I came to the realization that my sister doesn't like my children.

[SummerSnow]

I have 3 children. All girls. They are all adults now. I recently came to the realization that she doesn't like my children. Why? No clue. One of my children wad born with a birth defect. Had many surgeries and will have them throughout her life. My sister never visited her in the hospital when she was fighting for her life when she was a baby. Never visited her in the hospital or at home after her numerous surgeries. Never did the aunt thing and bought them my girls a rattle a pair of socks or a toy. However I watched her for over 20 years buy her friends babies gifts, go to baby showers etc.When we became homeless she wouldn't let us move in her huge house temporarily , but told me I need to go to a shelter. While in the shelter my daughter had a seizure and she wouldn't visit her or ask how she was doing when I told her what happened. She evaded the topic. Then I just recently found out that she told family members there was nothing wrong with my daughter , who had 18 surgeries and needs a machine to breathe. So I wrote her a lettter cutting her out my life .Best decision I ever made

[Harmony Blue]

1. This is sad

but you gave it an honest shot. But you have come to terms with the fact people must be judged by the choices they make. Whether that is unfair or not if the repeated choices continue then that is how it is....sad but it offers some closure for you.

[SummerSnow]

4. thank you for your kind words

[Harmony Blue]

6. We still can have empathy for those

that make poor choices (especially family members). But if it starts to hurt your health creating distance is the best thing you can do IMO.

[roguevalley]

54. I had a grandmother like that a bit. Your children will remember you

defended them. Some day, when the world is over, you will have that chat. I am sorry for
your sorry sister and proud of you. Be strong. You did the right thing. Hugs from Alaska.

[Pretzel_Warrior]

2. Quite a bit of information left out. How have you confronted her about it over the years

or at least recently before the letter? And what was her reaction to any confrontation you may have initiated?

Families of grown siblings go through some difficult strains. We all have our own busy lives. But sometimes family members are uncaring and more of a drain on us emotionally than anything.

Wishing you the best.

[SummerSnow]

8. When I would mention things to her ...for example...

I confronted her about why she tell people nothing is wrong with my child. She said she's functional. that's all she said

[Pretzel_Warrior]

11. well, you know the situation far better than any of us could

perhaps a "break" in the relationship will do you both good.

[SummerSnow]

10. also I mentioned stuff over the years in the letter and she text me that I'm entitled to my feelings

that's all.

[1StrongBlackMan]

34. Sounds like your sister doesn't have ...

a lot of love for you, either.

I know about having a sister that for whatever reason has issues with me ... and much to Mrs. 1SBM's dismay, I have not cut her out of my life. The question I asked (and answered for myself): Would I feel better about myself by me closing the door to the relationship; or, by me leaving the door open?

My decision was/is made simpler in that the only (non-family emergency) contact that I have with her is by my initiation ... so I only reach out to her when I have the emotional energy.

[kysrsoze]

55. She sounds like a sociopath - no empathy, sympathy, etc.

Last edited Wed Feb 19, 2014, 02:40 AM - Edit history (1)

Or it could be narcissism. From my reading, that all are similar antisocial/disassociative conditions. A cure might be questionable, but treatment is possible. However, that person would have to acknowledge a problem.

I have a similar sister, who could give a shit about any of my kids. The world revolves around her. Hasn't visited us in well over a decade. Doesn't attend any birthday parties or really anything we host. But if we don't invite her or people don't show up to her events, we/they are demons. She criticizes everything we do and frequently blames me for why my parents supposedly favor me over her (this isn't true - she just pisses them off so much that they have a hard time dealing with her). She refused to attend out wedding, but blamed us for not inviting her. She drives up to Chicago to go to some Cub fan event with her husband and asks me for restaurant recommendations, but doesn't even bother to ask if we want to meet up for lunch. They can't attend family functions b/c they are afraid to drive on the highways, yet drove past our house about 20 times to go to ballgames. Of course we do live all of 5 miles away from Wrigley Field and the Loop, so understandable, right? I could go on and on.

It used to royally piss me off and I've written her off multiple times. I now just go through the motions of being civil and no longer fighting... for the sole purpose of not upsetting my parents.

I understand your anger, frustration, pain, etc. it took me a long time to come to terms with it, and accept the fact that my own sibling doesn't care about me or my family. I have the feeling that when my parents are gone, I may never see her again. What can you do though?

Your sister is an asshole and fully deserves to be written off. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. No one deserves that kind of callousness, particularly from a family member.

