"I don't want children -- stop telling me I'll change my mind."

[CousinIT]

One in five women in the United States will not have a biological child, and Christen Reighter is one of them. From a young age, she knew she didn't want kids, in spite of the insistence of many people (including her doctor) who told her she'd change her mind. In this powerful talk, she shares her story of seeking sterilization -- and makes the case that motherhood is an extension of womanhood, not the definition.

https://www.ted.com/talks/christen_reighter_i_don_t_want_children_stop_telling_me_i_ll_change_my_mind

[Corvo Bianco]

1. Can we add don't ask me when I'm going to get married with pity in your face?

Thanks! (Answer is never)

[IronLionZion]

30. YES!

I don't go around asking elderly people when they are going to die.

[Corvo Bianco]

32. Darn thoughtful of you.

[Sanity Claws]

53. I laughed

I'll see if I can squeeze that retort in somewhere or other, even if it doesn't exactly fit.

[crazycatlady]

41. I reduced contact with my only living grandparent because of this

Every time I see her she reminds me how her friend's grandchild found love on XYZ dating app and she's asking me when I'll get married every time I see her

Telling her I'm going to die alone with 40 cats hasn't helped.

[brooklynite]

59. How thoughtless of you...

...you'd leave all those cats uncared for?

[christx30]

45. Reminds me of something I read in early October:

"Haunted House idea for Halloween: Instead of monsters, just have a bunch of people sitting around, asking what you are doing with your life, and when you're getting married. Never mind... that's just Thanksgiving."

[Dem_4_Life]

58. YES!!!

I am very happy being single and I have kids they just have fur. (2 kitties and a dog)

[Calculating]

2. Who would want kids in this messed up world?

[Adrahil]

4. I did/do.

How about we let folks decide for themselves if they want kids or not.

[Mariana]

6. Did anyone suggest

that folks should not be let to decide for themselves if they want kids or not?

[Adrahil]

9. I certianly thouht the post suggested....

That people who decide to have kids are making a bad decision.

[Mariana]

13. Yes, it did suggest they are making a bad decision.

Nevertheless, the post in no way suggested that people should not be allowed to have children. The poster thinks it's a bad idea. So what?

I don't share that opinion. Last night I got the news I'm going to be a grandma for the third time. I couldn't be more thrilled.

[LanternWaste]

14. Your parents, presumably...

Your parents, presumably...

(Petulance best met with petulance. Six of one, half a dozen of the other... and each as valid as the other)

[mopinko]

3. my daughter had a hell of a time getting her tubes tied.

she has very good medical reasons not to have a child. she is also someone who would have no trouble loving an adopted child.
she went through 3 gynos before she got one to do it.

just amazing and disgusting in the 21st century.

[CousinIT]

8. "Your entire purpose on Earth is to birth children"

What an ob-gyn said once. No more visits to that Dr.

"Oh well you'll change your mind once you meet the right man! What if you really love him and he wants kids?" (duh. You tell him "NO" and do the grownup thing and resolve yourself to the fact that this relationship cannot be and tell him to find someone more suitable)

"REALLY?! What's wrong with you? Maybe you should see a psychiatrist or go for counseling!"

"But you'll be all alone when you're old!"

etc. etc. etc.

[mitch96]

35. "Your entire purpose on Earth is to birth children"

So I can have job security....What an ob-gyn said once.
Insert snarky comment here... " "

After working with doctors for over 40 years I have a jaded view...
m

[niyad]

38. are you old enough to remember the rule of 120?

