I see you Jeff Sessions...
I see you, Jeff Sessions.
I see the apple-pie twinkle in your all-American eye. I see your dimples and the cute little cheeks at the top of your bafflingly easy smile. I hear the rich Alabama drawl in your voice, dripping with the honey needed to sweeten your bullshit. I'd expect every other sentence out of your mouth to be "I do declare," were it not for the fact that you seem to be pretty bad at declaring things. You look like a cartoon mouse, Jeff Sessions, and I somehow doubt that association is the only thing you've got in common with Walt Disney. You've been on the wrong side of history more often than The Time Traveller's Wife and it's hardly surprising that you've now found yourself on the wrong side of the truth.
Because good sweet baby Jesus with cinnamon and biscuits, Jeff Sessions, it's all going mad. Remember those people who said it'd all just settle down when he actually became President? They're dead now. All of them. At least I assume they are; I haven't seen or heard from a single one of them for weeks.
It's been nothing but howling lunacy, an orange blur of fur blasting at full pace out of the traps, daring the toothless dogs behind it to keep up. Derp Fuhrer's in full deflection mode, throwing out shade at anyone within spitting distance in a vain attempt to distract everyone from the long shadow Russia's already casting on everything. Who's next, we're all wondering. Who's helping them through the door? Was Stephen Mnuchin Putin's boot in?
Still, y'all know what y'all are doing, don't you, Jeff Sessions? This is all just a distraction for the long game. You know better than anyone; you've met with Them before, after all.
I see the Secret Service agents slamming the doors as the dark clouds gather over the White House. I see the storm swirling, purple lightning forking at the heart of the maelstrom. I see the trees bend and snap, the wood and plaster flaking away from the great house in giant chunks.
I see the mechanical iris open in the eye of the storm, Jeff Sessions. I see the thin, insectile legs stepping downwards; long, terrible things, probing the brickwork, picking holes in the masonry. I see the bulbous bodies on those awful legs and I hear the chattering of chitin, of teeth and claws whirring and grinding on each other. I see those terrible limbs spear into the house, pulling out screaming bodies, feeding them into their awful mouths like crabs picking at the sea floor.
I see you whistling as you stroll down the hallway, Jeff Sessions, the house shaking around you. I see a marble bust fall to the ground and shatter. I see you knock on the door of the women's toilets, pushing your way in.
I see him cowering in the corner, Jeff Sessions, spitting and cursing Obama's name. He must have done this. He must have wiretapped his phone and rigged the election and told his dad to never say he loved him and summoned the Sky-Lice of Arachnia.
I see him meet your eye, Jeff Sessions. I see you smirk. You met Them months ago. You knew all about it. And to think, the committee asked you straight to your face if you'd had any contact with the Sky-Lice of Arachnia and you said no. You said no, because you're a greasy little horror and it secured your future.
I see the terrible claw punch through the ceiling, Jeff Sessions. I see it probe around the room as Trump scuttles desperately around the floor to avoid it, the dust caking his white eyes and his orange skin running with sweat. It'll keep probing, won't it? He's angered an intelligent army, and they won't stop probing until they can reach him and tear him apart.
How ironic it'll end like this, Jeff Sessions. He's going to meet his end as a sexual predator in the women's toilet. I see you straighten your jacket, whistling as you turn to leave. It's going to get nasty, isn't it? Time to make your excuses and continue your lies....but, then again, why? You have the backing of all the deplorables so Karma and your God will have the final say.
I see you, Jeff Sessions. I fucking see you.
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I said this to a new Board president not too long ago. Should have seen the look I got. Fucking priceless. I see you... and I know the snake you are.
I left the next day because shit be cray and that dude was not gonna help.
Your monologue was brilliant!
Well done!
Simply amazing writing. Thanks so much for sharing.
