Dawkins Says "Mild pedophilia doesn't do lasting harm," well here's my account:

[Fantastic Anarchist]

Reference this thread:

Richard Dawkins Stirs Controversy for 'Mild Pedophilia' Remarks

And my account from the above link:

When I was around 4 or 5, I had a babysitter (female) that would would get completely naked and show me "everything." I remember at the time thinking that I liked it (I was aroused). I also remember thinking that there's something "wrong" about this, though I never told anyone.

Well, it just so happens that I have been hyper-sexual ever since I was about 13 or 14. My main motivation in life was to have sex. I've always had girlfriends or "one-night-stands" and basically everything else in my life (school, work, etc.) took a backseat to having sex.

Now, I'm engaged - as soon as I made my commitment to someone who I really truly love - I mean she is my life, I thought I would never meet someone like her, I'm having trouble wanting to have sex with her. It's truly a nightmare. I'm what you would call a "tough guy" ... don't show my emotions and all that. But I'm hurting now. I don't want to lose this girl. Before, I would lose girlfriends because of sex (cheating). Now, I'm afraid I'm going to lose the girl of my life because of sex (not wanting to have sex with her).

Anyway, yeah, I decided to let it all out there for DU to see. It's really painful, especially for a guy. My fiancee tells me she's understanding, but I'm fear I'm going to lose her. It all started when I put the ring on her finger.

I don't know what to do. I want to have sex with my fiancee. I want her to feel pleasure. Everything else in our life is wonderful. We are the best of friends.

I saw a doctor about this, and she said that it's because I have not been able to associate sex with love since I was hyper-sexual - I didn't love the many people I had sex with - and now that I really love someone, I can't reconcile that.

Sorry for the spilling of information. Reading what Dawkins said, and that he thinks it doesn't do damage, well, it did in my case.

This is the first time I've told people outside my inner circle of friends, my fiancee and my doctor.

[Blue_Tires]

1. Brave post...

I won't get into details, but I will say I had an experience very similar to yours as a little child...

[Fantastic Anarchist]

4. You don't have to say, but do you have any trouble with relationships ...

... or anything as a result from that experience?

I understand if you don't want to answer.

[Blue_Tires]

10. Yes, I have trouble with relationships

how much of that is directly related to what happened to me as a child? Impossible to say, so I won't even guess...

[Fantastic Anarchist]

14. I'm sorry that that happened to you.

I hope you can work it out.

[seabeyond]

2. that is a tough one. and i hope beyond hope you are able

to figure it out and work it out. i have been talking to a man that has experienced the same thing. only married for more than a couple decades and i am afraid, the choices he made to make the marriage work do not sound very fulfilling.

good luck to you two.

[Fantastic Anarchist]

6. Can you explain?

Did he just go through the motions?

[seabeyond]

15. no.

he didnt work on finding a solution, either. well, he says he did for a tad, i do not know how much of an effort or what exactly the issue would be to work toward. so i am not in a place to judge or give advice. he doesnt want to cheat on wife. they have been sexless and he obsesses with porn and jacking off. otherwise they are perfectly content in their marriage and raising their kids. he doesnt know what wife does to take care of her needs and does not seem to put a lot of interest or curiosity in knowing. none of it sounds good to me. and i really didnt want to share this with you.

i really hope and would think there are answers. creative, wonderful answers.

no one should have to have such a limited choice.

[Fantastic Anarchist]

32. Thank you for sharing ...

... I didn't mean to put you in that position.

I also don't want to end up like that guy. Wow, I can't imagine that.

I have thought about having sex with other girls, though. But I don't want to do that. I want to have sex with the girl I love.

[maddezmom]

3. Courageous post

I am gobsmacked by the Dawkins interview.

[Fantastic Anarchist]

12. Thank you, maddezmom.

Yeah, it's pretty crazy. All through my life, I've had that student/teacher fantasy ... but realize what Dawkins says has real life implications.

[DonCoquixote]

5. thank you

This, my friends, is a REAL man.