The 120 Rule of Sterilization
September 24, 2008

Yesterday, Christine posted on a piece covering highs and lows of women’s health. It includes access to sterilization in the highs, and describes the “120 rule” by which if a woman’s age multiplied by her number of children was less than 120, she couldn’t choose to be voluntarily sterilized. Coincidentally, I’m currently reading “Reproductive Rights in a Global Context,” and reached a passage yesterday that also describes this 120 rule, which apparently originated out of an ACOG recommendation. That text indicates that even if a woman reached the 120 mark, she still needed the approval of three doctors and a psychiatrist to obtain the procedure. (Note: this is no longer the common practice, in case that wasn’t clear)

[mopinko]

55. old enough, but dont remember it.

not the least bit surprised tho.
and 3 docs and a shrink? a full employment for doctors rule.

i had 4 of my 5 kids at home and the shit the hospitals pulled to push us patients around was ridiculous. made a big deal about the possibility that you might end up in the hospital. like they wouldnt have to take any other birthing woman who showed up at their ER.
they had a different back up doc and hospital for each of my births. they shoved the best doc out of the hospital where she practiced. i had to have an office visit, as a new patient, of course, w each of those back up docs. can you say- follow the money. cacchhhhing.

you know the difference between god and a doctor, right?
god doesnt think he is a doctor.

[niyad]

56. thank you for that last line!!

[Neema]

5. Amen to that. Thank goodness nature saved me from myself.

I never wanted kids growing up. Then for awhile I was on the fence, mostly due to societal pressure. So I tried. Many miscarriages followed, and they were horrible. But then I realized I was ultimately relieved.

I look at friends and neighbors my age now and think I truly dodged a bullet. The thought of having a middle school kid right now makes me shudder. Not because I don't like kids, but because I know how miserable I'd be dealing with the endless school meetings and sporting events and play dates and judge-y moms and spoiled, entitled classmates, and bullying and loss of self. I guess that makes me selfish, but then I saved a kid from having a miserable mother.

And then of course there's the reality of having to explain to a child how much previous generations have fucked up the planet for him or her, and how they will likely see mass extinctions in their lifetime if not total environmental destruction.

[StevieM]

28. The mass extinction could very well include humanity.

I don't know if it will happen in the lifetime of a child born today or tomorrow. We may be able to hold out for another hundred years. But things will be pretty horrible in 2117 if we stay on anything remotely resembling our current path. And even if we make massive, immediate changes we will still need to figure out a major geoengineering plan.

I don't think there will be any humans at all in 200 years unless we do something very, very big very, very soon.

[Neema]

64. Oh, it most certainly will include humanity, but it will take longer than the mass extinction

of elephants, coral, giraffes, big cats, bees, birds, other primates. I fully expect so many animals I've seen in the wild to only be living in a handful of zoos in my lifetime. No thanks in part to climate-change deniers, trophy hunters, poachers and fossil fuel exploiters.

[csziggy]

7. When I was sterilized in 1977 I was lucky to find an excellent doctor who helped me

Oral birth control had not worked and was damaging my health. Rather than attempt other methods, I just wanted to ensure I would never get pregnant. Dr. B discussed it with me in depth, accepted my choice and took wonderful care of me.

I'd never wanted children. As a little girl I never played with dolls. When my aunt started popping out kids as frequently as she could, I found the entire process somewhat disgusting and did not want to spend time with my younger cousins. Babysitting was not for me - I just didn't like kids. Heck, I didn't like kids my own age much less those younger. I was used to hanging around with my two older sisters who were six and four years older than me.

In retrospect I wish I had been bold enough to ask for a complete hysterectomy. But in 1977 hormone replacement therapy was not very advanced and I didn't realize how many of the increasingly worse health issues were caused by my hormone imbalances until 2002 when I finally had those parts removed. My life has been so much better since then, I wish I could have gone back in time to tell my younger self how great it could be without all those problems.

The young woman given the TED talk is perfectly rational in her discussion but does not seem the type to be very assertive about her wishes. When I made appointments with doctors to discuss my need in 1977, I stated it up front so if the office policy was not to provide sterilization, I found out without spending time and money on the paternalistic health system. I had one doctor who took the appointment and then tried to talk me out of it. I told him I was disappointed that he accepted the appointment under false pretenses since I had stated my intention when making it. Amazingly he apologized and did not charge for the visit.

I have never regretted my decision - any child raised by me would have had a very difficult childhood, an obnoxious mother,and would probably have needed a lot of help to survive me.

