How helicopter parents are ruining college students

[mfcorey1]

http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2014/09/02/how-helicopter-parents-are-ruining-college-students/



Attention, parents of college students.

Say your kid has a problem with a roommate. Maybe one “borrowed” his favorite t-shirt. Maybe your daughter’s roommate leaves old, stinky Chinese take out in the mini-fridge. Perhaps your child is so upset about this he texts you five times a day to complain.

Here’s the thing: Don’t call the college president to ask him to handle the situation. (Yes, that happens.)

Jonathan Gibralter, president of Frostburg State University, has had parents call him at his office to talk about a squabble their child is having with a roommate. “Don’t you trust your child to deal with this on his own?” he asks. “Rather than telling a son or daughter to talk to a [resident assistant] or [resident director], parents will immediately call my office. And that I consider to be a little over the top.”

A little over the top, yes. But also the way things are now for many people. The kids who have been raised by parents who watched their every move, checked their grades online hourly, advocated for them endlessly and kept them busy from event to activity to play date are tucked away in college. But that doesn’t mean their parents have let go. They make themselves known to schools, professors, counselors and advisers. And yes, college presidents.

But those parents are forgetting some very important lessons in Parenting 101, and that is how to help a child learn how to really thrive.

“When I was going to college in 1975… my mother helped me unload into the dorm room, put a note on the door saying this is the way we wash our clothes,” Gibralter said. “I didn’t find out until years later that she cried all the way home because she realized I was going to be independent.”

Oh, it is more than difficult to let go. But saying goodbyes at the dorm and then giving that little bird a push is what will help him or her succeed. That doesn’t mean letting go or not being involved anymore. But hovering and intervening too often doesn’t do students any favors.

[smirkymonkey]

1. +1000

[midnight]

2. Interesting angle.... However this labeling of parents might be earned from the

admissions and financial aid offices who get calls when the aid that was promised was pulled away and their kid is sitting in that dorm room without food....

[CBHagman]

8. That's a different issue.

Loss of aid is the sort of problem that is meant to be handled in administrative offices.

The story here is that some parents are taking extreme measures to manage their grown children's day-to-day challenges and adjustments at colleges and universities, to the point where the parents are inserting themselves in situations an 18-, 19-, 20-, or 21-year-old can learn to handle on his or her own. It's partly a boundary issue, and the overinvolvement is no favor to the young people, who are going to have to learn to deal with work, school, or social problems without Mom or Dad sitting in on meetings.

[url]http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2014/09/02/how-helicopter-parents-are-ruining-college-students/[/url]

A study published recently in the journal Education + Training found that there is an important line to draw between parental involvement and over-parenting. “While parental involvement might be the extra boost that students need to build their own confidence and abilities, over-parenting appears to do the converse in creating a sense that one cannot accomplish things socially or in general on one’s own,” wrote the authors, two professors from California State University Fresno. The authors of “Helicopter parents: An Examination of the Correlates of Over-parenting of College Students,” Jill C. Bradley-Geist and Julie B. Olson-Buchanan, go on to detail how over-parenting can actually ruin a child’s abilities to deal with the workplace.

Bradley-Geist and Olson-Buchanan, both management professors, surveyed more than 450 undergraduate students who were asked to “rate their level of self-efficacy, the frequency of parental involvement, how involved parents were in their daily lives and their response to certain workplace scenarios.”

The study showed that those college students with “helicopter parents” had a hard time believing in their own ability to accomplish goals. They were more dependent on others, had poor coping strategies and didn’t have soft skills, like responsibility and conscientiousness throughout college, the authors found.

[midnight]

12. Different issue same label-helicopter parenting...

I think it's the university's that are suffering from poor coping strategies...

However I think it's just easier to blame the parents.

[Ilsa]

24. I know what you mean. These are parents who

Tend to do everything for their kids beyond the developmental stage at which the child or teen or young adult should learn to do for themselves. They grow up being micromanaged. And then the parents wonder why they don't have the confidence to manage the day-to-day activities of their own, much less the big stuff.

Had a fight with a grandparent to my kids who was visiting for a month. She wanted to do my kids' chores for them. (She wanted to feel useful and for them to be endeared to her.) I told her to stop; they have to do their own so they won't grow up helpless and expecting the world to cater to their needs. I had to explain to her that she wasn't doing them any favors by excessively helping them. She fought pretty hard, but eventually she realized I was right and stopped interfering.

