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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsI was raped this week, ask me anything
Because DU has lots of stupid ideological discussions about this, and I've spent the week contemplating everything about what happenend, I thought maybe my personal input would be useful, free of agenda.
I'm a gay male, early 30s, pretty aware of things.
I can't promise instant reply, but I will be as honest as I can be. This might be, given the power of it, the last thing I post on DU, but I think it's worthy discussion.
JaneyVee
(19,877 posts)Did you know the person?
MADem
(135,425 posts)I'm a stoic sort. I've just been dealing with it in my noggin. Thank you, you and Janey for asking.
MADem
(135,425 posts)There's post-traumatic stress that accompanies trauma, and it often doesn't show up for weeks, months, even years.
You know yourself better than anyone else, of course.
I would encourage you, if you've a mind to, to seek out some help from a crisis center even if you don't think you need it--tell them one of your noodgy pals urged you to do it and you're there just to satisfy them. At least you'll have a path hacked in the event you do want to avail yourself of services in future.
Be well.
Prism
(5,815 posts)I have a tugging feeling this will be more problematic over time than in the immediate aftermath. Right now, I'm just staring at it like it's a car crash.
But already, the more I dwell on it, the angrier I get.
Response to Prism (Reply #66)
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MADem
(135,425 posts)Worst case, it doesn't help at all and eats up a bit of your time.
Best case, you might get some advice, insight and coping methodologies to get past this.
As I grow older, I find that sometimes it's not a bad idea to accept a little help.
I'm just hoping you'll be OK.
Chan790
(20,176 posts)you can call 1.800.656.HOPE The hotline is available 24/7/365.
That's the National Sexual Assault Hotline number for RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network). The call is free, confidential and anonymous, they won't contact Law Enforcement if you don't want them to but they can make sure you receive any help you need and will connect you with a local-to-you1 center providing counseling services by phone or in-person. They can also refer you to any local resources you might need as a survivor, such as STD testing or medical services. They will also accompany survivors to the hospital or police, upon request, if you later decide to do so.2
1: They work off area codes and the exchange (the first three digits after the area code) of your phone number...the extension (the last four digits) is not registered or recorded by their system. It is truly anonymous while connecting to local services.
2: The website for the Hotline is http://www.rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-hotline and provides much more information as well as a FAQ.
MADem
(135,425 posts)pnwmom
(108,980 posts)I've written this down and will keep it close as I process everything.
Thank you very, very much.
adirondacker
(2,921 posts)weight in gold. As much as we can differ in our political viewpoints and strategies, they are intelligent, sincere, caring and empathetic individuals that I respect. I'm sorry I can't offer any other advice than what has been given, but my thoughts and sympathy are yours. I hope you pull through all of this in the shortest time possible.
Take Care.
RainDog
(28,784 posts)Le Taz Hot
(22,271 posts)I did the same thing, thinking I wasn't going to continue to let this person victimize me. I'm tough, I can handle it. Bullshit! For the entire year after I was raped it manifested itself in my stomach. Couldn't keep anything down except, if you can believe it, Taco Bell bean and cheese burrito. That was it. At the end of a year I was down to 86 lbs. Counseling was available to me and I didn't take it. I should have. DO NOT go through this alone. DO NOT! You don't have to.
pnwmom
(108,980 posts)Here in King County, there is a Sexual Assault Center with a 24 hour hotline. Victims or their friends can call it in complete confidence. No one will push you to file charges. They just will talk to anyone who needs to talk, and refer people who want it to further help.
A trauma counselor could help you decide whether this "nice" guy who raped you should be charged after all; and help you decide whether your case would be strong enough to make it winnable.
Also, it's possible to file charges and then back off on pursuing them. But if he ever attacked anyone else, there would be a public record.
I think most larger cities would have a center like this. If you PM me with your city, I could find one for you, if it would help.
Prism
(5,815 posts)Of the resources posted here, for which I'm very grateful to everyone.
I don't want to press charges. Given every thing, it's just not a situation I personally want to land someone over prison about. But I am mustering my mental reserves to have it out with him personally at least.
The funny thing is, knowing him, when I confront him, I think he'd be mortified. Odd as that sounds.
pnwmom
(108,980 posts)of counseling, if it turns out to be harder to get over this than you think.
All my best -- hang in there.
Arcanetrance
(2,670 posts)And I kept it inside for alot of years I didn't tell anyone until I was 16 which was 8 years after I happens and I didn't really start looking for someone to talk to until I was 21 . Rape Fucks with you mentally and emotionally. Trust me at least talk to a counselor.
DonRedwood
(4,359 posts)but it can sit in that jar and rot for decades.
A little bit of counseling will help give you some tools to actually process things and move on in a positive way of healing. I don't mean to tell you what to do, but I know from experience. A little help now will keep this from lurking in the back of your mind, putting negative energy in all you do.
My best to you. I hope you are ok. A big bearhug from me.
Blue_In_AK
(46,436 posts)Be easy on yourself.
Rochester
(838 posts)Prism
(5,815 posts)Not will I.
BanzaiBonnie
(3,621 posts)I'm sorry it happens to anyone.
Please take care. Get help if you need it.
Response to Prism (Original post)
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Prism
(5,815 posts)I do not want their life wrecked, so no, I haven't and won't.
Response to Prism (Reply #9)
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The point of this thread is to pick apart my thought process so others may know or learn how to approach the subject.
I do not expect my reaction is typical or acceptable. It's not meant to be. It's just information to make people think or understand.
Response to Prism (Reply #15)
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rug
(82,333 posts)A human response to a person who's been sexually assaulted is not implying complicity in future rapes.
joshcryer
(62,276 posts)Do not judge the poster for their current motivations and conflictions.
sibelian
(7,804 posts)Do not instruct Prism in his actions.
"If he did it to you he will rape again or has done it before. " - you have made this up.
Behind the Aegis
(53,959 posts)THANK YOU!
It is nothing more than a different version of blaming the victim.
idwiyo
(5,113 posts)Really incredibly disgusting.
You should apologise but I doubt you will.
Prism, please accept my apology on behalf of this person.
Response to idwiyo (Reply #148)
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idwiyo
(5,113 posts)I care about you. If there is something I can do to help, please don't hesitate to let me know.
rug
(82,333 posts)You stand there by your post pointing fingers and issuing declarations about some one and some incident you know nothing about. I can only imagine your views about the Holocaust.
Capt. Obvious
(9,002 posts)At Sat Dec 7, 2013, 10:19 AM an alert was sent on the following post:
I stand by my post
http://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=view_post&forum=1002&pid=4145870
REASON FOR ALERT:
This post is disruptive, hurtful, rude, insensitive, over-the-top, or otherwise inappropriate.
ALERTER'S COMMENTS:
This repeated victim blaming in the subthread, to a person who has just revealed he was sexually assaulted is not simply over the top. It's revolting.
You served on a randomly-selected Jury of DU members which reviewed this post. The review was completed at Sat Dec 7, 2013, 10:27 AM, and the Jury voted 2-4 to LEAVE IT.
