For those of you who have lost someone dear to you...

[WilliamPitt]

I'm not sure how according-to-Hoyle this is as a GD post, but here goes.

I found out on Monday that one of my oldest and dearest friends - my college roommate, Jamaica Plain roommate, South End roommate, and partner in crime for years that included a run of madness in San Francisco - had died suddenly. The news frankly obliterated me; I've lost plenty of dear people, including all four grandparents and the parents of many good friends, but Fitz was three years younger than me, and was royalty in my core crew.

I've been a pudding since I got the news...and then a friend sent me this. I'm still in utter anguish, but reading this helped to quiet the banshee scream in my head just a bit, and that is frankly a mercy beyond measure.

I know there are a whole lot of people here who have also lost someone who was utterly irreplaceable, some very recently. This really helped me. I hope it helps you. I'm not sure of the original source, but it is, basically, a eulogy from a physicist.

===

You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. You want your mother to know that all your energy, every vibration, every Btu of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got.

And at one point you'd hope that the physicist would step down from the pulpit and walk to your brokenhearted spouse there in the pew and tell him that all the photons that ever bounced off your face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by your smile, by the touch of your hair, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever changed by you. And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her eyes, that those photons created within her constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever.

And the physicist will remind the congregation of how much of all our energy is given off as heat. There may be a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through you in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives.

And you'll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith. Let them know that they can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time. You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they'll be comforted to know your energy's still around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you're just less orderly. Amen.

-Aaron Freeman

[Mnemosyne]

1. So very sorry for the loss of your friend, Will. I've been there. nt

[WilliamPitt]

2. We all get there sooner or later.

This is my first trip to the well. I'm sure I'll be back.



Thanks.

[Mnemosyne]

4. Time, and only time, will ease it.

It sounds like you have some amazing memories of him, hold on to those.

[riderinthestorm]

3. So so very sorry Will. what a beautiful quote though

I'm so glad you've found a speck of peace in this dark day

[Frustratedlady]

5. I must truly believe this, as when my husband and other dear people died,

I didn't cry since I never felt they were truly gone. In fact, there are occasions when incredible events happen to remind me they aren't far away...only events that would make sense to them and me. It is comforting.

Give your friend the benefit of believing he is still with you in spirit, vibes or whatever you wish to call it.

Cyber hugs in your grief!

[marble falls]

6. Will, I still send e-mails to a dear friend who passed four years ago. It helps a little. I am....

never going to get over it. Coincidentally enough, he was living in SF.

I know Mark is continuing on somewhere, maybe I even add to the energy by still trying to let him know he's still part of my inner cosmos. Maybe that is the real memorial to your friend, too. His place in creation still exists, it only moved.

[Skidmore]

38. I lost a friend a little more than a year ago.

Her FB page is still up and maintained by her daughter. I wrote about her passing here. It is comforting to see bits of her writings or pictures from her life pass by on my newsfeed now and then. She is still with us, very much so.

[antigop]

7. so sorry, Will. nt

[TNNurse]

8. So very sorry for your loss.

Thank you for sharing this.

My mother died 23 years ago, yet she is always with me. She is there when I know the right thing to do. She is there when I post or comment about why I am a Democrat.

[tk2kewl]

9. Sorry for your loss and thanks a lot for the post

peace

[FailureToCommunicate]

10. So sorry to hear of your loss, Will. That eulogy is good, but you express yourself so well in

writing, that -once you get over the initial shock and collect yourself - your eulogy for you friend will be amazing. If you make the effort, which I'm sure you will, your heartfelt words will mean so much to his family, and your whole constellation of friends.

My younger brother died of pancreatic cancer not long ago, and many of his friends were journalists. I gotta tell you, the eulogies were so good...and comforting to all of us.

But that task is down the road for you. I'm sure now you are just 'there' for the family.

-F2C

[Duval]

11. A most beautiful

and comforting eulogy. And also one I believe in. I am glad you have found comfort, Will, and I thank you for sharing this with us at DU.

[livetohike]

12. My sympathy on the loss of your friend Will he will

always be alive in your great memories of him.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

13. You already know where I am on this one, my dear Will...

[Pennie109]

14. Thank you for posting this.

It's so painful to lose someone you love dearly, whether it be a close friend, a parent, spouse or child. I lost my best friend and didn't realize how much of a good friend she was until she passed suddenly. It still leaves a hole in my heart. My biggest loss was losing my son four years ago. I can identify with the physicist as I do feel my son's energy is still there and I'm comforted by it.