[SummerSnow]

68. omg, my sister is very narcisstic and shes anti-social.oh yeah shes an asshole too...

treats everyone like shit on her shoes

[Courtesy Flush]

70. Your sister sounds like my brother

I don't have kids, but the attitude toward me and my wife is just like your sister's. When I was 21 I was in a car crash and broke my neck. Mom wrote to him and broke the news, and never heard back. The next time she spoke with him, she said "Did you get my letter? Your brother's neck is broken." He said "Yeah, how about that!" Never a single card or phone call to me.

When he got married, I was not asked to serve in his wedding. We were on good terms back then (we don't speak anymore), and I'm his only brother. At least I was invited to the wedding. Out of three marriages he's had, that's the only invitation I got.

His worst offense was when we were in our early thirties. He was probably driving under a suspended license (per usual), and got into a wreck. I don't know how he got away with this, but he told the cop he was me. Could have made up a name, or used the name of an enemy, but he gave his brother's name. Naturally, he didn't show for court, and there was a warrant for my arrest, that I was not even aware of. (I'm 54 now, and still have never had a speeding ticket -- knock wood).

The stories go on and on. I'm just glad I never see him.

[Dorian Gray]

3. It sounds like you guys don't get along

and perhaps she transferred those feelings to your daughter. Sad when families don't get along. Sorry.

[SummerSnow]

5. I always thought we got along. We use to laugh and talk all the time. When I saw what was going

on I was in denial. I had to accept it

[Dorian Gray]

9. I'm very sorry

have you tried to discuss it with your sister?

[SummerSnow]

12. I tried through the years but she manipulated my concerns and made me think I didn't know

what I was talking about. She brushed it off.

[LittleBlue]

7. That is awful.

Not just about your daughter, but to refuse her own sibling shelter when you needed it.

I think you made the correct decision.

[nadinbrzezinski]

13. I am sorry about that,

but at times that is best.

[YarnAddict]

14. Been there, done that

The problem isn't between your sister and your daughters; the problem is between you and your sister. Or possibly even between your mother and your aunt!

My mother fought the problems of her own childhood through my sister and me our entire lives! She treated my sister the way she wished her own mother had treated her. As the older sister, she identified me with her own older sister--and made every effort to cut me out of the loop whenever she could--to the point that her living will specified that my sister and pastor would make all end-of-life decisions for her!

My sister was so mean to me for many years, because she was never told that it was wrong to say demeaning or cutting things to me; that behavior was treated as "normal sister stuff." My sister then expected that the same things were going to be accepted between her daughter and my son. But I was there to put a stop to it. I never had anyone to stand up for me, but my children had me. I put my foot down and let it be known that my children had just as much value as hers.

It also helped that we moved out of state when they were quite young.

You did the right thing. Hope you can feel okay about cutting a close family member out of your life.

[SummerSnow]

16. Thank you for sharing . I thought about my decision and I realize that it was best for my

sanity and wellbeing. It was draining me.

[YarnAddict]

22. That's exactly the way I felt.

My sister and I have minimal contact now. I call her once every couple of months and we catch up. But there are boundaries. For the first time, ever.

Good luck to you. And stay strong.

[raccoon]

73. I feel your pain. My long-deceased father taught my older sister that it was OK to be mean to me.

He did it to get at my mother. Just like with your mother, it was a hateful thing to do.

[YarnAddict]

75. We may have been the victims, but

our parents did our siblings no favors with their preferential treatment. My sister seemed to feel that the entire world should revolve around her (and her daughter.) I watched the way people reacted to her, and I am very glad that I'm not her!

I found a lot of answers on www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com. Everything was there: the gaslighting, golden child/scapegoat, narcissistic rage, triangulation, etc. It put everything into perspective for me.

Your father may have been a narcissist, too.

[Tx4obama]

15. Does your sister have children of her own?

[SummerSnow]

21. no children. But she broke up with her boyfriend cause he was a doting dad to

his children. She didn't want him to even introduce her to his children. They are about 4 and 5 years old. She had a huge issue with them. During hurricane Sandy his home lost power and he asked her if they could come over and she said no.

[Tx4obama]

24. Well that seems to be a huge part of your answer there. It's not just your kids, it's all kids.

Sounds like your sister has 'issues'.

She apparently does not want to have any close relationships with children at all.

[haele]

48. Some people need to be the bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral.

They can be the "sweetest people in the world" so long as they are the heroes of their own lives and don't have to share attention with anyone else.
If she "never liked" your daughter who needed a significant amount of care and attention, it may be that since she couldn't "make a difference" by just being around, she was hit by jealousy that she would never admit to, because who could possibly be jealous of a little kid. And that's not something one can just "get over" - that sort of resentment festers in people who have issues like that.

Likewise a boyfriend who was also a doting dad - she wasn't the most important person in the world you and he just happened to inhabit with her.