[tblue37]

85. I always remind overprotective, overindulgent parents that they are NOT raising a child; they

are raising an ADULT.

At least, that should be their goal!

[roguevalley]

46. Helicopter parents on this board, take my cousin Robby as a cautionary tale

they did the same thing and he cracked about college time. he cut them off completely and went to work in a record shop rather than go to college and be a naval historian. yes, they had it all planned.

Things he never told them about or included them in:

His marriage

birth of his children

When his father died, my uncle called him to ask if he would help with the funeral because my uncle was dying himself. He told my uncle to bury him himself.

That is what you risk if your kid cracks. He never even wrote to me when my mom and dad died, the two he loved and who loved him without strings.

don't think it can't happen to you. slaves resist their shackles.

[onpatrol98]

55. Hmm...

Unfortunately, this does not sound like evidence of helicopter parenting. It simply sounds like the kid's an @#$hole. My mother changed your room into something else the minute you left for college. There was simply no returning home the same way. Needless to say, I bought my own home...young.

I also have had friends who really did seem to have helicopter parents. They seem well adjusted. They just seemed to have a better safety net than I did. Eventually, they found their own way in life. Typically, as soon as they hit the college campus. The kid in your example...simply sounds like a jerk.

I think you may need to offer him a cautionary tale...considering he has kids of his own. I'd be more afraid that one day, they'll treat him like he treated his family. Even if things seem okay, now. The concept of helicopter parenting is new. The concept of what goes around, comes around...well, that one's been around awhile.

[roguevalley]

60. I think you miss the suffocation of his life and soul

by his parents. I loved my aunt and uncle but they fit the bill to a tee. Even the kind of clothes he wore were chosen by them. I remember sitting in the car with Robby and my aunt when they were at the high school. She chose personally every class he had to take and he sat there staring ahead. It was the most uncomfortable feeling i ever had and changed my view of my aunt and uncle completely. It was suffocating and I can see why he is the way he is. It may seem assholery to us and it probably is but to him it was self defense.

Helicopter parenting has been here forever. It just got a cutesy name for it now. Robby is a lot of things but jerk isn't one of them. But thanks for the thoughts. I am open to anyone's commentary.

[Hekate]

73. When I was a freshman in college the mother of one of my friends laid out her clothes every morning.

That was in 1965. It was creepy to me, and I got hints from someone else that it went all the way. There was just no separation between the two of them in Mommy Dearest's mind.

[Dustlawyer]

9. Too true! College kids working their way through cannot get much beyond $7,000 a year

before having to turn to private borrowers with high interest rates. I was able to work my way through without debt of any kind, something that cannot be done now. My three kids all have/are working their way through, but with help from me. The money they are making would have done it for my day, but not today.
I can still remember having my parents follow me to Austin in my car while I pulled the used travel trailer to the "temporary" lot at an RV park directly accross the street from what was then Bergstrom AFB. My brother-in-law used to joke that I must have an arrow on the roof telling the military pilots where to land. It was cheap because the jets took off day and night and would shake the whole trailer. Ahh, the good ol days!

[midnight]

13. So instead of the dorms, you were creative and used the RV?

[Dustlawyer]

15. Dorms cost a lot more, yes. I bought a used travel trailer for cheap and planned it out

to the nth degree. My mom gave me a notebook with everything from how to cook rice to how to do laundry, it became my bible for a time. I had always been independant, but it was there that I learned to live on my own and take care of my business. These parents who enable their kids prevent them from learning how to handle things for themselves.

[midnight]

83. Such a great idea...

[Dustlawyer]

86. I got lucky on the trailer. A husband and wife were going to get a divorce so he bought the

little used trailer to be his future residence. They reconciled and the trailer was a visible reminder of his infidelity (amazing what an angry wife will say) so it had to go IMMEDIATELY! I wasn't so green that I didn't know when to bargain hard.
It was nice that I didn't have roommates and high utilities, but those military jets took awhile to get used to for sure!

[FLPanhandle]

3. The kids are at fault here too

If I had an issue with my roommate or friends, I wasn't running to my parents to help. In fact, they had no idea what I was up to.

[CanonRay]

5. I totally agree

by the time I was 19 I was totally on my own. I drove myself to college and paid for it as well. I went "home" on holidays and got a few meals that were lots better than the dorm.

