10 years and 3 months ago

[easttexaslefty]

My son died. His birthday is December 18, he'd be 43.
So hard to imagine. 33 is a long was from 43. Trying as always to.keep my shit together for my husband, surviving son, dil & 18 month old granddaughter.
It's not easy. I miss him everyday and if you are a suicide survivor, you are very along. No one wants to think that could happen to there family.
So I wear my mask the best I can, try to stay human and connected, love my family and others and hope for hope.
Any spare good thoughts please send then to us childless mothers. Especially this month.? 03 <3 <3

[janterry]

1. I'm so sorry

Sending many good thoughts to you and to your whole family.

Do you share his first name?

(If so, I'd like to put it up on our altar. We're Buddhist).

[Kirk Lover]

2. I'm sending good thoughts through the universe to you...wish I could give you a big old

hug. Wish there were words to take away or ease your pain.

[Skittles]

3. ...

I hear you, easttexaslefty.....it is so very hard to think of them without remembering how they passed

[pnwmom]

4. Aw, I"m so sorry. There's nothing worse that could happen to a parent.

We almost lost a young cousin that way, and she's still struggling.

My heart goes out to you.

[blueinredohio]

5. Sorry to hear about your son will send good vibes your way

[Thor_MN]

6. I have no wors equal to the task, so

[Control-Z]

7. I can't imagine losing a child.

It breaks my heart hearing about your son and the pain you are in. Sending you only good thoughts and the hope that you will find a little joy in the company and love of the rest of your family.

[JDC]

8. All my spare good thoughts are yours + a few more. Sorry for your loss

[DangerousUrNot]

9. That was powerful.

Must have taken a lot to share that. My condolences.
I’ve dealt with severe depression and suicidal thoughts and hearing stories, experiences like yours, always lift my spirit. Thank You. I honestly hope the best for you and your family during this difficult time.

[NBachers]

10. Survivor here. Take love & beauty as it exists in your life. Determine not to follow your loved one.

And I know, sometimes the devastation will pull you in that direction.

Make this pledge: It stops with you!

[volstork]

11. Im so sorry.

[NewEnglandAutumn]

12. Deeply Moved

It has been so long since I last posted on DU, I had to create a new account (I lost my pw and changed e-mail) but your post moved me to tears.
I too have lost a son, he was 20, and need to 'keep my shit together' for my husband and surviving children. I find the holidays particularly difficult time and will send blessings your way.

[gay texan]

13. it's ok to cry. It's ok to mourn

Never deny yourself of feelings. When we feel things, clarity creeps in.

I don't know you, but know that i love you and i wish for you to have peace on this day.....

[StevieM]

14. I am so sorry for the loss that you endured. (eom)

[Duppers]

15. Take time for yourself.

You need some extra hugs from your family since it sounds like your load is so very heavy now.
I cannot imagine your pain and... your strength. I knew my baby daughter for only a few hrs but 33 yrs, that is heartbreaking.

Sending tender cyber hugs from one mom to another.

[riverbendviewgal]

16. So sorry for your loss

It never goes away. My son is gone 18 years ago. He was 26. I know how you are hurting.

[stuffmatters]

17. I'm so sorry for your pain and loss and admire you from the bottom of my heart.

[BadgerMom]

18. All love and light to you.

I lost my son 1/8/2002. He had turned 19 in November. He was diagnosed with Ewing’s sarcoma just 9 months before his death from it. I know some of what you live with. No one ever fully understands the nuances of another’s experience.

You’ve carried your grief long enough to know triggers. Mine come heavily in December. Matthew, my son, was allowed to have Christmas at home but was hospitalized on Christmas night, after we had all gone to see the first installment of Lord of the Rings. He never got home again.

The decorations and festivities of the month mock my feelings as they might yours. The early darkness is unhelpful. The news cycle saddens me even more.

So hug your grandchild and shine your light, I guess. I wish it got easier.

[3catwoman3]

19. The loss of my brother, age 23, was almost 40 years ago.

It was not at his own hand. Devastating nonetheless. I hope you will allow me to send thoughts of strength to your surviving son, as well as to you.

[lexington filly]

20. 8 months and 4 days

My daughter was 37 and died from an overdose. I'd never stopped supporting her efforts to stay clean nor ever given up hope or given up on her. I'd lived under the torment that I could get that call for so many years but that didn't lessen the impact of the blow. Didn't lessen the grief and how much I miss her.