Just my experience. It may be totally wrong, too.

Haele

[kysrsoze]

56. I think you nailed it. Complete self-absorption

[bettyellen]

65. Love that phrase! And the rest, spot on too.

[raccoon]

74. Sounds like narcissism to me. nt

[Jenoch]

17. Out of curiosity,

is yiur sister married with children of her own?

Somehow I believe she has a personality defect. I don't think it is about you or your children. She is seriously messed up. If your sister will not help you when you needed it over the years, then it is far past the time to cut her out of your life.

Do you have other siblings? If so, what is their rekationship with her, and you too for that matter.

[SummerSnow]

23. never married, no children

I do have other siblings were close. However my other siblings had cut her out their lives several years ago.

[Jenoch]

25. Yours is a sad story,

but not as uncommon as you might think. For your children's sake, you too should give up attempting to keep your relationship with her.

[pkdu]

18. As someone wise once said...you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family...

My sincere sympathies Summersnow.

[riderinthestorm]

20. +1. Some families are made of blood and some are made of friendship.

Embrace those who love you and let the rest go, regardless of whatever the genealogy says.

[Curmudgeoness]

19. You may have done the right thing for you,

and your sister does sound uncaring. But I don't like my sister's kids either. I don't care much for any kids. I have no children and never wanted them. I do care about them in that if they hurt, my sister hurts, but I don't particularly like them. They are adults now and it is even worse. They have done too many things to hurt my sister.

But I am glad that my sister did not expect a doting aunt from me. I would not have done what you indicate that your sister has done (or not done), because that is just cold-hearted. But I never had any closeness to her children.

[Lint Head]

26. Some people, even close relatives, think they are above others.

When a person has their nose so high they eventually run out of breathable air. I have a personal situation very much like yours.
I don't like to be around folks who just "tolerate" my presence. Life is too short.

[TeeYiYi]

27. Wow, I am so sorry. There is nothing...

...that I wouldn't do for my sister, and I mean nothing. And, I would gladly give my own life to have my other sister back. She died in 2006.

Of your entire post, this is the most telling:

When we became homeless she wouldn't let us move in her huge house temporarily , but told me I need to go to a shelter.

That just shocked me.

TYY

[Auntie Bush]

40. That shocked me too.I can't imagine ever doing such a thing.

She wouldn't even take her own boyfriend in. She sounds as if she has a deficit of empathy, compassion and emotion. Doesn't sound like a very nice person.

[Sarah Ibarruri]

28. Did you get along as sisters before you had the children? nt

[SummerSnow]

36. yes, we were alright. She seemed to have behaved as if my children never existed.

[Sarah Ibarruri]

39. How strange, Summersnow.

I wonder if she simply does not like children? Some people prefer adults.

Also, when adults have no kids they have one type of relationship, and the moment they do, that relationship changes because the person that has children shifts his/her focus to the children, and that alters the relationship.

Maybe you made the shift of attention fully to your children, but she was not able to make the shift from the one-to-one sisterly relationship you had, to one in which you had to focus on her children (as part of you)? Perhaps she wanted to continue the same sisterly relationship you had before, when kids did not take most of your attention?

Just guessing here.

[freshwest]

29. I won't begin to go into the stunts my sister pulled on me. She's a bagger now. Toxic. You did the

right thing, don't put out any more energy on this dead end. Too many people who have not dealt with such coldness or the unfathomabled disdain don't understand the damage this can cause. Move forward.

[Cha]

30. Oh wow.. how

sad that some people can be so inexorably heartless.. especially to their own families.

Best thing, indeed, SummerSnow.. who needs it. I hope you all are doing better now.

[sheshe2]

31. I am so very sorry SummerSnow. nt

[Douglas Carpenter]

32. as an old song goes, "better off without you, better off without you, I'm better off without you in

my life." It is a sad reality. But sometimes that is how it goes.

[indie9197]

33. On a related note, my two girls (17 and 22)

don't like my sister. I have made every effort to not influence their feelings. Unfortunately she is a mean control freak. Oh, well.

[handmade34]

35. ...

you tried... it doesn't always go the way we would like... I quit visiting and communicating with my mother a few years back; as you said "best decision I ever made"... sometimes the pain and energy drain is too much

[Auntie Bush]

44. I'm sorry about your Mother Handmade.

That's so sad when one can't get along with their mother. She must have been a piece of cake.

