I am utterly undone: My struggle with Black rage and fear after Ferguson

[cali]

If I have to begin by convincing you that Black Lives Matter, we have all already lost, haven’t we? So let’s not begin there. Let’s begin at the end. At the end there is only Michael Brown Jr’s dead body, no justice, and weeping and gnashing of teeth.

<snip>

Did you expect me to call for peace? Did you expect me to condemn looting and property damage? Did you expect me to preach at the people about being constructive rather than destructive?

Peaceful protests have been happening for over 100 days. But white folks only really pay attention if they fear they have something to lose. Smoke flares in their nostrils, because then they are confronted with the possibility of charred, burning, white flesh. No more water. The fire next time.

I woke up in Black skin this morning. Frustrated, because for the first time in a long time, I felt the weight, the scourge of this skin. Had visions of being able to unzip myself, climb out of myself, and lay aside this weight, but the woman who climbed out was darker still. Since Black is beautiful, we are never supposed to admit that we are sometimes tempted to believe what white supremacy tells us to believe about ourselves. But you caught me in a moment of weakness.

Utterly undone. Put out trying to pull it together. Still trying to put together – piece together—all these pieces. Of “evidence.”

<snip>

http://www.salon.com/2014/11/25/i_am_utterly_undone_my_struggle_with_black_rage_and_fear_after_ferguson/

[bravenak]

1. I woke up scared.

I woke up knowing that there are many white people in my home country who woukd love for me to die like an animal. They would cheer. The would call me a demon or a monster, talk about my superhuman black rage. They blame me for what they want to do to me.

I will perservere. People will look back in the future at this disgusting display of injustice and those who support this fucked up system will go down in history, just like the segregationists spiiting in the face of black children trying to start school. Time moves on.

My fear is that the time for peaceful protests is long gone, we tried it many times, it did not work. It had sone effect, sure, but change takes force. The fearful get angry, distraught, and give up on peace. If you life doesn't matter anyway, why try to get the people who want you dead on your side?

I see this continuing for years until there is no majority to crush the minority. It won't end until the majority decide to end it. All of our children and grandchildren will pay the price of todays ignorance.

[cali]

4. so sorry. this is so heartbreaking.

[Skidmore]

5. Bravenak, I hear you and understand your concern.

My husband has twice been falsely accused of crimes and targetted by people he worked with. It was awful. There used to be an illusion of order but it has been stripped away and old divisions and hatred have been allowed to come to the light unchecked. It is frustrating that responses have been so mixed. We need a leader of the stature of King to coalesce and organize or each one of us needs to be challenged to rise to the moral stature of MLK to demand justice and fairness. If it slips away, centuries of work will be lost. None of us, no matter what color of skin our hearts beat under, can afford to let go and let these forces strip away civil rights.

[bravenak]

6. I think we just have to go through it.

Dr. king was a band aid. We never got equality by peaceful protests.the USA did not get free from England by peaceful protests. The time for asking for equality and begging for justice is past. We get thrown scraps that are later taken from us slowly but surely. The only thing that matters to the powers that be is money. Rampart would have never gotten investigated if they did not burn the city. They worked with us after that because they knew that we could burn down beverly hills and the entire coastline if we felt the need. And they feared we would. If people will burn their own shit they will have no qualms about burning theirs. To save the billions they had to let a few biases go.
We need a Martin and a Malcolm. A carrot and a stick. They need to fear a Malcolm in order to work with a Martin.

[Skidmore]

7. You may be right about that.

I just keep hoping that people will step forward to do the right thing instead of standing by silently and letting racism flourish.

[noiretextatique]

9. my uncle was a "race man" and a republican

one of those old-time republicans who never switched, although he detested the GOP by the time he died in the 1990's. he said we should have gone for nationhood, like the indians did, instead of integration. he said there is so much hate against us, it would have been better to just opt out completely. i cannot disagree with him. but i do agree with you, we need a Malcolm and a Martin. Martin acheived what he did because of the specter of Malcolm.

