Am I allowed to share some good news?

[inanna]

Things are starting to look up for me personally, and for Canadians as a whole. (More on that later.)

The recession hit me hard. But, as a long time DUer, I knew it was coming way ahead of time. Got myself stabilised in a very low rent situation, giving up the apartment that had been costing me nearly a grand a month (rent + cable/internet/phone).

A perfect storm was brewing on a personal level though: I wound up leaving a job I loved (full-time permanent + benefits) after a ba-aaaad situation unfolded between myself & several co-workers versus an alcoholic supervisor. Got so bad, I requested to become part-time (to avoid working any shifts with this guy) - and then eventually quit, because I just couldn't make it.

I found a higher paying job, but the hours were way less than what I'd had previously. I still wasn't really making it. The only thing that saved my skin at this point was the very low-rent situation I was in.

Now what happened next was nobody's fault (it's genetic) but the lack of empathy I experienced didn't help matters:

I went into depression. A pitch black depression. I was 'in the void'. I was nearly comatose, at times. I couldn't even recognise myself, it was that bad. And though I've long been prone to this condition, I never imagined I could get that low. I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

It lasted nearly two fucking years. I was forced to take sick leave. I thought it would never end. And through all of it, the news kept getting dimmer. And dimmer. No hope for a better job, no hope for a better world. On both the macro and micro level, everything sucked.

You know, I kept one of those "gratitude" journals. It was a suggestion by my therapist. Did it help? I dunno, maybe a smidge. But reading it now is so bittersweet: I was "grateful" for my daughter. My dog. A walk at the track. A kind word...from anybody. I was grateful when I could read more than three paragraphs of a book without losing focus. (Me! The bookworm!) Or when I didn't freak out and have a full blown panic attack at the grocery store. When I accomplished something "major" - like doing a damn load of laundry.

So. Remember that job I mentioned, that I loved? The one I had to quit, for my own sanity? I never burned my bridges with my department manager there - I left on good terms. With him, and most of my coworkers that remained. One day, right out of the blue, he called me up and asked me to go back. He knew I was a mess, knew I was on meds. He said, "Just come back, and we'll go slow with this."

So I did.

Some things had changed though. Cuz the recession. They no longer hired permanent full-time. I wouldn't be eligible for benefits. I wouldn't be on my favourite shift, either. But the source of my problem there (the alcoholic supervisor) was long gone. Most of my beloved coworkers were still there. Everything felt familiar and....right. And my boss was giving me 40 hours +/wk anyway. It was a major improvement over ekeing out an existence on sick benefits.

Fast forward --------->>>

I've been back at work a year and a few months now. The depression lingers on, but it is not nearly as severe as it was. I'm functioning again. Just two days ago, my current employer announced a pretty major wage hike for all employees, plus a benefits package for all part-time permanent staff. In addition, I've just landed an awesome interview for an awesome job that would pay far more. I told my current employer, and he's willing to have me stay on (if I get the other job) as a "call-in casual." So that's the micro-level stuff.

Macro-level? Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. He makes me proud to be Canadian. And then there's the basic income pilot program that is supposed to begin this fall. (I'm in Ontario.)

If anybody wonders why a basic income benefit would be so important to someone like me, just read this post again.

Thanks for allowing me to share.

Inanna

[Mike Nelson]

1. That is good news...

...keep looking up.

[inanna]

5. Thanks.

[Downwinder]

2. Anything in that "gratitude" journal about having health care?

[inanna]

4. Not in the journal, no. My bad.

But I certainly am very grateful for our health care system here.

You better believe it.

The therapist I mentioned? Paid for by our health care system.

[Downwinder]

6. People are not appreciative of it until they don't

have it.

Glad you are doing better.

[Dustlawyer]

36. Very glad to hear that you have been getting better and better.

Maybe we can get Bernie in and start fighting in earnest for Universal Health Care here.