[Fantastic Anarchist]

8. Well, I wouldn't say that much ...

Intellectually, I understand that this is beyond my control. On a more primitive level, I feel totally inadequate, especially after the sex life I've had. It's a complete 180, and now with someone who I'm supposed to have that kind of relationship with, I can't.

Never thought it would happen to me.

[DonCoquixote]

16. dude

the inability of America to deal with anything that might be labeled as a mental issue is the reason why the mentally ill can buy an ak-47, but cannot afford their meds on insurance. Take the compliment

[Fantastic Anarchist]

18. Point and compliment taken.

Thank you.

[joeybee12]

7. thanks...knr...and good luck.

[Fantastic Anarchist]

17. Thank you, joeybee12.

Much appreciated.

[liberal_at_heart]

9. I'm so sorry Fantastic Anarchist. Are you still seeing a therapist? I'm sure your fiance will

still be there for you. We're a patient and loving gender. Well most of us anyway. My husband went through a really dark time for a few years. It was really rough. I won't lie. It strained our marriage. But the thought of leaving never crossed my mind. He got help, got better, and our marriage is just as strong as it has ever been. Be patient with yourself, get help and don't be afraid to feel whatever you are feeling and acknowledge what you are feeling and why you are feeling it. It is the only way to get passed it.

[Fantastic Anarchist]

21. Thank you, liberal_at_heart ...

Yes, she's totally understanding and loving. I have trouble talking about it (sex). It's the big elephant in the room. Night in, night out, we lay in bed, both with our laptops and watching TV.

I've gone through the scenario millions of times of how to just start having sex with her and "get over the hump." I mean, when we first met, and up until the engagement, we were very sexual.

Now, I'm just at a loss.

I'm still seeing my doctor, but she recommended to see a sex therapist. I just "haven't gotten around" to it yet.

[liberal_at_heart]

33. yeah during my husband's dark time he was having depression and anger issues. Sometimes

the anger issues created a lot of distance between the two of us and a lot of hurt feelings. It was hard to get that intimacy back for us as well. There were times when my feelings were hurt but I wanted to reach out to him. But it's hard to reach out when you're hurting. There were times in the beginning when I would just have to very tentatively and uncomfortably reach out to him, allow myself to be vulnerable, and make love to him. It was not easy in the beginning. What's wonderful is when you do finally reach out, that vulnerability that you're afraid of will actually facilitate closeness and intimacy.

[Fantastic Anarchist]

34. Wow.

I'm so glad you said that. I'm glad that worked out for you, too.

Like I said, I'm not one of those that shows emotions very much, but I got to say, there's something itchy in the corner of my eye just thinking about her.

I'm a very laid-back, sarcastic kind of guy. I don't raise my voice or yell or any of that nonsense. But, I have found myself getting irritated very easily recently. Things that I would normally brush off just annoy me now. She doesn't deserve that.

[TheDeputy]

11. You, Sir, are truly awesome.

It may sound crude, but that was a ballsy post. Thank you.

[Fantastic Anarchist]

22. I'm a crude guy. Thank you for the compliment.

[bunnies]

13. ....

True love will never leave you over problems re: sex. There are so many ways to be intimate... and Im sure she knows you love her. You'll work through this. Together. And you will be stronger for it.

Im so sorry youre going through this. I wish there was something I could do.

[Fantastic Anarchist]

24. Thank you, bunnies.

I didn't know how people would take my OP, but so far everyone has been pretty fucking cool.

It doesn't leave me with being so "weird."

[bunnies]

29. Youre not weird at all.

I think many of us have been in relationships where one or the other has had intimacy issues of some sort. Myself included. We women go through the same kind of things, too. I know how you feel, FA. Try not to get so down on yourself. Easier said than done, I know. But the mind has a way of (sometimes) making things worse.

[Fantastic Anarchist]

31. My mind is my enemy sometimes.

Thank you for your understanding.

[ljm2002]

19. Yes Dawkins' remarks are beyond idiotic...

...even IF he's right that it did not affect him that much... and he could be wrong about that too. Not that I know anything about his personal life and relationships. But many of us have experienced "mild pedophilia" (in my case, it was a relative), and many of us believed it did not harm us. I always forgave the person for reasons that I choose not to go into here. It was only when I was in therapy in my 40s that I realized there was real harm to me. I remember telling the therapist: gee, I always forgave him and thought that was the end of it... but I also need to realize and deal with the effects on ME, not just worry about whether I can forgive it.

