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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsAnother insane goddamn day
Well folks, while not quite up to standards of some of the more chaotic trips around the sun since the Marmalade Shartcannon took office, I hope everyone invested in fertilizer manufacturers, because today was another Bat Guano Nutty Day.
We all woke up and immediately checked in on that deleted scene from V FOR VENDETTA where the guy gets bloodied in the process of being dragged off an airplane by law enforcement for refusing to give up his seat when the airline wanted to give it to an employee on an overbooked flight after he'd already boarded.
Wait, what? That was real life? You're shitting me.
Anyhow, we all watched in awe as the brass at United took the, shall we say "novel" approach of blaming the dude they had the cops beat the shit out of for the ass-kicking they ordered to be administered to him.
In the background, maybe you saw some of the pieces that rounded up the responses to a PRIVATE FUCKING CORPORATION ENLISTING TAXPAYER FUNDED LAW ENFORCEMENT TO BEAT THE FUCK OUT A PRIVATE CITIZEN BECAUSE THEY APPARENTLY RESERVE THE LEGAL RIGHT TO TAKE BACK THE SEAT YOU PAID FOR AT ANY POINT PROBABLY UP TO AND INCLUDING THIRTY THOUSAND FEET ABOVE THE ROCKIES HOW THE FUCK DID WE LET IT COME TO THIS from supporters of the man we all pay to golf and periodically sign executive orders, and, surprise surprise, THEY TOOK THE AIRLINE'S SIDE. We didn't know just how much hunger there was in this country for a strong, sadistic, authoritarian state, did we? In related news, I'm launching a kickstarter to fund a series of dominatrix parlors in the Rust Belt. HILLBILLY ELEGY PART TWO, BITCHES.
Of course the same little Shartkins are apparently flocking to Bill O'Reilly's show, actually BOOSTING his ratings in the midst of the revelations that Fox has settled a number of sexual harassment suits against an old man who very clearly has to pay for sex. I tell you, folks, the Deplorable economy offers a number of unique opportunities. It's like "Well, I'm looking for someone to redo the shingles on my roof, but I'm hoping to hire somebody reprehensible. Do you have any multiple rapists on staff?"
And we all had a laugh that the congressman who is famous for screaming YOU LIE at President Obama going home to a town hall where a bunch of his constituents screamed YOU LIE at him, which has a fun sense of comeuppance to it. This congressman likely has a name, but I don't give a flying fuck what it is.
We learned that the Shart may have bombed Syria (or at least some useless gravel in Syria, since the Syrian military launched strikes from the base we bombed less than 24 hours after we hit it, can't these people even blow up a stationary target without fucking it up?) because his daughter told him to, which is a totally normal thing that happens in all developed countries with strong constitutional democracies. OR IS IT? Maybe Ivanka will get equally upset at all the children who were killed in the recent Mosul air strike or the botched Yemen raid, and Dorito Mussolini will order a strike on the perpetrators, without realizing exactly what he's done until the sandtrap on the 8th hole at Marmalago gets an unplanned expansion.
The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg Beauregard, our Yokel General, was all over the news again today. A couple of days back, he made it clear that he didn't want our Justice Department focusin' on no civil rights, and today he ordered them to instead focus all available energies on punishing brown-skinned people for the high crime of not being white. Much was made of how his prepared remarks used the word "filth" to describe his preferred targets, but how he declined to actually call them "filth" in the delivering of the speech. Because that's the state of the immigration debate in American today, right? Whether or not we call our fellow human beings "filth." Anyhow, Sessions got a good sturdy taint punt today when a federal judge struck down Texas' super-racist voter ID law just for being ridiculously super-racist. Because we still have to argue about poll taxes. In the United States of America. In the 21st century. Sleep tight. By the end of the day, Ol' Beauregard was assurin' the press that the cawngruss would mos' happily make Americuhns pay for that big 'ol border wall, because...well, because there's no reading test to run for the Senate in Alabama, I guess. After giving his last interview, Sessions returned to chewin' on an old shoe by the fireplace.
Rex Tillerson, who is our Secretary of State because he's a rich guy who...(shit, man, I need Mad Libs to finish that sentence because I've never found one halfway compelling reason this Oil Stooge was made our top diplomat) made some headlines by wondering aloud "Why should U.S. taxpayers be interested in Ukraine?" I'll tell ya, Rex, there are a lot of reasons American taxpayers don't want to see the world on fire, at the very least we should understand that we can't sell PAUL BLART: MALL COP DVDs to residents of a war-torn wasteland. (This was probably the moment the day tipped officially into madness for me. Just one year ago, a mind-bogglingly asinine statement like this from our chief diplomat would've been headline news, a major international scandal. Today, you probably didn't even notice it. It was on page twelve. You did the crossword, read your Garfield, and moved on.)