[bravenak]

16. They would have never parted with one acre of land.

We'd be like Palestine.

[noiretextatique]

21. true.

and if we did manage to create anything, they would find a reason to steal it ala Tulsa and Rosewood.

[azmom]

11. He wasn't for rioting, but wasn't against it either

Martin Luther King once insisted, "is that a riot is the language of the unheard." Recourse to rioting, he suggested, is seldom a marker of irrationality or mob psychology. More often, it is an attempt by marginalized people to find their voice, to gain a hearing, to assert their refusal to be silenced or ignored.

[bravenak]

17. I also do not promote riots.

I see them as a necessary evil.

[azmom]

18. Some prioritize order before

Justice, and that is morally incorrect.

[bravenak]

19. Yes.

Like the Plantation system. Nice and orderly.

[nomorenomore08]

38. "Some prioritize order before justice." And that right there is a big chunk of the problem.

We see aspects of that mentality even in more progressive circles (like DU).

[noiretextatique]

8. i woke up angry

i woke up angry, but happy that my father is not alive to see this....again. or my great uncle, who headed the SF chapter of the NAACP during desegregation. or my grandmother. or my brother and sister. i am not happy that they are gone, but i am happy that they aren't here, in 2014 to see it is the same as 1994 or 1984 or 1974 or 1964 or 1954...THIS SAME SHIT. what happened in Ferguson was the white power structure protecting one of its own...the same thing that happened in many southern towns in the 1960's. it is the SAME SHIT. the feds had to step because the KKK WERE the police, and the prosecutors and the juries. it is clear to me that the feds are going to have to step in again, and not just in Ferguson. we are about to see a repeat of this in Cleveland, where a 12yo boy was shot to death by a police officer. and in NYC, where an unarmed 28 yo was just shot to death for walking while black. and YES...it IS ABOUT RACE!!!!! i know the increasing militarization of the police is a part of the problem; i know that class is also a part of the problem. but to continue to deny that race plays a huge role in these murders, and lack of indictments is just a part of the BIG LIE that keeps the rotten system in place.

[bravenak]

12. I am trying to get angry.

I think I spent mine and I'm broken. I keep thinking about Emmet Till, executed for eyeing a cute girl. Trayvon executed for being black on the way home. The young man in Walmart. I see a systematic attempt to take black men and get rid of them. If they can't jail them they shoot them. Call them animals. Gorillas , Demons, monsters. They fear a free back man more than anything. They fear competition with the people strong enough to survive 16 hour days in the cotton fields after beatings on a starvation diet. They fear the people who survived all the worst they could do to them. And thrived.
And look at all the people making excuses for it.

[BrotherIvan]

20. +1

I really don't know what to say. You are saying it so well and I appreciate it. I'm sort of at a loss for words over the whole thing. Because this part, no indictment, starting riots, it was planned. It's been planned for weeks openly. I'm not sure what they think is going to be the end result. But I hope they lose.

[Hatchling]

30. Last night"s verdict was a powerful moment for me.

I watched with freind who is black. I was getting angrier and more bitter but she began weeping. I listened to her, ytried to console her. We are both terrified for her fiance.I helped bring up her anger finally, but the horrific tales she told me about growing up black broke my heat.

There are times I am so ashamed that my skin color is the same as those pieces of racists shits.

[bravenak]

31. You should try not to feel ashamed.

Half of the people opposing those crazy bastards share your color. The worst part is tyat I feel almost nothing right now. Just resogned to a lifetime of battles that will never be won. Glad my children are going to be a much smaller minority in their day. It will be harder to keep this up then.

[Hatchling]

32. Thnak you.

You are numb with despair, I think.

I hope that does not last long.

As for my feelings of shame, they only push me more to want justice.

[bravenak]

33. I just do not expect any better any time soon.

I'll feel better tomorrow. I think I have a cold rage. Worst type.

