Stuff and More Stuff - A Moving Tale

[MineralMan]

About three weeks ago, my wife and I helped move her mother into an assisted living apartment. It took a weekend, and her mom was enthusiastic about the idea. Three weeks later, my MIL has embraced her new community, is eating better, and is actively taking part in many of the activities that happen every day there. Yesterday, she got a new, shorter haircut at the in-facility beauty shop and introduced us to a whole range of new friends she's already made when we joined her for a meal in the very nice dining room there. We're excited by all this new interest that has transformed her from how weary and old she appeared to be in her old house.

Now, we're looking at her old house in a new light, and so is she. Like many elders, she has a lifetime of accumulated stuff, generated over her 8+ decades. It's in boxes. It's on the floor. It's in closets. It's crammed into every nook and cranny of her house. Some of it is still in the boxes it was in when she and her late husband moved to the house just over 10 years ago. The volume of it is daunting, to say the least, and the house needs to be sold sooner than later to help pay for the rest of her life in her new surroundings.

My MIL's three daughters are all in town right now and are contemplating all of this, with me serving as the more-or-less disinterested party and pack mule. Clearly, the week they're all together is not going to suffice for the process of clearing out this accumulation, and soon it will just be my wife and I who will be responsible for managing it.

Mom has come over a few times to participate, but soon gets lost in looking through this box or that box for things she must keep for one reason or another. Her daughters are sort of in the same loop, searching for hidden treasures, like old Mother's Day cards they made in grammar school and the like. Progress is slow. In fact, progress is almost non-existent. Things are being moved around and inspected, but that's about it.

I, on the other hand, take a different perspective. I can open a box, look at it briefly, and know that nothing it contains is likely to be of interest in the long view. A box full of old bank statements and newspaper clippings from 25 years ago, or a box of miscellaneous kitchen utensils that was never opened after the last move. Such a box will eventually end up in the big roll-off dumpster that we'll eventually have dropped off in the driveway. Same with boxes of old clothes and mementos from the daughters' childhoods. The thrift stores don't even want any of that stuff, nor do they want the old crockpot that was put away when the new one was purchased. So far, I've found four old crockpots. It's all too old, too out of fashion, and too thoroughly used up to be of interest.

But, at this stage, everyone but me is still in the "Wait! I need look through that." mode. I'm biding my time. I'm acting as the mule who carries such boxes to Mom and the daughters so they can look through them and then tell me what I knew before. The next stage is still to begin. When everyone tires of looking through every box and failing to find any real treasures inside, it will be time to call for the roll-off dumpster and begin the wholesale discarding process. Eventually, everything will accelerate and we'll get down to the real, somewhat sad business of discarding a lifetime of accumulation.

I'm patient. I can wait. I know that the next stage will begin soon. Everyone needs to find a few treasures that are hidden away, but eventually weariness of peering into musty boxes will set in and we can get down to clearing away.

Both of my parents are now 90 years old. Far too soon, I'll be flying to California for a couple of weeks to repeat this process with my own siblings. My parents have lived in the same house for almost 50 years. It's a farmhouse, and it and the outbuildings there are full of the same kind of accumulation.

Stuff and more stuff. Life changes and more life changes. Looking around my own house, I can see that I, too, have a similar accumulation of stuff. I should get started on clearing it away, so someone else won't have to. I'm 69 years old, after all. Will I do that? Probably not. Oh, well...

[Ron Obvious]

1. You're a lucky man

To still have your parents around at your age. I lost mine relatively young, and clearing out their house when I was in my late thirties and early forties was melancholy work. We couldn't keep anything that couldn't go on the flight back home, and a lifetime of memories wound up in the dumpster. It wasn't easy.

I still have about 40 boxes of slides and 8mm films I'll need to digitise some day, but I don't seem to be able to muster the energy.

[MineralMan]

5. I am lucky. I call my parents every day now,

just to keep them close, even though I live 2/3 across the country from them now.

[Arugula Latte]

2. It's a good reminder to purge-as-you go through life.

I spend a lot of my time dealing with stuff -- what to donate, what to sell on eBay, what to sell on Craigslist, what is simply trash. It is time consuming. I'm amazed that, after years of keeping up with stuff and not letting stuff pile up, there is ALWAYS more stuff to get rid of. But you have to keep at it, if you care about the people who will follow you. Also, a clutter-free life is so much better than a cluttered life.

P.S. I think Goodwill will take clothes in almost any condition because they bundle up the unwearable stuff to sell to the international rag trade (where it's made into furniture stuffing and the like).