Juror #1 voted to HIDE IT and said: Fuck your couch!
Juror #2 voted to LEAVE IT ALONE and said: No explanation given
Juror #3 voted to LEAVE IT ALONE and said: It's not "victim blaming" to point out that if you don't report a rape, the rapist will rape again.
Juror #4 voted to HIDE IT and said: No explanation given
Juror #5 voted to LEAVE IT ALONE and said: No explanation given
Juror #6 voted to LEAVE IT ALONE and said: No explanation given
Thank you very much for participating in our Jury system, and we hope you will be able to participate again in the future.
idwiyo
(5,113 posts)No fucking wonder so many victims of rape will not speak about their experience. I hope those 4 are really proud of themselves.
L0oniX
(31,493 posts)This would not have happened with the Mod system IMO.
sibelian
(7,804 posts)Listen to them.
peacebird
(14,195 posts)"Responsible" if this person rapes again totally reprehensible. It is the RAPIST who bears the guilt. Period.
Sadly the legal system in this country far too frquently blames the victim of rape as somehow complicite, and in the process legally assaults them all over again.
idwiyo
(5,113 posts)me b zola
(19,053 posts)Not everyone deals with trauma in the same manner. Who are you to tell someone how they should or should not deal with it?
Jesus, just let me pull my hair out and be done with it. I was told by someone on this board that because I didn't fixate on my rapists that they (she) didn't believe that I was raped at all.
You have no idea why the poster does not wish to report it, so please stfu! My rapist was a serial rapist but I am not sure, knowing what I know now, that I would press charges again~he was found guilty and sentenced to 14 years. As terrifying and degrading as the rape was, the way that I was treated by the hospital and the police following my rape was just as, if not more, traumatic as the rape itself. I was treated like filth by both medical personnel and the police. They all believed that I was "asking for it" because I was young and attractive.
manwithoutaface
(1 post)"I was treated like filth by both medical personnel and the police. They all believed that I was "asking for it" because I was young and attractive"
Im lost for words.....that is so sad.
idwiyo
(5,113 posts)If I could get my hands on those inhuman arseholes who made you feel like that I would be spending time in prison.
Le Taz Hot
(22,271 posts)At first I wasn't going to report it either. Friends talked me into calling the police, which I did. UNFORTUANATELY, he ended up getting 1 year in rehab, got out and did exactly the same thing to another woman but this time he beat her, literally, nearly to death. She was in a coma, he broke her jaw and several ribs and I don't know what else. If you don't report it, he will do it again and again. PLEASE, think about reporting this. Btw, this was also an acquaintance of mine -- knew him, his wife and kids for 6 years. He NEVER showed signs of any kind of aggression right up until he put a razorblade to my throat and ordered me to disrobe. Please, think seriously about reporting this.
Skittles
(153,169 posts)how about the potential lives he is now free to wreck?
Behind the Aegis
(53,959 posts)Skittles
(153,169 posts)I'm addressing that (part of ASK ME ANYTHING)
Behind the Aegis
(53,959 posts)"how about the potential lives he is now free to wreck?"
Is it his fault he was raped because he was drunk?
idwiyo
(5,113 posts)You should delete and apologise but I doubt you will.
Response to Prism (Reply #9)
polichick This message was self-deleted by its author.
Mariana
(14,858 posts)I hope you do.
Prism
(5,815 posts)I know it wasn't anything I did.
Response to Prism (Original post)
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Bonobo
(29,257 posts)Or do you think that maybe they watched (if they did) rape porn because they were already predisposed to rape?
Response to Bonobo (Reply #14)
NYC_SKP This message was self-deleted by its author.
He thought I was willing while blacked out. I know him and his sexual predilections. I don't think rape porn was even a figment in his mind.
Blue_In_AK
(46,436 posts)I didn't know until the next morning. I didn't report either because we didn't report date rapes in 1965.
Prism
(5,815 posts)All I remember was the snatches of time where I experienced physical pain. The leading up to and denounent I don't.
Blue_In_AK
(46,436 posts)I don't know what I can say other than take care of yourself and please don't feel like you have to leave here. I've enjoyed your posts.
Prism
(5,815 posts)I appreciate it =)
PassingFair
(22,434 posts)Does your partner know this happened?
Whisp
(24,096 posts)you would drag that here.
I know what you are doing.
jesus.
Bonobo
(29,257 posts)Sorry the answer does not conform with your expectations.
nomorenomore08
(13,324 posts)LanternWaste
(37,748 posts)An agenda wrapped in the veneer of a "fair question" might be more accurate, regardless o fboth the answer, and how the agenda may be rationalized otherwise.
Luminous Animal
(27,310 posts)Bonobo
(29,257 posts)Sorry if it doesn't fit your narrative.
And Prism didn't have a problem with it apparently.
bettyellen
(47,209 posts)painesghost
(91 posts)Was this in response to some other discussion?
sibelian
(7,804 posts)being actual rape that's just being filmed and what to do about it. It isn't really related to Prism's experience at all, as far as I can see. Bonobo presumably supposed that Prism posted this thread as part of that process.
painesghost
(91 posts)joshcryer
(62,276 posts)Almost as bad as the "beaner" moment.
myrna minx
(22,772 posts)TDale313
(7,820 posts)Coming to a thread about another poster's sexual assault to try and score a cheap pro-rape-porn point? Stay klassy.
uppityperson
(115,677 posts)MineralMan
(146,317 posts)I consider your post a cheap shot at someone other than the OP.
A-Schwarzenegger
(15,596 posts)JI7
(89,252 posts)or you again ?
This was am acquaintance, I was black out drunk, he's generally a nice guy. Do I want to ruin his life and go to the police?
(And that is why I started this thread. These are my actual thoughts)
JI7
(89,252 posts)to view reporting him as you ruining his life.
are you going to get counseling ?
Prism
(5,815 posts)I'm inclined to forget and move on. Not that that is right. Simply, that is where my head is at.
loli phabay
(5,580 posts)Have no regrets then i guess i got to support you in what you decide. Good luck.
Prism
(5,815 posts)Just that I wanted to give some real time data, I guess, to a topic of ideological certitude.
loli phabay
(5,580 posts)The right decision. At this point it all comes down to what you decide regardless of what anyone tells you. You have to be able to look back and feel you did what was right for you whether thats move on or involve law enforcement.
That's where I am right now.
loli phabay
(5,580 posts)I wish you well.
BainsBane
(53,035 posts)It likely will not be so easy. Worry about your own life, not his. He is a sexual predator. What matters is your own recovery.
Also as for your other point that he wanted sex but you were passed out. If he wanted sex, he should have found someone to have sex with. He did not. Instead he committed a violent crime. Rape is an act of violence.
BainsBane
(53,035 posts)You did not know what he was.
Prism
(5,815 posts)A very great deal.
BainsBane
(53,035 posts)Rape is a crime of violence. People are often not what they appear to be.
Liberal_in_LA
(44,397 posts)Electric Monk
(13,869 posts)Add me as another voice suggesting you report it to the police and seek some professional counseling.
