21 awesome features missing from the new iPhone. Mark Morford
The new iPhones with iOS7 are packed, nay packed with amazing new features, colors, camera abilities, software doodads, and more. They’re nothing short of miraculous hunks of modern tech gloriousness. But they’re also, shockingly, missing a few key features we’d really like to see in future models. Such as:
Snicker Muffler. For every hipster under 40 who struggles to stifle a disbelieving chuckle when they see their Midwestern elders scooping heaps of freeze-dried, lint-colored misery from giant, Costco-sized tins of Maxwell House into pale mugs of watery sadness, and you’re all, like, “Really? You call that coffee? I pay six dollars for a single, hand-poured cup of Lost Guatemalan Ultra Orangutan Intestine Blend from Blue Bottle! [Snicker].”
Oyster Shucker. For those times you drink one too many Bloody Marys out at the coastal seafood joint you found using the iPhone’s Yelp app and GPS functionality, and as you watch the burly fisherman dude in the bloody overalls shuck oysters by hand like a boss, you actually hear yourself say, “I think I’ll just buy a giant bag of raw oysters right now, take them home and impress my boyfriend with my shucking skills using my new iPhone 5S.”
Syrian Attack Upside-the-Head Slapper. Specially designed for otherwise savvy, 2nd-term Democratic presidents who aren’t nearly as fantastic, progressive and badass as most of us hoped, but who should nevertheless know better by now than to rattle the sabres of bullsh-t war in a faint but still far-too-painful reminder of the obnoxious hawkishness of his milquetoast predecessor who ruined pretty much everything for a solid decade.
The rest: http://blog.sfgate.com/morford/2013/09/10/21-awesome-features-missing-from-the-new-iphone/
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