Seb Gorka's Too Sexy For His Jordache Suede Vest and Other News (Ferret/ShowerCap!)
Hey everyone...as is the norm, you can check out the post on my shiny website, complete with links n' such:
http://showercapblog.com/gorka-is-too-sexy/
I must've left the Thanksgiving leftovers out overnight, right? They grew some sort of hallucinogenic mold, and the weekend's Pink Elephants on Parade insanity is just a figment of my imagination, right?
...right?
Well, I wanna dive right into the largest controversy facing the nation today: separate videos have surfaced of Malia Obama blowing smoke rings and kissing a boy and probably holding up a bank with the Symbionese Liberation Army.
Don't worry, America, the Daily Caller is ON IT.
The Candycorn Skidmark took to the Pneumatic Tweeting Machine to proclaim himself to be Time Magazine's Secret Canadian Girlfriend. Yeah, they asked him to be Guy With Totally Normal-Sized Fingers of the Year, or something, but he was busy...doing Canadian things, I guess.
Meanwhile, Time Magazine's over in the corner, doing the happiest dance imaginable, having briefly tricked the world into believing that Time Magazine is in any way relevant anymore.
There was some controversy regarding Sarah Huckabee Sanders and an allegedly forged chocolate pecan pie. Surly Spice took tremendous offense, of course. Sure, she'll lie about crime, about terrorism, about health care, about taxes, about Russia, shit, that woman would lie about the color of her blouse, but even the Minster of Indoctrination for our Dime Store Mussolini Wannabe honors the sacred code of pastry candor.
While the Uncredible Huck's pie may be real, the anti-net-neutrality commenters on the FCC website are NOT! (How's THAT for a transition?) Yes, it looks like bots threw up millions of "Hell to tha Yes We Want a Couple of Megarich Corporations Deciding Which Websites We're Allowed to Look At" comments, and for extra fun, the FCC won't cooperate in investigations into this fraud, because bots are people too, especially when they want the same things Republicans want.
We were treated to dueling pieces on young Jared Kushner's portfolio shrinking like Seb Gorka's already-barely-extant weenie* in a cold pool. In a couple weeks, Jared's "portfolio" will be reduced to overseeing a couple of interns he'll order to reenact scenes from Mad About You in his office while he gradually devolves into a gibbering mess awaiting Robert Mueller's inevitable indictments.
Didja see where Donnie Dotard thinks we have a literally invisible jet? Like, a jet airplane that flies around doing cool jet stuff, but nobody can see it, because it is FUCKING INVISIBLE. Gullible twit thinks we live in a comic book. Somebody could show him clips from Justice League, tell him it's satellite footage, and he'd be tweeting about how some Parademons are "very fine people" by the end of the day.
Princess Ivanka and Low-T Rex are slap-fighting over who gets to embarrass America on the world stage, it's just like a reality show! Except it's two comically incompetent buffoons and we have to live with the consequences of their reckless childishness either way. Fun.**
Speaking of Tilly, the Failing New York Times dropped a horrifying article detailing his transformation of the State Department into Steve Bannon's Diplomatic Deconstruction Demolition Derby.
Rex is like that shitty neighbor who borrows your shit and breaks it. Somebody tell Bizarro J.R. Ewing we're gonna want a State Department at some point in the future, so quit fucking it up.
And while we're on the Gray Lady, they treated us to a heartwarming profile of an aw-shucks-I-done-holocausted-the-neighbor's-dog Nazi next door. He likes Seinfeld while also wanting to put Jews into ovens, what a quirky contradiction! He is a lot like you and me, only he subscribes to a genocidal ideology, also here is his Pinterest page, he seems to have a thing for frogs, how cute!
(Also, pro tip: in the future, maybe don't link to the Etsy Swastika Armband shop, k?)
So, you know how Richard Cordray left the CFPB? And how Team Shart wants to make Mick "Your Credit Card Contract Should Make You the Bank's Legal Indentured Servant" Mulvaney the acting director?
Well, apparently the text of the bill that set up the CFPB in the first place (When I say "Dodd," you say "Frank!"
stipulates that the Deputy Director automatically becomes Acting Director in the event of a vacancy, and Cordray appointed a Deputy Director on his way out the door.
Soooo...I guess the Bureau will have two directors show up to work Monday morning? Will they passive-aggressively squabble over the radio station and the lunch order? Set up dueling Secret Santa programs? Thumb-wrestle for supremacy? Tune in next week, same Consumer Protection time, same Consumer Protection channel...
Word is, Government Cheese Goebbels has taken to floating, in private, the idea that the Access Hollywood/Pussygrabber/Such an Insecure Loser He's Trying to Impress a Tapeworm Like Billy Bush tape...is fake. We're at the corner of narcissistic dementia and Holy Balls I Really Can Get Away With Anything, aren't we?
And the Hairplug That Ate Decency attacked the free press again, because sometimes you just gotta play the hits. He says that Fux Nooz is the best, especially the Hannity Gives the President a Lapdance Propaganda Hour, but CNN is all fake news, especially the parts about the Russia investigation and Salma Hayek refusing to date him.
We can talk about how CNN International is the only free, open, media source many citizens of oppressive regimes worldwide have access to. We can also talk about how the President of the United States just gave the world's dictators a free pass to treat journalists, many of them American citizens, as enemies of the state, endangering journalists' lives. Indeed, Putin just signed a law designating such media organizations as "foreign agents," what a coinkydink!
Mostly, it's just fucking tragic that this blustering hemorrhoid doesn't think twice about the damage he's doing to the fundamental fabric of American democracy; he's just looking to get his own crooked ass off the hook. If he has to set the whole damn Constitution on fire to stay out of jail, he won't think twice about it.
General Michael Hayden says it best, I think.
Oh, and what does Il Douche propose as an alternative media outlet? Why, a white nationalist conspiracy site so looney you can hear the tinfoil crinkle as it loads.
And Littlefinger weighed in on the fast-approaching Alabama senate election, criticizing Doug "I prosecuted murderous Klansmen" Jones for being soft on crime, compared with Roy "I am literally a serial pedophile who was banned from the mall for hitting on high school girls" Moore. It's just ZANY what a rich guy will do when he has a multi-million-dollar tax cut on the line, ain't it?
As the legal bills start reaching into the millions, Team Shart has begun transferring the responsibility from their campaign coffers to a legal defense fund. Heh. Maybe that's how we'll get 'em, in the end...imagine Drumpf trying to write his shitty kid's treason defense off as a charitable deduction...bam! Multi-million-dollar tax fraud scheme.
A little late breaking news: Susan Sarandon is still a smug, self-righteous moron. Stop the fuckin' presses.
Alright, Resisters, that's all I got tonight. The cranberry sauce looks like it's fermented by now...I'm gonna try that Wizard of Oz/Dark Side of the Moon thing...
*Seriously. No secure human being would take this photo.
**Not actually fun.
= new reply since forum marked as read
Ah, so many delicious morsels to chomp through today!
I hardly know where to start chomping!
You are Too Good, as always.
Thank You.