Prism
(5,815 posts)I did get drunk, and I did leave with him (barely with functioning consciousness), so I do feel it was a situation I entered.
Tree-Hugger
(3,370 posts)Even though you were drunk and you left with him, it is NOT you're fault. Can I beg you not to blame yourself?
At the end of the day, I do feel he should've known I was in no state for consenting sex.
Electric Monk
(13,869 posts)This rainn.org online resource was posted already, but here's one of their sub-pages I think you might find helpful, regarding the laws in your state http://www.rainn.org/public-policy/laws-in-your-state
magical thyme
(14,881 posts)He did not take care of you. He took advantage of you.
You *thought* he was a nice guy. He is not.
I believe you should report it if you feel you can go through that trauma. He took advantage of your state of unconsciousness. He is a predator who goes after those who are unable to take care of themselves. That is disgusting.
You may save somebody else's life by turning him in. Maybe many lives. You will not be ruining his life if you turn him in. He is ruining his own life by being a rapist.
Matariki
(18,775 posts)well said.
no one has the right to rape, EVER - not EVER
Squinch
(50,955 posts)Last edited Sat Dec 7, 2013, 07:12 PM - Edit history (1)
I am not asking in order to get an answer, I just think if you look at it that way, especially because you are feeling emotionally removed from what happened, it can clarify in your mind exactly what the guy did to you. Emphasizing: he did it to you.
You did nothing wrong. You got drunk. That doesn't mean that you opened yourself up to this. You would never do this to a drunk acquaintance, no matter how drunk they were, or you were. He, on the other hand, DID choose to do this unthinkable thing.
The act was entirely his fault.
Whisp
(24,096 posts)but you must consider that this predator might have done that before and may do it again.
He may have ruined many lives, Prism.
But from my knowledge and experience, I feel like it's happening with that gray area of drunk with him, and I don't think he knows he's done anything wrong.
loli phabay
(5,580 posts)Situation, especially if you have waitwd a while before coming forward. It would lend to a reasonable doubt both with an investigator and if it came to it a jury. Thats one of the problems when crimws of this nature dont get reported immediately.
Ilsa
(61,695 posts)He rapes someone else and they go to the police. You may not want to "ruin his life" over this, but someone else might.
He needs help, too, if he doesn't realize how wrong this is.
I wish you well. Please consider counseling if you notice that you are not "moving on." Rape has a way of invading your life and ability to trust, among other things.
Vashta Nerada
(3,922 posts)I'm sorry this happened to you, but I strongly encourage you to turn him in.
Prism
(5,815 posts)I just don't. I can't imagine doing that.
Barack_America
(28,876 posts)He made the decision to rape you. A district attorney would make the decision whether or not to prosecute. A judge or jury would make the decision whether or not to send him to prison.
This is not your fault and his fate is not in your hands.
I'm so very sorry you are going through this.
Captain Stern
(2,201 posts)The guy you're talking about isn't a "nice" guy. He's a rapist.
In my opinion, you shouldn't be apologizing for him....you should be putting him behind bars, where he belongs.
Warren DeMontague
(80,708 posts)This is someone who could- probably would- do this again. Quite likely, has done it before.
Im certainly not qualified to tell you how to handle things best for your own life, but that seems to be a pressing factor in favor of reporting the crime.
Behind the Aegis
(53,959 posts)With us, in spite of better laws and more acceptance, rape cases involving men, especially gay men, can be very problematic. The only issue that really matters is that Prism get the help he needs (as you said down thread), everything else is secondary.
Warren DeMontague
(80,708 posts)And I am certainly not qualified to second guess here.
Luminous Animal
(27,310 posts)lumberjack_jeff
(33,224 posts)A person on the sex offender registry "at high risk of reoffending" was hired at a workplace of someone close to me. I learned this because it was in the local newspaper.
I asked a friend in the justice system to tell me what they could of the circumstances. They said that he was convicted in another state of performing oral sex on a man he met in a bar after going to the victims apartment. Both had been drinking heavily and the victim apparently woke up during the act. The perp spent some time in prison - I think two years.
He was asked at work to explain what happened and he corroborated what the public record stated, and added that as a result of what happened, he no longer drinks or takes any kind of drugs, and moved out of the state to start over. The person who works with him describes him as "a super nice guy" and a good co-worker.
You described the rapist as a bartender who supplied you with free drinks. I personally think that this is a factor which suggests reporting may be appropriate, because you may not be the first and you may not be the last.
The legal consequences of rape are very high, and your comments suggest that those severe consequences may be part of the reason for underreporting.
I'm sorry this happened to you and I think that you should get help to sort it out and make a rational decision.
... from someone who won't pressure you into doing something you don't want to.
I read this and realize that I've probably been no help whatsoever.
uppityperson
(115,677 posts)What you wrote here makes a lot of sense and seems very helpful.
uppityperson
(115,677 posts)his own life.
That is what it comes down to. What HE chose to do in a situation.
For you, having been raped and not reported it because I didn't want to ruin his life and besides I "got myself into the situation", all I can say is do what you need to make yourself right first. And second, he had the chance to chose to rape or not rape. He chose to rape. It was HIS choice, no matter how drunk you were. HIS choice. HIS ruining his own life.
The whole thing is a long process, and I wish you peace with yourself.
BootinUp
(47,165 posts)be ok.
But thanks =)
BootinUp
(47,165 posts)that I want to say. Please understand, I do not often hear or read a report of such a horrible event first hand.
What I noticed, is that you are thinking about DU, instead of yourself. Can you tell us why you would think an issue being discussed on DU is so important when you have been physically attacked?
There is no way that is true.
Prism
(5,815 posts)So DU wasn't my first thought. But, reading threads related to the topic, I saw thoughts and ideas being expressed that didn't entirely square with where my head is, so I thought I'd just say, "here's what I'm actually thinking," andaybe people could learn or understand from that. Not everyone reacts or sees it the same way. And sometimes people are mystified by someone's response. So I thought, maybe I could be helpful in some way.
Sheldon Cooper
(3,724 posts)You will likely have a multitude of conflicting feelings over the next days and weeks. Things that have been expressed here that seem so mystifying to you may start to make more sense as time progresses.
To echo everyone else, I am so sorry that happened to you. Please get help - it can make a real difference in the speed and quality of your recovery. Take care of yourself.
PassingFair
(22,434 posts)He could have given you a disease.
Bjorn Against
(12,041 posts)Prism
(5,815 posts)Cleita
(75,480 posts)I don't think you are going to get a whole lot here especially with some of the insensitive, to say the least, replies you have already received. I understand that you are probably in shock right now and do not want to bring the law into it, but you do need to talk it through with a therapist as soon as possible.
Prism
(5,815 posts)I wouldn't have posted the thread if not. I view it as a detached incident that happened.
Cleita
(75,480 posts)Call a friend if you don't know where to start. They will be better able to help you get the help you need.
