Possible Trump Labor Secretary Has Labored Bio
Andrew Puzder is considered one of Pres.-elect Donald Fucking Trump's leading candidates for Labor secretary, based on his success creating jobs as CEO of the company that owns Carl's, Jr., the once-distressed fast-food chain. How did Puzder do it? By being hands-on. With young womens' boobs.
That's right, Trump is considering the mastermind behind the famous Carl's, Jr., two-point job-creation plan:
https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/246487?ct=t%28TFN+11_28_16%29&mc_cid=e0fd852c1e&mc_eid=%5BUNIQID%5D
The ads were/are hilarious/controversial among men/humans, and Puzder has been asked to justify treating young women like sex meat just to sell enough cow meat so his wife will touch his old man meat. Here's how he actually fucking explained his sophisticated, algorithm-based, marketing strategy: "I like beautiful women eating burgers in bikinis. I think it's very American."
Instead of distancing himself from the campaign, Puzder closered himself to it, moving on it like a bitch. "I used to hear, brands take on the personality of the CEO. And I rarely thought that was true, but I think this one, in this case, it kind of did take on my personality." Other Puzder ads included a commercial in which Paris Hilton took on glistening, white gobs of Puzder's personality while writhing on a car.
So what is Puzder's strategy for creating American jobs, other than enticing companies to stay in the US by showing them his boobs and offering generous tax felatements? Robots and immigrants, obviously, just like Trump's working-class voters working-class voted for.
Here's Puzder on the record about what creates jobs:
• More immigrants
• Robots to do whatever jobs Puzder's immigrants don't take
• Lower wages
• Less paid leave
• Less company health insurance
Puzder gained his expertise as a job creator by working his way through college and law school. We know this because he cited it in 2014 to explain his opposition to company health care and minimum-wage laws:
"I'm speaking as someone from a working-class family. I started work scooping ice cream for the minimum wage at Baskin-Robbins. To put myself through college and law school while supporting my family, I cut lawns, painted houses and busted concrete with a jackhammer. I know how important these jobs are. For one thing, they taught me—-as no lectures from my parents ever could—-that I needed a good education so I wouldn't have to settle for low-paying work the rest of my life."
Got that? Worked his way through college and learned the value of hard work and a good education (and shitting on your useless fucking parents). It would have been very different if Puzder had put himself through college and law school playing in some fucking long-hair band, he said in a 2009 interview, where he said, "I put myself through college and law school playing in [fucking long-hair] bands."
That's right, in a Fucking News exclusive, we have exclusively read past actual reporting and exclusively compared their contradictory bullshit to each other! It's like labor...for journalists!
Still, despite that one discrepancy in his story, it's not as if hard-working Puzder had the financial means to drop out in the middle of college so he could groove on bitchin' tunes and stick it to The Man for THREE FUCKING YEARS. Unless, of course, you read what Puzder claimed in THIS interview, in which he said he dropped out of Kent State in 1970, and, "I spent the next three years attending concerts and marching on Washington."
But wait, there's more Fucking News exclusive reporting on other people's reporting about Puzder's contradictory reporting about himself!
In 1975, Puzder finally graduated from Cleveland State University. How much student-loan debt was this working-class mower of loans and goer of concerts carrying when he moved to St. Louis, married now, with two kids to feed?
"I moved to St. Louis with about $10,000 in the bank," he explained as if he were one of fucking Fagin's Boys. But that's $10,000 in 1975 money, the equivalent in current dollars of three warehouses stacked to the ceiling with Courvoisier, Tom Collins mix, and Bob Seger double-albums.
Of course, it's possible Puzder's work ethic and educational values were formed earlier than that. "I grew up in farm country in Ohio," he told the St. Louis Business Journal in 2009. Or, as his law-school alumni magazine explained in an interview with him, "As a high schooler, Puzder began playing guitar and singing in rock 'n' roll bands in Cleveland [italics fucking added]." Yup, Puzder's "farm country" town of Chagrin Falls is just a half-hour tractor drive from Cleveland, where farm-country boys go to sing rockabilly.
The honest, small-town, big-city, country-farm, city-rocker values he learned doing whatever the fuck he actually did as a hair-growing, lawn-mowing, Washington-protesting, jackhammer hammerer eventually led him to become a mob lawyer, which is how he came to know the family that both founded the hamburger chain Carl's, Jr., and supported the pickup-dragging-a-chain John Birch Society.
Once ensconced as a successful, respectable, boob-slinging CEO, Puzder criticized a recent ruling by the National Labor Relations Board, which decided that McDonald's was kind of sort of an employer of all those millions of people wearing McDonald's uniforms and selling you McDonald's Chicken McSads. Puzder argued that McDonald's isn't their employer, because McDonald's just franchises its horrific "food" and "aesthetics" out to the real employers, the franchisees. Which means, by his own logic, all those Carl's Jr. jobs weren't created by Puzder, they were created by Carl's, Jr. franchisees, the Carl's Jr. Jr.s.
In other words, a top candidate of Pres.-elect Fucking Trump to be the United States Secretary of Labor is a small-town, big-city, farm 'n' roll, guitar-mowing, Baskin-Robbins-scooping, Washington-marching, mob-defending, hot-grill/hot-girl, Paris Hilton-jizzing, non-job-creating, robot-loving, immigrant-employing, hamburger salesman/pornographer with a law degree in not-economics. You can cast your confirmation vote now, Republican working-man Party!
If Puzder is not confirmed, the Constitution entitles Trump to nominate a Labor Secretary robot capable of automated wage-lowering; regulation-ignoring; and spraying its own shiny, automated boobs with Carl's, Jr., special sauce from Andrew's Puzder.
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