[Nay]

14. Same for me, except I was 18. My parents didn't even help me fill out college apps. Now,

before you applaud my parents' ability to let me do things for myself, I have to say that my parents couldn't even take care of themselves. My father was the typical absent alcoholic father (when I was 15 they divorced) and my poor mom was depressed and agoraphobic. My brother and I took off at age 18 and never looked back.

[TBF]

21. I had that issue too -

dad was disabled & mom taking care of him (between her own bouts of depression). They couldn't be bothered with looking at report cards much less college apps.

[roguevalley]

47. It doesn't sound like your parents scrutinized and critiqued everything down to your skivvies.

Kids learn to be dependent. You didn't. Good on you.

[treestar]

16. It would have to be bad enough to make a phone call

long distance, which added to the phone bill.

Now they can text, Face Time, Skype, call more easily as that particular call doesn't cost anything.

The kid may just be complaining and not asking the parent to help. And most parents probably do help the kid solve it himself. I'd bet it's a tiny minority who would call the college president.

[TBF]

20. So true -

I was incredibly independent by 16-17 and off doing my own thing. I'd show up on holidays but I had my part-time jobs worked out, classes through the year and summer, and tried to fit in time with friends. Maybe I called my parents a few times a month. But the 80s were different - we weren't walking around with cell phones. Technology has probably changed things in that respect - frequent communication is not only possible but expected.

[Butterbean]

34. Agreed, this is the part of the story I don't get.

I never called my parents about problems with friends or roommates in college. I did everything humanly possible to conceal and keep that part of my life private from my parents, in fact. I didn't want them anywhere near my social life, in any way shape or form. I don't get these kids calling their parents over peer conflicts.....

[jeff47]

69. That's because you didn't have helicopter parents. (nt)

[X_Digger]

76. Too many parents today want to be their kids' best friend.

And they raise their kids that way. Ick.

[Egnever]

66. I think what the article is trying to get at

Is that the kids reaction to run to the parents for every little thing is learned behavior. The parents need to pull back some and allow them to handle their own problems much sooner and certainly by college.

[jeff47]

68. Because you were taught to handle the situation yourself.

These kids were taught that if anything doesn't go their way, Mom and Dad will fix it.

[X_Digger]

75. They're not emotionally equipped to handle it. They have no coping strategies, no negotiating skills

Mommy and daddy dearest have been micro-managing every moment of precious little junior's life since he was born. Every possible conflict, roadblock, and challenge has been smoothed out by M&D to the point that junior is an 18 year old first grader.

If everything had been handed to you and done for you, you never learn to do for yourself.

You, like normal, non-helicoptered kids, grew up to be an independent person. You were allowed to make mistakes, and had to fix them yourself (or at least take a crack at fixing them yourself first.)

These kids? Not so much.

[elehhhhna]

4. it's codependentcy and causes much worse probs than

Calling the kids teacher s, employers, etc.

Let them fall.

[trumad]

6. Yeah I know---

I walked 10 miles to school in a blizzard with no shoes.

These kids today!

[Hoppy]

11. That ain't nothin'. I had to walk 15 miles to school each day, barefoot,

pulling my older brother in a Radio Flyer wagon because there was no food in the house and he was too malnourished to walk himself.

I got the only breakfast in the house but in exchange, I had to tug Ralphie.

[Fuddnik]

43. Not to mention that it was uphill both ways.

[roguevalley]

49. I didn't walk miles to school but I remember putting cardboard in my shoes to plug the holes

some people live scrutinized lives and I think the more money you have the more it happens. I think this happens, its sad and everyone needs to consider their parenting.

[Historic NY]

54. Cardbord covered in black electrical tape so no one would notice.

[roguevalley]

71. exactly. WHen the apocalypse comes, I will last five

minutes longer than some.

[Thespian2]

7. In the distant past,

I was an Assistant Dean, running the student records office. On several occasions, I encountered mothers who turned up at registration to sign their kids up for classes...the students, in most cases, were not consulted during the registration process...

Personally, I was independent at birth...when I began college, I had been living away from home for a year.

[Hoppy]

10. Corollary issue, N.P/.R. story last week about millenials who have

difficulty adjusting to the work force because they don't get specific instruction on how to complete a task or don't get continuous positive reinforcement about how great a job they are doing.

[SusanCalvin]

19. Is this story online?

If so, might you post a link? Sounds really interesting.

[Hoppy]

42. I don't know. I spend hours in the car each day. I have Sirius and two

public radio stations. I don't recall on which program it was broadcast.

It may have been based on a NYT article.