Last Wednesday I had to take my younger brother to the ER. He is totally disabled and lives on $735 a month and help from me and mom. He is an alcoholic and addicted to pain killers due to an old severe back injury. He is understandably depressed a well. I had to threaten to sue the ER Doctor and the hospital because they didn't want to admit him. Said his lab results were not bad enough, though almost none of them were within normal range. They agreed to keep him 1 day and admitted it was only because I threatened to sue and I am an attorney.

The next morning the doctor assigned saw his same lab results and was greatly alarmed. Plus he was yellow, covered in sores and weighed only 100 lbs at 5'8" tall. His legs and feet were swollen and they couldn't get a catheter in in the ER. It took 20 hours to pee and when he did it looked the color of a coke. He is severely malnourished.

They said he has severe liver failure, but will go back to beer and pills when he gets out. I checked into getting a Guardianship so I could get him into a nursing home and hopefully treatment. I was told by the hospital chaplain that we could only get him committed for 72 hours. There is no place for him, "unless he had Trump type of money." Most insurance policies will only pay for 1-2 weeks per year for mental health treatment and rehab.

The chaplain says he has been doing his job for 35 years and at the beginning the U.S. Was 44th out of the top 50 richest countries in mental health care. We have been 50th now for some time. He said our mentally ill and addicts either live on the street, jail, or prison. I guess people don't want to help because they don't want to acknowledge that alcoholism is a disease. Many doctors and hospitals must forget that too!

It may be too late for my brother, but Bernie gives me hope! Even if he doesn't win he will still lead the fight, I was glad to hear Jane, his wife, say that in an interview. As you have discovered, things can get better with a little help up and perseverance.

I wish you continued recovery and good health!

[inanna]

39. Wow. So sorry to hear about your brother

and his troubles.

I sincerely hope that situation improves.

[Dustlawyer]

41. Thanks. He is doing what he wants and I have decided to stop trying to get him to

change his mind. It hasn't worked for 30 years and strains our relationship, so I will leave it and we can enjoy the time he has left.

It's good that you have a good understanding of your depression and that things are looking up. I lost a child in 1993 and was a basket case for two years. I finally decided that I would find something from that to help me. I learned two very important things from it once I opened my eyes.

First, you are not guaranteed tomorrow so you must take as much joy in what you are doing at each moment, even if it is something you don't like to do. You can find humor in it, or some part of it that lightens the mood. I had always been deferring things for later when I had more money or time, I don't do that any longer and I am a much happier and less serious person;

Second, I realized that unless I lost one of my other kids I had survived the worst life could throw at me. This taught me not to sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff compared to that. This one may not help you or very many others, except that when something is really bothering/upsetting/stressing you, put it into perspective. Usually you can recall something worse that you got past. The knowledge of that helps you to understand that you will get past the current issue as well. It won't be fun be it will be overcome!

These two things really helped me again last week when I had to take my brother to the ER and fight the hospital all day into the late night; have a melanoma cut out of my shoulder the next day (Thursday); and have my mom admitted to the same hospital for a possible cardiac event on Friday. Now it's Sunday and mom is out of the hospital, though more tests to be done and I celebrated my oldest daughter's birthday yesterday at my grandson's baseball game.

Life is a mixed bag for everyone so we should treat each other with respect, help each other, and enjoy things as much as possible. Not a bad way to live! Take care and thanks for allowing me to vent a little, it helps too!

[DemocracyDirect]

3. Great news and glad you are doing better.

Always remember that so many others in this world have a much harder time at any given moment.

Having said that depression is really hard, and it's okay to feel pity for oneself and take it easy.

[tomm2thumbs]

7. thanks for sharing that!

and I'm sure you've already seen, but Trudeau making light of a slightly condescending reporter

Love it!!!

[Bernardo de La Paz]

12. Trudeau is a ray of liberal sunshine in Canada and the world, with his "sunny ways"

He used to be a teacher too, and does not lack for intelligence or the ability to work hard to get a job done.

[tomm2thumbs]

13. and being nicely-clever is such a rare commodity

he made his point without having to swing out

[longship]

17. That reporter was smacked down gently.

But smacked down he was.