I am glad women are looking at all their choices and hope they can learn to be assertive enough to get their wishes, whatever they are.

[mopinko]

10. my daughter should have had a hysterectomy instead of a tubal.

she has endometriosis on top of many other health problems. she had a hard enough time getting a tubal, but they really should have recommended a total hysterectomy instead. but yeah, she might change her mind and get that tubal reversed. sure, sure.
assholes.

[csziggy]

16. I'm not even sure what all my problems were by the end

I didn't care - I just wanted it to stop.

Severe bleeding every month - but irregular enough I could not predict when. Crippling migraines twice a month that correlated with the bleeding - a day or two before until it stopped and a week or so after it stopped that would last as much as two weeks.

Some months I had one really functional week.

I used HRT for ten years after my hysterectomy - but that was a bit of a nightmare. The generic crap did no good since it did not release the hormones at a steady rate. Every time my husband's insurance at work changed, I had to fight to get the name brand patches even when the doctor specified them in the prescription. I finally gave them up and have seen no difference in my health.

Good luck to your daughter. I hope she can get the care she needs going forward. It should NOT be a battle.

[CousinIT]

12. Begged for a tubal until age 28. Dr. finally listened.

I had smoked, been on BC for years - since teen years (was on them when very young to regulate cycles which were off the wall crazy). VERY DANGEROUS that combo. Birth control is NOT MEANT to be used for YEARs on end and particularly not if you smoke (have long since quit). And had been miserably married and divorced already. Never was much for that institution either.

I found an article in a magazine that was about how women do DON'T want children are NOT "selfish" (as many people would like to call us if we weren't up for incubator duty). It laid out the arguments for and against - and about how women who decided against motherhood were intelligent, thoughtful, and anything but selfish because they didn't want to bring a child into the world that was anything less than fully wanted in every way. It talked about how women who just mechanically have kids because society pressures them into it and who don't give much thought to any alternative are perhaps selfish - it's easier to bow to social pressure and fulfill the role expected of you than to worry about bringing a child into a failing world as a mediocre mother who was never sure she wanted one.

I sent that article to my ob-gyn who agreed to do the surgery. It's been YEARS. I have never - not for one moment - regretted it. Many relationships later..not one regret about that decision (though some of the relationships were crap).

I DESPISE the pitiful looks at women who never married and/or who never had kids -- people pour stares and glances of pity over these women as if they are some desperate woman who "couldn't get a man" or "never got proposed to" or is "barren" or "something must've happened to her" -- as if not marrying or not being mother ISN'T a valid life choice but rather some sad, lonely circumstance the pathetic woman tragically found herself in. AS IF she didn't CHOOSE her life's course consciously and responsibly instead of letting it be chosen FOR her by family, men, doctors, churches/clergy or friends.

Bottom line: IT'S MY/OUR LIFE. Its not ANYONE ELSE'S decision how we live it. NOBODY. For any reason. At any time. Under any circumstance. E V E R. A person's self-determination is one of the most precious things we can take ownership of - it's a jewel that women (whether they choose marriage and motherhood or not) should NEVER allow someone to snatch from them. EVER.

Not being a biological mother/parent is a VALID. LIFE. CHOICE.

I wish to God people would tell girls and women that instead of trying to goad them into motherhood. "IT'S YOUR LIFE" --- "NOT having kids is a VALID life choice and there's absolutely nothing wrong with you if you choose that, so don't let others pressure you into it - ANYBODY!" --- "If you have kids when you never REALLY wanted them, there is NO going back -- no do-over"

[Duppers]

20. 👏👏

Excellent post. Every teenage girl needs to hear this!



I waited 'til age 40 to have my son, my only child. Up until I did have him, I received the same treatment. Even had a shrink once ask me in a most concerned, condescending, and pitying manner why I had not had children and didn't want them at that time, as if having a child would solve my problems!! Never returned to her office. Was told by my fundamentalist mother that I was "not doing god's will!"
When I told my siblings and mother I was 5mos pregnant, they sent me 2 dozen red roses! JFC! I've been so glad l live a 9 hr drive away from that insanity.