[Marr]

17. Boy, my parents didn't have any trouble saying goodbye to me.

I'm still not certain they even noticed me leaving, lol.

[WorseBeforeBetter]

63. LOL Pretty much the same here. They dropped me off one year...

and four years later came back to watch me walk across the stage. I rode a Schwinn, walked, or borrowed friends' beater cars. Travel to and from home was with friends or by Greyhound.

For three years I lived off-campus, and remember one roommate stealing from us and stashing stuff at her boyfriend's place. We piled in the car, marched into his unlocked house, and gathered up our stuff. I even remember being on the horn to her mother to get someone to cough up her share of the rent. I cannot -- in a million years -- imagine running to my parents to resolve those issues.

[7962]

18. My brother interviewed people in their 20s who brought mom with them!

He would complete the interview and put the application in the "no" file. He said if you cant interview without your Mom, you cant work the job he was hiring for.
Ridiculous.

[skepticscott]

22. While I shake my head at parents like this, I also remind myself

that parents nowadays raise their children in an atmosphere of constant, meddling scrutiny by outsiders, where letting your kid ride a tricycle without a helmet, wait at the bus stop in cold weather, or venture out of sight of your house to play can have someone literally calling the police to report you for child endangerment. Under these circumstances, it is unfortunately not that surprising that even relatively sensible parents who would like to trust their kids to be independent and to muddle through life's difficulties end up being overprotective in a way that those of us raised 40 or 50 years ago find ridiculous.

[Nay]

28. I was just crafting a post very much like yours. And as someone else said, having this

instant communication with cellphones, tablets, etc., means that literally no one is left alone for any length of time unless they consciously divest themselves of their electronics and go into the wilderness somewhere. Kids who grow up in this milieu never have a moment in their own heads. It's not just the parents.

[skepticscott]

56. Unfortunately, a lot of what parents do these days

is not done out of their own sense of what good parenting should be, but out of fear of what other people will think, say or do about how they raise their children. Apprehension about how other people will regard them as parents has sadly come to override their concerns about the actual welfare of their children.

[seabeyond]

37. another new experiment for the children, hence parents. the adult world shoved in our kids face 24/7

and brought into our homes.

that is a huge time consuming, on going lesson in raising our kids.

[Sweet Freedom]

40. Not to mention

zero tolerance for everything. Elementary through high school discipline is ridiculous and can be terrifying for students. Your kid can get in serious trouble for the most minor infractions and if something happens in high school, the effects can be long-term. And schools would never side with a student over a teacher. So parents have to step in to advocate for their kids over issues that in my day, my parents wouldn't even have known about because the teacher would have said, "Don't do that again." Now, the consequences are suspension and academic probation with loss of extracurricular activities. In fact, if your kid screws up freshman year, they can be on probation for all four years. If schools would treat students like future members of society and not future criminals, parents wouldn't have to rescue their kids from over-the-top reactionary consequences. (And I'm not saying I agree with parents meddling in college affairs. I'm just agreeing that kid's lives are totally different now.)

[MissB]

23. Independence is good but

it's incredibly hard to let go! My oldest is finishing his junior year of high school so he'll be at home for only one more year. I was just thinking yesterday about how he'll only be here for ONE MORE YEAR!

But I've tried to have him be more independent over the last year. Little things like making his own doctor appointments and doing his own shopping- even planning his own college visit trip (which DH took him on, but DS had to figure out all the appointments and interviews and tours.)

He also applied to a program here that teaches high school students about the ins and outs of research. I'm sure I maybe signed something, but he took care of the entire application. He also wanted to apply to take classes at a liberal arts college next fall (the colleges here have programs for high school kids that allow them to take one class a term.) He's been talking a college class each term at one of them and he wants to tap into the other one next year, doubling his available college classes. Other than signing any appropriate form, I let him take the lead. He's the one taking Calculus 4, not me. I'm paying for it, but he knows that the grade for any college class he takes will follow him for his entire career.

But I kinda get the holding on thing. Especially since parents are paying so much more for college now. Kids today can't do what we did back in the day - they can't work in the summer to earn enough to cover all costs of college for the school year. Kids can only borrow $5500-$7500 depending on what year of college they are in, so parents are likely to be footing the costs. ($20-$60k/year depending on the college!!!) It's an investment so people naturally want to make sure they are getting their money's worth.

But kids need skills to be independent. Lots of opposing forces at play here. I can't imagine contacting a dean or even a professor! Boundaries, people!

