The Onion: CNN Holds Morning Meeting To Decide What Viewers Should Panic About For Rest Of Day

[UrbScotty]

Kicking around ideas ranging from an uptick in child kidnappings to a new link between laptops and cancer, senior CNN staffers held their regular daily meeting this morning to decide which topic viewers should panic about for the rest of the day. “It’s always kind of tough to get our meetings going each morning, but once we got some coffee in us, we were able to toss around a few ideas on what might absolutely terrify half a million or so viewers today,” said CNN Newsroom executive producer Eric Hall, adding that although the discourse was briefly derailed by a recounting of the previous night’s NFL game and discussions of staff members’ upcoming weekend plans, the team eventually spent 45 minutes debating which stories had the legs to prey on people’s anxieties for a full 24-hour cycle. “There was a lot of back-and-forth between those who really wanted to focus on scaring the hell out of people with a piece about the nation’s lack of preparedness for the next big earthquake and those who felt like we should try to stir up a frenzy over a potentially dangerous new teen trend called vamping, in which kids stay up all night texting with friends and posting on social media. Sarah pitched the threats posed by pit bulls, but she’s been pushing that thing since the day she started—at least she brought in Munchkins for everybody, though.” Sources confirmed that those objecting to going with a story about a horrific waterborne illness in Asia eventually acquiesced rather than let the meeting drag on into lunch.

Remember when the Onion only did satire?

http://thevane.gawker.com/were-all-going-to-freeze-to-death-next-week-a-readers-1655821506

[Kalidurga]

1. Yes, I do...

They quit doing satire and started reporting the news straight in 2009.

ETA

I found the quote that did it.

"Carbon dioxide, Mister Speaker, is a natural byproduct of nature. Carbon dioxide is natural. It occurs in Earth. It is a part of the regular lifecycle of Earth. In fact, life on planet Earth can’t even exist without carbon dioxide. So necessary is it to human life, to animal life, to plant life, to the oceans, to the vegetation that’s on the Earth, to the, to the fowl that — that flies in the air, we need to have carbon dioxide as part of the fundamental lifecycle of Earth."

So the staff at the Onion said "f'it we'll just start reporting what they say, who's gonna know the difference."

[muriel_volestrangler]

2. They got into the accurate prediction business Jan 17, 2001:

Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over'

During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.

"You better believe we're going to mix it up with somebody at some point during my administration," said Bush, who plans a 250 percent boost in military spending. "Unlike my predecessor, I am fully committed to putting soldiers in battle situations. Otherwise, what is the point of even having a military?"

On the economic side, Bush vowed to bring back economic stagnation by implementing substantial tax cuts, which would lead to a recession, which would necessitate a tax hike, which would lead to a drop in consumer spending, which would lead to layoffs, which would deepen the recession even further.
...
"Soon, with John Ashcroft's help, we will move out of the Dark Ages and into a more enlightened time when a woman will be free to think long and hard before trying to fight her way past throngs of protesters blocking her entrance to an abortion clinic," Bush said. "We as a nation can look forward to lots and lots of babies."

http://www.theonion.com/articles/bush-our-long-national-nightmare-of-peace-and-pros,464/

[Kalidurga]

3. Inevitably after I read an Onion story a real life version appears

later. Sometimes days later, sometimes a month, or years. Reality is killing satire.

[UrbScotty]

4. Wow!