[Hatchling]

34. No, it will get worst,

But I have hope that the worst will activate all our youth to persist and they will prevail. I saw a clip of local college students protest, a mix of races. These give me hope.

[bravenak]

35. Younger people are less biggoted.

I have noticed that my generation has alot of interracial relationships. We like the blending of cultures and being a part of a new America. It's weird to see my mom's and grandma's generation holding on to old biases and trying to keep them going. It is poisoning us. It can't go on forever.

[nomorenomore08]

39. Just repeat to yourself, "I AM NOT DARREN WILSON. I AM NOT DARREN WILSON."

Won't save anyone's life, but it might make you feel a little better.

[Liberal_Stalwart71]

41. Emmett Till was accused of whistling at a white girl. No evidence that he was ever

guilty of having done so. I hear what you mean. Loud and clear.

[bravenak]

42. I never believed the whistling part either.

He was probably just dressed too nice for somebody. Any reason was good enough. Still is.

[BrotherIvan]

13. I woke up angry

I do not know this country. I don't know if I belong here. I'm so sick of this shit. And part of me hopes it isn't peaceful. I hope it all burns. I hope they stop rioting in Ferguson and do it in Wilson's part of town, or the mayor's part of town, or the governor's part of town.

"Blame me for what they want to do to me." And let you or me or whomever just lie in the street when they murder us.

[noiretextatique]

14. +1000 i feel the same way

maybe it just time to leave. i have been thinking about it for a while.

[bravenak]

15. It's like being raped all the time.

And told it's your fault for looking that way. You can't help how you look. And yes. I do sometimes feel that burning it all down and starting over might just be what ends up happening. Nothing lasts forever. Not even a nation built on the foundation of white supremacy and corporatism. And the people who want a race war are idiots. It won't be a race war like they think. It will be racists vs. everybody else. And I do believe that the racists will he surprised at how few takers they actually get.

I felt nothing bad when Los Angeles burned to the ground. It was cathartic to see the police who were just assaulting people running fir their cars, scared that they had fucked up. The city officials who were just recently so condescending begging for meetings with the community. Crips and Bloods squashing beef to turn over cops cars and light them on fire. It was like independence day. If you take all the power from people riots are all they have left to feel powerful. Gang violence has decreases since the riots. Murders are down. Stores are nicer.

I don't understand the expectation of people thinking others are always going to quietly take all the bullshit thrown at them.

[cilla4progress]

2. Beautiful

Why do we expect more self-control from the oppressed, than from the oppressor - the one with the power and the gun?

Why do we expect more understanding from the oppressed, than from the oppressor.

Our American system of justice is supposed to put all facts before a trier of fact, and a trier of law. The GJ was not ruling on Wilson's criminality, only on whether there was enough evidence to move forward to a full trial on all the facts and evidence.

Really? There are no 2 sides to this situation? Is white fear and superiority so endemic that we throw all that out the window - that it is, on the face of it, justifiable for a cop to kill a young Black man - no questions asked?

I don't know what the standard of proof is on a GJ. But I do know what this decision says to people of color in our country.

One more way in which we are going down.

I'm so sorry for the loss.

[LittleBlue]

3. A solution can be found

One camera on every cop. That way we can see exactly what happens in every case. It would decrease fear of the police if every action they take is in a video file.

[ncjustice80]

23. Not good enough.

1. Cops need to be disarmed. No guns, no body armor.
2. Cops need to lose lawsuit immunity. They are personally liable for EVERYTHING, the City/County is liable for nothing.
3. Cops need to be in searchable database with their name, home address, badge number, and picture to facillitate filing of civil actions.
4. All deaths from cops actions must be Federally investgated.

[LittleBlue]

24. Not going to happen, nor should it

1) What happens when they encounter an armed maniac like that axe wielding guy? No effing way
2) Awful idea.
3) A database so they and their families can be targets for violence? At this point, I'm wondering if you're trolling and for that reason I'm done here.