[MineralMan]

6. Yes. A good idea, that somehow we never get around to doing.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

3. Stuff breeds.

Our family went through something similar when my mother passed away and dad moved to a senior apartment - 60 years' worth of stuff had to be sorted and moved. We kept some, gave some to Goodwill or wherever, and tossed the rest, but it took awhile. And even so, Dad managed to cram quite a lot into his apartment. Then more recently he passed away, too, age 92, and we had to go through the process again. We discovered he'd kept phone bills, bank statements and the like dating back at least 20 years; that all went into the shredder. I still have a few boxes of his stuff in a corner of my living room and in the garage with no idea what to do with it. My brother, who has more room than I do, has a basement full of his and Mom's stuff. A lot of it is family stuff that's been passed down since God knows when, and you hate to get rid of it. There are also a few metric tons of photographs, and Dad's computer with all the old photos he scanned. And dishes, silverware, furniture, doodads and knicknacks, and lots and lots of tools. I now have a table saw that I'm afraid of (power tools scare me). One of these days I'll figure out what to do with all this stuff. And then there's my own stuff....

[MineralMan]

7. It does, indeed.

I purged my stuff 10 years ago, when we moved from California to Minnesota. Since then, though, I seem to have accumulated as much as I purged.

[BeyondGeography]

4. That's why, ultimately, I was thankful that a snake crawled into my basement last month

It got in under a screen door and wound up in an area filled with 35 years worth of accumulated schtuff. So many boxes we couldn't find the damned thing, which, after laying glue traps and calling in all sorts of real and imagined snake experts, we concluded found its way out through a crack between the foundation and the house itself.

But, to be sure, I put on boots and gloves and cleared out the room. This is very physically demanding work, as you know, the type that I find very easy to put off in my mid-50s. You have to get the boxes into an open space, go through them (which can be occasionally emotional, especially since you are in a weakened and agitated state to begin with), then lug them once again to their final destination. At the end of the day though, a dozen boxes were consolidated into two plastic containers.

So I thank the snake, who was still nowhere to be seen and is surely gone. Right?

[MineralMan]

9. I certainly hope the snake is gone.

[haele]

8. We just moved a month ago; two and a half households worth of stuff.

Last time we moved, three years ago, we filled a 12 x 8 x 8 hauling truck with "dumpster junk", the broken, worthless, and stained items that weren't worth anything; cheap furniture, old trash and clutter that never got thrown away ( a household full of teenagers, pets, and a disabled spouse gets very cluttered very quickly when the only person who seems to be capible of cleaning also works full time...).
This time (hopefully the last time, as we finally bought our place), there was far less clutter, but we had collected half a garage-sized storage room of the spouse's household items from out of state before we got married over a decade ago which hadn't been really gone through. So for the next two months or so, we're unpacking boxes and tossing items that have no value (after we pull out the tax documents and child support paperwork, does he really need the 7/8's of a box full of newspaper flyer inserts, old pay stubs, and utility and credit card bills from 1997 - 1999 that is left over?) every weekend. Just as "do I really need that box full of cheap, chipped grocery store dishes collected from various thrift stores over the last quarter of the 20th century?"

It's tough slogging, but we have to do it. I'm 55 and don't want to leave my stepdaughter and her family with too much to deal with when our time comes, so it's best to shed the excess clutter before I can't deal with it any more and try to organize things so we can get maybe a cleaner in once a week once we're able to start saving money.

The trick going forward is to throw things out that need to be thrown out before they start to collect and giving anything usable to thrift stores once we're done.

Haele

[MineralMan]

10. Accumulation never ends.

The best we can do is to shed some of it from time to time.

[JustAnotherGen]

11. We moved into our first

"Together purchased" home last October.

We had moved into a 'together' apartment when we got engaged because I refused to live in my husband's house where he has several apartments. You start new together.

So we had to move -

A 2 bedroom apartment.

A basement (In his Piscataway house)

2 large storage areas.

We thought long and hard - and decided to start our new house with very little 'stuff'. We also ask ourselves on a regular basis as "How much do I need?"

We never get enough of music and movies and books and art supplies (my husband) - that's good stuff. But we think before we buy.

And we have also made really good use of a scanner. I lost my dad 2 years ago next week and I found so many cards with his signature on them. The only person that holds value to is me. So I scanned them- then recycled.

Some stuff has meaning - but other stuff? You just gotta take the leap. Or not get it in the first place. I have noticed our charitable dollars (In particular at a local food bank) have increased when I reviewed our finances at the mid year point. Know what? If it doesn't bring genuine joy, make me money or feed my soul - I don't need it.


And the 'scanning' thing - my mom. She actually did that to old art projects and things we did as kids. In some cases she had to shrink them down at Staples into 8 1/2 by 11 inches - then scan them. But she learned when my dad died - it's just stuff. She can always open them up on her laptop if she wants to look at them.