Sometimes it helps me to focus on being plenty pissed off by our incompetent drug court which approves addicts going to unregulated scam treatment centers which do more harm than good as does the drug court. A U of K paper asked for an interview and I gave them one but then the part about the problems with court and rehabs----they didn't print. And that pissed me off. Anger is energizing.

But my sadness and grief prevail. I understand the mask you wear for others. I think putting on a mask must help us. By acting as if we're here in the moment, in the now, it pushes our grief back and we engage. And even if it's temporary it's some relief like an aspirin for a constant headache.

My first born daughter and my four grandchildren have been really supportive of me.
And I've long been divorced so I don't have to mask my feelings too often. I can let the tears flow as needed. And when I got a diagnosis of cancer, and surgery four months to the day after my daughter died, it hardly fazed me. Because if you're surviving the death of your child, cancer can't emotionally compete.

I feel less alone because you wrote about your son. Thank you. I'll think of you during the holidays and hope you know a lady in Texas and one in Kentucky have a bond.

[samnsara]

22. I am so, so sorry.....

[samnsara]

21. i cant even imagine such a loss.... I wish I had words to help you..

...but such a profound loss defies anything words can convey. Please just know this...if you ever need to talk, we are here.


(((hugs)))

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

23. Losing a child is the worst thing you can imagine, I tell people.

Only it's even worse than that.

My 30 year old son took his own life on June 9th of this year. As I said to his brother when I broke the news, "The worst possible thing has happened."

Most of the time I'm okay, but sometimes I just cry and cry.

[kanda]

24. so sorry

PoindexterOglethorpe--Your loss is so fresh. I am so sorry. I used to watch the news and try to imagine what newly bereaved parents must feel and knew that it had to be horrible. But until I experienced the loss of my son, I never really knew. My heart is with you. May the holidays land gently for you.

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

27. Thank you.

I realize now that I simply never understood the depth of grief people felt when losing a child. No matter how that loss happens. It helps slightly that we had not spent major holidays together in about ten years. A couple of years after he went off to college his father and I divorced and I moved to another state. I did have my sons visit me that very first Christmas I was in my new place, but not after that. For one thing, I used to be an airline ticket agent and I know how ghastly holiday travel can be.

But still, I miss him. I missed talking to him on Thanksgiving and asking how his holiday went and telling him about mine. I miss calling him up when I'm watching a Royals or a Chiefs game and having him explain to me exactly what's going on. I miss him telling me about some TV series I ought to watch. I'll miss him on Christmas. This year I am driving back to Kansas and I'll be staying with my sister for Christmas and New Year's. She has three children the ages of my two, and several grandchildren. It will be good to be around them.

My other son is now on the east coast, in a PhD program (in astrophysics, I'll brag) at George Mason University. I have already told him that I am not willing to go more than a year at a time without seeing him. So either I'll visit him or he'll visit me after the school year ends next May.

I know it's a process. And I know I'll never be done. I keep on thinking about things like this. I was on DC, on the National Mall on July 4, 1976 for our nation's Bicentennial. A while back I did the math and realized that my older son would be only 93, and the younger one (the one who died) only 89 on July 4, 2076, the Tricentennial. I say only because on their father's side everyone makes it well into their 90's. I told them a few years ago that they absolutely must be on the Mall that day, and tell every single person they meet that their parents were there exactly one hundred years ago. Their father was also there, but we didn't meet for another three years. I mean, how cool would that be?

And now, my heart's gone out of that plan. I will still encourage the older son to be there that day. And I'm planning on being there July 4 2026, for our nation's 250th. But I'd wanted both sons to be with me that day, and now only one will be.

Many of you reading this will have lost one child and will still have others, and so you know exactly what I mean. It's not that you value one child over the other, it's that the one unique and special person is gone.

Oh, and in the days immediately after my son's death, I understood exactly what Debbie Reynolds meant when, after Carrie Fisher died, she said, "I can't bear to be without her. I want to be with her."

[kanda]

25. condolences

I am so sorry for your loss. My son has been gone 4 years now. He was 19. His friends are now getting married, having babies. I wish he could've known that. My heart goes out to you. Holidays are hard. Birthdays are hard. And some days are just hard. Sending hugs.

[brush]

26. So sorry. I know it's rough. I lost my wife unexpectedly 3 years ago and I still hurt every day.

You have to go on though, even though you sometimes don't want to.

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

28. I don't know if you are aware there is a Bereavement forum here.

You might want to take a look at it, and perhaps cross post this thread.

[FuzzyRabbit]

29. My heart goes out to every parent who has lost their child.

I am sorry for your lost loved ones.