Integrity Disqualifies Sanders for White House--mournfuly reported by Andy Borowitz

[Mira]

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders’s potential bid for the 2016 Presidency was declared over, on Monday, before it even began, because of a key feature of the American political system that makes a person with integrity ineligible for the White House.

According to some experts, the electoral system has developed a number of safeguards over the past few decades to prevent someone with independence and backbone from occupying the Presidency.

“Bernie Sanders’s failure to become a member of either major political party excludes him from the network of cronyism and backroom deals required under our system to be elected,” said Davis Logsdon, a political scientist at the University of Minnesota. “Though that failure alone would disqualify Sanders, the fact that he is not beholden to a major corporate interest or investment bank would also make him ineligible.”

Because of his ineligibility, Logsdon said, the Vermont Senator would be unable to fund-raise the one billion dollars required under the current system to run for President. “The best source of a billion dollars is billionaires, and Sanders has alienated them,” he said. “Clearly he didn’t think this through.”

Logsdon said that Sanders might persist in his quest for the White House despite his ineligibility but that such an effort would be doomed to fail. “Our political system has been refined over the years specifically to keep people like Bernie Sanders out of the White House,” he said. “The system works.”


www.borowitzreport.com

[ChisolmTrailDem]

1. FUCK Borowitz!

Asshole satirist!

[Nevada Blue]

2. sometimes satire is the best way to make a point to a broad audience

Jonathan Swift lives.

[riversedge]

7. kicky pooo

[djean111]

3. Excellent. And pretty much - not really satire. The truth, IMO.

[Brother Buzz]

5. Chalk this Borowitz Report up to social criticism

And it's a damn good jab, too.

[rhett o rick]

4. This would be more clever if it wasn't literally true. Thanks Mr. Borowitz. nm

[riversedge]

6. have to admit--the title threw me until

I ventured the first sentences. and yes, I also believe it to be true

[Babel_17]

8. I too wonder

I too wonder at our shortage of candidates able to raise the hundreds of millions needed to run, while being able to repeatedly say to the camera, and the crowds, that they are running so as to represent those who have been getting short changed.

To say it convincingly, as if they believed it themselves. Perhaps it's the air in the rooms that the millionaire donors, and the major lobbyists, congregate in. It could be that the atmosphere in those rooms requires an adaptation that only a few hardy souls are capable of pulling off.

[SoapBox]

9. Are we sure this isn't The Onion?

Seems to me it points out exactly why Americans should support Bernie by the millions!

[BlancheSplanchnik]

10. not funny

Only because it's too true.


Well...ok, I did grin sardonically .

[tclambert]

11. Article Two of the Constitution states that presidential candidates must be lackeys of the wealthy.

In the founders' day, it cost thousands of dollars to run for president. Only those with very wealthy friends could raise such exorbitant sums. And you had to own a horse. With inflation, it now costs a cool billion. And your campaign has to own a jet plane.

In another two hundred years, you'll need a quadrillion dollars to run, and your own starship.

[valerief]

12. Spot on! Bernie is too good for America. nt

[onecaliberal]

13. Until we make that money become a liability

It's what we're going to get. This whole article makes me want to hurl.

[ReRe]

14. Had me, for about 2 lines...

I knew it was Andy Borowitz, but the look on Bernie's face was just too convincing. By the second paragraph, I was chuckling. I wonder if that was taken just after his filibuster? Go Bernie!

[True Blue Door]

15. I like Sanders and agree with him on most things

but being right is not the same thing as being able to do a specific job. I've seen no evidence that he values achievement over idle philosophizing.