What We Gain When Adoptees Tell Their Stories

[me b zola]

What We Gain When Adoptees Tell Their Stories

~snip~
Truth is, I'm not angry today. It's the beginning of my weekend and I woke up inspired to write. However the misconception is alive and well that adoptees who "speak out" are viewed as angry, and ungrateful for all they have been given. When really adoptees who speak out should be viewed as brave.

And while we are on that topic, here are some other common reactions adoptees receive when they discuss their true feelings, even in "safe adoptee spaces" (and sometimes the comment hurlers are other adoptees!)

*Well, you could have ended up in a dumpster
* You could have been aborted!
* At least you got parents who loved and wanted you!
* I wish I had been adopted
* Stop focusing on the negative and focus on the positive
* Stop living in the past!
* I'm sure you had a much better life as an adoptee
* My cousin's best friend's sister's niece doesn't feel that way!
* There are worse things in life than being adopted


I'm sure if you are adopted, you have been told all of these things and could make a full separate list.

What do all these comments have in common?

I-n-v-a-l-i-d-a-t-i-o-n!



~snip~

So in an effort to #flipthescript, how about we make it a goal for the future, to make space for all adoptee viewpoints, even conflicting ones? Why not bite on our tongues for a few minutes while an adoptee shares their truth with you. How about refrain from commenting on what you have always believed to be true about adoption as an institution and listen to the person who has experienced it speaking to you?

~much more At link~
http://noapologiesforbeingme.blogspot.com/2015/11/what-we-gain-when-adoptees-tell-their.html

I am not the author of this blog post. I have posted here to hopefully educate & illuminate.

[pipoman]

1. Are there statistics showing the stories of adoptees are different than anyone else?

[me b zola]

2. Would you ask that same question to someone from another group, e.g. LGBTQ, racial or religious?

Or are you just trying to add a new one to the list:

*Well, you could have ended up in a dumpster
* You could have been aborted!
* At least you got parents who loved and wanted you!
* I wish I had been adopted
* Stop focusing on the negative and focus on the positive
* Stop living in the past!
* I'm sure you had a much better life as an adoptee
* My cousin's best friend's sister's niece doesn't feel that way!
* There are worse things in life than being adopted
*Are there statistics showing the stories of adoptees are different than anyone else?


Do you need statistics to know that I am not entitled to my own birth certificate? Do you need statistics to know that the birth certificate that I have been issued is a lie~completely legal big fat lie? Do you need statistics to know that my mother was sent away to a maternity home and forced to relinquish me? What about my story do I need statistics for?

[pnwmom]

11. Yes. Even those adopted as babies have higher rates of mental illness.

But parents who are aware of the need to validate the child's feelings have a better chance of beating the odds.

http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/articles/adoption-and-mental-illness

Does adoption pose psychological risks? University of Minnesota researchers revisited this controversial issue recently and found that common DSM-IV childhood disorders are more prevalent in adoptees than nonadoptees.1 They also found that adoptees are more likely to have contact with mental health professionals.


The mental health of adoptees has become an increasingly important issue as the number of adoptions in the United States continues to rise. According to the National Council For Adoption,1 there were 130,269 domestic adoptions and 21,063 intercountry adoptions in 2002. (In 1996 there were 108,463 domestic adoptions and 11,303 intercountry adoptions.) US Census figures in 2000 indicated that nearly 1.6 million children and teenagers under 18 years in the US and Puerto Rico are adopted.2

The adoption study compared a random sample of 540 adolescents born in Minnesota, who were not adopted, with a representative sample of adoptees (514 international adoptees and 178 domestic adoptees). The children had been placed by the 3 largest adoption agencies in Minnesota.3

“All of the kids were adopted within the first 2 years of life, but the great majority were adopted within the first year,” said Margaret A. Keyes, PhD, lead author of the study and a research psychologist. “The average age at placement was 4 months. So it is not as if you are looking at 3- and 4-year-olds coming over on a plane from a faraway country.”

- See more at: http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/articles/adoption-and-mental-illness#sthash.SuoQtckk.dpuf

[B2G]

3. How about you stop dismissing those with a positive adoption story?

Not everyone had an experience like yours.

[me b zola]

4. The pro adoption industry stories are all that get told or listened to

Rather than hurling comments such as:" Not everyone had an experience like yours." you should try reading articles and blogs written from an adoptee POV. In college I took a course in American Studies, where we listened history as told by seldom listened to groups of people. It was hands down my favorite class, as we were drawn into other people's lives and circumstances. If a person were struggling with empathy before they took this class, they had learned a lot about empathy during the course of the class.

[B2G]

5. I have

I have also seen your numerous posts on this.

You seem to discount every adoptee who doesn't have an experience like yours.

[me b zola]

6. Just what is "an experience like mine"?

I discount no one who has not discounted me first. Sorry dear, I don't play that game/

[B2G]

8. A bad one. nt

[me b zola]

9. I don't even understand what that means

You make it sound like a ride at Disneyland. Mr Toads ride, did you have a good experience or was it bad? You have taken a complex issue and turned it into a very black and white issue. This is what the blogger is talking about in her post, that different adoptees have various things to say related to being an adoptee or adoption as an institution. The author is stating that as a society we would benefit if when speaking about adoption, adoptee voices should be listened to. Does that offend?

BTW, you didn't even have to click on the link to see, right there in the posted material, one of the constant & unwelcomed retorts that an adoptee is confronted with whenever they dare speak of any issue surrounding adoption in anything less than glowing terms is, "* Stop focusing on the negative and focus on the positive "

I have scratched my head attempting to understand how you or anyone could find this post objectionable. I am beginning to believe that posts like yours are performance art.

[pnwmom]

12. The OP does NOT dismiss anyone with a positive adoption story.

It asks people to be GOOD LISTENERS when adopted people are talking about their lives.

Which obviously is a very hard thing for some people to do.

[WillowTree]

7. I hope that you find some peace in life. It can't have been easy for you.

[me b zola]

10. I do not understand your response to this post

The author is asking people to listen to adoptee voices without their preconceived notions about what it means to be adopted or our "experiences". But you sound as though you are being empathetic, so ty for that, for positive thoughts.

As for peace, well, I have found a whole bunch of it . Last Halloween at 52 I got married for the first time! Every anniversary hopefully will be a hoot. <<==although my husband does not drink, he does like to play

[pnwmom]

13. THANK YOU. This is a good rule in general. People should try to be good listeners

and, especially when other people are talking about their own lives, not offer unsolicited advice or opinions.

This is a book that would be good for any parent to read, no matter whether their children were adopted or not:

The Power of Validation: Arming Your Child Against Bullying, Peer Pressure, Addiction, Self-Harm, and Out-of-Control Emotions

[me b zola]

14. Thank YOU for being an ally

I have found in life it is easier (and much more rewarding) to actually listen to and care about people whom have different circumstances in life than myself rather then the energy it takes to dismiss them and talk over them.