[mopinko]

21. i have 3 daughters. warrior queens all.

i let them know that my decision to birth 5 little earthlings came at a very high price that i could not have foreseen. they saw it, and all decided that was not a good road.
one is already pretty much too old. one has too many health problems, but never wanted kids anyway. the middle one may end up w a single kid, but also takes no shit from her partners so far and i dont think is real likely to find someone worth having a kid w. but she is very happy in her career, and i dont think will have any regrets. the only way i see her having a kid is w a partner that would be the main caretaker while she brings home the bacon.

of my 2 sons one wants a baby badly for all the wrong reasons. i doubt the other would have more than one.

i really fell for the myth of the adequate personal solution and thought i could make my own decision honorable and fulfilling. in many ways i did. but all in all, i strongly advise against it at any and every opportunity.
in a perfect world, kids are a grand endeavor. but we are very, very far from that, and getting farther every day.

[StevieM]

60. I am curious as to why you think your son wants a baby for the wrong reason.

In any event, I agree that every day our world is getting less perfect. And a lot harder to save.

[mopinko]

68. what he really wants is a hostage.

to tie his gf to him, and to have a weapon to hurt me- i cant see my grandkid, unless.

he has serious mental health issues, and is the last person who should be reproducing at this time. he refuses to see that.

[StevieM]

73. Life can be unbelievably ironic.

I always wanted kids, but now I am kind of glad I didn't have them, given the horrible state of our planet.

It certainly would be ironic if your only grandchildren came from the child who would have been better off not having them.

In any event, it sounds like you raised a lot of children who are contributing to the well-being of our broader society. In this day and age, that is more important than anything.

[mopinko]

78. they are all good hearted and smart.

unfortunately crazy runs in the family, and some do ok with that, and some dont.

we really thought we had good, tough, peasant genes. you just dont know how it is gonna turn out. honestly, we never thought it was gonna be as hard as it turned out to be.

[AmericanActivist]

11. No children by choice nm

[Iggo]

15. "They're all my kids. I don't need to make one." -- Iggo.

I know that's not precisely what you're talking about, but I just wanted to throw that out there.

(I'll go back to my corner now.)

[ProfessorGAC]

26. And You Stay There Until Your Told Time Out is Over!

That was pretty funny, Iggo.

[irisblue]

31. I like this 👍

I felt there were enough already made kids in the world.

[stopwastingmymoney]

46. Agreed

I didn't have kids either but I'm an Auntie and Stepmom and have many children I love.

That's plenty for me.

[Tikki]

17. One of the kindest and most grown up thing a person can do is to...

not have or raise a child or children when they don't want to do this.

Our youngest is not a candidate for raising children. He knows it and
knows that interacting with his niece and nephew an hour
or so a week is his limit.

Tikki

[louis c]

18. My wife and I chose long ago not to have children

A mutual decision. However, we love kids. We have extra money that we wouldn't have, and we get to use it to spoil other people's kids who are kind to us.

Let me give you a little story. My wife and I take care of my aging mother at our home. Every weekend, my niece (my wife's sister's daughter, not my mother's grand child, now 18 years old), takes care of my mom for about 5 hours on either Saturday or Sunday. She volunteered to do it. She was accepted to College last year after graduating high school. She commutes. I bought her a car. I couldn't do that if we had children. Certainly wouldn't be able to pay for tuition and a car, even for my own kid.

Having children is wonderful and a blessing, if that's your choice. We took another road, that's ours. I happen to be pro-choice in everything.

[CousinIT]

19. Though I never had any, I get pretty sentimental when I see kids. They are the future.

And they are adorable and irresistible. But I still never wanted any and knew having them for me would be a huge mistake. I'm happy knowing there are kids and parents in the world to carry on for humanity and hopefully improve things in the future. It's good to see them grow, learn and do great things and become contributing members of society. For me, that's enough.

