A Letter to Dr. Laura (an oldie, but a goodie)

[niyad]

A Letter to Dr. Laura

by Luke Muehlhauser on May 16, 2009 in Bible,Christian Theology,Funny

drlauraDr. Laura Schlessinger is a Bible-believing “agony aunt” who gives life and relationship advice. Citing the Bible, Dr. Laura has repeatedly said that gays are “mistakes of nature.” In response to this, somebody wrote a satirical open letter to Dr. Laura (read the whole story on Snopes).

The letter reads:

Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev 1 ). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21 . In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?

g) Lev 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27. How should they die?

i) I know from Lev 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev 24:10-16) Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

[el_bryanto]

1. They did a version of this on the West Wing - third episode of the 2nd season i think. nt

[GummyBearz]

2. Was there a response??

I have some questions that overlap with the author's

[niyad]

3. not that I ever heard.

[cwydro]

4. I remember this one.

Funny.

[closeupready]

5. I took her rant (to the black woman whose white husband got flak from her family)

and made an mp3 out of it - it's only about 15 seconds, but I listen to it every time I feel a need for a good chuckle, knowing that it was probably the greatest of Doctor of Surf Science Laura Shlesinger's Greatest Hits, at about 3:40 into the youtube footage below (paraphrasing some of this):

L(aura): Why don't you let me finish a SENTENCE?!

Pause

C: Ok.

L: Don't take things out of context.

Pause.

L: Don't double N ... N double A C P me. .. Leave them in context!

C: I know what the N***** word means, and I know it came from a white person, and I know the white person made it bad ...

L: Awright. Thank you very much.

Laura hangs up on her.

L: Thank you very much. Can't have this argument. (Pause) You know what? If you're THAT hyper-sensitive about color and don't have a sense of humor, don't marry out of your race. (Speaking in reference to the caller, who was black and whose husband was white, generating family problems about which she was calling Dr. Laura.)

[niyad]

6. sometimes, mercifully, I forget all about her and what a completely hate-filled,

hypocritical twit she is.