[seabeyond]

29. good points. below, i talked about my experience. i did the same, at about the same age,

or a little younger. once they got their driver license. and all of that was very good, allowing son to take a young step to adulthood and responsibility. he had to do the work in college applications, and searching, sending out the info for scholarships, ect....

if he failed, he would do without. he was motivated. and youngest is doing it now, at the end of his junior year. lots of research, and he comes to me with the info.

but, the point on the cost is right on. with the cost, there is not playing around. sorry, it has to be so harsh, but like you say. at 20-50k a year, i am not throwing the money away for a little partying or whatever. they can show me in the grades. and if that is a fail, (which has not happened, but i am on it), then my money does not go any further into their education. at least until they can prove trustworthy on that.

[roguevalley]

50. its okay, MissB. My mother thought the same thing and actually cried. Then my brother didn't move

out! LOL! They will yo-yo in and out, trust me.

[paleotn]

25. What the hell?

...calling a University president because your "little darling" doesn't get along with their roommate? Seriously, has parenting devolved to that level of stupidity?

Here's parenting from WWII generation parents I experienced in the 60's and 70's....without the 5 feet of snow....

Extracurricular activities were limited to mostly what I wanted to do. Other than a few suggestions, my parents mostly stayed out of it. Although my Dad did introduce me the the peace of fishing and the magic of the public library. Usually it was peer pressure from my friends and visa versa that decided whether we played baseball or some other organized sport.

I went to summer camp a couple times, but didn't like the structure. Mom and Dad understood. The world outside our back door was my summer education and I experienced it to the fullest. There were limits to our wanderings, but were measured in square miles, not square yards.

A level of academic achievement was expected....expected from me, not my teachers. PTA meetings (it was called parent teacher association back in the day) consisted of my Mom or Dad chatting with a teacher, usually outside my earshot. They chatted for awhile then the meeting always broke up with them chuckling for a bit and shaking hands at the end. I got my talking to about "study time and putting in more effort because they knew I had the potential" when we got home. Oh, joy.

Other than Mom dragging my ass out of bed, getting to school on time was my responsibility. Well, we lived close in primary and Jr. high school, so I walked or rode my bike. In high school it was the bus or hitching a ride with friends. However, it was my responsibility to get to school on time and my ass was grass if I didn't and my parents found out....which they did a few times.

Dad took me to college my first freshmen fall. Mom couldn't handle it I don't think. Years later, Dad told me Mom did have a hard time letting her youngest go, but didn't want to make a big scene. When we finished hauling stuff up, Dad grabbed my shoulder, told me I'd do just fine, handed me a twenty dollar bill and told me to call if I needed anything. Of course "need anything" to me meant if a meteor crashed into my car, destroying it or if I was taken hostage by the PLO. Other than that, I could handle it. Matter of fact, it was painful to NOT handle things myself.

[paleotn]

31. P.S.

....my wife and I never had children, so I guess I don't really have a dog in this fight. Not by choice...it just happened that way. Our siblings did our reproduction for us I suppose. They were fertile and multiplied. Numerous times I told them WTF with what they were doing with my nieces and nephews...to which they invariably responded "you just don't understand." Bullshit. They were raised just like I was and weren't doing their kids any favors in the least. I worried about those kids a great deal, but interestingly, they've turned into parents similar to their grandparents, with some modern, sensible modifications, so maybe there is hope for future generations.

[seabeyond]

26. i was excited when my son was off on his own at college. no tears, but i still had another at home.

ya, i missed him, but he called often, lol. texted and sent pictures. i was so excited for the first visit home during christmas. and a month of cooking for him and picking up his mess, kaundry, two showers or more a day and his total self absorption in his greatness, lol. i learned. yes. was time he was on his own. a great lesson. that first christmas break back, i had to shoo him out the door. the first year can be tough.

and though stepping out was easy for my oldest and i, it is going to be that much easier with the youngest in another year. we are all ready. good stuff.

and never the end. we stay connected, so huge ass, duh... enjoy your life.

as far as calling the school ect... i hear people do that. meh.... i have confidence in my kids. and even if i did not, it is part of walking life, resolving conflict. i left it to them, mostly, as they grew up. i was there. but was theirs to do. both kids pretty much prides themselves in problem resolution.

i graduated at 17. my parents allowed me to be an adult. all us kids. i always valued that in them. i gave the same to mine.