Meanwhile my "kids" have four furry legs and a tail. =^..^= And they are a handful and with everything else, about all the expense I can afford! Don't know WTF I'd do if I had college and cars and all sorts of other kid-related expenses to pay for. I'd be in the poor house.

[Dalton Mac]

22. Maher's Take

[betsuni]

75. When I posted this after it came out, the first comment was someone offended.

Of course!

[smirkymonkey]

79. I thought it was pretty funny!

[LisaM]

23. I always DID want children, it just never came my way to do so.

But it's not a big deal - I've got nieces and nephews I can help out a little and that I could cuddle when they were little, I worked at a childcare center for years, so I've had the chance to be with babies (which I love), and it's all good. I do have a friend who's so militantly against ever having children and is so dismissive of people who do that it's a little hard to listen to her on the subject, but overall, I think not having children is a fine choice.

I also remember back to when we, as a society, talked about the goal of zero population growth, and I think we'd be well behooved to spend a couple of generations trying to get the population down (by natural means, not by disease, genocide, or war) so that the earth has a chance to take a breather and repair herself.

[womanofthehills]

65. I have one child - a wonderful daughter & grandkids, but always wanted more kids

I just always felt like I wanted to experience everything in life and that included having a child.

[LisaM]

70. Well, I WANTED to, but it didn't happen.

Just the way of the world, I guess. From time to time, I dream that I actually delivered a baby, and I'm quite proud of her, and I show her to everyone. Luckily for my dreams, the delivery goes very easily each time, takes about five minutes, no pain!

[3catwoman3]

24. During my 41 years as a pediatric nurse practitioner, I have seen...

...plenty of people I WISH had not become parents. The ability to juxtapose genitalia in not a sufficient qualification.

[Jokerman]

25. Two doctors refused to even discuss a vasectomy with me.

They both said, "you'll change your mind".

The only thing I changed was doctors.

[PasadenaTrudy]

27. I love my childfree life! n/t

[IronLionZion]

29. My favorite type of women!

We could use the free time and money we save to travel the world and enjoy life and sleep through the night without crying babies and not have ungrateful teenagers hate us.

[IronLionZion]

33. Some planned parenthoods offer tubal ligations and vasectomies

which are among many reasons the GOP wants to kill them off. They literally offer solutions to avoid ever needing an abortion.

[StevieM]

61. Meanwhile, the GOP is guaranteeing the destruction of our planet and the extinction of humanity.

They truly are on a mission.

[Orsino]

34. "Don't you like children?" is a common follow-up.

Both sentences are predicated on the idea of motherhood as woman's default destiny, and of the choice not to give birth as an aberration. As such, both sentences are used to establish dominance and tacitly support anti-choice measures currently being imposed on women everywhere.

Might as well ask someone when s/he'll accept Christ as Savior. STFU.

[Sen. Walter Sobchak]

36. a friend is fighting this out right now

She is seeking a procedure that has the potential for a future high-risk pregnancy, she says fine tie them up while you're in there but she is informed that as a childless woman of 37 she is too young to make that decision.

She finds it ridiculous that the same women, and they're all women who are telling her this would gladly perform an abortion no questions asked while apparently suffering a huge moral dilemma over tampering with the sacred fertile potential of a childless woman.

[Runningdawg]

37. My mom in 1976 when I was 16

"You don't date, you don't want to marry, you don't want kids. Guess that settles it. You're either gay or incredibly selfish. Either way you are a sinner".
There are still people out there who think like that. Reference the full quiver movement. I'm not sure how much progress on the subject has actually been made.

[gay texan]

42. i got the same speech.

One part she had right......

[Runningdawg]

76. In my case she was partially right

I am bi, but the straight part never wanted to marry or have kids.

[CousinIT]

43. Ugh. I keep going back to this:

https://www.thenation.com/article/reproductive-rights-and-long-hand-slave-breeding/

Women are HUMAN. Not service units. Not sexual & reproductive slaves. Not incubators. Yet even today we hear comments in our own Congress about women being here to produce more workers or some crap like that. IOW, they're here to pump out babies.

