Piss Hookers and Debtor's Prisons, and Ultrasonics, OH MY
Kinda calm today, wasn't it? At least by the ever-plummeting standards of America in 2017? Nobody blew up Guam, so why make a fuss, right?
Today was merely dropping-acid-in-the-House-of-Mirrors crazy, rather than the Marquis-de-Sade-directs-a-SAW-film nightmare we're used to.
You wake up and you see your President got caught tweeting self-aggrandizing memes from white supremacists AGAIN, and you're like "Oh Donnie! You incorrigible little racist trash, you!" And you move on, because it's happened so many times, it barely even registers anymore.
Like a trope you're already tired of. Like a little directionless Niles-and-Daphne flirting.
Have we come to this so soon?
I see President Valor Thief finally turned his homework in to Mattis on his ass-backwards military transgender ban. Dammit. Kinda hoped he'd just forgotten about that.
Just so we're clear, Baron Golfin Von Fatfuk can kick Americans who've risked their lives for this nation out of the military, but he can't spare a passing sentence in his 75-minute jerk-off-fest down in Arizona to honor the 10 sailors who lost their lives at sea.
This administration is just a daily exercise in testing the boundaries of national shame, isn't it?
Speaking of chubby, aging, blowhards acting like tough guys, Cartoonishly Over-Groomed RageClown Roger Stone threatened any lawmakers who might be itchin' to impeach the Shittiest of All Possible Presidents with swift, violent, retribution from...I guess from the hordes of subpar turdwaffles that still support Cheeto Pol Pot.
Anyhow, judging from the Shart's inability to drag enough wrinkly old mediocrities out to fill a 5,000-capacity hall in Phoenix, and the pimply beta teens from the Charlottesville Klan Rally, I don't know that the turnout for this particular civil war will wind up being especially fearsome.
Oh, and Mike Flynn's lunatic dumbass son wants to get CNN declared a terrorist organization. Yup, just a normal, slow-news Thursday.
Politico tells us Shiny New Chief of Staff John Kelly instituted new standards to reroute the flow of information to President Bumpkin's desk through his own. Hopefully this undercuts Stephen Miller's ability to set policy with post-its that read "Only CUCKS believe in climate change."
Sheriff Joe Arpaio went on Hannity with a sobering message for America: "if they can go after me, they can go after anyone in this country.” My God, the TYRANNY! Can't a man illegally target and terrorize minorities? Bring the full weight of law enforcement down on innocent people in the name of white supremacy? Torture human beings in tents in the desert? Flaunt court orders, and repeatedly brag about doing so in the press? DEAR GOD, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND JOE ARPAIO IS A WHITE MAN? SURELY YOU FORGOT TO READ THE FINE PRINT.
In the spirit of Sheriff Joe, I hope you met that shitbag who sued South Carolina to force them to mass-produce confederate flag wrapping paper or some shit. He's a fucking PEACH.
America's Dorkiest Crime family, the Kushners, (debuting this fall on Must-See TV!) got fired by their public relationships firm, presumably for being an unpalatable combination of shitty, crooked, and dopey-lookin'.
I don't want to jump to conclusions, but maybe their attempts to bring back debtor's prisons as the latest hip retro trend (it's like synth-pop revival, only with more class warfare!) had something to do with it.
I just worry this might distract young Jar-Jar from bringing peace to the Middle East. Make way for the Eternally-Just-About-to-Hit-Puberty Messiah, ye long-warring peoples of the Holy Land!
The Shart of the Deal, having calmly assessed the many (many*) failings of his first few months in office, seems to have decided that the problem was he didn't have enough enemies, so he set out to make a few more.
*MANY
He's screeching at Mitch McConnell and Thom Tillis cuz they refuse to shut the Russia investigation down, which is totally what any innocent person would do, right?
And he's feuding with Jolly James Clapper on the twitter, like a regular Tay-Tay and Katy Perry. Clapper was all, "Holy shit, this malicious, toddler-tempered, petty, dangerously incurious toe of man has nuclear codes," and Drumpf was all, "Be nice to me, Jimmy, or I'll show everybody that fanfic you wrote for me where I won the popular vote and Salma Hayek totally wants to date me," and the ClapperMan was all, "It was a form letter, you doorknob, I wrote one for Hilldawg, too, only hers didn't include that Please Don't Blow Up the Planet, You Fucking Infant bit I tacked onto the end of yours."