Prism
(5,815 posts)I promise
BainsBane
(53,035 posts)DU has a rape support group too. You might find that helpful. There are others online that will be more confidential. I'm very sorry you were raped. I have to say I'm a bit befuddled by the casual manner in which you are taking this. I didn't think you were serious until I read some of your replies in the thread. The emotions of it all may not have sunk in yet.
Why have you decided not to report it to police? Rapists reoffend. He will hurt other men. That is guaranteed.
Prism
(5,815 posts)It's pat, but my answer. I was drunk, he wanted to have sex, and while I did not want it, do I bring someone down for thirty years and deal with the police and courts on account?
I want a better way than that. I hate what happenend, but I want the hammer I swing back to feel balance. If that makes sense.
BainsBane
(53,035 posts)That's what rapists do.
Rowdyboy
(22,057 posts)There's nothing any of us can do but listen, both on this thread or privately. Discuss what you feel like discussing but I really hope you don't withdraw because of what happened to you. Withdrawing into yourself will only serve to increase the isolation you must be experiencing now.
Do you have any close friends you can talk to? As trite as it may sound, if you can talk about it with someone it could be therapeutic. At least it helped me both when I was diagnosed with HIV and later with liver cancer. Talking can be hard but it helps in the long run.
Regardless of what you decide know that there are people here who give a damn, for whatever that's worth to you.
Prism
(5,815 posts)I haven't talked to anyone else. I feel, having been drunk at the time, that my irresponsible stupidity is a bit in play. So, it does feel like this is some stupid thing I let inevitably happen.
I was assured by the guy the following morning that condoms were used. But even so; I will test like the wind.
TDale313
(7,820 posts)That you did or didn't do made this happen. This wasn't your fault, no matter how drunk you happened to be. This is on him, not you.
Auntie Bush
(17,528 posts)tell/explain to him how much he has hurt you, emotionally and physically. Maybe he will get the hint that what he did was devastating to you. He probably doesn't even comprehend the extent of your pain and anguish. Also expressing that should make you feel better.
What bothers me is that you seem to think like many men...that the victim deserved it and was responsible for someone else's actions. Make him realize...if you didn't say yes it was actually rape which is criminal. Maybe just making him realize that might save another person. Who knows............
AuntFester
(57 posts)Please take care of yourself.
How you deal with him is a secondary issue, really. How you deal with yourself is what's critical. Please consider some helping activity. That could be counseling, rape victim groups, something. This is too serious an issue to simply think you can "stoic" your way through it.
Prism
(5,815 posts)And I am thinking about it.
alittlelark
(18,890 posts)...not in yours specifically, but in the general sense. Get to a therapist or support group as soon as you can. Mine was almost 25 years ago, but remnants remain due to not accepting help when it was offered. This is not a 'Go It Alone' or 'I Can Handle it Myself' experience. It is deeply personal, it is intense... so intense that it could affect the rest of your life in ways you do not realize yet. Find a group in your area you are comfortable with, and you will slowly heal with support from other survivors.
I spent a few years working w/ survivors... get together w/others as soon as possible.
http://www.gayalliance.org/directory/planned-parenthoods-rape-crisis.html
http://www.pandys.org/lgbtsurvivors.html
Prism
(5,815 posts)Like it has infiltrated my sense of self when my conscious wants to dismiss it. But it's a splinter of "Really?' This happened?!" Pervading my mind.
from reading your posts here and this one in particular is that you are disassociating from the emotions about your assault. That's a way some people's minds handle trauma. I have a disassociative personality myself. But the feelings are going to hit you someway, either consciously through later emotional pain, or unconsciously in affecting your actions. Getting over this won't be easy. It isn't easy for anyone. It's not supposed to be. You are a human being like everyone else. You can't be expected to deal with trauma in superhuman ways.
Prism
(5,815 posts)Third party perception. I don't expect it to last. But I can almost hold it up as an intellectual object for study.
BainsBane
(53,035 posts)I'm an expert at it. The thing is if you don't deal with it those issues only fester. They end up affecting your life in negative ways that you may have no awareness of. Give yourself time and when you're ready, I hope you can get some support.
alittlelark
(18,890 posts)... 'This could not have really happened' It will go on for a long time. Talking w/others will cement that IT DID happen, and enable you to open up pathways to deal with it. It was NOT your fault, and you need to be able to find ways to not let this horror effect the rest of your life.
Electric Monk
(13,869 posts)in reverse order it stands for:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Hope
It's sort of based on this but with Hope as another stage, eventually.
salin
(48,955 posts)A Little Lark, I always appreciate your wisdom on this. I would post a wavey emoticon to say hello/appreciate... but that seems like levity and this isn't such a conversation. Regards, all the same.
salin
(48,955 posts)I didn't get help at the time, though I did talk to some friends. I also had a detached view. But it affected me deeply in ways that I now know were self-protective (and not uncommon). I started viewing myself as less attractive (because then, I wouldn't feel so vulnerable) this was really subtle and over time... I remember looking in the mirror a few years later and asking myself... what happened I used to be pretty cute? Other times I would suddenly be certain that I was in physical danger - all of my senses would amp up (hearing/vision) which is a form of ptsd (again not uncommon). And then, seemingly untriggered, sometimes when in an intimate moment - I would go into that detached state - it would be like I was watching the intimacy and was not physically engaged. That was freaky. That was the one aftereffect that I could correctly attribute to the rape.
Years later, while in grad school I sought therapy for an unrelated issue. During this time something made me mention this event and the therapist stopped in her tracks.... ah, that explains a lot (of dysfunctional ways I would deal with conflict and other things.) Our therapy went in a very different direction.
One never completely goes back to who was one before - but one can be whole.
As others have done in this thread, please find a support group or a therapist with experience working with rape survivors.
Deep regrets for what you have gone through and are going through.
kcdoug1
(222 posts)Been there, done that... I understand. YOU have to take care of YOU. He is no longer important. But, I can tell you this will haunt you... for ever. Please find someone to talk to in a professional setting. You can forgive, but you cannot forget. Do not let him control your future.
Love,
Prism
(5,815 posts)Warpy
(111,274 posts)Whether or not you press charges against the predator, you will likely need some help to process this. Rape crisis centers help men, too.
jamzrockz
(1,333 posts)Also did you try to fight him off? Did he drug you before the attack?
Mnemosyne
(21,363 posts)Prism
(5,815 posts)He was an acquaintance and I was very drunk. I cannot say if I am the first or last very drink person he's done that to.
It was not drug related, however. Simply a bartender who took a fancy to me and kept pumping me with free drinks all night.
Do you realize the implications of your last statement? The fact that he was pumping you with free drinks all night, might indicate that he truly is a predator who planned to do exactly what he did do. I hope, for your own safety, you will consider reporting him.
Whatever your decision, I hope you have a trustworthy friend who can help and support you in the coming days.
