What can society do the make it less acceptable to beat your wife or girlfriend?

[boston bean]

Is there anything that can be done. Do we continue to blame women who stay in these relationships for a multitude of reasons where the root of that decision is based upon their abuse?

The questions people ought to be asking are this:

What makes so many men violent toward women? - 1 in 4 women face domestic abuse
Why aren't punishments harsher for the offender? - so many women are killed trying to leave
What can society do to make this less acceptable? - we can stop blaming the victim, no?

Because asking the question, "why did she stay with him", makes it about the victim and essentially places the blame there.

Please stop making it about her and focus your attention where it belongs. On the abuser.

[elleng]

1. Society has said it's not acceptable,

but it will continue for reasons of personal weakness, 'human nature.'

[YoungDemCA]

2. Challenge the power relations in society that favor men at the expense of women

Whether they be political, economic, institutional, or personal in nature. This stuff goes far beyond de jure discrimination, and in many ways is more insidious and persistent.

[snooper2]

3. It is already not acceptable,

If everyone would just come together and cook like EPIC MEAL TIME there would be no more anger in the World- Newest episode came out today---


Chinese BBQ

[Android3.14]

4. News outlets

Local news outlets should publish the names of the people the police charge with domestic assault. Local advocacy groups should maintain a list on a public web page of charged or convicted local domestic abusers.

Each local post office should have the pictures/names of known domestic abusers on their wall.

[smirkymonkey]

19. Good idea.

Shame works.

[Shivering Jemmy]

32. Why charged?

Why not convicted?

[Android3.14]

35. Both

All too often victims drop the charges on their abusers. I'd love to see a local list in public places that lists the names of people that police have charged with domestic (and child) abuse and there should be a designation for those that police charged and the courts convicted.

[Niceguy1]

38. I support

Shaming the convicted only. Just because you are accused doesnt mean that you did it. As the song goes...girls lie too.

[Johonny]

5. Prosecute!

I don't get all the NFL this and that crap people want to talk about. No one wants to talk about the golden get out of jail free card given to Ray Rice and so many other people. The excuse is always that the spouse didn't cooperate with the DA. They had video and still they did practically nothing. It isn't enough to have laws if we don't have people in position of the justice system willing to push for prosecution. I really don't care for "corporate" justice like people want and encourage the NFL to impose. I don't think societies answer is to let our companies compensate for our legal system. Without more guilty verdicts handed out I don't see anything positive coming from this avenue of pursuit the media loves to talk about. Time and time again the legal system seems to not work in these cases even though clearly society doesn't accept this behavior and more to the point has laws directly aimed at it. It is a conundrum. It would help if the media talked more about what our legal system should do rather than corporate America, but so far it doesn't appear to be happening.

[ann---]

28. I don't think that prosecutors should

require that the victim press charges before charging the abuser with a crime. It should not be up to her. It should be about the LAW against assault and battery.

[marions ghost]

39. right

---

[Jackpine Radical]

6. I think this has its roots in something very deep and very sick

in our patriarchal culture. First, it seems to descend from the notion that women and kids are property, and second, that one may do as one wishes with his property.

The solution is not simple; I think it requires some very basic transformative shifts in our culture--in particular, a shift away from patriarchy to what Eisler called a "partnership" culture. This would include a devaluation of competitive, selfish, winner/loser values and the rediscovery of a cooperative, compassionate and nurturant ethos.

There is no instant transformative process that I know of. However, like many things in life, one must struggle toward it as best one can, by influencing those within your sphere, by serving as a model to those around you, by teaching the children, by finding and participating in like-minded groups, by volunteering at womens shelters, homeless shelters, and food pantries, etc.

And by speaking out, as you so consistently do on this board.

[OneGrassRoot]

23. Great post.

As a follower of Riane Eisler, I was thinking many of the same things.

[marions ghost]

40. +++++

ditto, well said

[raccoon]

44. Boy, what a great society that would be to live in!

a shift away from patriarchy to what Eisler called a "partnership" culture. This would include a devaluation of competitive, selfish, winner/loser values and the rediscovery of a cooperative, compassionate and nurturant ethos.

[Jim__]

7. The larger issue is that we accept violence as a solution to problems.

Back in the 90s, in my neighborhood, a man walked into the local Albertson's and shot his estranged wife, shot the manager when he went over to try to help her, and shot the first cop to arrive on the scene. Those 3 were killed. He may have wounded some others. I can't remember.

But after that I remember stories in the newspapers about talking to this guy's friends (his friends from the bar) and they all said things like, "Oh yeah. That's John. That's the way he is. If anybody gets in his way, why he'd just shoot 'em."

I wondered at the time, how could his friends find that an acceptable attitude. And, I think it's a very common attitude. We all have to own our own personal guns just in case any problems arise. As long as we have our guns, we can handle the problems. If violence is a acceptable solution to a problem why would we expect that we would reject violence as a solution to domestic problems?