Rick Perry commissioned a study on the electrical grid, hoping to prove that Barack Hussein Obama and his gang of hooligan environmentalist regulators were beating up poor, innocent coal plants and taking their lunch money, but instead it says that cheap natural gas is the actual bully giving the coal industry a wedgie by the monkey bars after class, which is what everyone has been saying all along. THE SMART-GUY GLASSES AREN'T WORKING, RICK!
Of course, the report goes on to say the government should artificially prop up the dying coal industry at the expense of cheaper and cleaner energy sources, because...because Republicans, I guess.
And what's this I see? The infamous Mnuchbag-and-Wife trip may've been a taxpayer-funded excursion to get these plutocrat fucks a good seat to the eclipse? I tell ya folks, I am squinting from the blinding light of the raw POPULISM.
Texas' latest voter ID law got struck down, despite Ol' Beauregard Sessions' shocking heel turn a few weeks back, when he hit the Constitution with a steel folding chair and cut that promo where he said voting rights were just for white folks and WHATCHA GONNA DO, BROTHER, WHEN ALABAMA JEFF RUNS WILD ON YOUR RIGHTS?!?!
It's ok. It's just the Department of Justice, the highest law-enforcement authority in the country, taking sides against civil rights.
(This seems like a good time to shout out to all the JILL STEIN VOTERS, especially my homies in the RUST BELT! You guys were right! Hillary was just as bad! NEVER BREED!)
Meanwhile, Chuck Schumer's trolling Smallhands Magoo, saying "If you really wanna prove you're not the racist scumfuck everyone says you are, you can prove it by pulling the plug on KKKris KKKobach's sham voter fraud panel!"
I bet that works, Chuck. I mean, it's not like massive voter disenfranchisement is Team Shart's final, fading chance at holding onto power, right?
...wait.
I see that blubbering-in-terror white supremacist Chris Cantwell turned himself in, and was denied bail. Heh. Better hope there's more crying in prison than there is in baseball, Chris-Me-Lad.
On the Russia news front, the fellah who financed the Piss Hooker Dossier got grilled by Senate investigators, and stood by every golden word. Meanwhile, Russian diplomats keep dropping like flies, and yet ANOTHER instance of contact between the Shart campaign and Russian authorities has surfaced, despite denial upon denial that any such contacts ever occurred.
Ah well. Simple oversight, I'm sure. I'll be THIS one will be the last one, just like the last one was. And the one before that. And the one before that.
Have y'all seen this shit down in Cuba? A bunch of State Department employees and their families experiencing weird-ass medical symptoms that may or may not be the result of, I shit you not, ULTRASONIC SOUND WAVE ATTACKS?
Y'know what? No. Fuckin' NO. This one's a bridge too far, people. I don't know which one of you dropped me into this Ian Fleming novel, but I'd very much like to go back to the real world now, thank you very much.
And Axios reports the Shartcannon is leaning towards undoing DACA. Having proven incapable and frankly uninterested in doing anything to help any of his constituents, Don the Con falls back on simply hurting decent people his base happens to hate. PRESIDENTIAL.
A late-breaking WaPo piece details the mutual distrust between the CIA division involved in the Russia investigation and CIA director/Drumpf Flunky Mike Pompeo. Isn't it fun, wondering how far the political lackeys of our corrupt-as-balls chief executive will go to cover up his crimes?
It's good tv, I'll give it that. Tragic reality, but good tv. (Sobs.)
And now Tucker Carlson's whinging about all these uppity black players ruining football by suggesting that racism exists.
Fuck it, I'm out. If I missed anything, and I always do, it's because I knocked myself out pounding my face against my keyboard. Fuck. ARE WE THERE** YET?
** "THERE" meaning the GODDAMN MIDTERMS. Which you should vote in.
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Love it, love it, love it!
You Are The Best Commentator! On our national tragedy among other things.
Please keep them coming!
Am saving this for morning read, and thanking you again TF for taking the time to give your DU peeps another crucially-needed dose of YOU!
Shit be Cray:
Best description of this farce to date!
Baron Golfin Von Fatfuk
Until the Midterms!
Hope you enjoy it here. Lots of smart, informed people.
I strongly suggest you put a couple of hours aside and go back and read Ferret's essays. He's freaking awesome. And funny as hell. Really glad he's on our side. But then again, I'm pretty sure the folks on the other side of the aisle don't allow that level of intelligence. Or humor.
getting shitcanned by their own PR firm, which is simply delightful news!
Once again, TF!!:
Thanks and keep it coming!
