Its An Honor To Continue Being Valued Over Countless Human Lives (Satire)

[Stonepounder]

https://www.theonion.com/it-s-an-honor-to-continue-being-valued-over-countless-h-1819585030

Look, I’m not the type who needs constant validation, and I have never sought preferential treatment from anyone. I just try to focus on doing what I do and not get too caught up in what people think or say about me. But I have to admit, it’s been hard to ignore all the support and appreciation I’ve been receiving lately, particularly over the past several years. That’s why I want to take this opportunity to let all of you know what an absolute honor it is that you continue to value me over countless human lives. I don’t want to get too sentimental or anything, but it really means the world to me how often you as Americans, through your words and your actions, make it known that I am more important to you than the lives of your fellow citizens.

You see, I’m just a humble lightweight, magazine-fed semi-automatic rifle; I never expected this kind of outpouring of affection. But time and time again, you’ve shown me how much I matter to you. To see so many people—people who could be working to protect and care for human lives—actively devoting their time and energy to making sure I’m the one who’s protected and cared for instead—it’s beyond touching.

Don’t think I haven’t noticed all this. Rarely a month goes by without all of you pausing to weigh me against a certain number of lives—often a dozen or more—and quickly deciding I’m more worthwhile. Gosh, you must really, really love me.

I mean, wow, who do I thank first? I guess I’ve got to start with lawmakers. No one so consistently speaks up on my behalf, praises what I stand for, and does everything in their power to make sure no harm ever comes to me. These are individuals who have hundreds of thousands of constituents whose lives they could so easily put ahead of my interests, yet these principled elected officials steadfastly refuse to do so. Instead, they stick to their guiding beliefs and firmly declare that I—a simple modular rifle with high-capacity-magazine compatability—have more value than any number of human beings. It’s truly humbling. What a blessing it is to reside in a society with such clear and unwavering priorities.