[MineralMan]

12. Thanks. It's a common human experience, for sure.

[jwirr]

13. LOL I lived in a highrise for a while and that is the biggest problem children have with taking care

of their parents things after they move. One family took EVERYTHING out to the dumpster without even asking if anyone in the building could use anything. The manager was really mad. We loaded all of my grandmothers things in van's after dividing them between the families and went through them at home.

On the other hand I have been getting rid of my things for several years now. I watched all these other kids go through the effort and decided I would do it before they had to.

Don't forget rummage sales. They are fun. Or at least they are when you are the buyer.

[a kennedy]

14. My mom started the "cleaning" process quite a few years before she passed away, and boy was that

a great thing for us when she did pass away. She had pretty much all the junk stuff cleared out and all we had to do was go through "her" things and a lot of my dad's stuff, but we didn't have a big job really at all. Loved her for that so much. Have heard horror stories of family coming in after a death and just having fits and fights about stuff. So happy our mother put an end to it by having it practically all done for us. Loved her and miss her too.

[Jim Lane]

19. I'm also grateful to my mother.

She had the same thought as your mother. Her problem was that her physical limitations made it hard for her to do much. The local senior center put her in touch with a woman who would help her for an hourly rate, which was great for a retiree like my widowed mother, receiving adequate income but needing the help.

She didn't get as far as your mother did. I still have quite a bit of decluttering to do, even after several trips to the thrift shop. Compared to what it could have been, though, I'm glad she began thinking about "I hate to leave all this stuff behind to be dealt with when I'm gone."

[Blue_Adept]

15. My father passed away last Sunday

My mother and I are in the process of cleaning out his office. At 70, he was a huge collector of stuff, but stuff that has no real value. Backups of computers from a decade or two ago. Tons of just plain junk, stuff never used, unwrapped.

It's surprisingly easy in determining what stays and what goes. The majority is going into the recycling.

it definitely colors your view of what you keep for yourself so as to not burden not only your kids - but yourself.

[TBF]

16. My advice to anyone is label photos -

I am pretty good at purging but still have more I would like to sort through and sell/donate/discard. I keep thinking "I'll do that when we move" because we talk about getting a different house but haven't done it yet. But after cleaning out a parent's home my interest in minimalizing has resurfaced. There were treasures to be sure - things we found that had been in the family a very long time. But some became discards such as boxes of photos that looked quite old but were not labeled and there is no one left to tell us who they might have been. So, label your photos to help your kids out.

[catchnrelease]

23. I give a resounding 'yes' to your advice

I have unintentionally become the family historian as I have been working on our genealogy for a couple decades. Many years ago a distant cousin from Wisconsin sent me 2 OLD, as in late 1800/early 1900 albums. I was thrilled to say the least. They were full of the old photos on cards and even quite a few tintypes.

Were any of them labeled? NO! I don't think but one or two had any names to identify the people in the pictures. Some we could figure out matching them with later pictures but for the most part we don't know who they all are. It's so frustrating, to think some of the people could be our multi-great grandparents but we don't know for sure. I know that some of them are just friends of our relatives so I don't need to keep those. So I still have the albums, don't want to throw them away in case some how, some way an ID might surface from another source.

So now I tell everyone in our family write the name on the photo please!!!! Help out somebody down the line that won't know who we all are just by looking at the pictures.

[littlemissmartypants]

17. I feel your pain. Bless you for your patience. nt

[mopinko]

18. i have taken to shedding as much as i can.

had all the kids, and the hubby, fly the nest in the last 2 years.
they left a big mess behind that i am still sorting. but i have quelled my urge to collect, for now anyway.
determined not to leave a mess behind.
trying to get those "someday" projects done on the house, so that will not be hanging over my head when the "big ole house" days are over for me.

that said, those big dumpsters always make me sad. i have dived into many of them, and feel for the women (usually it is the women) who have amassed so many cool things, only to have them tossed.
and i also know that- i wonder what ever happened to mom's xyz. so sorry that got lost. i have a few things that nobody wanted of my mom's, including an ancient photo album full of pictures of people i dont know. that was why my sisters didnt care about it. they felt it would require figuring that out. i dont care. hell, half of them ARE labeled.

anyway, for the drudge of it. it is good they have you there. they will give way at some point, and you will be there to lead.

old age is not for the timid. that much is sure. but i dont think it is bestowed upon them quite as often. or so i tell myself.