Anyway, good for you for your post, and best of luck in your efforts to create a lasting, loving relationship. I'm sure you are continuing to get counseling, right? If not, I would suggest going for it. This relationship is so important for you, it is worth fighting for.

[Fantastic Anarchist]

26. Yes, I am still seeing a doctor ...

... but she recommended to see a sexual therapist. Haven't gotten around that yet. It's like the elephant in the room.

Thing is, I never thought I did anything wrong at the time, and like I said, I was aroused. Throughout my life, and up until I met my fiancee, I was having sex with everything that moved. It never occurred to me that I was damaged - because I didn't find or have something that would let it rear its ugly head. Now, it's the main thing in my life! Oh, the ironies! Before, all I could think about was sex. Now, all I can think about is not being able to have sex with the one I love!

[ismnotwasm]

20. Yeah that was an asshole thing to say on Dawkins part

As someone who is trying to 'change standards' he should know this.

I have never been a fan.

I'm sorry about your experience, I know it's hard to make it through, but with love and patience I hope you have a wonderful and fulfilling relationship

My husband and I, each with our own sexual demons managed to overcome them and we're still going strong with over 20 years together

[Fantastic Anarchist]

27. Thank you!

I'm glad you were able to work it out. That gives me some hope.

[tridim]

23. You could please your fiancee without having intercourse.

It's entirely possible.

Maybe with time it will help you with your sex/love issues?

[Fantastic Anarchist]

28. It's sex ... just not intercourse.

She calls it the Madonna/Whore complex I'm having an issue with.

[TuxedoKat]

25. Brave post indeed

I think some therapy would help you with this. Sounds like your life is in a great place right now except for this. Being honest with yourself and understanding the problem is a good step towards healing though. Good luck, prayers and (((HUGS))).

[Fantastic Anarchist]

30. Thank you, TuxedoKat.

Yes, I've had issues with drinking and sex.

Now, I have a great job, financially good, great girl ... and no sex.

So, if I can find out a way to fix that last issue, I'm golden.

Thanks for your support.

[riderinthestorm]

36. Sounds like you are on the track to getting answers and solving this

Dawkins is an ass for saying this.

You however, are a brave soul for sharing your story. Your fiancee is lucky to have you and sounds like with her help, you will be able to find your way to intimacy.

[Fantastic Anarchist]

37. Thank you, riderinthestorm.

It may sound like a cliche, but I take things at face value, and your words meant a lot.

[Spitfire of ATJ]

38. I think a lot of it is also about friendship....

Most of my friends are women.

I've found guys who have all guys for friends have a hard time even TALKING to a woman without wanting to cream her twinkie.

[beerandjesus]

39. Interesting timing. I just finished his book a few days ago...

....and the 'mild pedophilia' bit made me cringe.

I'm glad he didn't feel like it harmed him. But I'm going to abstract exactly jack shit from that.

[Taverner]

40. I love Dawkins, but here he's a victim of bad logic

The whole "I have only seen white ducks, therefore all ducks are white" fallacy

[littlewolf]

41. I wish you well in working this out. I have always believed

in the difference between making love, and having sex.
having sex is easy, making love is much more difficult,
because of the commitment level required.
I wish you both well.

[gopiscrap]

42. What an asswipe

[DissidentVoice]

43. Is he out of his mind?

Fantastic Anarchist, as a childhood survivor of sexual abuse, I applaud your bravery in putting this out there. We must not be ashamed of things that happened to us that were not our fault!

Richard Dawkins' views are his own, of course, but I have to ask if he has lost his bloody mind on this?

It is never, EVER a good thing to hurt a child, physically, emotionally or sexually!!!

There is NO SUCH THING as "mild paedophilia," Mr. Dawkins.

I hope one day to meet Mr. Dawkins so I can tell him in person exactly how I feel about him.