Give me some advice, please. I'm having a hard time.

[TygrBright]

At the moment, I feel surrounded by loss, impending loss, and other forms of chaos.

People I am close to are experiencing great loss and illness in their lives-- many of them. A work colleague's parent just died of an unexpectedly fast-moving cancer. Another colleague just had to disconnect a beloved sister from life support over the weekend, and then found out today that a close friend passed last night. A cousin is standing "last watch" on very frail elderly parents. A neighbor's partner passed and he made the decision to move away. A close friend is in deep anxiety over the health of a partner with multiple and severe health issues. I just found out that another close friend's partner has early-onset Alzheimers.

What I want, is to be helpful, supportive, caring, sensitive. The pain all of these people I care about are experiencing is very real to me, too. I don't want to distance myself from it, but there's just so much, it's hard to cope, the bad news seems like it won't stop coming.

The feelings I'm trying to manage right now are complex. There's a touch of "there but for the grace of God" gratitude, mediated by survivor's guilt. There's resentment that so much is all happening at once, and it's a challenge to keep up. But most of all, there's sense of helpless sorrow, the wish to be able to do something to ease others' pain, and the knowledge that there's so many ways to be saying and doing the wrong things from the best intentions.

I know there's been a lot of loss and pain and difficulty for a number of folks here, recently, too.

If you have any counsel to offer about what is, and isn't helpful, from those around you in such times, I'd be most grateful if you'd share it.

reflectively,
not-quite-so-Bright-today

[yardwork]

1. Wow. That is a lot of loss at once.

I'm sorry for all these losses.

Since you ask for advice, I suggest that you be good to yourself. Being supportive of people experiencing losses can be a heavy burden. Pace yourself. Give what you can, then give yourself time and nurturing.

Taking care of yourself will keep you healthy and strong. You will be more help to others that way.

[TygrBright]

5. Thank you. Wise words.

It is easy for me to put my own needs aside when those I love are in pain.

Easy but counter-productive.

Your words help reinforce intelligent choices, I'll hope to make them.

appreciatively,
Bright

[A Little Weird]

2. I don't have any wise words

But I understand somewhat the overwhelming sense of loss and helplessness.

I wish I could offer more than a virtual hug. Hang in there and don't forget to take care of yourself while you're taking care of others.

[TygrBright]

6. Virtual hugs count, too. Thank you. n/t

[brush]

3. Try to stay strong and do what you can to help. That's a lot to deal with. My sympathies.

I know of the devastation of loss as I lost my beloved last year. I know how tough it is.

[TygrBright]

7. Thank you for reaching out.

Loss connects our core humanity to one another if we allow it, but it's a very painful process.

I think time changes the nature of the pain, but it doesn't "take it away."

appreciatively,
Bright

[villager]

4. It's hard, Bright. I had a year like that, about three years ago

...though it involved the loss of a parent, the near (and quite sudden) loss of another, several friends passing unexpectedly, etc. (And a big legal battle, and a move from one house to another, to boot!)

I don't know that there's a formula -- I just kept reaching out, kept being with people, talking about it, going through many of the various rituals, etc.

This year (so far, and quite thankfully, though there was another hair-raising, near-miss scrape that just happened a couple days ago) hasn't been like that.

I just try to have gratitude for small moments, for those who have been comforts to me, and those I can help comfort in some tiny way.

I guess really the gratitude, in the face of it all, really helped.

Keep posting. Take care.

[TygrBright]

8. "Gratitude for small moments" is good...

I just sent my colleague home- she'd tried to come into the office today and received the news of her close friend's passing while she was here. We sat together for a while, and while I'm wary of 'giving advice' when people are in pain, I did suggest that in the next few days she carve out a little time to be with the beautiful Spring weather, away from the family and friends who are sharing all the pain she's experiencing, too.

I hope that was the right suggestion. I think it was.

uncertainly,
Bright

[villager]

11. Well, it's all uncertain, isn't it?

That's the great fear, the "price tag" that we all share, for all the wonderfulness, for any love or small epiphanies that come our way.

It's all uncertain.

And of course, the vast overcompensation for that is also what's destroying our country, our politics, our planet...

[The Straight Story]

9. I can only offer some basic ideas from experience

Lost a long time neighbor, then my mom, mom#2 as we called a few months later, then my x wife died and got in contact with kids I hadn't seen in many years (two who were still under 18), followed by a few more deaths and that was followed by major life changes like a breakup, son going into army and then iraq, and 3 major moves in 2 years. And that wasn't all of it.

It is never easy and you can't just wish away the pain/anxiety. People will tell you things like "it gets better" or "think about happy things" and so on. But really, that doesn't do shit when you are in the thick of storms like that. It just makes them feel like they did some good deed for the day.

Don't hide or block your feelings - you have valid feelings/fears/sadness and real friends will listen to those without projecting cures onto you because they aren't feeling what you are.

[TygrBright]

18. Yeah, exactly. I want to avoid that "doing some good deed for the day" thing.

There's no tangible thing I can do for anyone, but hopefully I can avoid doing the superficial or insensitive thing.