Peace and love
Shar
Prism
(5,815 posts)The bartender was not involved. He simply hit on me a great deal and gave me free drinks. The acquaintance was someone else.
nolabear
(41,986 posts)DU is terribly public and you're leaving yourself open to an extension of whatever violation happened. I think most everyone here, much as they fight, wouldn't deliberately hurt you, but even if you feel all right about opening up there is a potential for trolls, stalkers, whatever to say unreasonable and mean things.
Do be careful, and I wish you the best in whatever comes of this awfully complicated thing.
I did give it a lot of thought before taking a public dive =)
rug
(82,333 posts)Other than that, take care of yourself. Talk about what you want to talk about when you want to talk about it to whomever you want to talk about it.
I'm sorry this happened.
hrmjustin
(71,265 posts)I learned to deal with the pain but there is still trust issues with men for me.
For me it was my boyfriend and I never reported it. Years later he contracted HIV and before he died I forgave him. Life after rape is very hard but you will survive.
You are in my prayers and thoughts.
Prism
(5,815 posts)Thanks, Justin.
sarisataka
(18,663 posts)to make any claim to know how you feel. I will speak as a person who went years without realizing I had PTSD until I was counseling others with the affliction.
You are not alone. Help is out there and there are people who have gone through the same experience. It in no way will diminish you if you wish to receive help.
Prism
(5,815 posts)LadyHawkAZ
(6,199 posts)I'm going to send you all the sympathy and support that an online post can give, and invite you over to the support group if you feel you need us.
http://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=forum&id=1266
I have a PM box as well, should you need it.
We're with you. Be well.
loli phabay
(5,580 posts)KitSileya
(4,035 posts)It shouldn't happen to anyone, but it does, as you and I and so very many others know.
The one thing I want to say to you is this, what you choose to do after this is *your* choice. Report, don't report, tell, don't tell, get help, don't get help, all of that is your choice. There is no one proper way of reacting after something like this, and you have the right to react and feel the way you react and feel. You get to decide what to do with this trauma, what you can manage, and what you cannot manage.
Also when it comes to reporting, know that it the rapes this rapist commits is his fault, and should he happen to rape again, it will not be your fault. From the snippets you have given us, it seems that his behavior is known to others - let them, who have not suffered trauma, get that responsibility if you decide that reporting your rape is too much.
Please also remember that you need to get tested, especially if the rapist didn't use protection. If I recall correctly, you are married, and if you haven't told your husband, you do have to keep in mind that you cannot put him at risk in your sexual relationship.
Finally, know that you have my support. I wish I didn't get to welcome you to the 'club', but there are many of us who have experienced this. Lean on us, and don't be afraid to ask anything, either in-thread or in pm.
Niceguy1
(2,467 posts)Recovery and the strength you need for it.
Le Taz Hot
(22,271 posts)I was a victim in 1984 so I want YOU to feel free to ask ME anything. I will say, if you have it available and whether you think you need it or not, GET COUNSELING. I learned that the hard way. Also, please feel free to PM me. It's up to you whether or not you want to continue on DU but DU has a lot of rape survivors who can act as a support system. I encourage you to take advantage of that if you need to.
Sending healing white light your way.
LTH
ZombieHorde
(29,047 posts)countryjake
(8,554 posts)I hope that you will truly be okay and send you hugs, strength, and solidarity.
I am a survivor, too, and I also chose not to report the crime, nor did I ever feel like I couldn't handle the aftermath of the ordeal on my own.
We all have our own ways of reacting to the violence of rape. Just know that you are not alone.
Behind the Aegis
(53,959 posts)As a member of the family, I offer you support for whenever you decide you need it. The betrayal of the situation simply adds to the already horrible situation. Though it wasn't this week, you may ask me anything about my sexual assault and how I have dealt with, and continue to deal with the event.
Becoming a survivor of sexual assault is never an easy thing, but, with support, it can happen.
Sincerely,
Aegis
TDale313
(7,820 posts)Take care of yourself. Be patient with yourself.
catrose
(5,068 posts)or good thoughts, if you prefer.
It happened to me. It happened to my gay son, also one of his friends.
I am so sorry.
polly7
(20,582 posts)It's such a terrifying, brutal, demeaning thing to go through and my heart aches for you.
Please try to get the help you'll need to deal with this. I know from experience how even on days you manage to put it out of your mind, the anger and pain and betrayal is there. I wish I could give you a hug. I'm so sorry.
REP
(21,691 posts)Please stop saying you were "stupid" or "irresponsible." You were neither.
I join with everyone else who has urged that you speak with a sexual assault counselor. It really will help.
Kurovski
(34,655 posts)I handled it too. I'm fine now, but I was angry for a while. I healed on my own, in my own way with the help of a friend who got me out of the living situation. I was in shock at first, gained weight. oddly grateful it was not a stranger. Just be sure you are taking care of yourself and talk to someone you trust.
You might be in shock. I was for about a month, frozen as to what to do.
the rapist died a couple of years later of AIDS. Again: I felt fortunate not to have contracted the virus from the assault. So you'll want to be sure about any health issues, Any STD's. get that checked out. I hope you will be well again soon. it's a process, of course. one that needs tending.
Don't stop posting at DU. You're a cool DUer, Prism. Unless you just mean you'll stop posting about this particular topic.
Warren DeMontague
(80,708 posts)You can right now to be well and taking care of yourself.
i know as others have mentioned there is a survivor community here, also of course there are probably more private places to talk to others who have been through that as well if that is what you need. I'm probably not telling you anything you don't already know.
I am very sorry this happened to you.
Prism
(5,815 posts)For your thoughts and support.
I really want to respond to everyone individually, but I'm being summoned away. I'll try to work through this thread over the weekend.
Thank you very much, again. I am grateful.
Smarmie Doofus
(14,498 posts)Tuesday Afternoon
(56,912 posts)bravenak
(34,648 posts)Your friend needs a wake up call. He needs to know that drunk people can't consent. If you can't tell him yourself, maybe you just can't face him right now, maybe you can speak to a mutual friend and have them let him know that he raped you. He needs to know that he took advantage of you and hurt you. You may not want him to go to jail, but you deserve an apology at the very least.
It's not your fault and nobody should ever treat you like that.
You are a very forgiving person and kind to want only the best for someone who has harmed you.
Please find someone you can trust to talk to and share your pain with.
TorchTheWitch
(11,065 posts)Being a victim myself I understand what you're feeling right now. Do whatever you feel is right for you.
JackBeck
(12,359 posts)sibelian
(7,804 posts)I hope you're as alright as you can be. I don't have much to add to what others have posted other than perhaps to observe that whatever you feel, is normal to feel. What happens next... well that's going to be a big mess no matter what.
Take care of yourself, and, if you think it will help, feel free to PM me. I have some experience of similar things. I'm not sure if what's happened to me counts, and it was a long time ago, but... there we are.
I hope there is someone in your life who can take care of you and look after you when you need to be looked after. I do think it would be good to share with a real person. I understand that might be very difficult.
I wish I could help more. :/
(((Prism)))
s
x
Starry Messenger
(32,342 posts)You didn't do anything to invite this act if violence. Rape is an attack by cowards who want to control someone, not by someone who wants to have sex.