And then ALONG CAME SPICEY. Sean Spicer rode into the White House Press Room on a steam shovel and declared "today I will dig myself into the deepest hole in human history, and before the sun sets not even Jules Verne will be able to find me," and Sweet Christ did he deliver. The lead spokesman for the President of the greatest nation on Earth stood in front of the assembled media of the world and engaged in some light Holocaust denial ON FUCKING PASSOVER and for a minute we were all like "Of course he did, this is just what life is like now," but after a second we realized this was crazy shit even by our ever-plummeting standards. And poor Spicey squirmed and shifted, issuing clarifications that got edited every eleven seconds (no, I mean Hitler didn't kill his own people, he just killed Jews, NO WAIT, I mean he didn't gas innocent people NO WAIT I mean he gassed innocent people he just didn't drop gas on them, he invited them to HOLOCAUST CENTERS and we all have to thank him for introducing "Holocaust Center" to the culture lexicon, right?). And we all laughed until he issued an apology which is what any normal human being would do immediately, without hesitation, if they FUCKING DENIED THE HOLOCAUST ON PASSOVER.
Just when the madness was starting to take over, right when you're thinking about how you'd look with half a pound of pickled beets stapled to your face, WaPo breaks the story that the FBI obtained a FISA warrant to surveil Carter Page, a foreign policy advisor to Toupee Fiasco's (That one's not mine, but it's good, isn't it?) campaign. And then you noticed that WAIT HOLD ON WHAT DID YOU FUCKING SAY? A lot of wacky terms have been thrown around over the last few months, like "emoluments" and "Defending World Champion Chicago Cubs," but this is what the poet would call a Big Fucking Deal. You have to demonstrate to a FISA court that there is PROBABLE FUCKING CAUSE to believe that a dude is acting as a FUCKING AGENT OF A FOREIGN FUCKING POWER to get one of these things. And Carter Page, he of the Steele Dossier, he who was cultivated as an unwitting asset by Russian intelligence not so long ago, passed the test. Drip drip.
Before you even finished that article, you got your CNN push notification (God bless this era in which our news outlets compete to scoop one another with stories that undermine the Clowncar Full of Assholes that governs us) for the story showing that Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes essentially made his whole bullshit story up, between the fucking of various pigs. The CNN story featured a few quotes from Sebastian Gorka, which is surprising since his face melted off during the climax of RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK.
By the end of the day, Bill O'Reilly announced that he was going on a vacation for a spell, which was totally planned all along and has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that so many advertisers have ditched him that he has to shorten his show and broadcast ads from companies that convert your MP3 files into 8-track tapes and offer to take care of your pets after you've been raptured. Anyway, Bill O'Reilly's gonna go somewhere quiet and focus on just sexually harassing Bill O'Reilly for awhile, know what I mean?
And then SCROTUS made some surprisingly negative comments about Steve Bannon in an interview, downplaying his role in the campaign and suggesting he might not be around much longer. My Shart House sources tell me that upon hearing this news, Bannon shrieked and expelled ink on several aides through previously-undisclosed orifices.
Meanwhile there was a special election in Kansas' Fourth Congressional District to fill the seat vacated by Mike Pompeo, who left it to join the Dick Tracy rogue's gallery known as our President's cabinet. Despite being one of the safest GOP seats in the country, the Democratic candidate threatened to pull off an upset. How red is this district? Before Pompeo won the seat, Kansas' Fourth was represented for seven terms by a VHS copy of BEDTIME FOR BONZO (look it up). Anyhow, the republican won, but by a shockingly low margin, and folks, if a Berniecrat can get within 8 of getting a house seat in Wichita, KS, where it's illegal to make eye contact with a member of the opposite sex without a permission slip signed by at least 9 apostles, then we need to pour money into the upcoming special elections in Montana and Georgia, and the midterms are gonna be Little Bighorn 2.0.
There's more. There's really more. They're still engaged in a dick-measuring contest with North Korea, and trying to pass some version of their Let's All Murder the Poor, excuse me "Health Care" bill, and they're even fucking up the Easter Egg Roll (google it, seriously) but I am now tired, you're on your own.
In the end...shit be cray, folks. Shit be cray.
This post was brought to you by Big Earl's Holocaust Center and Water Park! Come on down to Big Earl's for all your Holocaust needs! Ten dollars off with specially marked Pepsi cans.
brush
(53,833 posts)oasis
(49,400 posts)Leghorn21
(13,526 posts)so that you'll have time to post shit like this every. single. day. here on downtown DU.
"right when you're thinking about how you'd look with half a pound of pickled beets stapled to your face"
Goddamn, Ferret!!!!!!!+++++++++++
pbmus
(12,422 posts)Docreed2003
(16,869 posts)Best...post...ever! Lmao
Seriously Dorito Mussolini needs to be a thing!
smirkymonkey
(63,221 posts)That's a keeper.
