My Girl’s A Vegetable: A Father’s Response To Isla Vista Shootings

[bloom]

http://lunalunamag.com/2014/05/30/isla-vista-shooting/


BY PAUL CRENSHAW

I didn’t get it. Not really. Despite the brilliant things many of my female friends were writing and tweeting and hashtagging, I didn’t get it. I agreed intellectually, because that’s what we do, us educated assholes, when we don’t feel it viscerally. When it’s not an anger that won’t quite go away, that smolders and burns and sometimes flames but never flames out, only begins smoldering again, always on the verge of being ignited by an offhand comment, a catcall or condemnation.

A whistle or a wink.

Or something much more sinister.

*

A few weeks ago, I set out to write about a cadence we called when I was in the military, but I gave it up because I didn’t think anyone would know the song, which was titled “My Girl’s a Vegetable” and tells the story of a man whose girlfriend lies in a coma in the hospital, hooked to machines. The refrain repeats the phrase “I would do anything to keep her alive,” which sounds loving and caring, but the verses tell us otherwise. The narrator makes fun of the girl, this girl he loves, this vegetable. “She’s got no arms or legs, that’s why I call her Peg” one section says, and the next follows with “One night I played a joke, pulled the plug and watched her choke.”

I was eighteen then, and had joined the military because my father and grandfather before me had served. I quit writing the essay because I didn’t think anyone would know what I was talking about. No one would understand. An obscure reference, they might say. Just a joke. Because men will be men. I wasn’t sure I could explain how this obscure cadence makes me feel twenty years later, as my two daughters approach womanhood. How a cadre of men who are often named heroes in this country called this cadence again and again and smiled at one another and laughed at the line that called her EKG a new TV, and that she had no hair, just patches of it here and there.

Truth was, I didn’t get it. Not when I was eighteen, not when I tried to write about it two weeks ago.... But late the afternoon of the day after Rodger went on his shooting spree, a shooting spree caused by women spurning him, as if they owed him something, as if it were their fault, as if sexual intercourse is a right men are owed and women are obliged to provide, two men in a car attempted to run over my 17 year old daughter. She had called me for a ride home from high school, I missed the call, and she decided to walk.... [read the rest at the link]

_______________

It's nice to know that more men are thinking about this - trying to understand.

As I have read some of these things, it sounds like it is getting worse for young women than it was a couple decades ago.

[Puglover]

1. Very powerful piece.

Thanks for posting.

[chervilant]

2. It is getting worse,

even on this "liberal" website, where those of us who continue to advocate for equality are attacked derisively, and then lectured about "misandry." Where the originators of this forum went months before responding to our concerns, then craftily created an unmoderated forum on which sexists and misogynists can spew their bile relatively unmolested.

Seriously, I am bookmarking this OP to see if the resident malicious misogynists show up to whinge...

[Starry Messenger]

4. ++++

[seaglass]

5. It seems to me that since Discussionist is the free-for-all option, then there should no longer be

resistance to tightening up the TOS regarding sexism and misogyny here. All those who don't like it now have a place to go. No loss of $$$$$s.

And to the article - the cadence the author was speaking of, I imagine many of the other men who repeated it daily would hear it again and it wouldn't stimulate any more emotion than fond memories of the past. We see it over and over again here, fathers, husbands, brothers, sons - don't get it. It's like some kind of contest where if you acknowledge someone else's pain, you lose points.

[Gormy Cuss]

8. Nope. Not going to happen.

Recently I asked Skinner about this in ATA. His reply? He ignored me, again.

[treestar]

14. Jury Jury Jury

Foreign language threads are allowed, only subject to whether the jury doesn't approve.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/12595961

[Gormy Cuss]

16. And juries will be spectacularly inconsistent on that

Last edited Sun Jun 1, 2014, 02:10 AM - Edit history (1)

just as they are on racist and sexist comments.

[seaglass]

15. That's good to know Gormy. I guess it's time to acknowledge that feminists aren't welcome here - or

at least the feminists who talk about feminism aren't welcome here.

[awoke_in_2003]

11. And it would be good riddance

to bad trash.

[1StrongBlackMan]

6. I know it can be unsettling ...

but do not let this "liberal website" represent anything close to a measure of the real world ... It is nowhere close.

For some real fun and games (and a peek at what DU really is), search out the thread that started with the question, is DU more or less liberal than the National Democratic Party" (or something like that).

[chervilant]

38. I've come to understand just that.

The racism and homophobia are just as bad as the sexism and misogyny.

[Louisiana1976]

26. +1000

[demigoddess]

3. it is getting worse

as an old lady, I can tell you it is getting worse. I had some experiences of harassment but not in high school. It seems to be starting earlier.

