A clearly agitated John Kelly tells W.H. Press "I am a Viking, and you shall die by a Viking's hand"

[Miles Archer]

No link yet - breaking news.

Pictured above: White House Chief of Staff John Kelly. Source: Reuters

WASHINGTON DC - In the wake of charges filed against former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort and his associate Rick Gates, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly held an impromptu Press Conference on Monday afternoon. Kelly was barely recognizable as he approached the podium, clad in the garb of a Viking warrior. He began the conference with a 20 minute tirade in which he insulted and threatened each member of the Press Corps and asserted Donald Trump's position of Supreme Leader of Valhalla. He gnawed hungrily on a large turkey leg while speaking and supped liberally from a flagon of mead.

Kelly then demanded that a special counsel be appointed to investigate Democrats over a uranium deal during the Obama administration and a dossier compiled on Donald Trump during the 2016 presidential campaign. "We shall burn their homes and press their children into service in our mighty army," Kelly promised. "We shall storm the gates of the usurper Mueller and demand an apology for his clearly false accusations against the mighty and noble Trump. Those who stand in the way of our holy crusade need only know that I am a Viking, and you shall die by a Viking's hand. The rivers will run red with your blood, and we will dance in the streets as we decimate your unholy and futile resistance to our bold, unconquerable King!"

New York Times reporter Glenn Thrush reminded Kelly that the United States elects a President, and does not serve under the rule of a monarch. Kelly hurled his turkey leg across the room at Thrush and demanded that he be removed to the dungeon for 40 lashes. Clearly confused, White House security personnel reminded Kelly that there was no dungeon in the White House, at which point Kelly demanded that the entire security detail also follow Thrush to the dungeon to receive their "just penance" of 40 lashes.

Rumors ran rampant that a new reporter in the Press Pool who introduced herself as "Diane Rodham" from the "MAGA Times" was actually former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, heavily disguised and surreptitiously smuggled into the conference by Jim Acosta, long rumored to be seeking payback as the result of his many jabs from Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Stephen Miller in past press events. Rodham asked Kelly if he had Prince Albert in a can. Kelly exploded in a fit of anger as he responded "Of COURSE I have Prince Albert in a can! He shall no longer pose a threat to our Democracy! President Trump continues to honor his oath of office and his unbreakable pledge to keep America safe from terrorist threats from the likes of despots such as the vile Prince Albert. Lowly peasants, you shall sing songs of praise for our President, or by virtue of all that is holy, you shall not leave this room alive!"

Hillary Clinton could not be reached for comment, but sent a message via her staff which thanked Kelly for his swift handling of the "Prince Albert Affair."

...developing story...

[cwydro]

1. Lol.

[muriel_volestrangler]

2. And then he went off on a peasant hunt with Junior and Steve King

Link to tweet

[milestogo]

3. Sanders: Nobody questions a Viking.

[mountain grammy]

4. He's quite mad, you know.