I do pray/meditate a lot on it, and just try to accept the feelings of futility and let them pass on.

sadly,
Bright

[ancianita]

10. If you're young, it's hard when you realize your limits. Be present as much as you can and

forgive yourself the rest.

We can't save others if we don't take care of ourselves. Get rest, stay healthy, eat when you're hungry and cry when you have to. Helpers need help, too, and even monks must play.

I suppose this sounds general, but we're in tough contexts on all kinds of levels. Don't be afraid to get a disinterested third party who you can go to regularly to sort your feelings and other problems out with.

I spent a good many years remaking myself in counseling (with a lot more to go, admittedly), and though DU has great, wise people, there's a lot to be said for having someone directly in front of you who you can regularly depend on for a validating word or hug or practical help. I'd recommend it.

[TygrBright]

19. "Young" is relative, of course. A third party is a good suggestion, thank you.

I suspect that one reason I'm so conscious of the 'mounting total' feeling is that I am getting older. My mother, in her 80s now, tells me that loss becomes more and more a part of the fabric of your life as you get older, and outlive family members, friends, etc.

So, perhaps, we must learn as we go along how to weave that in and keep going.

But your advice is very timely and helpful. I was already thinking, 'maybe I should ask around for a referral to a good therapist with grief/loss experience, and schedule a couple of sessions.'

And I will do that.

appreciatively,
Bright

[ancianita]

24. You sound like you're around my age (I'm 68)? Love is loss, and as long as you

choose it, which we can't help but do, we face loss. Counseling costs, but there are gains from it we just can't put a price tag on.

I'm afraid for my flaws, my health, my country and its children, the planet. All I can do is find ways to act along with all that, which is the hardest thing to do.

People can't always be with others when they're hurting, and often go through it alone.

Even as children have to escape the hurts of their parents' lives in order to get on with their own, I just remind myself that we're all alone together.

I used to keep "Memos To Self." The writing helped me think.

My ex son-in-law says that a study he's read shows that a four-breath exercise releases negative body cortisone flow that comes with fears. So I've tried it: three deep in- and exhalations, then during the fourth one, breathe in something that gives you joy, hold it, feel it, look at it and let it go. So far it's worked a little more than half the time. Like Obama says, "Better is good."

Every day, patiently take steps that feel right. Then go do what restores you after the hard stuff. Even if it's just listening to your own breathing.

[TygrBright]

25. "We're all alone together" is a good reminder, thanks.

I'm a bit younger than you but we probably remember many of the same shared historical events.

I think "Karate Kid syndrome" is a significant reference- the notion that we can fast-forward to excellence in some area without a balancing loss of focus elsewhere in our lives. When you combine that with the culturally-promoted idea that somewhere out there, there will be a one-time, apply-it-and-and-cure-it-forever "fix" for everything that goes wrong in our lives (if only we buy the right Lydia Pinkham's) we end up internalizing a whole lot of unrealistic expectations, frustration, resentment, and self-blame when life is just rolling along, being life.

I journal, and I'm exploring a lot of subtleties in the relationship between physiology, spirituality, and mental health. I like the sound of the four-breath exercise and I'll add that to my toolbox as well.

Small steps can seem trivial. But taken consistently over time, they produce change, and it usually lasts better than big, dramatic short-term efforts.

appreciatively,
Bright

[yourpaljoey]

12. We want so bad to save those who deserve saving

Sometimes we can; we can push the river, violate causality.
Even a hero sometimes fails. Take pride in who and what you are...
and please keep at it.

To paraphrase someone: "Sometimes I think it is just you and me against
the world (and I am not even so sure about... me)!"

You are a thoughtful poster. Nice to meet you.

[TygrBright]

20. Thank you. I'm glad to meet you, too. n/t

[emulatorloo]

13. Just be there for them, offer to help out (food, errands, entertain the kids etc)

Any thing practical you can do to make their lives easier right now. They are in a world of hurt, help them by doing the stuff they are too overwhelmed to do.

Sorry for your loss.

[grasswire]

14. I have a dear close friend going through multiple areas of deep, legitimate grief..

...and I do not know how to "help" him either. He not only carries his own grief with recent death of his mother, horrible betrayal by his sister, and so on, but he also is carrying grief for others who have lost adult children recently. I don't have much experience with depressed folks. My instinct is to smother with love...LOL...but I know that is not the right thing to do. He will let me do very little to express support in ways that would make ME feel better.

All I can do sometimes is just remind him that I have his back and will always stand with him and never hurt him. Fortunately, he is about to find a new counselor. I suggested one experienced in grief counseling.

I, too, would be very interested in learning more about how to help.

Thanks for starting this thread, Tygyr. Very much.

[TygrBright]

21. You're welcome, thank YOU. I'm seeing the best side of DU, and it's comforting and encouraging. n/t

[GreatGazoo]

15. "The lifeguard can't drown"

They teach you in lifeguard training that when you get to a swimmer in trouble, they may be in a full-on panic and it can be dangerous to you as the lifeguard. If you drown, nobody gets saved.