[DhhD]

7. There was a news story of a father that obtained a restraining order, for his daughter, against a

fellow classmate kindergarden boy.

http://www.wisn.com/news/Father-takes-out-restraining-order-to-protect-daughter-from-bullying/26008940

[Ino]

21. I was sexually harassed in kindergarten by a little boy

At naptime, he would always position his mat behind mine, so he could reach up my dress and touch me. (Girls HAD to wear skirts/dresses in those days, a custom which I'm convinced was adopted so males had easy access to them.) I'd get up and move; he would get up and move. This went on until the teacher would tell ME to stop moving around... hopefully before he had followed me.

The last day of school, the kindergarten class was walking downstairs to meet their parents. This little brat was behind me, as usual. He grabbed me around the throat, choking and pulling me backwards. My mother FINALLY witnessed the abuse; someone FINALLY believed me. She yanked him away from me.

Bless this father for believing his child.

[CrispyQ]

9. It is getting worse.

The things I read young girls go through is so much worse than when I was a teen.

[bloom]

31. My impression

is that like with the cadence, that boys/men in the past expressed their misogyny when they were not around girls/women - whereas now it is less hidden - and more in their face.

People who review porn also say that the porn has increasingly gotten more misogynistic, more hateful, more violent.

Of course, misogyny now has a large presence online, in mainstream movies, etc. The hate is more obvious now - more out in open. Watching old movies, women may have been treated well, but were often portrayed as being weak - in need of a powerful man, or as sluts / manipulative.

It is my impression from blog writers - that hate spewed to them has increased - in just the last 5 or 6 years. It is somewhat like men (online) are like boys in cars running girls off the road. Trying to make it difficult for women to be public with their thoughts. They are trying to counteract attempts to make the world more open to women, more equal, more of what we consider to be 'civilized'. I see it as the men are aware that other men are doing that - so they feel free to pile on, to be hateful, to be like the boys in the car. The 'good old boys' of the 21st century.

[CrispyQ]

35. The internet has enabled the cowards.

We're not getting any nicer, that's for sure. There seems to be a mindset that if something can be done, it should be done, regardless of the consequences to our society. We're becoming more base as our standards sink into the cesspool. I don't know how to reverse the trend, short of educating people. but I worry that the genie is out of the bottle & we are sliding backwards in so many ways.

[mountain grammy]

10. It's always been here. Has it gotten worse in the 50 years since I was a teen?

I really don't think so, but it was acceptable then. I didn't even know the word 'misogyny' for many years, but I damn sure knew what it was, like every woman does.

Good article, thank you.

[smallcat88]

12. Good article

Never heard that cadence before but it proves that a lot of this attitude is embedded in our society. We need more good fathers who teach their daughters how to not be victims. I was lucky, I had a father like that. I've never been a victim. Teach your daughters to be strong and your sons that compassion and gentleness are not signs of weakness but strength.

[Hekate]

13. That took my breath away

You teach your girls not to get in a stranger's car, not how to run from one trying to deliberately run her down....

[Tsiyu]

17. Because she has already learned at her young age that this is the way women must walk in this world

That sentence hits home.

And his talking about how he suddenly realized how women must live their lives, even just walking out the door.

Because of all the violence I endured, for a time my PTSD was so bad, I could not make myself leave the house. I would get dressed, get ready to leave, and I would get to the door and just stare at the doorknob.

My fear was paralyzing. I am better now. I live in a quiet, rural place where I do not have to feel fear. I sleep with guns nearby and a sweet pup who lets me know if someone is outside.

"You bark; I'll shoot," I tell him.

I do not want to live in this kind of world. But when a judge dismissed the abuse my children and I suffered as being "my fault" I realized I had to protect myself. The cops weren't gonna protect me. The courts weren't gonna protect me.

Years later, I can't sleep at night very well. When I do fall asleep, I wake up in terror, sometimes crying out at nothing there and covered in sweat. The nightmares can ruin the next day.

It's just the way it is.

But posts like this dad's are somehow a salve, they let me know that there is hope if we speak out.



K&R

[freshwest]

18. Can relate to so much of this. It's always been this way, but not discussed. Take care, Tsiyu.

[Tsiyu]

23. Thanks

some days it seems like the evil always wins

You take care yourself

[Sissyk]

19. Tsiyu

[Tsiyu]

24. Sissyk

back atcha

[RainDog]

20. hugs to you

I know something that's really, really useful for those nightmares and the anxiety of dealing with the aftermath of abuse. Unfortunately, it's illegal where you are...

sigh.

[Tsiyu]

25. Yeah I just posted the same thing in the other thread

but that's okay.