Your suggestions are ridiculous

[ncjustice80]

25. Cops in the UK do just fine.

1. Axe wielding maniac? I dint know, maybe actually talk someone down instead of shooting them like a dog in the street??? Or use a tazer? Or bean bag round???

2. They need to be personally liable. Sorry that you support cops having free reign to murder black men and kids on tax payer dime.

3. If they dont commit heinous acts, this shouldnt bother them. Any other citizens address can be foynd atbthe county/city registrar.

So, try again friend.

[LittleBlue]

26. lol

http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2014/oct/24/nypd-officers-attacked-axe-wielding-man-queens-new-york

You have no idea what you're talking about. Unlike the UK, guns are legal in America, hence the need for an armed police force. The UK doesn't have the biggest narco state in the world on their southern border.

3. If they dont commit heinous acts, this shouldnt bother them.

What a joke, you sound foolish. And worse, you're actually promoting violence against families of police officers. Who is next? Judges? Prosecutors?

When you're banned, and eventually you will be, don't let the door hit you on the way out.

[ncjustice80]

27. Dont be ridiculous.

I never said or implied ANY such thing. Quit trying to put words in other peoples mouthes.

I actually advocate for true justice, a system where state murderers are actually held accountable. Im sorry you feel differently.

[sinkingfeeling]

10. I woke up again with that 'sinkingfeeling' that America is but a shell

of its former self. That the public no longer cares about fairness and justice. That a large (but not majority) of citizens believe there are 'differences' between races and that somehow if a person has a problem it's all that person's fault. Apparently if a white man with a gun is slapped, it's one hundred percent alright if he kills the person. I really can't understand what's happened here.

[BlindTiresias]

29. Let me offer a suggestion

The progressive period may have been an aberration and the United States is snapping back to its structural roots, that is to say, a white dominated oligarchy with no pretensions of modern leftism as modern leftism is really a form of socialism and these structural roots predate socialism. This white oligarchy will be further entrenched by automation of the economy and the surveillance/security state.

This is why I so strongly advocate for people to escape while they still can.

[Blue_Tires]

28. I've been seeing a few similar columns from other writers

And I understand what she's saying...

The funny part is I can't muster that much rage over this, since it's the outcome I expected long ago...

Any part of me that would have become undone, wept, seethed with rage, or sought vengeance already died the day I saw Zimmerman walk free with throngs of people celebrating across the nation...(Those of you who know me from the early days will note that day was when my DU personality became much darker and more combative...)

So all I felt last night was emptiness, and nothing more...I can't grow a plant in a poisoned, barren soil, and I can't channel-flip the TV of my emotions when the plug has been yanked out...

[booley]

36. what did white people lose?

But white folks only really pay attention if they fear they have something to lose.

Ok except I don't' see what white folks are at risk of losing here.

The worst of the fires and rioting happened in a city that is majority black. The majority of people hurt by this are black. And the few white people who have ben hurt are those who not much better off then the black folk they live amongst.

and I sure don't' see how this will make police less likely to shoot unarmed black people. IF someone wants to paint black people as "animals but for it"s (rule of law's) chastening rod of correction" they can point to video footage to reinforce that belief.

I am sure there will be those that say since I am white I don't and can't understand. And maybe that's true in a way. But so far no one has explained who this will help lead to anything except the cops being even MORE likely to use force, for the humanity of black people shot by the cops to be questioned all the more. I don't' think my inability to see how this is going to help make things better lies in my skin color.

Not saying don't' be angry. You should due angry. BE ANGRY!

But damn it, do something with that anger that isn't just punching yourself in the face.

[nomorenomore08]

40. Sure it would be nice if people could express their rage in less self-defeating ways.

But in life, you inevitably select from the options provided to you. All of our choices - no matter who we are - are constrained by circumstance, whether we want to admit it or not. The independent, self-determined John Gault type is a right-wing myth.