I am, metaphorically, Adam Lanza’s sister.

[Ms. Toad]

Reading this thread, and recognizing in it the human need to attach blame to anyone who might have prevented such unimaginable atrocities, perhaps it is time to share a piece I wrote in the wake of Sandy Hook (shared publicly with the consent of family members of both of my brother's victims).

Our hearts are heavy for the families of the twenty children and six adults who left home last Friday morning, never to return; for Christmas presents unopened, for bar mitzvahs, high school graduations, and weddings that will never take place; for lives ordinary and extraordinary that will never be fully lived.

In the midst of our collective grief, a spark of hope emerges: on Sunday morning Ann Curry tweeted her intent to perform 20 mitzvahs/acts of kindness in memory of those who lost their lives on Friday – a tangible way to shift the focus from violence to healing. Twitter users quickly modified the hashtag to #26Acts, to include the women who died in Sandy Hook Elementary School. The idea spread to Facebook via a page which had received over 50,000 likes by Thursday night. People left bouquets of flowers tucked under windshield wipers on randomly selected cars. Library patrons opened their favorite books to discover a $5 bill or a gift card tucked inside. Diners left 100% tips with the notation “#26Acts.” Trash collectors were greeted with thank you cards, drawn with chubby crayons gripped tightly in the hands of children who were age-mates of most of those killed.

I share in this grief and draw strength from our impulse to turn tragedy into comfort and hope. But my heart is also heavy for the 28th family grieving the loss of their loved one, ashamed, bewildered, and alone. On the 26 Acts Facebook page, the suggestion that 26 Acts should be changed to 27 Acts, to include the mother of the shooter, was met with scornful comments like, “If you read . . . up, SHE KNEW her son needed help, yet kept it quiet and to herself. . . . I completely disagree and so do a few of my friends when the news keeps saying ‘27 innocent lives were lost.’”

I have yet to hear any news report even suggest that the number of lives lost last Friday was 28.

I am, metaphorically, Adam Lanza’s sister. Thirty-three years ago this spring my brother took the lives of two women in an act of violence brutal enough to make national news. It is easy to forget – or perhaps impossible to believe – that even those who act in ways that seem purely evil have people who love them. Our grief at the tragedy is mingled with guilt, shame, disbelief and personal loss, and also with unbelievable isolation – our loved one the target of understandable hatred and anger, some of which is also aimed at us.

As I struggled to reconcile the gentle, imaginative, funny, and beloved brother I knew with the person who was capable of perpetrating such violence, our family was given an almost unimaginable gift – the loving witness and continued friendship of the family of one of my brother’s victims; the acknowledgement that we both had lost loved ones, made concrete the next day by members of the family of one of his victims with this simple gesture: “On that Sunday morning ‘. . . There were two flowers in the front of our sanctuary for us to view as we gathered for worship — one for the victim and one for the accused, put there by the victim’s family’” (Quoted from an article written about the event)

So it was with trepidation that I typed #28Acts in the Twitter search box last night, expecting to encounter stronger, more negative, reactions than the ones I found responding to the suggestion that the shooter’s mother should be included. Instead, I found only love and compassion for the Lanza family and the acknowledgement that Peter and Ryan had lost a son and brother, respectively. That gives me hope that they, too, will find some small measure of peace and comfort knowing that there are those who acknowledge their loss and share their grief.

And - more bits and pieces here in response to an inquiry about whether Peter Lanza could have done anything to prevent his son's actions.

I can't replicate the thousands of miles we have walked trying to understand my brother's violence, search our souls for signs that we might have missed, and to make amends to the families of my brother's victims. But I hope this gives you a little insight into at least a mile of that journey, and that perhaps you will temper your understandable urge to lash out and place blame with a bit of compassion.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. Thank you for your beautiful post...

[Ms. Toad]

2. You're welcome.

With tone of other thread - perhaps hitting others similarly situated in the gut - it seemed a good time to share it.

[Ms. Toad]

3. Kick for visibility.

Since I decided to take the risks associated with posting it here.

[brer cat]

4. You are a lovely person, Ms. Toad.

To share such an intensely personal story in order to gain some degree of compassion for the family of Adam Lanza is quite courageous. I am afraid that many of us have rushed to blame all members of the family for Adam's behavior, not giving any thought to the pain and horrid guilt they must bear.

I am sorry for your loss. I can't image the burden your family has carried for these past decades.

[Ms. Toad]

10. Thank you.

I am, unfortunately, the "invisible other" in the room on a number of issues. By that, I mean that people talk about someone like me - without it ever crossing their minds that I am present and listening.

A couple of years ago, I stumbled into the opportunity to make the "other" in the room visible when I was invited to blog on a community website. During that period, things like Sandy Hook kept happening where I shared a similar experience (or outlook) with people who were being talked about but who were not yet ready to make their voices heard. I was in a position to speak out, so I took a big gulp and did.

Each time I've shared them, they seem to resonate with people, so I try to share them rather than play it safe when the opportunity arises. The other thread on Adam Lanza felt like one of those opportunities.

[malaise]

5. All I can say is

Last edited Wed Mar 12, 2014, 08:34 PM - Edit history (1)

Wow and thank you for this.

[Ms. Toad]

11. You are welcome. n/t

[Fumesucker]

6. K&R

[RainDog]

7. well said n/t

[LiberalAndProud]

8. I am so moved by your story.

I think that those who think they know

don't.

[Ms. Toad]

19. But how could they know the unimaginable?

My parents testified against the very bill which was later used to sentence their son to death. They were fervent opponents of the death penalty - never imagining that it would impact them personally. Or - at the very worst - that any personal impact would be on the victim side of the equation.