Since Obama and Holderand Haslam and the legislature of Tennessee refuse to reschedule cannabis, they just have to suffer my wrath at them.

Cannabis is a miracle for someone with PTSD. It really is. The only side effect is that I gain weight because I actually have an appetite.

But in my state, I am a criminal for seeking relief.

Someday I will be able to move to a more sane place and I won't be such a hateful nuisance on message boards

[Legender75]

33. PTSD

This is not to play-down your PTSD, nor do I want to suggest that you haven't done everything you can for the PTSD.
However, I got rid of my bad flashbacks and the high reactivity by doing lots of bodywork and working with Landmark Worldwide. The former includes brain-work (ala Bruno Chikly - amazing stuff that almoost immediately downgraded the flashbacks. I was bombed during WWII and so going under a railway bridge when a train was on it would trigger the most awful of flashbacks - and initially I had not clue why), anyway, other stuff includes using medical food (to feed my body so that it would be less reactive), and taking the Landmark Forum (which gives you a completely different take on the same circumstances)
And lastly, I am really, really sorry that this happened to you. It should never have even been thought of that treating a human being this way was OK.
I wish you wellness and joy.
Susan.

[Tsiyu]

34. Welcome to DU, Susan!

Thank you for your post.

Things are much better now. I've learned that isolating myself doesn't really protect me from the effects of PTSD. Isolation is still soothing to me when I need to back off from society for a while, but getting out and helping others and having the support of others has made me more whole.

Last week I had some horrific panic attacks over something going on with one of my sons. It's embarrassing and debilitating and it happened while working. But everyone at the non-profit knows what my deal is and they supported me and were there for me and helped talk me down.

Good people are the key to my healing. But cannabis helps. Some day I will live where I can have it available when I need it.

And yeah, flashbacks really suck. They are so random and can be triggered from the most mundane things: a song, a smell, something someone says.

I have no money for treatment. I started a fundraiser but it went wonky and I had to just end it. Many people here and IRL contributed and it kept me going for a while. My state did not accept ACA funds.

But Friday a gal gave me the name of a place here that operates on a sliding scale and when I get a few bucks to spare I am going to go see them.

I will check out your Landmark deal, but I hope it's not Scientology!

Anyhoo, welcome again to DU

[bloom]

37. Welcome and thanks for adding to the discussion!

[Flying Squirrel]

22. When I was in the army

the phrase went, "I don't buy her anything, 'cause she's gonna die!"

It was the most repulsive cadence we sang, beating out "A yellow bird" and "Tiny bubbles" (you probably don't want to hear the punch lines of those ones.)

Things were changing a bit in the Army back then, however (1986) because for awhile they stopped singing some of these cadences "because we have civilian visitors who are complaining about them."

No idea what it's like now.

[mwrguy]

27. Rape culture & misogyny runs so deep in the military, I don't know if it can be fixed

[niyad]

28. it is most definitely getting worse--and witness the attacks we endure for pointing this out.

[ninjanurse]

29. Swerve

It's a joke boys liked to play, a generation ago when I was young. Swerve their car toward a girl or girls and drive away laughing. I think they did run a girl down in Providence. My husband, who is Black, was nearly run over deliberately when he was a schoolchild crossing the street, his nephew had the same thing happen years later.
A gang of men in a car will do evil things that none of them would have the nerve to do individually.

[bettyellen]

36. Stopped riding my bike around after some fucker tried to slap my ass.

And yeah, the swerve thing was fairly frequent. Assholes.

[bloom]

30. My experience walking home from high school

was quite a bit different.

It was a 5 mile walk. Pretty late (my mother forgot to get me) - I didn't get home until 11 or so. When I was about a half a mile from my house a policeman stopped and picked up - probably being worried about me. I was a little afraid to get in his car, was the only thing - because you never know. It was fine. I think he felt good about himself like he was walking an old woman across the street.

In middle school, I remember being groped in he hallway, and being mad. There was the occasional rude comment, the catcalls. In high school, I was raped by a supposed 'teacher. It's complicated how that came to be - but he was referred by the school - so I always held the school somewhat responsible.

My daughter is so sensitive to the idea of abuse, that she does not want to even hear about it, will not watch movies that feature it, etc.

One never really knows what another experiences. I never told my parents about what happened to me.

[classykaren]

32. We need to get it together in here

We may be getting many new members since Huffington Post just made a horrible change in their posting requirements. Now besides having to post your comments through Facebook Starting Monday at noon. Any comment you make on Huffington will be on your wall for all to see. Everyone is saying Good Bye. The gun nuts will now know about your family and were you live. Your employer will now know you support Unions and didn't vote the way he told you too. One long time member gave his email address for suggestions on were to go. I wrote and suggested this site which I usually love.