[Starry Messenger]

27. I'm an adjunct.

I've had parents email me about grades. Don't do this, parents.

[LeftishBrit]

39. As a university teacher, I've only experienced that ONCE; and it was 25 years ago!

At that time it was letter and phone not e-mail; but same principle.

My other odd experience was when a student's mother contacted me to see if I could get her (the mother!) a grant for some work in a totally different area from my own. Again, about 20 years ago. I haven't noticed massive changes over the years as regards this sort of thing.

[Starry Messenger]

41. It happens here, not a ton, but it's always kind of wtf when it does.

http://www.bostonglobe.com/arts/2013/11/09/parents-overly-involved-college-students-lives/mfYvA5R9IhRpJytEbFpxUP/story.html

http://www.sptimes.com/2006/06/19/State/Mommy__tell_my_profes.shtml

http://www.usnews.com/education/blogs/professors-guide/2010/05/12/10-reasons-parents-should-never-contact-college-professors

[abelenkpe]

30. I love these threads

Where people get to poo poo today's parents and talk about how they did it so much better.

[paleotn]

32. They did. (nt)

[seabeyond]

33. my parents were excellent. yet, when boys were young she confided, she wished she had

implemented parenting more the way i was parenting. i was older. financially secure. no stress or pressures. grown up and ready to be a parent. tons more patient. and educated. and aware in my parenting.

as i explained to her. different times. she worked with what she had.

i parent on the ... dont throw the baby out with the bath water. often going to parenting that worked when i was a kid, to help me along while i parented.

i disagree with you.

[djean111]

52. Yes, the way my dad constantly belittled and hit us 60 years ago was so much better!

[treestar]

64. True The conditions were different

So they'd be as average today as they were then, I would bet.

[exboyfil]

35. I am a helicopter parent in one critical fashion

Once it is determined what my child wants to accomplish, I work to remove systemic barriers to accomplishing that goal. For this reason my oldest will be graduating with a Mechanical Engineering degree from Iowa State two years after she graduated from high school. My younger daughter is on track to enter an accelerated nursing program the day after she graduates from high school (she will also be a junior/senior towards her biology degree and Spanish minor at that time). She will have a B.S. in Nursing 15 months after high school graduation. She is uncertain whether she wants to progress up the nursing path or eventually go to medical school. By doing her Nursing degree so quickly she can work part time as a nurse while taking a couple of classes a semester for two years or so. At that point she not only will have her Biology degree, she will have more than satisfied her coursework for entrance to medical school while having broad exposure to the healthcare field in a critical role.

To accomplish this you need committed children, but you also need to go toe to toe with adults counselors (both at the high school and college level). At the high school level the focus is on Advanced Placement courses even though these do not translate well to our public universities. I have even had an English teacher tell me that she was not interested in the fact that the AP Composition class was useless at two of the three public universities. Another science teacher complained that so many students were foregoing the science options at high school (AP Chemistry, Biology) that the students should be prevented from doing that (so long as the parent has the dollars they can't stop me from registering my children for college classes). They did prevent my youngest from taking the AP Biology test so I had her take the CLEP version instead (she placed out of 8 hours freshman Biology - a topic she probably knows more about than the students who actually have finished the college classes). Both daughters only had a few classes at the high school their junior and senior year, but they had plenty of expensive university classes that were paid for by the high school (once the high school does not offer the class then they have to pay for it at the rate of $250/class).

It is getting better because of pressure on the public universities, but the default position seems to be to keep the students in classes as long as possible. It was with my wife when I started dating her 30 years ago who was advised to take her general liberal arts classes first before her major classes. I quickly pointed out to her that she was on the five year plan then. She graduated in four years, but only had 3 hours her final semester because we figured out the critical path.

I do keep up with their grades in college. Maybe it is a form of codependency, but early on I did help them in their classes (kind of like an all call tutor). As far as my older daughter's personal life, I have kept strictly hands off. This past semester I did not help either daughter significantly in their classes (other than purchasing or checking out some books that I knew would help them). Both daughters have high grade point averages.

For my engineering daughter, her early graduation translates into over $100K in her bank account (nearly the cost of a starter home in our state). I think my younger daughter has increased her probability of getting into medical school while having an early career that will support her if the medical school thing does not work out.