[inanna]

22. Ha!

No, I had not seen that, but love it.

Thanks for posting!

[tomm2thumbs]

25. thanks for your original post!

I have been in deep ruts and turned to YouTube to hunt up ideas. Has been helpful for me, and sometimes learned a few tricks. Definitely keep at it. One thing I found is emotions can reset for myself after sleeping, so sometimes I just hit the hay and await a fresh start the next day. Your journal of appreciation sounds great and I found focus wheels are helpful. Probably something hunt-able on YouTube or lemme know and I can dig and post you a link about 'em. Sometimes exploring is the discovery process that helps.

[LittleGirl]

37. No I had not seen that so

thanks for posting it. I was busy since this video hit the news but finally had a moment now!

[progressoid]

8. ...

[Victor_c3]

9. Depression is a bitch, I'm glad to hear things can get better for anyone struggling with it

It's taken me a number of years and some fortunate twists in my life to help pull me out of it myself. I don't want to turn my reply into a focus on me, but I left my job and finally had my disability pensions approved (i.e. gotten some financial stability in my life) in the last year and I have a new lease on life.

Not having to worry about how you're going to pay the month's rent, being able to pay your power bill on time without struggling, and having a few extra dollars in your pocket so you can splurge and take your kids out to eat at a local diner every once in a while has done a tremendous amount of good to me psychologically. I smile more and worry less and I can finally say to myself "life is good" and actually believe it.

As you say your depression lingers I've noticed mine does too. I don't believe depression ever totally goes away. I believe it is fundamentally caused by brain chemistry that we have little control over. However I've gone through numerous cycles of relapse and I've come to learn when I'm feeling one moment away from suicide (I've had several suicide attempts, so I know where that line is for me) that if I just wait it out the wave will pass and things will become manageable again at some point in the future. Even better than that, manageable can become enjoyable. When things feel good I'm so glad I stuck it out.

Anyways, congratulations on your success and recovery.

[inanna]

24. Hey there!

Thanks for sharing a bit of your story here, sometimes depression can be so lonely, when it feels like no one else relates.

Congrats to you as well!

[Divernan]

10. Thank you for sharing your very good news.

When I go in for my annual exam, one of the health history questions is whether I've been depressed. And as I always reply that any sentient, moral being in today's world is depressed to one degree or another.

I've struggled with depression a couple of times in my life - enough to recognize it if it rears its ugly head again. Last holiday season was tough - but my solution was to involve myself in helping others who have it worse than I do - right now, that involves volunteering to help homeless women vets and arranging voter registration workshops. Did you know that 20% of the homeless in the US are veterans?

Being retired, I was already involved in a lot of volunteer work in other areas - am both an appointed official in my township and a minor elected official (judge of elections) in my county, a treasurer for a civic group, etc., but nobody needs or is more deserving of help than the homeless, including vets. It is a national disgrace.

It's great that the employment situation has turned the corner for you - I'm sure your daughter, dog and job demand more hours than you have in a day - just wanted to mention to any retired DUers that reaching out/volunteering is one anecdote to keep minor (as opposed to clinical) depression at bay.

[tomm2thumbs]

14. great advice

and definitely have experienced the joys that doing for others can bring, especially when you least expect it

[inanna]

26. Divernan...

Thanks for your beautiful reply. Sorry though, to hear you've experienced depression too.

In my case, my (current) boss made a world of difference. Not many like him around anymore....

[Bernardo de La Paz]

11. Folks, pay attention to this powerful bit that inanna wrote:

You know, I kept one of those "gratitude" journals. It was a suggestion by my therapist. Did it help? I dunno, maybe a smidge. But reading it now is so bittersweet: I was "grateful" for my daughter. My dog. A walk at the track. A kind word...from anybody.

Never lose sight of the power of a kind word.

We can all be thankful for the little things that are ... you know ... important, like family, pets, walks, a world to enjoy.