I hope you will take care of yourself. Everyone here has given good advice. I just wanted to reiterate that this is in no way your fault.
mstinamotorcity2
(1,451 posts)It doesn't matter if you are straight or gay. It is a horrible crime. Living with the victimization of a sexual assault is not easy. You think of all the things you think you did to send signals that made the person do what they did. It was not you. It is their stupid need to have control over everything including those that are weaker and there own sexual gratification. Seek counseling. What I find is most people who commit date rape sexual assaults don't like sunlight. Sometimes calling them what they are wherever they are is as good as police.
struggle4progress
(118,295 posts)to make sure you can honestly answer yourself when you ask yourself this question
And if the honest answer is No or I'm not sure -- or if you're telling yourself Yeah, I'm OK but aren't 100% sure you're being completely honest with yourself -- go get somebody professional to help you walk through how you really feel
And it might not be a bad idea to see a physician, too
idwiyo
(5,113 posts)If you want to talk, PM me and I will PM you my Skype ID. You can scream at me, talk as long as you want, anything. I am not going to tell you how to feel, what to feel, or what to do. I just want you to be well.
gollygee
(22,336 posts)Hugs!
maddezmom
(135,060 posts)You take care of you the way you feel is best. Counseling worked for me after a few months when I was ready for it.
HappyMe
(20,277 posts)Take care of yourself, get some counseling.
ecstatic
(32,707 posts):hug
MuseRider
(34,111 posts)Oh oh oh. I am so sorry. Punched in the gut reading this and the responses.
I was raped as a child and as a young woman. My gay brother was raped although he did not know the person, he was dragged off the street.
You have a LOT to deal with. Please do consider getting help. I had no help as a child nor was there anyone to help when I was a young woman. I carry the scars to this day and I trigger easily. It is a horrible feeling to be abused like that. My brother never sought help either but he did not live more than a couple of years after so I don't know what that would have done to him.
I would like to suggest that you talk to someone. Please talk to someone. This will affect you in ways you do not even know yet. It may very well be something you can handle, I don't know you, but I do know that things will pop up and you will wonder why you react the way you do now and often it is not a good way to react. This will affect your life.
Sending love and hugs and all those things that really don't help at all but we are powerless to do anything real here. I want you to feel well or at least as well as can be about this 20 years from now. It will help in the future to get help but it would help you the most now when you are sorting the after effects of something so devastating. Putting them in the right place and having someone help you sort them is always a good thing for your future. You can still be stoic, heaven knows I am as stoic as they come, but don't harm the next years of your life by letting your thoughts about being stoic stop the help that is available.
I am so sorry.
JackBeck
(12,359 posts)TroglodyteScholar
(5,477 posts)Do you personally think he had done that before or will do it again to someone else?
aikoaiko
(34,172 posts)Many DUers have a bad habit of telling people what to feel and what to do in situations like this.
I trust you to figure it out for yourself.
Squinch
(50,955 posts)Please, even if you tell no one else, tell someone who is close in your life, who you see frequently, so they are aware of what you are dealing with. This distance you feel may last, or it may not, but the day may come when you need to talk to someone close.
Please be good to yourself. Nothing you did caused this.
In_The_Wind
(72,300 posts)There is a DU Group that may help you:
http://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=forum&id=1266
xmas74
(29,674 posts)Unfortunately, it's a big club whose members are dismissed, shamed and even bullied into submission.
You never forget it, you never truly get over it. Don't be me. Never quit talking about it, even when you're told to shut up and get over it. Get the help you need instead of pushing it back and trying to forget it. Stand up for yourself, instead of letting yourself become a victim a second time.
I stopped talking about it after being shamed over it and I never once received any kind of help. It was twenty years in October and I'm still dealing with the aftermath. There are days I wonder if the aftermath hasn't been worse than the actual act.
Just get help. Don't be me.
mecherosegarden
(745 posts)I think you have received excellent advice here. Respecting your decision about not reporting what it happen to you, however, know that it could also happen to someone who is not as strong as you seem to be. That person, if one can call him that way, could be a ticking bomb to rape someone else.
I really hope you do get counseling.
Best wishes to you .
catbyte
(34,402 posts)You have friends who care about you, Prism, even if we're scattered all over the place. I wish I could do more for you right now than this lame smilie hug
Please keep in touch.
LittleBlue
(10,362 posts)Sounds like you're doing alright.
Take care of yourself, buddy
mercuryblues
(14,532 posts)Is there a way you can report it, without pursuing charges? This way, if he has done this before it will become clear that he is a predator. If not, you have put it on record for the next guy (if there is one) he does this to. It will reveal a pattern for them, if there is one.
Just because you were drinking does not permit anyone to rape you. There is no grey area about that. That is nothing but an excuse that rapists use to justify their actions and negate their blame.
Puglover
(16,380 posts)My sense of you via your postings and a teeny bit of private communication is that your head is screwed on right, you're down to earth, pragmatic, very intelligent and have a strong sense of self. Strong enough to know that if and when you need some help navigating through this you will seek it out.
I'm sorry this happened to you. Even if someone is as drunk as snot, it is not an opportunity for someone to have sex with them. The other dude is a jerk. Character. Way way back in the early 80's I had a really great looking guy come onto me in a bar and he basically followed me home. I realized once we got their that he was just hammered. So he spent the night ..........sleeping. Next morning I gave his hungover self tea and toast and sent him on his way. I have always felt good about that encounter.
Let me know if you need anything.
Pug
JackBeck
(12,359 posts)Tikki
(14,557 posts)Unless he was raised on Jupiter he knows rape is a crime of violence and is a punishable crime.
Something coming over someone is not a defense. You did not consent to be hurt while passed out.
Sorry someone hurt you..
Tikki
Response to Prism (Original post)
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Auntie Bush
(17,528 posts)I'm not liking you at this moment!
louslobbs
(3,235 posts)when I was a teenager...........it was supposed to teach me not to be gay.......by a supposed group of non-gay tough guys.
Don' t do what I did, I tried to put it out of my mind and forget about it.......I packed up my car and left NY and drove clear across the country to LA where I have lived and worked ever since, and that was in 1985.
Until I got help, I not only felt horribly dirty and weak, but additionally, I brought horrible, undeserved baggage, into every one of my relationships and beat myself up on a daily basis with various drugs......just take care of yourself and part of that taking care of yourself, means seeking help from a professional and not trying to deal with this on your own like many do.......like I did.
I hope that everything works out as you deal with the aftermath of this situation and as you begin to heal and trust again. One more thing, you did nothing wrong. All the best and a big hug out to you.
Lou
westerebus
(2,976 posts)What ever that advice is, please, please, take it yourself.
Squinch
(50,955 posts)an important part in dealing with the immediate aftermath of the trauma.
If you can think about what you would want a friend or loved one to do in your situation, you will have a clearer idea of what your path forward should be.
stevenleser
(32,886 posts)I think anyone who has gone through a trauma like that should get counseling. Most local areas have rape victim counseling and that might be the best option.