Thank you again.

Donna in SC

[malaise]

15. Losing family and friends is very hard

and the numbers increase as we age. Deepest sympathy WilliamPitt.

[northoftheborder]

16. Empathy and understanding to you...

This year, a family member, a teen, brilliant mind, endless future potential, with many friends, with loving supportive family----committed suicide (depression associated with cureless condition). Created a hurting void, a tragic event -- difficult to process, much less accept the answers to "why".

[Xyzse]

17. He has that on audio.

It sounds amazing. Let me try to find it, but you'd probably find it before I do.

I heard that a few times a long time back from NPR.

Here you go:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4675953

[Moostache]

18. Thank you very much.

Thank you for sharing this and my thoughts are with you as you grieve the loss of your friend. It does take some of the sting of loss away to know that the essence of what we are - the energy, the ability to impact others, the memories of times and events impressed on others - lives on long after our bodies give out or are lost.

I hope that those good memories over take your loss swiftly and leave you smiling and remembering the best of times with your departed friend.

[ReRe]

19. Sorry for the loss of yur friend, Will

Another thing I would like to add: Did your friend have siblings or parents or nieces/nephews that you became acquainted with? Remember that your friend still lives inside of them, directly through the line of direct blood that they shared. Even though your friend has passed, you could keep in touch with them, even if it's only a card, like a Christmas card or a card on your friend's birthday when you're thinking about him.

[dotymed]

20. We survivors

on this plane of reality (IDK if there is another but I think so) are left with heavy hearts. Hopefully the deceased go on to another
adventure. Knowing that their energy can't be destroyed is comforting and gives me hope that there other adventures waiting
for us when we leave this reality.
I know this loss all too well. Grieve and eventually celebrate the life lost to us in our reality. Peace William.

[mercuryblues]

21. Sorry to hear

about your friend. You will not hurt less, you will just hurt less often. The sadness you are feeling today will give way to the fun times you shared. At some point you will be somewhere or doing something which will bring up vivid memories, wishing your friend was there to share this moment with you. A smile will come across your face as you realize, they are. They are there in memory, in your heart, their spirit is forever intertwined with yours. He called you his friend.

[F4lconF16]

23. I liked this.

Thank you.

[Oilwellian]

22. I'm so sorry, Will

As you know, I can certainly relate to the deep pain you're feeling now. It will be a year next week that our twenty-nine year old son suddenly died in his sleep from a heart attack. Sometimes it hurt so much, I just wanted to curl up in a ball and die.

Fortunately I am past those feelings now and try to stay focused on living my life the way he would have wanted, and being there for his wife and children.

He loved science and would have loved this eulogy. I may just post it to his FB page on the anniversary of his death. Thank you, Will.

[pipi_k]

24. I would like to add...

So very sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing this.

What I would like to add is something that carries me through the worst of the pain from various losses I have suffered.

I know that many people don't have a high opinion of religious people, or saints, or even the person who wrote this, but it brings me comfort during the worst of those times:

Love Never Disappears

- Saint Augustine


Love never disappears for death is a non-event.
I have merely retired to the room next door.
You and I are the same; what we were for each other, we still are.
Speak to me as you always have, do not use a different tone, do not be sad.

Continue to laugh at what made us laugh.
Smile and think of me.
Life means what it has always meant.
The link is not severed.
Why should I be out of your soul if I am out of your sight?
I will wait for you; I am not here, but just on the other side of this path.

You see, all is well.

[WilliamPitt]

25. That is so wonderful.

[MadrasT]

35. Thank you. That is lovely. n/t

[Pacifist Patriot]

26. I tear up every time I read that...

because I love it so much.

I am so sorry for your loss!

[annabanana]

27. Thank you Will

I have had a very loss-some year, and this comes so close to what I truly believe.. that Science and Faith are conjoined in the Truth of the Universe, seen and unseen.

[kentuck]

28. Sorry to hear of the loss of your friend....

Peace to you and yours.

[Hekate]

29. I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. Aaron Freeman sounds like a good Unitarian...

...which from me is a high compliment. It's a wonderful essay that made my eyes sting for those I have lost as well....

[DFW]

30. I didn't know anyone else besides me had thought along those lines

The first time I ever read that the amount of energy is constant, and is never created or lost, only transformed, I began to think exactly what Freeman expressed. We are gone in our present form, but not completely eradicated. What about the electrical impulses that power out thoughts? Do they go on in some nebulous form? I would have thought not, because none of us were here before we were conceived, but could (or should?) this have an influence on how we see reincarnation? Haven't we all heard of instances where people seem to have memories that can't possibly be their own?

