and less capable of defending themselves.

[HappyMe]

12. That's funny.

[Laelth]

13. That's bloody hilarious. n/t

-Laelth


Edit:Laelth--spelling.

[Enthusiast]

14. That is some funny shit!

I believe we ought to replace the current government with a government comprised entirely of comedians. Things would be way better. And if they weren't more effective, at least we would get a laugh out of it.

[JDPriestly]

16. +10000

You should post that as an OP.

I'd vote for your proposal.

[randome]

18. As long as the government head promised to deploy a Ministry of Silly Walks!

[hr][font color="blue"][center]You should never stop having childhood dreams.[/center][/font][hr]

[Enthusiast]

19. Of course, we would need some silly walks.....nt

[99th_Monkey]

17. Hats off to Mr. Cleese

I haven't laughed this hard in weeks.

[another_liberal]

20. I had no idea . . .

What a remarkable insight. I had no idea the United States was so overwhelmingly controlled by Scots.

[Iggo]

22. Oh gawd, that's some funny shit!

[bvar22]

23. LOL... Brilliant Man.

"The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years."


I had to re-post the portrait that accompanied the article:

[leftyladyfrommo]

25. I was crying.

He is just so funny.

[edhopper]

26. The Americans have gone from

"I can't believe what Miley Cyrus did!" to "The better not pre-empt Dancing with the Stars" for this.

[spin]

28. While not politically correct it was funny and largely accurate. (n/t)

[CBGLuthier]

30. Obviously written by an american

I like to think educated people, you know, the REST of the world, do not make fun of France for surrendering.

[red dog 1]

32. Thanks byronius for posting this.

With all the depressing crap that's going on these days, we need all the laughs we can get.

IMO, John Cleese may be the funniest man alive.

I have the complete collection of "Fawlty Towers" (All 12 episodes)

(Is it just me, or does British Prime Minister David Cameron sound exactly like John Cleese?)

[AsahinaKimi]

34. Love John Cleese

I met him once in Santa Barbara. Super nice guy!

[REP]

35. Cleese would never rely on such tired old clichés. This is not his writing.