I'm not sure how we change our society to be less violent; but, I think that's what is required to address the issue of domestic violence.

[LadyHawkAZ]

11. Not just *a* solution, but the first resort solution

I agree, it's one symptom of a larger societal problem that needs to be addressed.

[Blue_Adept]

25. It's American Exceptionalism

These guys just believe that they are the cock of the walk and they act like this in every aspect of their life. Most of it is behind closed doors, but a lot of it shows in public as well because they were brought up with that whole "I'm the best/special snowflake there is" and they think they can get away with everything.

[marions ghost]

41. Yes

'entitlement" is instilled from birth...

[one_voice]

8. More prosections and harsher punishments...

no excuses.

[Blue_Adept]

26. Let's avoid zero tolerance laws on it though

That's a dangerous road to go down.

[phil89]

9. Encourage victims not to defend

Their abuser and rationalize/justify his crimes.

[justiceischeap]

10. This is not going to turn out well for you. nt

[Prophet 451]

12. I think there's several things that can be done

Firstly, I think we need to prosecute domestic abusers more and more effectively.

Secondly, I think we need to change a societally constructed gender role for men which is, arguably, as toxic as the one for women. We still accept that men will be violent, we still accept bar brawls and similar. We need to change that perception that violence, outside of sports, is an acceptable response to anything. I think we need to do something about childhood bullying for the same reason.

While I don't think our society condones domestic violence exactly, we also don't take it as seriously as we should (and, if a man is the victim, it's often dismissed by many). It needs to be seen as "unmanly" (for lack of a better term).

Finally, sports need to start banning domestic abusers. Ray should be banned from football and War Machine should be banned from MMA.

[leftstreet]

16. That it's even called 'domestic' violence says a lot n/t

[Prophet 451]

21. I'm afraid I don't follow you

Could you clarify what you mean for me?

[leftstreet]

30. ??

I thought it was self-evident

While I don't think our society condones domestic violence exactly, we also don't take it as seriously as we should

You're correct. And part of the problem is calling what would be assault/battery on a neighbor, 'domestic violence' when it's a family member

[Prophet 451]

33. Right, now I'm with you

Sorry, I'm obviously slightly slow today.

[leftstreet]

29. wrong spot

[hobbit709]

13. what can society do to make it less acceptable to beat ANYONE?

[boston bean]

15. I am speaking of domestic violence perpetrated upon women.

there are different dynamics, which call for unique solutions and the discussion can stand on its own.

Speaking of it in specific ways, does not mean that any other type of violence is ok.

[Nye Bevan]

14. Boycott celebrities like Chris Brown who beat up their girlfriends.

Don't go to their concerts or buy their songs.

Boycott any sports teams that keep known abusers on the team as opposed to immediately cutting them.

Legally, treat a man who hits his girlfriend or wife exactly the same as if a stranger had approached her and done the same thing.

[jwirr]

17. What we need is for society (the police, the NFL, courts, etc.) to start taking it seriously. All

too often violence is treated like the victim does not deserve to be heard. This has to change: NO ONE deserves to be treated violently.

[loyalsister]

18. I have wondered if it would be useful to look at our cultural history

I think entertainment media reflects where we have been and where we are now.
Consider old movies where at some point in romantic dramas a man would slap his lover, or less frequently, vice versa. The idea that it was a problem or anything dysfunctional was not even considered.
I think a thorough evaluation of how that reflection has coincided with laws and cultural perceptions could be valuable way to think about where we could go.
The history of domestic abuse in America could also include how the acceptability of child abuse has evolved.

I know that education re: pathology exists. Why not include how it has manifested through time? Could it be a part of women's studies or other fields of study that touch on violence?

[Nye Bevan]

22. Also, song lyrics that suggest or condone domestic violence (nt)

[loyalsister]

46. Definitely

Last edited Wed Sep 10, 2014, 02:55 PM - Edit history (1)

It is well represented in country, heavy metal, and rap. So, it would give a good examination. Country songs from the 70s were very violent, Boy Named Sure, Fist City, etc...
It's my understanding that there has been some improvement. In heavy metal I just remembered Janey's Got A Gun. Good that they addressed, not so good that the center of the story is a violent solution. It's a valuable story, but not the best example of justice.

[pnwmom]

20. Boycott 50 Shades. n/t

[Blue_Adept]

24. Society already finds it unacceptable

But the vocal minority is louder so it sounds like it is acceptable. The best advice is to just keep on doing what we're doing to change the narrative. There are no overnight changes that can be done in any society, never mind one as large and interconnected and diverse as what we have.

Time will change things further. Hell, just looking at the last 20 years of changes in regards to the gay marriage issue has shown such a drastic change that it's boggling. But it still took 20 years and there's more to go - and there will always be those that will be loudly against these things.

[ann---]

27. Exactly what is being done to

Ray Rice. Nail him for a serious crime with the video which he cannot deny. Fire him from his job and shun him. I think abusers will get the message.