[MineralMan]

20. I, too, am often saddened by seeing those roll-off

dumpsters, and used to frequent estate sales. I've seen some very sad things at those, like the photo albums you mentioned. At one estate sale, which I went to because there were thousands of books for sale, I found three cardboard containers on the bookshelves that contained the cremated remains of family members.

I picked the three containers up and took them downstairs where some family members were present and quietly told someone that I had found them upstairs in the bookshelf. The reaction was a shrug. I left without buying anything immediately. They didn't care that their relative's remains were there and hadn't even seen them. They simply didn't care.

[TBF]

24. The thing about estate sales -

is that you don't get much $$$ for the stuff anyway. If you have some really amazing antiques you might get something but for the most part these are just glorified rummage sales. Pare down while you're younger so your kids don't have to deal with that. We are out of state so it is a real hassle to get anything done & we have to invariably hire someone to help (we are still dealing with that part - trying to get rid of everything so we can sell the house).

[MineralMan]

25. My MIL just doesn't have enough great stuff

for an estate sale. We may hold a driveway sale at some point, but I rather doubt it. Too damned much work for a few hundred bucks.

[TBF]

29. Exactly.

We thought my in laws had pretty decent stuff but not worth moving most of it cross-country. But nothing super valuable - just the normal furniture, appliances, TV etc. The estate sales person gets 40% and then siblings split the proceeds. It's really not worth it.

[colorado_ufo]

21. An easy way to start is to immediately donate or dispose of any practical items you replace -

like the aforementioned crockpots. Pass them on, while someone can use them! If you are a card save, save the ones that mean a lot to you; they don't take up very much room, even after 80 years. But toss the birthday cards from your insurance man after glancing at them with appreciation. For school souvenirs, go through them with your (adult) kids and make an occasion of it. Some of it may be meaningful to you both; some things - nobody cares about any more! Old receipts and financial records (unless your tax professional indicates otherwise) should be shredded on a routine basis, after 10 years. Don't accumulate things: You really don't need more than about two sets of sheets for the bed and maybe three tablecloths. Same with kitchen equipment. Buy GOOD stuff and minimize gadgets. Take your time, but keep at it a little at a time. To leave the entire job for a major life change, such as a move to assisted living, is overwhelming and nearly impossible. And, truly important things can be lost!

[Dustlawyer]

22. Right there with you. Mom is moving in and we are planning one hell of a garage sale!

Most of my furniture is going to make room for hers (I have no emotional attachment to mine). I am using the occasion to get rid of my accumulated stuff, especially since I will need all of the room I can get for the things she cannot part with. The whole thing is very hard on her as she misses her own home and is extremely independent. A recent fall has forced the issue and this is better than moving into a "Home." I am glad to help and she will do wonders for my yard (she is a Master Gardener and it keeps her happier and healthier.

Hope my kids are paying attention!

[catchnrelease]

26. Sounds familiar

Your description of your MIL's change sounds so much like my husband's grandmother. She was in her 90's and still living alone in her home, so husband and his aunt finally convinced her to--reluctantly--move into an assisted living place. The change in her was great! She also got a new hair cut, going from the older lady curls to a smooth bob and when she was showing it off to us she was like a teenager! It was really cute. She went bowling for the first time in her life, albeit from a wheelchair. Went to the dances that the facility put on, although she said when a man asked her to dance she declined because she was a married woman. (She had been widowed for a billion years at that point!)

I wish we could have gotten her in there earlier so she could have had fun longer instead of living alone. She died at 99 after being knocked down by the automatic doors when leaving her doctors office, where ironically she'd just gotten a routine check-up and a clean bill of health. What a joke. But at least she got a few years of being a party animal before she went, lol.

[MineralMan]

27. Yes, it's been a real transformation for her.

That part of it we're really enjoying, and wish we had been able to convince her to try it earlier.

[SheilaT]

28. Your wife and her sisters are very lucky to have you

as a reasonably disinterested outsider to help with this.

So many people never thrown out things that should be thrown out. Frankly, your kids' artwork can mostly be tossed after a couple of years. I framed about four things I especially liked, and I still have a couple of ceramic projects they did. I only had two children which of course helps. And honestly, most birthday or Mother's Day cards don't need to be kept forever.

Moving frequently does help.

I live in a city (Santa Fe) where almost no one uses their garage to park their cars. Instead, almost every garage is totally filled with stuff and the streets and driveways are choked with cars. It is my opinion that if you've got so much stuff in the garage that there's no room for the car, you have too much stuff and it's time to clear out most of it.

I'm not doing quite as good a job as I should about clearing out my unused stuff, such as old clothes, but when I bought a new bread machine recently, the other one, which no longer worked, went straight into the trash. But I should be working more systematically on my stuff. And my car is in my garage, even as I type.