Satire...pretty funny..."A STATEMENT FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF PENNSYLVANIA "...read the whole thing.
"REGARDING THE COLLEGE ADMISSIONS BRIBERY SCANDAL"
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/a-statement-from-the-university-of-pennsylvania-regarding-the-college-admissions-bribery-scandal?fbclid=IwAR1ujA7Kw-PLQJrRkph2x_l_QgX8Ldk-CQmrcBXqV5oR-bgxv8Mai8lxS7Y
When we learned that at least 50 people participated in a massive college admissions scam, deploying fraudulent means to get their children into our nations elite universities, we were appalled, disgusted, and outraged that not a single one of them was using these deviant tactics to get into the University of Pennsylvania.
Whats especially appalling to us, as one of the finest academic institutions in the world, is how many of these students did not even care about their education. Were looking at you, Olivia I dont know how much of school Im gonna attend Jade. Well, Olivia, maybe youd feel differently if you learned about a certain someone named Benjamin Franklin, who founded the University of Pennsylvania in 1740 and also invented bifocals, the Warby Parkers of his day. You could say Ben was Americas first influencer. People already do, actually. Its a thing. Tell your friends!
A few days after the scandal broke, people started to talk about the Trumps and we were like FINALLY. But it turned out everybody was just giving Jared Kushner shit for paying $2.5 million to get into Harvard. HARVARD IS A GLORIFIED FINISHING SCHOOL. For fucks sake, what about all the money Trump promised he would donate to Penn so his daughter Ivanka and one of his dumb-dumb sons could go to Wharton?? Wharton is a Penn school, and sure, sometimes it bothers us that the Wharton brand is so strong while the Penn brand is still sort of confusing to a lot of people, but whatever. Tiffany went to the College of Arts and Sciences, by the way. At Penn.
Our only consolation in this face of this devastating news is that these criminals, whose schemes were a shameful violation of what is intended to be a fair, meritocratic process, will be brought to justice, and that none of them bothered to scam their way into Cornell.