Football isn't the only "job" where a person loses a job for committing a crime.

[One_Life_To_Give]

31. Break the Cycle

I suspect you will find that too many people learn this behavior growing up. We need to prevent it from being taught to future generations. And that means supporting people to get themselves and kids out of such situations and putting perpetrators of violence where they can't continue the pattern.

[grasswire]

34. we could have less tolerance for violence in movies and TV.

So much of it is just violence for shock value or some perverted titillation.

I can't speak to games; I don't play them. But I do surf through TV and see show after show filled with anger followed by violence, mindless stranger violence, domestic abuse, so much more.

Stop supporting it.

[Starry Messenger]

36. Our society rewards sociopathic behavior in both the public and private sphere.

The abuse meted out to women is a reflection of how society treats women. The more our rights are eroded, I'm afraid there will be more and more abuse, which is a form of hate crime.

http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/08/from-why-does-he-do-that-inside-minds.html

An abusive man subtly or overtly imposes a system in which he is exempt from the rules and standards that he applies to you. He may allow himself to have occaisonal affairs, "because men have their needs," but if you so much as gaze at another man, you're a "whore". He may scream in arguments, but if you raise your voice, you're "hysterical". He may pick up one of your children by the ear, but if you grab your son and put him in timeout for punching you in the leg, you're a "child abuser". He can leave his schedule open and flexible while you have to account for your time. He can point out your faults, while setting himself above criticism, so that he doesn't have to deal with your complaints or be confronted with the effects of his selfish and destructive actions. The abusive man has the privilege of living by a special set of criteria that were designed just for him.

Glance back quickly over this impressive collection of privileges. Is it any wonder that abusive men are reluctant to change? The benefits of abuse are a major social secret, rarely mentioned anywhere. Why? Largely because abusers are specialists in distracting our attention. They don't want anyone to notice how well this system is working for them (and usually don't even want to admit it to themselves). If we caught on, we would stop feeling sorry for them and instead start holding them accountable for their actions. As long as we see abusers as victims, or as out-of-control monsters, they will continue getting away with ruining lives. If we want abusers to change, we will have to require them to give up the luxury of exploitation.

When you are left feeling hurt or confused after a confrontation with your controlling partner, ask yourself: What was he trying to get out of what he just did? What is the ultimate benefit to him? Thinking through these questions can help you clear your head and identify his tactics.

Certainly the abusive man also loses a great deal through his abusiveness. He loses the potential for genuine intimacy in his relationship, for example, and his capacity for compassion and empathy. But these are often not things that he values, so he may not feel their absence. And even if he would like greater intimacy, that wish is outweighed by his attachment to the benefits of abuse.

We have the end the double standard.

[raccoon]

45. Great post. nt

[SoCalDem]

37. Stop the "athlete worship"

and stop covering up their misdeeds as young teens. If these young men grow up feeling that someone will always clean up their messes, they will keep making messes.

There is a sickness in the USA that glorifies meanness and aggression, and if young boys/men are led to believe that that behavior is their ticket out of poverty via sports, they will comply

The obscene money they receive to play a game, attracts many young women who will gladly put up with occasional abuse if they also get the fancy house, the trips, the goodies that go along with wealth....and if they have a few kids right away, they also have a permanent hold on that money even if the relationship goes south.

Not all athletes are abusive, and not all their women are gold diggers, but many are.

[marions ghost]

42. "there is a sickness in the USA that glorifies meanness and aggression"

---that's the heart of the problem.

And how do we change that?

[jen63]

43. I think that men

who abhor this behavior need to be more vocal. Let's face it, in our misogynist society, no one is listening to the women. We just hear more of the same excuses why men have to "keep women in their place". We need strong feminist men to go pubic to condemn this abuse.

It's the same with racism. When African Americans talk about racism, all they get is push back. Now I'm not saying that white America can solve these problems, but a firm stance on these issues, letting the knuckledraggers know that not all of white America stands with them would be a good start. We must speak out on wrongs we are witness to. Too many take the attitude that "it's none of our business". Wrong! It's everybody's business.

[kiva]

47. Threaten to take away something from the abuser.

20+ years ago Colorado began arresting men and women if there was reason to believe there had been a violent encounter. A friend of a friend's husband was arrested, went to court, and was sentenced to probation. His boss made it clear to him that if it happened again he was fired.

Oddly enough, the husband's temper that had to that point been uncontrollable suddenly became controllable and the beatings stopped.

Will it work for everyone? Nope, but if enough employers and family and friends did this, it would reduce the abuse.

[meow2u3]

48. Ostracize the abusers -- for starters

Employers can fire perps of domestic violence by making company policies of zero tolerance for perpetrators of DV.

Society in general can stop second-guessing and blaming the victims and put the blame where it belongs: squarely on the shoulders of the abusers.

Friends can drop a DV perp as a buddy, leaving him (or less often her) friendless or running with the same undesirable crowd.