SharonClark
(10,014 posts)dalton99a
(81,568 posts)grantcart
(53,061 posts)And the people of Kansas were sick and tired of getting scraped so they signed up for another heaping course.
ellie
(6,929 posts)iluvtennis
(19,868 posts)radical noodle
(8,012 posts)So more will see this. Excellent!
jeanmarc
(1,685 posts)I feel like someone is trying to drive me insane. I'm in the middle of a divorce and this sort of shit is a tougher to blow off. All I can do is sleep more. And drink. Fuck.
Response to jeanmarc (Reply #11)
teezy This message was self-deleted by its author.
jeanmarc
(1,685 posts)It worked for about a year. What I need is medication to reduce the need for alcohol. The alcohol is just self-medication and it gets worse . I have 2 months of being on my wife's medical plan to get something going. And I think I need a cat. She took her cats. One of them liked me more than her. It kind of ticked her off as she raised that cat.
teezy
(269 posts)I deleted my previous comment because I felt it was in bad taste and I apologize.
I have never been divorced myself, but I got with my hubby when he was going through one. It was hard on me watching him going through it. It's a process that needs to be overhauled. You have my sympathies. I wish you the best of luck.
But definitely get a cat. Cats are awesome. Mine is by my side constantly.
erronis
(15,328 posts)jeanmarc
(1,685 posts)That cat was my familiar. Wouldn't leave me either and loved to spoon at night. It liked to do a bit of front herding. Would get in your path and slow down, it was hilarious. My wife was so jealous. I gave it the right amount of attention. The wife gave it too much. I miss that cat terribly. I miss my wife, but that was a good decision on both our parts. We were going no where.
jazzcat23
(176 posts)I stopped my drinking - I was a binge drinker. Well, after the DUI insanity, that was enough cost and hassle to stop me. I went back to smoking weed and that's so much better than drinks. It's cheaper, no hangovers, it lasts longer, no wanting to 'fight' or 'argue' - it's just a more peaceful thing. Yes, it's a crutch, but it's better than pills, better than booze, the least harmful thing I can 'lean' on, and in this world today, we all need to 'lean' at times, don't we? Oh, and yes, I have a cat who keeps my mind busy, and my mood calm...so get a cat!
SergeStorms
(19,204 posts)it gets easier. It really does. Take it from one who has been there, did that, but the ex-wife got the tee shirt. It would be nice if you didn't have to put up with all of Trump's dumb-fuckery on top of the divorce, but one day you'll look back and say, "I survived all of that". And you will.
jeanmarc
(1,685 posts)We're still friendly, I can text her at any point and she'll respond. I've had beers with her twice since filing papers, the first time to sign the papers. We both realize we're a bad match, after 5 years. The pain is still pretty deep as she was my best friend. Having Trump chaos at the same time is just maddening. I need to get some better drugs.
I forgive Sean Spicer. We need more of his idiocy to make for laughs.
Tess49
(1,580 posts)feel the same way. I used to be the "stable" one in the family. Not so much, anymore. My eyes are so dry from staring at articles on the internet all day, that I can barely blink. Not sure I can stand this for 4 years.
jeanmarc
(1,685 posts)teezy
(269 posts)Thank you for the gold star rant. Can I get your permission to share this? Seriously, this will break my Facebook.
Absolutely genius. I hope you write for a living.
...I appreciate it. Hope to launch a blog in coming days, hope I can count on your support!
Tess49
(1,580 posts)MFM008
(19,818 posts)Skittles
(153,182 posts)OMG, I damned near choked on my candy, laughing
LonePirate
(13,431 posts)Those four are responsible for destroying everything we know and love about our country. The damage those four men are doing is almost unfathomable and it will take us decades to reverse and repair it.
0rganism
(23,966 posts)gonna be a brave new world for sure on the backside of this mountain
3catwoman3
(24,031 posts)...she couldn't find the pencils on her first day. Maybe she is still looking. Maybe she should try looking up her ass for them.
erronis
(15,328 posts)uponit7771
(90,359 posts)Southern Boy .... is that you?!?!
SergeStorms
(19,204 posts)there used to be a weekly report from one, "Bob Boudelang". Bob was an angry - and very confused - "conservative" commentator, and his weekly screed was most enjoyable. Bob had to move out of his trailer park (and he WAS NOT arrested, so stop saying that!) and hasn't been heard from since. He's still missed here on DU.
Your writing style reminds me of "Bob's" somewhat. Very funny, sometimes confusing, but ALWAYS entertaining! Keep it up, you might be asked to write something on a weekly basis, and have your very own byline here on DU. You could do a lot worse! Very funny, Ferret!
PoindexterOglethorpe
(25,879 posts)was tombstoned at some point. Too bad, because I remember him from the old DU.