As a citizen of the same country, I would prefer all people who would do things like this to be off the streets but I also understand why you might not want to go through all of the things entailed with doing that.
I hope you have a speedy physical and emotional recovery.
Response to Prism (Original post)
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La Lioness Priyanka
(53,866 posts)liberalmuse
(18,672 posts)but most especially if it's by someone you trusted. You didn't deserve to be treated like that. I really do hope when you talk to this person that they understand and acknowledge how utterly unacceptable what they did was.
Not only have you been put into the position of having to deal with this traumatic thing that happened to you, but you are also put in the position of having to face this person and explain that they've violated you and how that makes you feel. As if this weren't enough, you've also been put into the position of making the decision that you do not want to ruin another person's life, even in spite of what they've chosen to do to you. You seem like you have the strength to deal with this from what I've read, but I hope you can come to grips with everything you're having to process right now. It sounds like you've chosen not to ruin this person's life, but I hope you realize that the person who did this to you was just as responsible for doing the same. This should not all be on your shoulders, and this may cause you some anger issues later on. Or maybe not.
This is going to sound cliché, but please know that you aren't alone.
Response to Prism (Original post)
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Logical
(22,457 posts)lumberjack_jeff
(33,224 posts)DesertFlower
(11,649 posts)CFLDem
(2,083 posts)I hope you get the help you need and I hope the bastard gets jailed before he can victimize anyone else.
closeupready
(29,503 posts)Threads concerning male rape don't happen. And posts re: same in rape threads are condemned as 'detracting from rape of women'.
BainsBane
(53,035 posts)What is astounding is that you think your whine more important than Prism. Most people here have treated Prism as a human being rather than a soapbox to stand on. You should try it sometime.
closeupready
(29,503 posts)Hardly a bane, you're merely an irritation.
Sheldon Cooper
(3,724 posts)I'd say more than merely irritated, as a matter of fact.
You are actually upset over a lack of recs for this thread? And by extension, think that we somehow support male rape? You are overwrought, little one.
BainsBane
(53,035 posts)Most importantly, we are concerned about PRISM. This isn't a topic of discussion. It's a person's life.
MrMickeysMom
(20,453 posts)I don't know why people are people and a rec for this topic means it's worthy of discussion.
We don't know how to deal with lots of things in this world. Death is a big one. Rape is a big one. Gender should not matter.
uppityperson
(115,677 posts)approving of the whole thing which I do not. You are right though, reccing like I do when DUers report other bad things happening to them.
I hope he gets help dealing with it. Rape is rape.
BainsBane
(53,035 posts)And most people were more concerned with supporting Prism rather than pushing an agenda. unfortunately, a couple have seen it differently.
Warren DeMontague
(80,708 posts)maddezmom
(135,060 posts)As I think think the topic is worthy of discussion.
closeupready
(29,503 posts)I rec threads if I want others to see them, and/or if I think it's important and worthy of discussion. Obviously, mileage varies. Cheers.
sibelian
(7,804 posts)The phenomenon of reccing for exposure isn't as widespread as the approval rating thing.
And, to be honest, I'm not even sure that reccing a thread like this for exposure would be something I'd do. I see that others have. This thread does not, to me, seem like an opportunity to make points but an opportunity to try, however we we can, to help Prism. I feel very strongly that trying to turn the abuse of Prism into an opportunity of some kind is extremely wrong.
xulamaude
(847 posts)that we are being as respectful of Prism's privacy as we can be given the public nature of DU.
This is not a generalized discussion of an issue, it is a person's life.
Please.
William769
(55,147 posts)I feel out of my element here.
So instead of saying anything & triping over my words, I'll just offer this.
Jamastiene
(38,187 posts)I won't tell you to seek help. I always took that as a disgusting reply from people in real life when I did finally did tell someone I had been raped. To be honest, my favorite part of the healing process was anger. When I finally got angry and told people I wasn't the one who needed to seek mental help for what happened, I started getting better. None of that freaking "feels good to the one giving the 'therapy' and everyone else but the rape victim" therapy ever helped when I did finally go to shut people the fuck up. Finally, I started pretending everything was ok and just jumping all up in people's shit when they said insensitive things to me. Everyone in my real life knows not to blame the rape on me or tell me to seek help for that shit. Because I was incredibly unlucky enough to get raped does not mean I am mentally off.
Why is it that the person who is a victim of rape is told to seek help? Fuck that. It is not the victim that needs mental help. It is the deranged asshole who would rape a person who needs the mental help. Someone who has been mugged is not told to seek mental help. Someone who is knifed is not told to seek mental help. Fuck that.
I took it the same way you are taking it, in stride. I halfway blamed myself for putting myself in such a precarious situation, but later learned it was not my fault. You never know what someone is going to do to you. You can even be in your own house, with the doors locked, and have someone break in and rape you. You cannot live your life in fear and blame yourself when someone does something hideous to you. Fuck that too. Protect yourself as you see fit and do the best you can. That is really all you can do.
I went on about my life right after it happened as if it was part of growing up. One of the two women who held me down for the guy to rape me was my boss. I still worked there for the next few years, but knew never to trust her again. Trying to take it in stride came crashing down on me later though, when I realized there are much better people in the world than that small circle of people I knew back then. I met better people who had better views of homosexuality and did not ascribe to raping lesbians to try to make them straight. That and Kurt Cobain's death were finally my tipping points.
I walked home the day it was announced on the radio that he had died, and I never went back to work there or even to see those people. It was a seven mile walk and there were no sidewalks and the only way was through the biggest speeding areas where the most pedestrians are hit and killed in this county. I didn't care. I just had to be free of that bullshit I had been through. I felt free that day for some reason. I cannot handle the heat and it was hot that day here, already, as usual, summer in damn April. I didn't care. I just walked until I was tired, then walked the other half of the way home. I don't know why hearing about Kurt Cobain's death on the radio and my boss' nasty attitude about that was my final straw and the thing that made me absolutely just quit and never speak to those assholes I worked with again. I'm glad it did though.
I was truly floored by his death and was a big fan and loved that he was against homophobia. I knew then, it clicked. I am with the wrong people in everyday life to ever find happiness. I didn't need to hear rude ass comments about that that day. I was already beginning to become violent toward other people and doing other dangerous things were starting to really horrify me about my own actions. So, walk, I did, and walk and walk and walk. I skipped home and walked all the way to the cemetery where my grandmother was buried, another 4 miles away from where I lived. No one was able to find me for the rest of the entire day. I was happy to be out in nature, with my grandmother's grave, and able to talk it out to no one, or everyone in that graveyard, or my grandmother, depending on what people believe. Me? I was just talking it out to any force in the universe who would listen and help. That was the way I was looking at it. It helped somehow.
It wasn't until I was away from the assholes who did that to me that I finally began to heal. I met some terrific friends not long after that who helped me through a lot of weird break downs I started having. I'm good friends with them even now. They are the right people for me, not those homophobic assholes who did all the worst stuff they could do to me for years. I'm better off for it.