[VA_Jill]

45. As a retired RN

I have some concern about your daughter working as a nurse at a very young age--by my calculation she will be 20 when she graduates from her nursing program, am I correct? IMNSHO, very few young people have the maturity, in their early 20s, to cope with the demands of the nursing profession today. While they may be able to cope with the technical aspects, I have serious doubts that they can deal with the emotional aspects of the profession, which are many and difficult. Unless your daughter is unusually, and I mean UNUSUALLY, mature for her years, as a manager, I would be very reluctant to hire her.

[exboyfil]

58. Thanks for the input

My daughter is very mature for her age, but you right that it could be a concern. She has her CNA (her clinicals went well), and plans to work in that field as soon as she turns 18 (for insurance reasons most nursing homes don't use CNAs younger than 18 in our area).

I will talk with her about your concerns. I know she is dedicated towards a career in healthcare (she actually would like to work for Doctors without Borders eventually). It may be that she will finish her Biology degree before starting nursing school. We have been in contact with the nursing program she is interested in, and the application process for entrance starts in June. Her grandmother is a retired nurse, and she has spent considerable time with my daughter as well.

[VA_Jill]

78. Another concern

is "working part time" as a new nurse. There is SO much to learn once you get out of school that you just don't learn in school. Most places actually have an "internship" period for new nurses now, and in many specialties that can last as long as a year and requires a nurse to work full-time. Of course if she goes to work on a med/surg floor or in someplace like a nursing home it may be different, but transitioning from a position as CNA to RN, especially on the same unit, is very difficult. I have watched a few new nurses try that and I don't recommend it....the transition should ideally be made on a completely different unit or even in a different institution.

[3catwoman3]

59. As a still working nurse practitioner, I share...

...your concern. I also have very grave reservations about the short/accelerated BSN programs that have proliferated so greatly over the past several years. A bachelor's in nursing in 15 months? What other professions grant bachelor's degrees with such ab abbreviated course of study?

Our profession needs to make up its mind about what we want to be. Too many educational paths, IMO. A young staff nurse in the peds office where I work got her associate nursing degree at a brick-and-mortar community college, and then did her bachelor's degree totally on line. No addition real life clinical requirements? WTH???

[exboyfil]

61. The 15 months is on top

of the 60 hours of math, science and liberal arts classes. It is four semesters long (two summers or two falls). Total credits are around the 120 for most B.S. degrees. Actually my daughter would have closer to 140 hours with the extra science and Spanish classes. The 15 months are filled with clinicals - no on line. I actually think it is a better program than our state university B.S. Nursing degree for one important reason - the program my daughter is looking at requires a CNA - amazingly the admissions at the state university nursing school does not even require it, and even seemed to imply that it made no difference in admissions or prior preparation.

Obviously you can't tell complete competency from a test, but the program my daughter is interested in has very similar NCLEX results to the state university (actually has had higher results in some cases even though it is very difficult to get into the state program).

Given her prior coursework even the state university program could be completed in 2 1/2 years if she could get the classes.

[LeftishBrit]

36. Helicopter parents are more a symptom of the problem than the cause

In the UK, and even more in the USA as I understand, college education is increasingly expensive, and the chances of a secure job immediately after graduation are increasingly low. Parents are therefore forking out increasingly for their children's education, and the children are dependent for longer than in the past. Those (the parents in this case) who pay the piper call the tune.

Those, whose parents cannot afford to help them much in paying fees, may choose their college so that they can live at home and reduce expenses. This makes them even more dependent on their parents than the previous group.

Those whose parents cannot afford to give them any help at all may have to forego higher education altogether.

[seabeyond]

38. after college grad, my son will be going to further education for 3 yrs. i think geeez, paying his

car insurance into his middle or late 20's. before he will make an ok paycheck and be able to pick up costs. i think about this and shake my head often. just wasnt the same with us growing up.

[Spitfire of ATJ]

44. Some of these parents are control freaks....

Some of their kids are so pent up that they're the ones that bust loose and do the really STUPID shit like chugging a whole bottle of JD.

[MrMickeysMom]

48. These, no doubt, are the same parents who distance themselves from their K-12 responsibilities...

They routinely parade in front of the School District to publicly complain, but don't understand the stakes we ALL have in how we learn, and what we do to foster learning.

[calimary]

51. Yeah... I cried all the way to the airport.

I knew this was the end of a big chapter. And she WAS already independent as hell. And I knew she was gonna be okay. I also knew I wasn't gonna be so lucky, at least for awhile...

