Very important question about sexual abuse...

[madmom]

I'm just finding out that my daughter-in-law's younger brother sexually molested my grand-daughter...SHE'S 7 YEARS OLD!!!!!.....now they say his girlfriend is only 15 he's 18. So, in the state of Maryland, what is the age of consent and are the parents of said girl the only ones who can file a complaint?
I am so livid about this because he used to babysit for my three grand-daughters, now they are finding out he sexually molested (possibly raped) his own younger sister and molested my grand-daughter. His MOTHER & FATHER knew about it and didn't say anything!!!!

This is all taking place in the state of Maryland, any info from anyone would be greatly appreciated.

BTW there is a warrant out for is ass, and there's much more going on, but this is the basics.

[LiberalLoner]

1. I'm so sorry this happened in your family.

I hope with all my heart that the victims can heal and find happiness in life despite the terrible trauma.

[madmom]

6. thank you

[msanthrope]

2. What are your son and daughter-in-law intending to do with regards to the

7 year-old?

[madmom]

4. He has 3 daughters, they are going to the drs this afternoon to

find out if there is any other "surprises". The youngest is only 4 and has a learning disability and cannot communicate well, the oldest is 9 and is at that stage where she is embarrassed to talk about these kinds of things. The dr is supposed to talk with them and probably examine them, and yes they will be going to therapy.

[msanthrope]

8. Ok. I'm going to suggest that your son and DIL cut off all contact with her

family temporarily and consult with a family law attorney.

He is doing the right thing in securing medical help for his kids, but he should be aware that the doctor may be obligated to report any abuse findings to the police/Child Protective Services.

I urge you to have your son and daughter-in-law contact a family law attorney to be prepared for any such investigation by the authorities.

I cannot give you legal advice over the Internets, but I can tell you that in cases of abuse, the police and CPS would be concerned that the alleged abuser not have any further access to their victims--therefore your DIL would be well-advised to take steps to prevent her brother from seeing her kids again, or from other family members influencing them.

They should get medical help. They should listen to what their doctor says. But they should also consider talking to an attorney.

As for the alleged abuser, my advice to you is to focus on cutting off his access to your granddaughters.

[jwirr]

11. I would add that you let him know exactly why - put the fear of the devil into him so that he will

think twice about doing this to any other children. It is not uncommon for the abuser to be a relative. This happened in my family also.

[msanthrope]

16. No--no family member should have contact with this person except through the courts.

Confrontation is not indicated here....and a true sex offender does NOT get the fear of the devil put into him.

[jwirr]

19. I wasn't thinking personal contact but that these lawyers should make sure that he understood

what he was doing.

[madmom]

14. Thank you, they are in the process of a restraining order against him, I think it should

be on the whole family. I will give him your advise , thank you

[msanthrope]

18. Take care and remember to stay as calm and as reserved as possible....

your family needs a calm head. Take care.

[aikoaiko]

25. msanthrope corret me if I'm wrong, but CPS will likely put the parents until the spotlight, too.

And to be prepared for insulting and infuriating questions.

[msanthrope]

28. Yes...that's why consulting a lawyer is a good idea. nt

[Marrah_G]

3. First you need to take a deep breath

I know how angry you are and it sounds as if the authorities are on his trail. The best advice I can give you is to shower your grandchild with love and affection and do your very best to make sure she gets the therapy she most assuredly will need.

Deep breaths Madmom, deep breaths.

And remember your DU family is here for you.

[madmom]

5. Thank you for this, alas I am 400 miles away and can only talk on

the phone right now.

[Marrah_G]

9. You can still urge therapy for all of them

Also, I do not know your situation, but summer is coming, maybe you could arrange for her to visit you.

P.S. You might want to find someone for you to talk to as well. What your going through is incredibly stressful.

[CoffeeCat]

7. I am so sorry that your family is going through this...

...and I imagine you are feeling so many different things. Of course, anger at the perpetrator and also
anger for the parents (your daughter-in-law's parents) for remaining silent and causing other children
to be harmed.

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, and I can tell you that it is pretty typical in families where this
happens--that there is a very unhealthy code of silence. Denial is HUGE in families like this. Families
like this will often protect the abuser and deny that anything happened--or they minimize what happened
in their own family and what is now happening to new victims.

Are you close with your daughter-in-law? If you can really talk with her, it might be helpful for both of you.
If she grew up in this incredibly toxic family, where incest was happening, she probably needs an understanding
shoulder. Believe me, if sexual abuse is happening--these parents were probably dysfunctional, uncaring
and abusive in other ways. She might really need to talk about things that she has never discussed. Conversely,
you need her, to help you understand what was going on. She can help shed light on the reality of this
family and the situation--so you can best help your granddaughter and make sense out of this situation.

I strongly encourage you to seek therapy. That may sound unconventional, but you need support. I can't
stress this enough. Incestuous families can be just awful to deal with when their secrets are exposed. I have
listened to hundreds of stories from survivors--and you get behaviors (denial, lying, blaming those who speak
out, tantrums, etc) that are hard to fathom and process. You will need support in your own healing, as you
process the shock of this--and your own sadness, anger and frustration. Plus, a therapist can help you understand
families like this better--and how to handle the situation--so you can best help your granddaughter. After all,
that is what is most important. She's going to need lots of love and support.

I survived sexual abuse, and I can tell you this--it would have been my DREAM to have had a grandmother
who cared--who was upset and who provided love and a safe place for me to talk about this--or just be
nurtured. You could save this child's life. Seriously. I never had anyone like that. Studies show that if
survivors have someone (just one person!) who believes them, helps them and loves them--they can
flourish and heal so much faster. The scars just aren't as deep.

