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The Onion: "I do really enjoy the creeping sadness that exists every day Im around"
https://www.theonion.com/happy-monday-everyone-looking-forward-to-another-week-1819769158
Happy Monday, Everyone! Looking Forward To Another Week Of Infecting Every Aspect Of Your Daily Lives!
Good morning, everyone! What a week we’ve got coming up. A tremendous week. The fall season is here, we’re working on huge tax cuts, and there’s a lot of optimism having to do with business in our economy. Also, we’re ending Obamacare. And I’m going to get the wall. But beyond all that, what I’m looking forward to the most is another seven days of infecting every little aspect of your daily lives.
I will poison every second of quiet reflection that you previously enjoyed. No more sitting calmly with a coffee on a park bench. No more carefree drives with the windows down and the radio up. No more tranquil moments reveling in the splendor of a sunset. Just me festering in your brain, befouling all you hold dear.
The mind is funny like that sometimes. The second you’ve freed yourself from the burden of having to ponder my ironclad stranglehold on absolutely every facet of American life, there I’ll be again, ready to resume the endless cycle of fear, regret, anger, and shame. Go ahead, try and tune me out right now.
They never cover it in the fake media, but I do really enjoy the creeping sadness that exists every day I’m around. It’s a fantastic feeling. I get true joy knowing that somewhere out there, someone is just looking through their refrigerator, or chatting with their family, or waiting in line to buy groceries, and I suddenly weasel my way into their brain and ratchet up their stress about not only the future of this country, but also the rest of the world. It’s a different joy than how I felt as a private citizen, when only a small percentage of people were constantly nauseated by the mere mention of my name.
Happy Monday, Everyone! Looking Forward To Another Week Of Infecting Every Aspect Of Your Daily Lives!
Good morning, everyone! What a week we’ve got coming up. A tremendous week. The fall season is here, we’re working on huge tax cuts, and there’s a lot of optimism having to do with business in our economy. Also, we’re ending Obamacare. And I’m going to get the wall. But beyond all that, what I’m looking forward to the most is another seven days of infecting every little aspect of your daily lives.
I will poison every second of quiet reflection that you previously enjoyed. No more sitting calmly with a coffee on a park bench. No more carefree drives with the windows down and the radio up. No more tranquil moments reveling in the splendor of a sunset. Just me festering in your brain, befouling all you hold dear.
The mind is funny like that sometimes. The second you’ve freed yourself from the burden of having to ponder my ironclad stranglehold on absolutely every facet of American life, there I’ll be again, ready to resume the endless cycle of fear, regret, anger, and shame. Go ahead, try and tune me out right now.
They never cover it in the fake media, but I do really enjoy the creeping sadness that exists every day I’m around. It’s a fantastic feeling. I get true joy knowing that somewhere out there, someone is just looking through their refrigerator, or chatting with their family, or waiting in line to buy groceries, and I suddenly weasel my way into their brain and ratchet up their stress about not only the future of this country, but also the rest of the world. It’s a different joy than how I felt as a private citizen, when only a small percentage of people were constantly nauseated by the mere mention of my name.
12 replies
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= new reply since forum marked as read
For reals. 
Once again, The Onion hits that nail.