I went through some sort of personal healing process that most people would not think of as real healing, though, because it did not involve a therapist treating me like I was some kind of mentally deficient freak. I even had one of those precious "therapists" tell me I should "get right with God" and become straight just to add salt into the wounds of already being raped for being a lesbian. Another told me I was "choosing" a lonely life full of the potential of being raped again. Fuck therapists. Therapist...the rapist. That's the way I finally saw them after being told all that shit for so long. I never did settle down on one therapist I would keep going to, until I was "lucky" enough to find one who ascribed to the "love the sin, not the sinner" view. At least she was able to put that Christian bullshit aside and help me with my hideous PTSD. Still, I was never going to find a therapist where I live who would not be a homophobic asshole. I finally had to get angry and heal my own damn self. Fuck them.
Yes, I still have some anger. It angers me when people tell a rape victim to go seek mental help. I think the asshole who rapes someone needs the mental help, not the victim of such a crime. Support, I can understand, but that support cannot be generic, especially for gay people. What we go through is already an entirely different experience than what the straights go through. If you do decide to find a support group, not a damn mental health therapist, I would suggest you shop around and ask THEM the damn questions, ALL of the important questions about how they feel about gay people. If there are support groups for gay people who have been raped, that would be the best ones to try to shop around for, not a support group for straights. They just don't "get it" and they never will. No offense to allies of the GLBT community, but it is just not the same experience for us, because we have to put up with a bunch of homophobic shit along the way in every damn thing we do, it seems.
So, I can completely understand where you are right about now in handling this the best way you can. Anger will come later. The only thing I can tell you there is don't let it consume you. Anger can be a positive thing or it can be negative. If you use it the right way, it can actually help you cope with the aftermath of this crime that has been perpetrated against you.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I hope you are able to get through it without having to deal with too many overwhelming PTSD symptoms. I still cannot be in a room with 2 women I do not know and one straight man I do not know. That will probably never be possible without some apprehension unless I know the people and know they are truly GLBT allies, in other words, people I know are friends. It's for my own benefit to avoid that situation like the plague though, to protect myself. We all deserve the right to protect ourselves. What happened to you left you in a situation where you could not protect yourself.
IMO, the guy who did this DOES at least need to be confronted as soon as you are able. You will know when that is. No one else can tell you. If not by you, than by the biggest burliest friend you have, to let him know he had better not do something like, that again, to anyone, or else.
For me, being friends with a black belt in karate who also knew about almost every weapon, from the medieval to the modern, and every form of torture ever invented helped me. He taught me some self defense and made me stick with it until I could knock him down, taught me all sorts of dirty tricks to use in fights (because I was tiny and deserved the right to use whatever trick was at my disposal to bring down an assailant), and made damn sure the people who hurt me knew they had better not ever fuck with me again because he would be watching them.
Your situation is different than even mine though. So, what might work best for you, might be totally different than what finally worked for me.
Going to the cops isn't so easy for gay people. I don't think most people who are insisting you do that understand that. The cops make women and gay people and any other minorities feel like it was our fault and drag us through the ringer after the fact. Sulfuric acid in the wounds? Is that worse than salt in the wounds? It's worse than salt in the wounds, in any case. I always thought of dealing with cops after the fact to be the last fucking thing I wanted to do if therapists were telling me I needed to "get right with God" and giving me dicey speeches about reparative therapy and telling me I needed to try to make myself straight. Like they honestly think straight people don't get raped too.
I won't insist you go to therapy, like others here are doing, because all of my therapy experiences only made things worse. I did try the reparative therapy on myself for a while, because I was mentally coerced after the fact into thinking I needed to try to make myself straight. That was was bullshit and did NOT work. I ended up suicidal because of that bad therapist's advice. Being told to "get right with God" didn't help either, because that just made me hate all Christians for years and years and years. I still thank RevCheesehead and KitchenWitch here on DU for helping me see that not all Christians are assholes who hate gay people. And also, there was one preacher in Charlotte at the MCC church there who sent me tons of literature about the same time and took up LOTS of time with me talking on the phone and emailing back and forth to teach me that there are Christians who accept gay people and do not hate gay people and gay people who are Christians and do not believe gay people should be changed. I'm still not a Christian, but I don't hate all Christians now, because I realize there are some who are not hatemongers who ascribe to that hideous reparative therapy doctrine.
I also won't insist you go to the cops either, because I know what kind of horrifying sulfuric acid in the wound that is even for straight women.
If you do decide to go to a therapist though, please make sure you pick one that is not going to make things worse and fuck you up really bad mentally when you were fine mentally to begin with. That's all the advice I can really give, because I am a firm believer that when it comes to healing after a major trauma, one size does not fit all.
Other than that, all I can say is that I am really sorry this happened to you and I wish there was a way to send a to you.
closeupready
(29,503 posts)I you and hate that this happened to you, Jamastienne. And glad to hear you have healed somewhat from the experience.
AverageJoe90
(10,745 posts)The only question I have right now is: Have you been able to notify the police?
I hope things don't get any worse for you, and we are always here for you if and when you need us.
w4rma
(31,700 posts)I feel that the back and forth in this community with what you are going through and what your plans are on how to deal with this will help you solidify and be comfortable in how you handle this. IMHO, you don't necessarily need to talk to someone face to face for counseling. THIS is a form of counseling. And you get the input of many people, here.
Good luck. You sound like a genuinely nice person and I'm sure that whatever decisions you make will be the ethical and moral ones. You're going to be just fine.
msanthrope
(37,549 posts)question everything
(47,486 posts)the horror and the sadness and the sense of helplessness that many of us feel.
I hope that you get all the help and support from the ones can offer.
thucythucy
(8,069 posts)you're getting the support you need.
It looks like lots of people posted here with helpful suggestions, so I won't repeat what's already been posted and said.
Except to say: I was raped when I was twenty-one years old, and after being abused by the police it took another six years before I sought any kind of support at all. Once I did, it was like I could finally breathe and feel and be with myself again.
The people who helped me most were the folks at a local rape crisis center, and a therapist who'd also been an RCC counselor.
I mourn for you and for what you've had to suffer.
I hope you find whatever and whoever you need to recover.
And I thank you for having the courage to come here and share this horrific experience. I'm sure there are lots of survivors who will read this thread--men and women--who will derive a great measure of comfort and support from what has been posted here, and by the example of courage you've set for all of us.
Best wishes.
Thucy
Zorra
(27,670 posts)Several decades later, no matter how hard I try to forget and move on, I still find myself having to push from my mind the unhealthy fantasies about the really awful things I'd like to to see done to the man who raped me.
I strongly recommend counseling.
steve2470
(37,457 posts)Please consider the caring advice you've gotten here. Be well, Prism.
blackspade
(10,056 posts)As the recipient of several sexual assaults in my life I empathize with you.
It is tremendously hard to move past the emotional trauma that these events inflict on you.
Just don't let it control you. Don't beat yourself up about it.
You are not the one that caused this to happen, it is the Rapist who is to blame.
brother