I remember a poll recently about the idiot Trumpanzees whose result was that they considered women 81% human and Hillary Clinton only 51% human.

And the damned evangelicals and religious zealots....Jimmy Carter has it right - (if you believe in God or religion at all) that God does not condone the abuse or dehumanization of women. Slavery is immoral. It was allegedly outlawed years ago. But really it has just taken new forms. Just like racism has and voter suppression has. Yet worldwide the state of human rights for women is deplorable. Conservative men (and even some liberals) and certainly the religious nuts indeed DO want to enslave women by totally denying them self-determination.

it's time women realized that (and I think they slowly are realizing it) and rose up to reclaim their agency - their self-determination - their humanity -- and refused to be enslaved like this, disrespected like this, to have their humanity stolen from them like this.

[gay texan]

39. In a former life i had a chance to have kids

I'm honestly glad i didn't. I get more enjoyment in being that half crazed, fun loving, adopted gay uncle

[Bettie]

40. We should all follow our own paths

mine ended up being with three kids. Until I hit 30, I was sure I didn't want any kids. Turns out, I was wrong.

My best friend never wanted kids, so she never had any.

I know plenty of people who shouldn't be parents and are as well as several who never got the chance (and wanted kids) and would have been wonderful at it.

[CousinIT]

44. Nothing wrong with falling in love with your little ones.

Probably very hard not to! I'm happy it all turned out well for you. My Mom had 4 - wanted two. But she loves us all just the same. There was no BC until she had her last one.

[Bettie]

47. We planned to stop after the second living one

We lost our first at birth, my only girl.

But, we had a surprise (and let me tell you at 42, it was a SURPRISE) and he's a great kid, even though his brothers are in high school and he's only in 3rd grade.

Kids are wonderful and a huge pain in the ass...sometimes both at the same time.

[CousinIT]

48. I'm so sorry - that must've been heartbreaking as hell. :(

But at least you got a few more chances (even though you didn't necessarily ask for them!)

I love the last sentence: "Kids are wonderful and a huge pain in the ass...sometimes both at the same time."

LOL! No doubt.

[DFW]

49. Amen to that.

Never let anyone else tell you what's best for you, never tell your children or grandchildren what's best for them.

[Bettie]

63. Unless they are five and think they can fly

It is OK to remind them that standing on the roof with a homemade cape and a nerf sword does not necessarily make you a super hero.

Yeah, it happened....with my oldest. His younger brother came down and told me to come and watch him fly. I got up there in time to tell him that was NOT best for him! LOL.

[DFW]

71. I suppose I should havelimited that to decisions made after puberty

If he still thinks a homemade cape enables him to fly at age 19, I guess nothing I can suggest will be beneficial.

[zanana1]

50. That was excellent.

I chose not to have children. The reasons aren't important; it was a decision I alone could make. Most people respec ted my choice, but some people just assumed that I couldn't have children. A few of them voiced this opinion and when I told them it was my choice, they looked shocked and didn't know what to say. One woman said to me "Well, if you know you wouldn't make a good mother, that's the smart thing to do."
I had a tubal ligation.
I'm 65 now and I'm still happy being childless. It just isn't for everybody.

[AlexSFCA]

51. its good to have options

life is not as short as it seems and you truly never know how it may turn out. I never wanted kids, I don’t even like kids but I fell in love and my spouse has eventually started wanting to have a child, years later.
It was the most difficult decision I have ever faced but I agreed to only one child. This was the most life altering experience of my life that has changed my perspective on many things, broadened my views, made me a better, happier and more compassionate person (I am an atheist, for the record).
The biggest realization for me was that it was never about a child but the new bond that has been created between us. It turns out, one does not have to like children to be a good parent. I only like my own child and I don’t even like to play with my nieces or friends kids - they all annoy me rather quickly.
I’d say it is important to have options and there is no need to make irreversible decisions. I thought I’d share my experience from someone who never wanted kids to realizing that the decision to have or not to have a child is perharps the single most important decision you will ever make but you won’t know it until much later in life, likely post retirement. This is because most things in life are temporary including career, money, parents, and sometimes even significant others. A child is permanent (in most cases).

