I am South African, and I am ashamed
Full disclosure: I am American born, and I now live in the US. I lived in South Africa between the years of 1985 and 1994. I voted in the first election. I am a white person.
I lived as any South African white person would have lived during that time. I was not especially political. My reasons for moving to South Africa were personal, not political. In my unformed political consciousness, I had a vague understanding of how morally corrupt I was. In the spirit of cognitive dissonance, I snuffed it out. I was selfish and stupid.
I was thrilled when Mr. Mandela was released from prison. I knew his incarceration was wrong, although I could not have articulated why at the time. It was one of South Africa's finest hours. They'd had so few.
I was eligible to vote in the 1994 elections, by virtue of my marriage to a South African man. I did not vote for Mr. Mandela.
Of this I am ashamed.
I thought I was embarked on some kind of moral high road...because the ANC at that time had not officially renounced its armed struggle. I felt that I could not support a party that still called to arms. I supported a little-known and powerless liberal faction of progressive whites. It soothed my unenlightened conscience.
In hindsight, I realize how wrong I was.
I hope DUers can come to understand the political evolution of even the stupidest among us: it can happen. Among the great, like Mr. Mandela, it's organic. The armed struggle may have been part of the ANC's larger political agenda, but it was never close to a defining characteristic for the man. I failed to see that. I see it now. I see what I missed 20 years ago: a man of peace, of hope.
And I am sorry. I have learned. Hopefully, I have learned well. I've sure learned a lot from my DU friends.
I have to live with my vote, but in hindsight, I'm glad I threw it away. The best man won. Farewell, sir.
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I think, if Mr. Mandela were aware of your vote, that he would not mind. He would be glad that you have evolved and that you now understand the course of history.
He is at peace.
I hope you will be as well...
painful. It is not easy by any means.
Thank you for sharing this, lapislzi.
Mr. Mandela would have no issue with you. 
I still miss the place and would return if it were feasible. I visit as often as I can afford it. There is so much goodwill and opportunity for good people. I have actually encouraged my daughter (South African born, now 20 years old) to return on a student visa. She loves it and may settle in Cape Town.
up, lapiszi. I think it's so beautifully poignant when someone can recall how wrong they were and have learned so much since then. 
What a close up evolutionary process you've had in such an important part of our wolrd history.. As we say in Hawai'i "No Shame" and after all, as you say, "The best man won"
In one way or another we all have been in your (wrong) shoes.
Of course Mandela would forgive. This is why it's VITAL for the media here to reform.
It's what causes good people to support evil leadership employing well-funded propaganda.
Glad you woke up and are so aware now.
Thank you for taking the time to respond, and for responding as you did. Yes, I too knew that Mr. Mandela would become president, and I did vote DP. Many of my white friends (older than we) were terrified by what this might mean and retreated into NP votes where they would not have done otherwise. I was sorry to see that happen.
What actually came to pass was far more wonderful and terrifying than any of us could have imagined. Although I watched it from afar, having repatriated to the US soon after the election, it excited me and gave me hope that SA might be a place my daughter would want to live when she grew up. And so it is. My 20-year-old is reviewing her options for continuing education and career, and UCT is on the short list.
As a foreigner entering SA society during apartheid, I shocked myself by absorbing the trappings of privilege almost reflexively. It was dangerous. I could so easily have become submerged in the casual racism that's still practiced. I'm glad my embryonic conscience developed as it did, although I wish it had happened sooner.
Message me if you want to reminisce about olden times.
And I was just as active protesting Apartheid in the 80s, when Reagan and his ilk didn't wanna give up the lucrative between our countries. Gold and Diamonds speak volumes, after all!
But please don't beat yourself up. White people created Apartheid, but White South Africans also helped work to end it. There were always folks who understood how immoral and heinous it was, and it took all South Africans to rise against it.
I knew nothing about politics, I just knew it would the first time I voted. I could have voted in 1980 but didnt.
All I knew at the time was I didnt like Mondale and especially Ferraro. By 1988, I thought, hey what is the difference between a democrat and a republican. I never voted Republican again and never will. Dont be so hard on yourself.
Thank you for sharing.
