Slow-Witted Conspiracy Theorist Convinced Government Behind NASA
BARRINGTON, RICalling it the most scandalous cover-up of the past half century, dim-witted conspiracy theorist Daniel Burgess told reporters Thursday he believes the U.S. government has, for years, been clandestinely exercising total control over the National Aeronautics and Space Administration.
The 34-year-old dullard cited a wealth of evidence he said proves beyond a doubt that every NASA projectfrom Project Mercury to the moon landings to the shuttle programhas been approved and bankrolled by the federal government.
Follow the money and youll find out who pulls NASAs puppet strings: Washington, D.C., the unfathomable moron said. The arrangement goes way back, too. Do you think its a coincidence that when NASA went to the moon they just happened to plant an American flag there? Dont tell me the feds had nothing to do with that. Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were on the governments payroll. All astronauts are.
Think about it: The funding has to come from somewhere, continued Burgess, mentioning records he found online that suggest the federal budget included $16.9 billion for NASA in the year 2013 alone. And theyve been careless enough to leave a massive paper trail.
The simpleminded dope said he also finds it highly suspicious that so many astronauts have been ex-military personnel who came up through the U.S. Air Force.
According to Burgess, all the evidence linking the government to the space program is hidden in plain sight. Speaking to reporters from the basement of his home, where he waded through copious binders of documents representing more than a decades worth of research, he alleged that every single president since Dwight Eisenhower has been complicit in NASAs operation. Richard Nixon approved the development of Skylab, he said, and Bill Clinton conspired to allow the International Space Station to move forward.
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