Thanks Inanna and keep on truckin'.

[longship]

15. ...

[polly7]

16. I'm so glad you're doing better, Innana.

[inanna]

40. Thank you Polly.

I haven't been as active on DU lately, but I've still been reading a lot.

You have been posting some fabulous stuff, especially in Good Reads.

So thank you!

[TuxedoKat]

18. Wow

What a rough time you've had. I'm glad things are so much better now for you now. I hope they continue on that path. I myself recently got a part-time job with a great company in an industry I left reluctantly years ago and am so happy. Good luck with your interview!

[ScreamingMeemie]

19. Thank you for fighting (and winning!) the battle.

I'm so glad you shared this with us. May your future be filled with only happiness.

On a side note: Your Prime Minister makes me want to renounce my citizenship.

[lumberjack_jeff]

20. People don't appreciate how important work is to our emotional health.

The proportion of people who would choose to sit around the house and play video games instead of working is small.

[jwirr]

21. Thank you and good news is always welcome. Your news is

also good for the USA. The change in direction in your country tells us that our hopes are not fruitless.

[Rex]

23. Of course you can, this is GD...not GD-P.

[malaise]

27. Very good news

[Thespian2]

28. Thanks for sharing your good news...

a basic income benefit is far better than US government programs for the poor...

Thumbs up from Nova Scotia...

[oldandhappy]

29. WOW Very good news.

I am happy for you. Thank you for your story. We all can use a little good news. The primaries in the States have messed with all of us. Your story brings us together in joy and gladness. Does your name mean something? Congratulations. And fingers crossed on the new job possibility.

[inanna]

30. Inanna was an ancient Sumerian goddess...

and is also the name of a beautiful song by my very favourite Canadian band.

The band is called The Tea Party....no worries, they have absolutely NO association with the political movement in the U.S. - and have been around since the very early 90's.

Also, they are not a band suited to everybody's tastes - much of what they do is very heavy and very intense.

Here is the song that inspired my DU user name (an acoustic version):

The original version from Edges of Twilight may be too much for some ears - although I love it.

Thanks for asking.

[oldandhappy]

31. Like it a lot, so glad I asked! Thank you.

You keep the music and the vision of an ancient Sumerian goddess right in front of you!

[kairos12]

32. Very happy for you. You are a determined person. Bravo.

[bvar22]

33. Welcome Back.

Today, I finished demolishing a dilapidated chicken coop, and set the first post for the new one.
While not as dramatic or dangerous as your 2 years in the dark night of the soul, it is always inspiring clear away the damage of the past and start building something new and better.
You have my respect.

[TygrBright]

34. You've gotten pretty darn good at the gratitude journaling, too!

::grinz::

Thanks for sharing it with us.

Depression I get. Been there, done that, more than once, came close to checking out twice. But learned a lot and decided to stick around instead.

One thing I learned about recovery is that the tools that take the longest do the most sustainable job. I tried pills, various types of therapy, etc. Ultimately what "worked" is changing everything, in small increments, over a long time horizon. Still struggle with the jerkbrain, but overall, I'm happier than I've ever been.

Gratitude is a big part. So: Thank you. Hearing your story came at a good time for me.

You helped.

gratefully,
Bright

[passiveporcupine]

35. What an amazing post

Going from bad to worse, to better to even better.

I am so sorry about your depression and that it's lasted so long, but I too suffer from depression and anxiety issues and have other issues as well, so I know how that can go. I'm really happy to hear you are coming out of it and your life is looking up. How is your daughter doing? How old is she? Was she able to help you?

Any way, good luck with the new job and I'm glad you will be part of the trial basic income test. I hope that helps you a lot.

Keep the faith...now that you have Justin, things might really start getting better in Canada. He's so adorable and I wish he were going to be out President.

[2naSalit]

38. Very good news!

Been down that road, it's a climb to get up and go again but some of us manage to make it and do well, like you have! Congrats on the job scene, that's a really positive thing! And on coming back from the other place!