It really is hard to imagine, until it happens to you, that there could be good and loving people connected to a murderer. We so very much want to distance ourselves from evil that it is hard to imagine that anyone who is connected with someone who does such evil things does not also carry some of it within themselves.

[LiberalAndProud]

21. You're right, Ms. Toad.

I can't imagine, nor do I want to. I do know that it is simplistic thinking to blame bad parenting for bad actors. We humans are complex animals. We want to box these aberrations up with preventable, understandable, meaningful causes. If only the answers could be so pat. The longer I live, the more I know that they aren't.

[loyalsister]

9. What a huge burden to bear

I think Adam Lanza's father and brother deserve a lot more compassion than they are getting. Whether he could have done anything or not, I think Peter Lanza does and will always feel a terrible sense of guilt. He must have some really complicated feelings. His son essentially forced that sense of guilt on him. It's painful to be angry at someone who is dead. What a terrible thing to have to live with.

[herding cats]

12. Please, don't take anything people say personally.

By our nature we try to reason out why and how something like this could ever happen. When there's no easy answer, such as in Adam Lanza's case, it's as if we almost panic. Sometimes that can result in innocent people being blamed and even more damage being done in the wake of such horrific events. We are amazing creatures capable of greatness at times. What we aren't is flawless.

Sometimes things never make sense. That doesn't mean they were preventable, or the fault of the people who loved a broken person. Especially not that.

[Ms. Toad]

13. On this matter, I don't.

By now I am in a place where I can hear the hatred, anger, blame, incomprehension, etc. without it wounding me. It wasn't always that way.

So when I am able, I share my voice and story, to support those who cannot currently share theirs - and to share a glimpse of what it is like to be caught up in all of this as someone who loves a person who committed a horrendously violent act.

Thank you.

[herding cats]

17. You're stronger than most.

And, you're probably stronger than you should ever should have had to be. The way you take what life has dealt you and use it to make us think more deeply about who we are as fellow humans, and how we deal with life. That makes you an amazing person in my eyes. You have my deep respect, for whatever that's worth. People like you make some of us better people. That's something not many can honestly say.

[dionysus]

23. great post.

[greatlaurel]

14. Thank you so much for sharing your story.

Your post is very moving. It is shocking how easy it is to judge others especially on the internet. We must step back and recognize the humanity of every person.

[Ms. Toad]

26. You're welcome.

It is so much easier to judge when you have no connection to the person being judged. Most people here don't know me personally, but my hope is that they have a sense of knowing me a little, which might open the door a little for an aha! moment. One of the reasons same gender marriage is moving along so quickly now is that it is so much harder these days NOT to know someone who is gay - and it is much harder to hate a real life person than a concept. I don't have any illusions that this post will have a huge impact, but I hope it opens the door a crack for a little humanity to squeeze through.

[greatlaurel]

27. You are very courageous and a role model for us all

The combination of shame, guilt and grief are powerful. If only society could capture that energy to help instead of blame.

The news media drives us to hate whenever these sorts of things are in the media. It is so much easier to blame the family when something like this happens, rather than combat the problems in society that perpetuate tragedy. The Lanza family was dealing with a very ill young man. There are few resources for the mentally ill and their families, even for families with monetary resources. Little money goes into research for treatment of the mentally ill. The mental hospitals were always underfunded to begin with and Ronald Reagan destroyed what little was available. With modern research, just imagine where we could be in treating mental illness with thirty years of properly funded work. So much potential lost.

Our culture is judged and found wanting by our efforts to humanely help the troubled souls among with us.

[riderinthestorm]

15. I'm glad you posted this. I'm stunned at DUers ignorant vitriol aimed at family members

of criminals.

Thank you for sharing this intensely personal story.

[Ms. Toad]

29. You are welcome.

It takes a leap of imagination not to be ignorant if you have never had the experience of being (or knowing) a good parent (or sibling) to someone who commits atrocities. Some people make that leap intuitively - but many more need something more concrete. I'm hoping by sharing my story I can provide a little concrete spark of imagination.

[2theleft]

16. Kicking - everyone should read this story, Ms. Toad.

You are very brave for posting and I am in awe at your strength.

[Captain Stern]

18. Great post. Thanks for sharing. nt

[cally]

20. Thank you for sharing this

and reminding us to show compassion for all the family members.

[dionysus]

22. heartfelt, well written post..

[Ms. Toad]

30. Thank you. n/t

[pnwmom]

24. What a wonderful post, Ms. Toad. Thank you so much.

One of our young cousins has been struggling with a serious mental illness, leading to psychotic breaks. The parents and doctors are doing everything they can. People just don't know how impossibly hard it can be till they have walked for years in those shoes.

Thank you again for sharing.

[sabrina 1]

25. Thank you for your beautiful, compassionate post.

I have always felt great sympathy for the family members of those who commit these kinds of crimes.

I remember when the Amish children were murdered and the community reached out to the wife and father of the killer, inviting them to share their sorrow, recognizing theirs, I hoped it would help others to understand what I can only imagine must be incredible pain. They do not have even the slight comfort of even being recognized as grieving families who like the victims, have also lost, not just a loved one, but worse, must feel incredibly confused as to how they should feel, react, comprehend what has happened to them.

I wondered about Adam Lanza's family, they lost two people they loved and I do not believe it is right to assume anyone could have stopped the tragedy. I have no doubt none of them ever wanted, or even imagined what happened.

Thank you for sharing your own tragic story. Hopefully more people will resist the impulse to lash out at innocent people, also victims themselves.

[lapislzi]

28. Thank you for a wonderful post full of compassion.

And for realizing how difficult and necessary this is for everyone involved.

I pledge 28 mitzvahs in the coming days. Look out--you may be the victim of one of my love bombs.