What I take from that is: take care of yourself so that you can be in a position to be helpful to those who need it. Don't forgo your own needs for rest, nurture and emotional boundaries. It can feel selfish at a time like what you are describing but THAT is exactly when you need to keep yourself strong so that you CAN help others.

My heart goes out to you at this difficult time.

[FSogol]

22. +1. Very good advice. n/t

[TygrBright]

23. That made me smile a little, thank you.

I'm not a lifeguard but I get the gist.

It's one reason why I reached out on DU where I know there are so many thoughtful, caring people.

We are a real community as well as a virtual one... the difference may be intangible but it's meaningful all the same.

appreciatively,
Bright

[libodem]

16. Tygr

You are loving and compassionate. Just being present is enough.

[Glimmer of Hope]

36. So true.. Being present is the best thing you can do.

[riderinthestorm]

17. I've found a meditative walk is enormously restorative for me

So I'm personally able to be there for the ones I love.

For everyone else in your circle, offers to run errands, bring food, an offer to spell a person so they can take that break, just sit quietly with wine or tea so that person can vent or cry, or to give them the space to just sleep without thinking they have to be on high alert...

I'm so sorry tygrbright.

Hang in there

[REP]

26. Two years ago, my mother, two aunts and a dear family friend died within months

At that time, I had just had two major surgeries I was still recovering from as well as hand surgery, and one if my chronic illnesses moved into a more serious stage.

So from experience, if there's any traveling anyone has to do, ask if you can make that easier. If anyone has to go through probate or do estate sales, there's plenty they'll need help with. Some people will want to talk about their loss; others will not. Distractions are welcome. Don't worry you're "too happy;" a relief from the non-stop misery is welcome, if only for a moment.

[TygrBright]

28. Thank you. I do offer rides where it's possible, other practical help.

At work right now I keep my schedule flexible for office coverage when colleagues need time off, and offer to help with projects or take on the small administrative tasks we all share.

Most of the people experiencing losses and pain have closer relatives doing what they can on practical things, too.

I'm trying to intuit where the line is between being (as you put it, very helpfully) a 'relief from the non-stop misery', and being insensitive or irrelevant.

mindfully,
Bright

[peace13]

31. It sounds like you are already contributing more than you know.

At a hard time in my life I was the recipient of written notes from people. A simple 'thinking of you' note reminds others that we are holding them in our hearts. These notes carried me through some rough days. Just knowing that others care is awesome.

Also remember to get rest and care for yourself. There is tension everywhere in our world and sometimes we carry more than we know. YouTube has videos on Yoga Nidra. This is a guided meditation that can be done laying down or in any comfortable position. Here is one example. There are many more out there.

Peace and love, Kim


https://m.

[TygrBright]

32. Very helpful, thank you.

I am not much of a note-writer but it's something I *can* do, and will.

The Yoga Nidra videos look interesting and I will explore them. You're right about relaxation being part of staying healthy myself. Stress can hit me hard at unexpected (and very inconvenient!) times if I'm not mindful about it.

appreciatively,
Bright

[REP]

34. With my mother's death, all that's left is me and my sibling

My father died when I was in my 20s, but his death was expected; he died of cancer. My mother's death was completely unexpected.

It can be such a drag to be around people who are dealing with loss, so I've pretty much kept it to myself the last two years.

[s-cubed]

27. An awful lot to deal with. You are wonderful to want to be there for so many hurting people. nt

[TygrBright]

29. Thank you. They are part of my life, we are connected.

To be honest, sometimes I want NOT to be there, feeling a bit overwhelmed! But the better option is to figure out ways to be helpful that fall within my abilities.

Without connections, our humanity diminishes- but sharing pain is one of the costs of connection.

conflictedly,
Bright

[renate]

30. I hate rollercoaster rides....

I've been on a few (they didn't look scary from the outside, and the people I was with really wanted to go), and I was so miserable and scared the whole time, until the last one.

I just let go of trying to control or fight the process. I hung on and I didn't enjoy the ride at all--I still hated it--but it helped immensely not to resist what was happening, since it wouldn't have changed a thing; sometimes fighting makes a difference, but sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes things just are the way they are. I rode the wave up and down and let it carry me; it did help to also be aware that eventually my feet would be back on solid ground, although admittedly that comfort isn't always there.

Dropping the resistance is a tiny shift, and it doesn't reduce the pain at all, but it kind of reduces the suffering, if that makes sense.

You and all the people who are going through so much have my sincere sympathy.

[TygrBright]

33. Thank you. And your sig .gifs made me smile! n/t

[kairos12]

35. For what it's worth,

I always try and remember the saying that in life, pain is mandatory, suffering is optional. I also try and remember grief is like standing facing the ocean with waves breaking over you. Over time, the waves will never go away, but they will lessen in strength. And when the waves are very great link arms with someone and withstand them together. Peace and strength to you.

[TygrBright]

37. Thank you. Words worth reading, offered at a good time. n/t