[2left4u]

52. My daughter

I'm glad you posted that.

I have 4 daughters and my oldest is the first of my family to go to college.
We are very proud of her!

But to the point of the thread, when it came time for her to go to homecoming my Republican mother-n-law asked her why she didn't have a date and what was the point of going at all if she didn't have one....she responded "My mother and father raised me to be an independent woman so I don't need a man in my life to anything, I'm going with my Gf's".

I couldn't have been prouder and am so happy to see woman finally breaking free from all the stereotypes forced on them to conform.

Great post!
You provided a teachable moment to my family and introduced all four daughters to this site!

Thank you

[StevieM]

62. Welcome to DU!!

I wish I had four daughters. Part of me thinks that would be super cool.

Ultimately, I didn't have any kids. And I am regretting it a lot less given the state of the planet.

[2left4u]

67. Thanks

Thank you.

My wife I debate the wisdom of our actions anf if we really did the right thing in the end versus the selfish one.

We are in Colo, born and raised.
Anybody that can't acknowledge climate change or to many people in places where they shouldn't be and they grew up here is an idiot.

Dec and in the 70's? Little snow in the mountains? Coupled with sprawl that's effected our rivers abd creeks?

Our planet keeps trying to tell us stop...but with the present assholes in office they aren't listening

[CousinIT]

82. You're welcome. And Welcome to DU!

[Plucketeer]

54. I knew I didn't want kids

even when I was one. At age 12, I told my mom I would never have any kids. She wrote my statement down and had me sign it. Ten years later, she delighted in showing me that note after I'd fathered a second kid - neither of them was by choice. My wife went on birth control at that point, but she was bad about missing a day or two now and then. #3 came along and I got a vasectomy. A few years later, the wife & I got divorced. She went through a string of boyfriends and a 2nd marriage that flopped.

50 years on, my 3 offspring are doing OK with their lives. Two of them have a coupla kids that they wanted to have and they've been good parents to them as well. The oldest - a boy - and I are good friends. The youngest - a girl - and I have a strained relationship. The middle one is gay and single and we haven't spoken - his choice - in 15 years or so. They're all artistic (like their fore-bearers) and are all doing well. I'm proud of them all. Had I not been so ignorant when I was young, I'd have tried better at not fathering any. But they're a part of my life now and I'm OK with how things turned out.

Oh - I met and married a second time - and to a gal who said she didn't want any kids (she had never had any). We're happy with that. It should be a choice, not a pressure to perform/conform.

[StevieM]

66. I am sorry that you and your son are estranged. Hopefully things can be worked out someday.

Did you mean that your other children have 2 kids each (4 grandkids altogether) or that they have two kids between them?

[Plucketeer]

69. They have two each

And they're better parents than their mom or dad ever were! I'm still puzzled about that.

[Skittles]

57. there would be so much less misery in this world

if all the people who really did not want kids did not have them

[smirkymonkey]

72. I never wanted them. I am glad I never gave into the pressure.

I really want a dog or two though.

[Solly Mack]

74. K&R

[Paladin]

77. I never EVER criticize those who decide not to have children.

The reason being: I know too many individuals who have children and are absolutely dreadful parents.

[steve2470]

80. I fully support her decision

One of my rock-solid beliefs is, if you don't want children, do not have them. Children are not bundles of joy at all times, to put it mildly.

[Amaryllis]

81. I ws ten when I realized I didn't want kids, and never changed my mind, even though

many people told me I would. I work with kids and have adopted "nieces and nephews" and love to hang out with friends who have kids, but just never wanted my own. People have a difficult time understanding that.

[CousinIT]

83. Too many people seem to have a difficult time (esp conservatives) seeing women as much

outside of mother/wife or old maid/slut (ye olde madonna/slut evangelical style tunnel vision)

Rarely are they seen as just human rather than some commodity to be plugged into a very small pegboard of social stereotypes/roles & considered flawed or disordered if they don't fit there.