This is the first expression I have seen of something that I have pondered privately for many decades. Maybe I shouldn't have been so reticent with my thoughts. I have lost friends and family as well. Some in their thirties, some in their nineties, most somewhere in between. After the shock and the grief, one sometimes hears their voice, or ponders what their thoughts might have been on a certain subject. Who's to say for sure if it's purely our imagination, or if some of their electrical impulses are still out there, giving ours a nudge?

[mnhtnbb]

31. You are not alone in thinking along those lines at all.

Indeed, that concept of energy neither being created nor destroyed has caused me to think for many, many years,
that there is another form of existence for that energy when life leaves our bodies and does not require nor depend
upon religious belief.

[bvf]

32. Sorry about your loss

and that's an excellent idea for a eulogy.

Some physicists would actually point out that your friend lives on, corporeally, in other universes.

[sellitman]

33. I lost a neighbor of 26 years this past week

I'm going to pass this on to her 5 girls. Thanks. Sorry you are grieving the loss of one so dear. You are not alone.

Kevin

[MadrasT]

34. Thank you. I am sorry about your friend.

This is comforting to me.

[TBF]

36. I wish they had done a simplified

version of this when I was a kid. We were 6 or 7 and lived in a very small town in the midwest. There was a lake and a couple of bridges over it ... you see where this is going. The kids in town loved to dive off the bridges. The small one was easy and further downstream. The larger was only for "older kids" and when you jumped and surfaced you needed to deal with the current as you swam back up. Of course one night someone's little brother did the jump and didn't make it back out.

It was a tragedy in our small town - we all knew the little boy (a year younger than myself) and during school each class walked over to the catholic church to pay our respects. They didn't really talk to us about the incident though. With grandparents you are a little more prepared as you see them age and decline. It isn't the same experience with a peer - and certainly not with a good friend. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

[Puglover]

37. I lost my best friend 2/16/07

And like you, every time a thought of her crosses my mind (which is many times a day) I turn into "pudding". Most of the time it's just a slight, sad sigh but always a wave of sad.

Your friend will always be with you. And the physicist eulogy was lovely. I am sorry for your loss Will.

Thank you for posting this.

[Lars39]

39. I'm sorry for your loss, Will.

Last edited Wed Nov 26, 2014, 08:56 AM - Edit history (1)

Aaron Freeman's words are very comforting. Here's a video by a reunion of TR Crooks, a group I grew up listening to. The first song is Sparrow, kind of an amusing tune, but the second is Song of David....starts at about 5:09, dedicated to his friend who died.
I just rediscovered them a few days ago and have been lost in the past a bit pining for people and places that have moved on for one reason or another.
Their other song posted is Farmin' Man if you're interested in some southern rock. They wrote all their own songs.

[REP]

40. My mother died suddenly six months ago; I used the Freeman piece myself.

[CrawlingChaos]

41. I feel I must say, not everyone finds this comforting

While I'm very sorry for your loss and the pain you're going through, I'm seeing this exact same physicist's eulogy come up so often that I fear it will become the default cut-and-paste words of comfort sent to every grieving person out there. I know people are reading this thinking it will be the perfect sentiment to use on the next sympathy card, but I'm here to say it may not always be well-received.

Two people sent it to me when my mother died, and while I thanked them at the time, it upset me. It seems to me to be all about physical remains, which was not something I cared about, nor did I understand why anyone would. I wanted to shoot back angrily, my mother's BTU's had nothing to do with who she was. It was her consciousness - her thoughts and feelings, her unique personality that made her who she was. Her soul, if you will. I cannot find any comfort in thinking of her physical body transformed into subatomic particles. Those particles will not be her, they are just units of energy. Actually, I found it disturbing to think of a person I loved reduced to scattered particles.

It's frustrating to me because I think there are concepts that a physicist could address that could be potentially comforting to a grieving person - stuff about the nature of time and the concept of the infinite multiverse (not that I'm qualified to expound on any of that). Although right after the shock of a loved one's death may not be the time. I've lost so many people, been through this many times. I think when trying to comfort grieving people, we often overthink it with regard to the platitudes. They are dealing with a very fresh wound and it hurts so intensely as the cold hard reality of the loss sinks in. I think all you can really do at that point is make sure the grieving person knows that you are still there for them and you care. At that point in the process, I think that's all that really matters.