[virgdem]

37. I understand perfectly how you feel...

I have the same situation with my brother. Due to his behavior and actions/inactions over the years, I have decided for mental health reasons and my sanity to cut the relationship with him completely. He has been a toxic presence in my life and it seems that your sister has been a toxic presence in your life as well. It is truly sad that your relationship with your sister can not be salvaged, but her issues are too numerous and damaging to your relationship with her. Sometimes you just have to let go-it's just that simple.

[DeSwiss]

38. ''Everything in life, is a lesson.'' - K&R

[kairos12]

41. You have every right to cut off a toxic family member. You did right.

[BodieTown]

42. She Might Be a Psychopath

Just based on what you wrote, if you haven't already done so, do an online search for 10 signs of a psychopath. You might be unpleasantly surprised.

So many people don't understand that psychopaths are all around us...and in our families.

For what it is worth, I learned late in life that my own sister is a psychopath. They are hard-wired to not feel other peoples' pain or problems, not feel empathy, not feel much of anything except when it affects their own lives. They often demand attention.

There is no cure. There is no therapy for them that will really solve their problem.

There are always these two options:

1) Stick with them, but never allow them to get away with "winning" with their lies, back-stabbing, whatever. Too difficult, for me.
2) Turn your back and walk away from them, forever. This is what I did.

Something tells me, however, that you may be aware of this, and maybe you're looking for a little validation. Be happy in your decision; it was the right one, if you went through what I went through.

[Xithras]

58. I think you mean sociopath.

Psychopaths and sociopaths (technically Antisocial Personality Disorder and Dissocial Personality Disorder) have the same underlying mental state, but the difference is in how they express it. Psychopaths like to hurt and kill people, commit crimes, and generally cause havoc. Sociopaths simply don't give a damn about anyone but themselves. Both conditions are built on the fact that the person can't make empathetic or social connections with others.

The unfortunate plight of most sociopaths is that they end up alone and miserable through no fault of their own. It's a mental disease like any other, and as you correctly stated, there is no cure and nothing they can really do about it. They were born broken, and they will die broken.

My brother in law is a textbook sociopath. I've always felt a bit sorry for him, but I still don't let him in or near my home.

[BodieTown]

67. I Use the Words Interchangeably

The distinction is too gray. I'm not alone in my thinking.

Regardless, it's still a condition that most Americans recoil from.

When I read, "...she told family members there was nothing wrong with my daughter , who had 18 surgeries..", it was snap, of course.

[Xithras]

69. The line is fine, and it doesn't really matter.

They are technically two different conditions, but they're based on the same underlying problem so it doesn't really matter.

I do still pity them a bit. Ultimately, a sociopath is no more responsible for their condition than a person with dementia or schizophrenia. It's an incurable brain disorder.

[3catwoman3]

43. As someone whose only sibling...

died when he was 23 and I was 26, I always find stories of estranged sibling so very sad. I hope you are finding the peace you need.

[Lex]

45. My situation may be different from yours, but my brother's wife makes it nearly impossible

for me to be around her and my brother and kids. She constantly belittles our family (my and my brother's parents), complains about any gift the kids get, and is just generally a very poisonous person to be around, therefore many years ago, I made a decision to be around her as little as possible and unfortunately I don't see my nieces and nephew as much as I'd like.

[bravenak]

46. My sister does this sometimes.

She doesn't like me very much. Quick to down me to defend others, minimizing everything in my life. I leave her alone. When I'm reaching out to her, she runs away. Now she wants to talk to me all the time, and I feel bad, but I'm not interested anymore. You do you.

[Whisp]

47. yes. set yourself free.

your sister sounds like an anchor instead of a blessing. I have one of those too

[Rozlee]

49. Family relations can be painful at times.

I've always had a wonderful relationship with my son, but his marriage to his second wife is taking a terrible toll on all of us. She's pathologically possessive and he's had to purge his Facebook page of all but a few of his co-workers, friends and her relatives. From our side of the family, she only allows him to have contact with my daughter and two cousins. She made him quit three jobs because she got jealous of some of the women he worked with. Now, he's even started to slack off in child visitations on my grandson from his first marriage because she complains that he doesn't pay enough attention to her kids when he only sees my grandson for two week-ends a month. I never would have envisioned a scenario like this four years ago. That my son would be in a relationship with someone who completely cuts him off from his family and has major drama issues if he tries to go against her.

[KentuckyWoman]

50. My sister wrote me off 30 yrs ago.

Her complaint was also that I was not attentive enough to her liking. My point of view is a little different.

What I'm saying is I'm sorry your relationship with your sister hurt you. Sounds like it isn't very comfortable for her either. Don't know how or why mismatched people end up siblings but it hurts. I hope you and your sister can find a measure of peace about it.

