Millions Of Drunk Cubs Fans Rioting In Heaven Following World Series Win

[iandhr]

THE HEAVENS—Following a 8-7 victory over the Cleveland Indians that clinched the team’s first World Series title since 1908, sources confirmed Wednesday that millions of intoxicated Chicago Cubs fans are currently rioting across Heaven. Moments after watching the game’s final out from above Earth, massive throngs of intoxicated Cubs fans—most of whom went their entire lives without ever seeing the team win a World Series—poured out all over the eternal city, where they reportedly continued drinking heavily as they cheered, hugged strangers, and loudly played golden harps in celebration of their long-awaited championship.

“Let’s go, Cubbies!” screamed Susan Leitch, who died of cardiac arrest in 1997 at the age of 70, before joining hundreds of fellow deceased Chicago fans as they repeatedly sang the chorus of “Go Cubs, Go!” “World Series champs! Finally!” “Woo!” continued Leitch as she drunkenly stumbled over her feet and broke out in a fit of laughter.

According to reports, after one fan managed to affix a large “W” win flag to the top of the Pearly Gates, a large mob of Cubs fans began violently shaking the gateway as they chanted third baseman Kris Bryant’s name for nearly an hour. Sources confirmed that the gold-paved streets were quickly littered with empty beer cans, cigarettes, spilled food, and other refuse, while a number of inebriated fans were also seen urinating against the sapphire, emerald, and diamond–encrusted walls that protect the sacred realm.


In addition to firing a slew of Roman candles upwards into infinity, a pack of belligerent fans reportedly succeeded in rocking the Throne of God back and forth until the seat of the Almighty Father tipped over onto the ground, after which several men and women began jumping up and down atop it.

http://www.theonion.com/article/millions-drunk-cubs-fans-rioting-heaven-following--54580

In all seriousness congrats to Cubbies fans.

[longship]

1. I absolutely love the Onion!!

Way to go!

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

2. LOL! I hope my grandma is among them.

She was a hard core Cubs fan, born in 1882, died in 1980. She'd have been 26 the last time they won. Have fun celebrating, Grandma!

[awoke_in_2003]

3. Even though my team didn't win

It was a great series. Congrats Chicago

[Mendocino]

4. Drunk Cubs Fans?

why would tonight be any different? Or for the 95% of any sports fan base ?

[Initech]

5. And Bill Murray gives an incoherent congratulatory speech...

Go Cubbies!