SergeStorms
(19,204 posts)2008 Clinton/Obama slug-fest here on DU. Mr. Benchley, I believe was his name. It was a brutal and divisive time on DU. Tempers ran very hot, and some people said things I'm sure they regretted later on. There were many casualties...... the horror........the horror.
BobTheSubgenius
(11,564 posts)Both OP and all the replies. Well, except the alcohol, with whom I have had a relatively amicable parting of the ways.
Great stuff, man, seriously. F'ing brilliant. I too would love to repost this.
world wide wally
(21,754 posts)I think we need a daily summary from you.
No Vested Interest
(5,167 posts)irisblue
(33,019 posts)hwmnbn
(4,279 posts)unique expressions of political insights...
bubbling with top-shelf snark...
correct spelling and punctuation...
your talent is deeply appreciated here.
malaise
(269,157 posts)Welcome to DU
ms liberty
(8,592 posts)ProfessorPlum
(11,272 posts)I laughed
One science nit pick. A trip around the sun is a year. I know a day feels that long under the shartcannon.
Vinca
(50,302 posts)I'd tell you which parts I liked most, but I don't know where to begin. Five stars.
babylonsister
(171,079 posts)ProfessorGAC
(65,151 posts)Really like your stuff.
jazzcat23
(176 posts)I love this and hope you keep us posted. This is an amazing summary and I love your way with words.
eyeofnewt
(146 posts)I'll go to work with the mental image of little keebler Beauregard chewin' on that shoe by the fireplace and laugh out loud - cementing my standing in the office as the one who was likely to snap first. I can't enjoy the delicious baked goods from the elves' kitchens, plus I've had to give up my favorite fruit- oranges. Am I gonna get scurvy?
Thanks Ferret for the great post
brer cat
(24,592 posts)Thank you, Ferret.
WinstonSmith4740
(3,056 posts)Awesome rant. Welcome to DU...I think you've found a home. You and NanceGreggs will brighten my day on a regular basis, I'm sure. Keep us posted when you get that blog started.
Hugin
(33,189 posts)Please, keep them coming... (until conditions improve)
This -almost- makes me believe in Karma again. -almost-
N_E_1 for Tennis
(9,773 posts)Keep it up and you will become legendary at DU.
Welcome home!
rhiannon55
(2,671 posts)peacebuzzard
(5,181 posts)Nailed it again. Hot damn ! Never normalize insanity, and to amplify this bizarro world is the best and only way to turn this around. The best asset of the U.S. is creativity, and you got this!
WinkyDink
(51,311 posts)yardwork
(61,700 posts)Brilliant.
nolabear
(41,991 posts)so I could hear it. Keep it coming!
mac56
(17,574 posts)Codeine
(25,586 posts)Well done!
Grammy23
(5,810 posts)MarvinGardens
(779 posts)Because you should!
sarge43
(28,942 posts)Now we're in the dog cage on top of it.
Great rant.
LongTomH
(8,636 posts)Then, get busy with that blog; next, the t-shirts and coffee mugs.
sagetea
(1,374 posts)Fucking epic!!! Thank you!
Amaryllis
(9,525 posts)happened. If this was a novel, people would say it wasn't credible because it was too unrealistic.
joanbarnes
(1,723 posts)Aristus
(66,445 posts)Political commentary of that caliber is very welcome here.
Angry Dragon
(36,693 posts)volstork
(5,403 posts)Welcome to DU, Ferret; you and your snark will feel right at home with us!
barbtries
(28,810 posts)he said to trump, you give me the state dept and i'll give you a target you can nuke.
he wants ukraine's oil.
now we know for sure that we have at least one nazi (bannon) and a holocaust denier (spicer) up there in the WH. I don't doubt that trump is right there with them. we're so screwed, but at least some of us can write!
smirkymonkey
(63,221 posts)You have made this shitshow almost bearable with your spot-on - and very entertaining - rant!
emmadoggy
(2,142 posts)A hearty welcome to DU!!!! Keep the great writing coming!
Barack_America
(28,876 posts)Well done.
bagimin
(1,334 posts)is definitely somebody.
MrScorpio
(73,631 posts)Beautiful piece!
3catwoman3
(24,031 posts)...impressive wordsmithing skills!
calimary
(81,440 posts)DAYUM!!!
What a delicious read! MAG-FREAKIN'-NIFICENT!
Spectacular debut (unless you posted here before the hacking last fall and just got back)!
Sorry about the many exclamation marks but that's pretty much all I have after reading - no - SAVORING this!!!
Danascot
(4,694 posts)which was great because I enjoyed every word.
VOX
(22,976 posts)I mean that as the highest compliment. A righteous rant with just enough scat to neutralize the insanity you dissect.
Keep punching!
tavalon
(27,985 posts)But I scared everyone in my house, because the laughter sounded kind of maniacal. I think I'M going cray cray.