[proudretiredvet]

51. There are people in your life who love you and your children.

They are the important ones. Love them and let them love you. Do not spend on more minute of negative time because of your sister.
I've been there with family but have much less patience than you do.

[Deep13]

52. Good riddance.

I'm in a similar position with my mother.

[Common Sense Party]

53. I've got parents who don't seem very fond of my kids.

Their first granddaughter could do no wrong, was great, walked on water, they went to her school plays, lavished her with gifts throughout the years, called her on the phone every week, etc. etc.

My kids? Meh. No birthday cards. No calls. No interest. My son is severely autistic, will likely never speak (age 20 now), and they never showed the slightest concern.

People are weird.

[kysrsoze]

57. Very sorry about that. I just can't understand it. I don't think anyone can.

It defies common sense, but some people are just sick in the head.

[Citizen Seattle]

59. Wow. Going through same situation this week

Left brother's house NEVER to return because his partner pulled the bully back out of the bag for the last time. I can say never because he is a narcissist, abuser, addict who I now understand simply does not have the ability to develop empathy.

It's time for alanon meeting again just to recognize the symptoms of my own enabling behavior. (I haven't been to one in 25 years.) How many times I have made myself smaller so he wouldn't fly off the handle. I'm just starting to unwind the tension from walking on eggshells.

Last night I decided to use Pinterest instead of Google to search for "Co-Dependence". There I found multiple pins describing the narcissist/abuser. Your sister and my brother in law are perfectly portrayed.

Good riddance.

[kysrsoze]

60. You're not co-dependent or enabling. You understand societal norms and try to keep the peace

Don't be so hard on yourself. That's what someone like that wants. The asshole just takes advantage of others' good intentions. You deserve no blame in it. Good for you writing the shithead off, though it might be a good idea to tell your brother why. He needs to grow a spine, and stop tolerating the abuse, including that directed toward the rest of his family.

[raven mad]

61. Family ("blood") doesn't necessarily mean caring for family.

I've seen it too much. Not so much in my own life, except in areas, but in many others.

Rejoice in your daughters, rejoice in your love for them; don't worry about those unfortunate enough to not care. Anyone can donate a gift at a baby shower, give a birthing gift - that doesn't involve caring, that involves "social niceties" (which, to me, are bullshit). Anyone can do that. Hell, Ted Bundy did that.

My heart hurts for your pain, but honestly I think you did the right thing. A sister is someone you can count on, someone who cares no matter what, and helps no matter what. I know. I have no birth sisters. I have a LOT of 'em who aren't blood, but are family!

I'm sending all the good karma my 60 years and 5 cats can muster just now - which is considerable, because you're in pain.

[Glitterati]

62. Psychologist told me long ago.....

If your best friend in the world did these things to you, said these things to you, how would you react?

Just because it's a "blood" relationship doesn't make it OK. There comes a time when severing the relationship is all you can do, for your own good.

[TBF]

63. I've lived by a rule an older

woman (one of my friend's moms) shared with me years ago "be polite to your family, but you don't have to like them. If they aren't even polite in return you don't need to see them."

Luckily most of my family/extended family is pretty easy to get along with. We have our share of differences in politics and that sort of thing - but in small towns you accept folks for who they are. Mostly. I think you are doing the right thing in looking after yourself and your daughter. You don't need to continue to try to be nice to someone who's a jerk to you.

[KurtNYC]

64. Denial feeds on itself. The more they deny, the more they need to, and the more they need to

the more they deny. I have seen it in alcoholics, co-dependents, enablers and others. It is a learned response to something they perceive as overwhelming. Compartmentalization and minimization complete the trinity. Clearly your sister has some issues and you have set a boundary that is much more appropriate and healthy than letting her hurt you and yours with a blind callousness.

Good for you.

[bettyellen]

66. Now that you know know, and have stopped making excuses for her

It gets easier. I have some sociopaths in my family too- and you contort yourself into pretzels hoping shit will get better.
It gets better when you stop giving them a second thought, and focus on the people who love you and deserve your love. She ain't it.

[4_TN_TITANS]

71. I don't call that a sister.

It's a blood relative, nothing else.

[Rider3]

72. You can pick your friends, but not your family

You're better off without her.

[Warpy]

76. A better idea for a narcissist is to write the letter but not send it.

Just walk away and try to make sense out of your own life.

[SummerSnow]

79. My life is great. She has to deal with her own demons.

[Glorfindel]

77. I'm sorry for your sister - it's her loss

My nieces and nephews, their children, and (yes!) grandchildren have been the joys of my life. You and your precious daughters are better off without her in your lives.

[riverwalker]

78. I can't stand my 2 daughters in law

but love my grandchildren.....walking the razor's edge.