I can't overstate how pivotal you are in your granddaughters' lives. You need to be strong for them and keep
reinforcing that they were not at fault. I guarantee you that this abuser did a number on them. Abusers
play mind games with children, to keep them quiet. They were probably told that they liked the abuse or that
if they told, their family would break up. I don't mean to upset you. I just want to stress how important it
is that these kids have someone in their lives that believes in them, doesn't blame them, loves them and
shows them unconditional love and support.

I'm sure their parents will rally around them. However, it may be hard for her mother. If she grew up in a family
like this--this incident may trigger emotions about how she felt growing up in a chaotic situation like this. You
may have to be the rock--even though you feel like crumbling.

However, the payoff is that your granddaughter, and other grandchildren, will have a chance at a happy life because
you helped them through. Victims of sexual abuse learn not to trust and they feel as if they have no control over
their own bodies. They often feel very bad about themselves. You can help to change that.

And the best thing is--you don't have to be a therapist and you don't have to always have the perfect thing to say. You just have to be there, let them know it's ok to talk about and love them and help them to feel important and special.

I know it's hard to see any positives right now, but believe me--most of them survivors I encounter are in support groups as adults--because they had no one like you. No one who cared or would believe them. The entire family
covered up and ignored their cries. In a horrible situation like this--your granddaughter has a best-case scenario--someone who loves her, and is angry and sad right along with her. That is a gift. I would have given anything
to have had that gift, and so would most of the survivors that I have met.

I wish you well and I will be thinking about you and your family! There is lots of hope and reason to think positive...trust me!

[redqueen]

12. Thank you for this post.

So much.

To madmom, I am so sorry this happened. Good luck.

[madmom]

13. Thank you so much for this. My DIL and I are not exactly on

the best of terms right now because ( and I posted here about this) she took the girls back "to visit" her family this past summer. After being there a few weeks she told my son she wasn't coming back (to Ohio) where they were living at the time. He, trying to make the best of it, instead of fighting her, up rooted everything and moved there, so she could be near her family. I know she did not have a good family up bringing, her parents are divorced, her step dad is the one hiding this, it is his son, her step brother, who did this. Her mother was a bar-fly and DIL told MY mom at one time she was raped by a friend of her mom's when young. I don't know anything more about this because she didn't say anything more to anyone. I am trying very hard not to blame her for this, but I really really want to!
I am waiting to hear more from my son, he/they were going to drs appointment. There is a restraining order out on stepbrother, I think it should be against the whole family! My son said he told her that none of her family was allowed near them or their house again and she agreed (for now anyway).
You are right I think I will go talk with someone...thank you for listening

[woodsprite]

10. So that translates to the other grandparents knowing about it?

We had a similar situation in our family. All I can do is give you the biggest hug from DE that I can. If it helps, my brother's grandaughter was 7 when we all found out. My brother and his other daughter are the ones who reported it. My 19yo nephew had done the molesting. Therapy was a great help to both the 7yo and her younger sister. There was evidence the 1.5yo was molested also, but as far as I know he did not take part in therapy as he grew up (he just turned 12). The home they were fostered in filed for formal adoption several years back and the kids have been thriving. Both girls continue to be tested for HIV since my nephew (the perp) tested positive a three years after being incarcerated.

My nephew was just released from prison. He could have gotten the death sentence, but instead the Ohio courts gave him 9 counts of 10 yrs each, served concurrently.

But, that all being said, the girls seem to be doing well and love their adopted family - community college, honor roll, extracurricular sports and dance. No behavioral issues that we're aware of, but I do know that Amber still has some counseling sessions. It's no wonder she has trust issues. She does not feel secure going out socially with mixed groups unless one of her adoptive parents is nearby. She says she wants to go to college and have an normal life.

[madmom]

17. No as far as I know only the brother's parents knew. My mom

was told by my son's wife that she (my son's wife) was raped by a "friend" when she was younger, this would have been 20+ years ago.

[Whisp]

15. so sorry this is happening to you and your loved ones

no other words, speechless....

[ananda]

20. Blessings and healings.

There is good advice being given here. The main thing is to get the young people out of the situation stat and into a loving, supportive environment.. with you and others who care. The legal aspects are important too.

Sending healing and love your way...

[Odin2005]

21. I have no words...

[madmom]

22. Thanks everyone for all the kind words, and info, they really do help.

[LiberalEsto]

23. You have every right to be furious about this

and I know your involvement will make a big difference for these girls. I wish you strength and love.

I live in Maryland. Back in 2000 I worked for the Metro Center for Assault Prevention, a program that runs child abuse prevention programs in schools. I received some training in recognizing and reporting child abuse and child sexual abuse.

Has Child Protective Services gotten involved yet? If not, any doctor who sees the children is mandated to make an immediate report to CPS. CPS will take action immediately. This will include interviewing the children separately, as well as talking to family members, etc. and taking steps to prevent contact between the children and the abuser. They will contact the state's attorney's office and have criminal charges filed. Every county in Maryland has a Child Protective Services office.

It is also possible that your daughter-in-law's brother was sexually abused himself. If he was abused by other family members, steps should be taken to ensure that those abusers will also be barred from contact with your granddaughters.

Good luck, and let us know if there is any way we folks at DU can be of help.

[madmom]

24. thank you, yes Child Protective services have set up a meeting with

them..not sure when. I am glad the states attorney's office will be involved, there are to many things that happen in that town that gets swept under the carpet because of who people know. Thank you for your concern, this all really helps!

[Maine-ah]

27. jaysus...they knew and didn't say anything?!

Madmom, I'm so sorry for this to be happening in your family.

[MineralMan]

29. Damn! I hate hearing about such things. I hope this gets dealt with quickly.