[giftedgirl77]

53. I don't do that to my son who is a junior in hs...

I make him handle most of his issues on his own, then if he gets push back or they give him crap about needing parental approval then I get involved. I don't want him going off to college flying blind.

[avebury]

57. I heard a true story of a state agency that

was interviewing a young man for a possible job. The young man's parents actually came to the job interview with their son.

I asked the person telling the story if they young man got the job. The answer - NO.

In my previous position, I cannot tell you how many times I received phones calls from parents trying to find out job information for their children. I always thought that the child needed to be making the phone call. We hired kids right out of college and I noticed as time went along that we were seeing new employees with less skills necessary to survive in the real world. I found myself having to parent some of these kids as I tried to train them with the knowledge of how to function within our organization and as adults. And don't talk to me about kids that were home schooled before college. People skills were an issue. One young man did improve over time. Another young man was like watching a train wreck. There was no doubt that he was going to get slapped down pretty hard, which he did. He didn't last. As he approached the end of his training year, no department was willing to accept him. His behavior had made him a pariah in our agency.

[3catwoman3]

62. During a nearly 40 year pediatric nurse practitioner career, I have....

...seen about every variety of parenting you could imagine, and a few you probably couldn't (or wouldn't want to).

Every time I indulge in the "I've seen it all" thought, I find I haven't. A couple of years ago, I had a 12 year old girl who came in for a possible bladder infection. She did not have one. As the visit was concluding, I reviewed the crucial aspects of proper female hygiene techniques, with emphasis on proper "directional" cleansing, so to speak.

The mom piped up, "I do that." At first, naturally enough, I thought she was referring to her own habits. Imagine my horror when I figured out she was still assisting/overseeing her 12 year old daughter after the kid peed. I was speechless. This was not a special needs child. After collecting my thoughts, I suggested to the mom that her daughter was old enough to assume this responsibility on her own. The mom blithely replied, "Oh, I don't mind." My brain was screaming, "You SHOULD mind!!!"

So far, this one has not been topped.

[Hekate]

74. Holy moley

[bvar22]

65. Mini-Fridge????

Why, back in the day......

[progressoid]

70. Back in the day,

we could smoke and drink in the dorms. Hell, sometimes even in class.

[hifiguy]

67. The generation being raised by this kind of parent

is going to be in for one hellacious shock in the real world.

[awoke_in_2003]

72. I've got helicopter step daughters...

I cannot seem to get rid of them. Luckily, I get to be around my grandchildren.

[Ex Lurker]

77. A while back, a DUer whose child is at the Naval Academy posted about helicopter parents

at the Naval Academy, mind you.

[Brickbat]

79. Don't helicopter! But for god's sake don't let them walk to school by themselves either!

What kind of parent are you? How could you let your kid fail a class? Don't you want him to succeed? Why aren't you helping him study more? If he doesn't get a degree he'll never amount to anything! Don't help him too much, though! Quit helicoptering!

The greatest thing a parent can do is realize everything she does will be deemed wrong by someone or another. Then she is free.

[DemocraticWing]

80. A small minority of parents today.

Unlike the old days when American families kept their kids close, never to go to college or even more than 10 miles from the family farm for the rest of their lives. Those communities were so closed off that they became narrow minded, and began to cling to nationalist and Christian fundamentalist rhetoric.

America: The Helicopter Society

[Nolimit]

81. My slight defense of Helicopter parenting....

I struggled with an economics statistics class my first term of college. I had failed the first two exams and didn't know what to do or that I had any options. My mom sensed something was wrong during a visit and took it upon herself to contact the dean to discuss my problem. He reached out to me and we had a talk. I was able to withdraw from the class and avoid the F. If she hadn't done that I would have failed, lost my scholarships, and would have had to leave the school.

[TexasMommaWithAHat]

82. I think there is another reason for parents involvement in dorm situations.

There's nothing like sending your kid to school only to find out that his roommate has a permanent "guest" over and your kid is sofa surfing here and there due to the perpetual interloper. I've actually had two friends tell me their kids had this problem, which is one reason my kids went straight into apartments with their own bedrooms.

Taking it up with the RA, head of the dorm, student relations or whatever you want to call the people in charge - it doesn't help. Young adults are supposed to know how to compromise, but, unfortunately, "compromise" is not in everyone's vocabulary, so working it out usually means moving out.

When I was in school, we could have "guests" in our room for visitation hours. How quaint. LOL

[kairos12]

84. They are Snowplow Parents. Trying to remove every obstacle in front of their precious.